Just discovered H's affair - how to get over the fact OW stayed at my house?

[warmleatherette]

Discovered DH's affair three weeks ago. He'd been seeing a girl from work. It was an emotional affair that turned physical in March this year, and ended when she moved to another country last month. She didn't know he was married with children and thought he was her boyfriend.

The icing on the cake? We got married in May this year. We'd been together five years, have two children, age 3 and 1. He's made a mockery of my life.

He also regularly invited her, and lots of his mates from work, to party in our house at weekends, while I was taking the children to visit my parents. He'd hide all the kids' stuff in their bedroom and keep the door shut.

Turns out none of his workmates knew about his wife and children either - he explained away the women's clothing around the place by saying that I was his flatmate who he used to shag, had moved in with, and was now broken up from.

I've kicked him out and he's staying at his mum's. He's promised to get therapy and sort himself out etc, do anything to keep me / us, but we'll see. I don't feel the same about him any more. He's ruined everything.

My question is: how can I get rid of the images of this other woman in my house? Falling asleep in my husband's arms on my sofa? Watching my television? Drinking my coffee in the mornings? I feel like my space has been completely violated. Have any of you had the OW in your house? How did you get over it?

Really, some people have no sense of TIMING.

Tianc, I didnt mean you!

Tianc, I see what you're saying. Perhaps I come across a bit strong. Believe me, I do sympathise with anyone in pain. I was just really puzzled and surprised that everybody was saying, "poor you, get a solicitor", and not "poor you, you really need to sort your head out". I am just of the opinion that although this hurts like hell, the OP was also the architect of this situation and nobody can change their lives for good without some self-examination. I am not trying to hurt her......

Firstly, I would bet my house that he is married already- and that one of the 'sisters living at home' is actually his wife and he has children with her.
Secondly, he told you he was an atheist so you never wondered why you didn't meet any of his friends or family from mosque.
Thirdly, he probably does have children with other girlfriends- like he had with you. His family won't care- as long as they don't have to know about it or as long as other people don't know.
Fourthly, he probably didn't like you shouting loudly or arguing in case the police were called and his 'real' name and address were revealed to you.

I have also been in shit/destructive relationships in the past and it took a good friend reading me the riot act during a particularly low point to make me wake up and smell the very strong coffee!

FWIW, Georgeous, I agree with you that WL needs at some point to reflect on this.

And clearly so does she! First things first, though.

The two laying into the op should really back off. Yes she does need to look at herself, therapy etc but not yet.

The ambulance analogy was very good. The most single important thing here, right now, is legal help. Not therapy, which can be sorted later.

Op stands to lose from this massively if she is married, ironically she thought she would be protected.

If he is indeed married, elsewhere. Happy days, no claims on ops house.

Mn is the ambulance, steering the op to help. Here and now. The legal team are the people in the hospital, stabilising the situation and limiting damage. Counselling is the prescribed physio on discharge!

Fair points Tianc and Bubble :)

OP, sorry if I made your day worse. Everything in it's own good time x

Op, you sound like a strong character on the whole, and I think you can get you and your kids through this.

Reading all of the posts the alarm bells for me were:

Changing his name via deed poll on the day of the marriage - why weren't you able to take his surname, who's idea was it for him to do this, and what surname do you have?

Not having his name on the mortgage - what reason did he give you for this? I'd be suspicious that he had another mortgage somewhere else with someone else, or a honk load of debt from his other lives.

Everything done through your bank account - so he has no paper trail in your life. What names are on the DC birth certificates?

He's a low earner - have you actually seen any pay statements, or transactions. Chances are the CSA may be taking a lot of his salary, or he's trying to avoid them altogether with name changes etc.

He has other kids along the way - I'd seriously be checking he has left them along the way, and isn't still convincing them he's a darling husband or partner either. Are you in contact with the other mums? Might be worth doing so to find out a little more about him.

His parents were abusive and are old school - really? The truth or just his word for it. His dad married a protestant, so he can't be that old school can he? Even if she converted to Islam she still has a protestant family and background wouldn't she? You only have his word that they were violent - I think he's done everything he can to keep you away from them and in fear of them.

