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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered H's affair - how to get over the fact OW stayed at my house?

191 replies

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 10:48

Discovered DH's affair three weeks ago. He'd been seeing a girl from work. It was an emotional affair that turned physical in March this year, and ended when she moved to another country last month. She didn't know he was married with children and thought he was her boyfriend.

The icing on the cake? We got married in May this year. We'd been together five years, have two children, age 3 and 1. He's made a mockery of my life.

He also regularly invited her, and lots of his mates from work, to party in our house at weekends, while I was taking the children to visit my parents. He'd hide all the kids' stuff in their bedroom and keep the door shut.

Turns out none of his workmates knew about his wife and children either - he explained away the women's clothing around the place by saying that I was his flatmate who he used to shag, had moved in with, and was now broken up from.

I've kicked him out and he's staying at his mum's. He's promised to get therapy and sort himself out etc, do anything to keep me / us, but we'll see. I don't feel the same about him any more. He's ruined everything.

My question is: how can I get rid of the images of this other woman in my house? Falling asleep in my husband's arms on my sofa? Watching my television? Drinking my coffee in the mornings? I feel like my space has been completely violated. Have any of you had the OW in your house? How did you get over it?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/11/2011 07:58

please get as far away as you can from this man and don't look back (metaphorically)
As for the house, can you get friends to help you deep clean, and then treat it like the infestation it was (rats, maggots) which has now been dealt with?
Please don't blame this female colleague too much - he sounds like a first class liar and skilled in deception

MudAndGlitter · 30/11/2011 07:59

What an utter tosspot. So sorry OP.

SirSugar · 30/11/2011 08:01

Drinking can be common, so no relevence to their commital to Islam, its just kept hidden, smoking is not an issue.

Public 'face' is important; the family unit is split into a hierachy with the eldest at the top. Respect for elders means doing what they ask you to do whether you like it or not. It works both ways, you get respect from younger members. As a woman marrying in, you would then become one of their daughters eg, if you lived in traditional manner you would live in house of your inlaws. They could deem your marriage 'wrong' as it has not been carried out under Islamic law; you have not ( or you haven't said?) converted to Islam.

I understand your reasons for marrying

Original poster
warmleatherette · 30/11/2011 08:06

No, I haven't converted - DH isn't religious at all, we're both atheists.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 30/11/2011 08:10

Also I was thinking, if you were accepted, you would have to start lying abouty stuff like when you got married so it would appear that your DCs were born within the marriage ( I had to do this )

Islamic dress varies acroos the world, veils are from arabic countries, burkas Afgahnistan. the Shalwar Kamez and variations thereof , worn in Pakistan/India is the tunic trousers and dupatta ( large shawl like scarf) which is worn around neck and shoulders ( keeps your boobs covered) and can be pulled up over head when necessary and is colourful

SirSugar · 30/11/2011 08:11

He definately wouldn't be announcing his atheism to his parents

SirSugar · 30/11/2011 08:12

got to go on school run, late! will come back later

Clarajinglebumps · 30/11/2011 08:25

Jeez what a situation.. I bet you feel like you've been punched in the guts OP. All very sound advice given on this thread..don't know what else to say other than my heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

NettleTea · 30/11/2011 11:09

second the 'public face' being important. I discovered this in 2 very different circumstances - my ex was all about impression - he would make sure that he drove the right car, wore designer clothes and tried to brown arse anyone with money, even if it meant putting the family in financial ruin - it was all image with no substance.
secondly, when actually living in a muslim country, everyone lies. They all make out they are 'being good' and sticking to the rules, but the are all sneaking about doing what they want behind everyone elses backs. The expectations of behaviour are so set in stone it seems it is the only way to live. But dont get caught!! they will bare face lie to each other and accept what is said at face value so that outwardly there is no evidence that people are not conforming to society/family rules and honour. But there was nothing they liked more than finding out that someone else had done something they shouldnt, and then using it as blackmail. The hypocracy and dishonesty actually drove me more than a little bit mad.
second the 'doing what the elder generation does', and also as a DIL you would become the personal assistant of your MIL - she would expect you to take over all the household tasks that she didnt fancy any more and defer to her. You husband would also defer to her over you, so NEVEr expect him to put you before his family thats a real sign of weakness in a man, to put his wife before himself or family. Your respect comes from behaving in an honourable manner (you've already blown this with the kids outside marriage - same will NOT apply to him) and from your children. The family dynamics are completely different than in a western marriage and it is well worth doing a bit of research into it if you want an understanding of where its coming from. You probably wont like it much though. he may claim aetheism, but alot of the culture in ingrained and goes way beyond whether he goes to the mosque or not.

SirSugar · 30/11/2011 11:26

Basically agree with Nettle, however I would suggest its a bit severe to say that everyone lies; its more like some are economic with the truth, which is exactly what your H has done - just not told his family he has a wife and children; however he has lied to workmates.