He has left? Did he find somewhere quickly? Is it somewhere you can go and visit to talk, or is he cagey about that too?

Your wedding day - your friend had to be best man, not one person who had apparently been out celebrating with him on his engagement could stand next to him in church, not one understanding cousin, or school friend could be there.

I do know muslims who live a secret life from their parents, but they nearly always have another family member they can confide in, of their peer group - cousins, siblings etc, it surprises me that no-one knows about you, which would strongly suggest that he does have a separate life with his family, and at worst case, a wife and kids.

Op don't be harsh on yourself, writing it all down in black and white it sounds horrific and you'll be wondering how you could have been such a dullard - I felt the same. You're not - this man areshole has been dripfeeding you utter crap for years, whilst you've been having kids, setting up a home, working to keep a roof etc and generally been distracted with a busy life.

I have forgiven my partner for some utter selfish stupidity in the past, but this man doesn't know where real life begins and his lies end. You need to know answers but I am afraid that they will only end in utter heartache. You cannot trust one word he says. You need to protect yourself and you dcs.

I know it sounds harsh but I am hoping you actually aren't married, so that you can walk away without another bucketload of hassle.

Please see a solicitor or CAB and find out your rights and if searches can be done. I would consider ringing the police if I had suspicions.

Please get yourself an account sorted in your own name and make sure he doesn't have access. It's very hard to close a joint account without partner agreement, but you can redirect your money to a private account.

Please do a joint credit search on Experian if you can, it will list all his aliases and other accounts. It costs about £12 but could be totally worth it. If he's lying about all of this he could have loans in your name..cars in your name etc. Don't panic, just get yourself a search asap for peace of mind.

As for your house - well it's yours isn't it, so deepclean it and get new bedding and a mattress topper, move the furniture and bleach all the surfaces if it makes you feel better that he is expunged from the place. Don't blame her though, she may be completely innocent with all his excuses.

Do you know if she is pregnant? Can you contact her for some info?

Look after your DC's, it's a very sad time for you all, but you deserve respect and this man has given you none.

A couple of things occur to me reading through this thread.

First thing - have you been checked for STDs? I think you need to be.

Secondly - wrt any claim he might have on your property/assets. It would seem as Binfull says, that he has been careful not to leave much of a paper trail in your life. He has denied your existence in every possible way. Is there any proof that he was living at your house? I think in the circumstances, I would be denying that he lived there, to try to keep your assets as intact as possible.

We dont know mum and dad are against their son marrying out of islam, his dad married a white girl so why shouldnt the son?

You only know what he tells you and so far I'd say he's not averse to lying.

I bet they know nothing about you... or the dc.

He invites people to your house and hides any trace of your children and you .
I agree that alarm bells should have been ringing but he seems to have managed to fool a lot of people, not only you and your friends and family but also his work colleagues, friends and family.

Go and get yourself legal aid, you and your children deserve so much better. And don't be ashamed to ask your family and friends for help.

warmleatherette can I ask if you have ever met any of his friends?
Can I also ask if you have ever researched his real name - he could have a birthname, changed it by deedpole to new name A, then changed it again when you wed. He could have multiple identities.

ALso, does he go to work every day? Does he travel? DOes he work weekends? Maybe he has low income because he is working part time and has another wife or family or girlfriend supporting him elsewhere that he is spinning a line to. Id also be making inquiries discretely via credit history site. If you have the money, or can borrow it from family, Id even hire a PI to find out whats going on.

As an investment. And for your own peace of mind.

Warmleatherette - just wondering if you have any update? Hope you've been getting some RL support. I promise not to criticise!

tbh I think we can all be taken in if someone is convincing enough.

I actually met someone about eighteen months ago whose mil didn't know she and her dh were married. The mil did know of her existance, but the reason she gave was the her mil just wouldn't be able to cope with the knowledge her son was married - and this woman actually believed it.

But then she believed she was in a happy marriage which clearly the op never really has believed..

But I think it's all too easy to make judgements on someone else's life based on how we live our own, when actually most people probably have something in their life which others find hard to comprehend - people who cannot understand how couples have separate bank accounts/joint bank accounts/time apart/spend all their time together etc etc.