A small example - my SIL, who was older than H would drink. My H would drink. They would never drink in front of each other and never discuss it. This was borne from the respect angle

NettleTea · 30/11/2011 11:47

maybe I just lived with a really bad example!!
The example about drinking that SS gives is a perfect example. They would view it as respect for each other, and in the case of my ex's family would deny that they ever did it if asked, whereas we generally in the west would say 'why the hypocracy, just bloody have a drink with each other and be open and honest about it' we are coming from two very different mindsets. Within a relationship of two different cultures its very difficult, especially whenit seems that one side it trying hard to make the accommodations and understanding and compromise, and the other is taking all the benefits of the western 'freedoms' but still insisting on stuff which is 'cultural' to them. i am sure this is not always the case, but in EVERY marriage between muslim men and british women that I encountered (most but not all of whom had come to the country as partners of british citizens) this did seem to be the way it was playing out. The women, one pregnant, were expected to conform to the mans tradition (but without the huge family back up and support that would have been afforded her if she had come from that tradition) and the men were out running around town like crazy things, drinking, whoreing, drug taking and gambling (a selection or all of these) and having other girlfriends because there was no one from 'their' tradition to keep them in line and make them behave. In every situation there was emotional and physical abuse - quite often financial too, as they saw the women as 'sugar mummies' and often they held them responsible that britain was not 'paved with gold' as they had believed from their own country, and they were annoyed that they needed to actually work for a living. Alot of these women were well educated and oin good jobs - they ended up supporting these men while the men treated them like dirt.
I KNOW I am using generalisations here, and i KNOW I am biased by my own experiences, but I must know at least 15 other relationships which pretty much followed the same patterns, (plus the extended group of 'friends' who were part of the man's social life) so my bias is not entirely without foundation.

NettleTea · 30/11/2011 11:48

sorry, lots of bad grammar and spellings above...

Georgeous · 30/11/2011 11:55

Hang on a minute! Am I the only one thinking that the OP has got some big issues herself? How could you marry a man who was keeping your existence a secret? How could you find it acceptable that he has "a few other children" out there that he doesn't see or support? Did you honestly think he was going to stand by you when he has a track record like that? IMHO you BOTH need therapy. Going legal alone is not going to sort things. I think you should go into therapy with him, not with the aim of forgiveness, but to understand what attracted you to him in the first place, and to make sure you never end up here again. Maybe he does really love you, he married you after all. But he sounds proper fucked up and I reckon you probably are too. Sorry to sound so harsh, but take it from someone who knows, there is ALWAYS a mutual responsibility in these situations.

Wafflepuss · 30/11/2011 11:58

Run. Straight to a Solicitor. Get out of this marriage and away from him as quickly as you can. Poor you and poor kids.

Planetoftheeggnog · 30/11/2011 12:00

Stuff therapy with him, just cut and run m'dear.....and have therapy for your (and your childrens') benefit....

Georgeous · 30/11/2011 12:05

She can cut and run, but she may never then face up to the FULL TRUTH and her own part in it. I agree the marriage is over, or should be, but all this "poor you, just get a solicitor crap" is allowing her to avoid responsibility. Am I the only one who thinks there have been big neon warning signs all the way along that the OP chose to ignore?

Tianc · 30/11/2011 12:14

WL, if he changed his name by deed poll to your surname, and hasn't told his parents about you, then clearly he is still using his old identity with them.

Similarly, if he hasn't changed jobs but work didn't know about you, he must be using his old identity there too. And therefore the bank account they pay into, his NI contributions, etc etc.

So he's running multiple current identities.

I wonder if you ever saw the paperwork for his "deed poll", or evidence he'd even done this? It sounds like he's created (legally or otherwise) a specific username for your marriage, and the rest of his life is conducted under other name(s).

Sorry, don't want to panic you, but this sounds very scary. Please, please get good legal advice.

TooEasilyTempted · 30/11/2011 12:24

Gorgeous I'm with you, said the same a few pages back. I honestly don't know ANYONE who would have got married and had children under these circumstances. The mind boggles! Definite need for lots of therapy.

Georgeous · 30/11/2011 12:43

Thank you TooEasilyTempted, glad someone agrees with me. Sorry I missed your post, there have been too many to read them all! The general consensus seems to that the OP is a helpless victim though, and while I do feel sorry for her I just can't go along with that.

Original poster
warmleatherette · 30/11/2011 13:13

Obviously I am culpable to some degree. It had reached the point where, in addition to the reasons listed above, I wanted him to marry me to force him to take some kind of responsibility for things. Not just bugger off and leave us, which I guess I suspected might hapen at some level. I'm sure if I'd posted a thread saying 'DP won't tell his parents about me, shall I marry him to legitimise things and protect me and the kids financially' lots of people would have said yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
warmleatherette · 30/11/2011 13:16

Sorry for typos - am on phone.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 30/11/2011 13:19

Lay off Gorgeous/Too, not necessary. OP doesn't sound like a helpless victim, just trying to sort out her future. You two are unreasonable and unhelpful, get off the thread or give useful advice.

Georgeous · 30/11/2011 13:20

Warmleatherette - I'm not sure that lots of people would have agreed with your plan. I certainly wouldn't. I would have INSISTED on meeting his parents/work colleagues/friends. And being married does not necessarily protect you - he can still bugger off. And he may have a claim to your house. I think you were clutching at straws.

I wonder what is your own family history? Was your Dad around? Supportive? Because it sounds to me like you have very low self esteem to put up with this shadowy half-relationship all these years.

Did you ever think about his other children and their mothers? Ever wonder how he could be so callous towards them? You have been turning a blind eye for a very long time.......

Georgeous · 30/11/2011 13:22

SirSugar - I am trying to be helpful. She needs to understand how this whole mess happened in order to make sure her next relationship is a healthier one. Yes she needs legal advice etc., but much more than that she needs some therapy!

Tianc · 30/11/2011 13:24

Georgeous, there are two types of people in the world.

Those who, when they see someone hit by a car, call an ambulance.

And those who just stand there saying, "That'll larn you to run out in the road."

The first type are motivated by a desire to help the person in trouble, in the way most appropriate for that stage in the situation.

The second type have other motivations.