No one way is right or wrong, and while the op's h in this instance seems to have been guilty of the most incomprehensible betrayal of the op, if you are fed this information over a period then it can be understood how you might believe it to be true, especially if you have limited understanding of the circs ie strict muslim background which if you've never lived it, don't know...

I think it is common for the second generation from Asian families (of a range of religions) to conceal relationships with white partners. Loads of DH's friends, of both sexes, have concealed long term partners. Who is that celebrity who was recently in a documentary about adopting a child from an Indian Orphanage, and the whole thing almost fell through because she was so anxious to conceal a former boyfriend from her mother.

DH took ages to tell his parents about me, and in fact didn't until I was 3 or 4 months pg, and he wrote a letter from a 'safe distance' to tell them, before introducing me. A more cowardly person may have kept up the subterfuge for longer.

HOWEVER that is nothing to do wtih being unfaithful, and completely different from deceiving the person you marry. DH is not a two-timing bastard - just brought up in the heavy shadow of very clear cut family expectations. I can see how this made it easier for the OP's 'DH' to conceal his duplicity from the OP - he used the family stuff as his alibi and cover.

Really sorry, OP. I am not usually one of the first to say jettison a relationship without trying to work it out, but the best thing you can do is look after your own interests first and foremost and get yourself as independent from him as possibvle as fast as possible.

Make an appt at CAB asap and see what rights you have to chuck him out, and what support you would be entitled to. And maybe see a family law solicitor - you might get the first appointment for free.

I wouldn't waste time contacting his family, there is nothing to be gained from that.

Hello, sorry for disappearing for a bit: real life (aka STBXH) got in the way.

I know his birth name and his parents' address. I've seen current and previous passports in this name. I know his bank account, how much salary is paid in, I've seen payslips and so on. I have a separate bank account and always have, in my name only, from which the mortgage is paid. He's shown as living at my address on the council tax register and electoral roll, but that's about it, otherwise everything is in my name.

So I don't think he's actually bankrolling another family or concealing multiple identities, just his birth name and the name he changed to. He took my name on marriage because he wanted to change his name anyway, and I said I would never take his family's name when I'd never even met them. But he hasn't really used the new name that much because you have to get your passport changed which costs £77 and he'd only just got a new one (poverty-stricken emoticon).

I think this statement, from binfullofmaggots, sums it up best:

this man areshole has been dripfeeding you utter crap for years, whilst you've been having kids, setting up a home, working to keep a roof etc and generally been distracted with a busy life.

My children are 20 months apart and my life has been taken up with night wakings, breastfeeding, potty training and all the rest of it. If your to do list includes 'cook dinner, tidy house, do laundry, breastfeed infant, force partner to tell his family about your relationship' - guess which one is most likely to be left for another day?

And right now I'm still dealing with the aftermath of his affair. I know you are all 'omg you have much worse problems than the affair' and yeah, I agree with that. But I already knew he was lying to his family and workmates about me. I didn't already know (until yesterday) that the first time they fucked in our house was November 2010, when our daughter was only 9 months old. I didn't already know (until yesterday) that he never actually sent the email he claimed to have sent dumping her and telling her all about us. (I wrote OW a letter with my email address in: she mailed me back saying how 'utterly shocked' she was at his behaviour, and we're going to speak on the phone tonight.)

So right now, that's what I'm dealing with. And next I will deal with contacting tax credits and the CSA, and trying to sort out the money, although I actually don't understand how I'm going to be able to pay my mortgage. And I think I am going to write a letter to his parents, not because I expect or want anything from them - though they need to know they can see the kids if they want to - but because I am sick of his man and his lies. He desperately doesn't want me to write to them - just as he desperately didn't want me to write to the OW - and when that man desperately doesn't want you to do something, then it's usually the best course of action.

Do talk to your mortgage company ASAP. They would much rather you can pay the mortgage somehow, rather than repocess or anything, they maybe able to give you payment holiday or something while you sort things out.

So sorry to hear all this, OP.

And horrible though your new information is, it makes the decision not to 'get over' the grim facts of the OW in your house that much clearer, doesn't it?

I am sure that some combination of CSA / Housing benefit will keep a roof over your head, but please, please please get a solicitor asap because this dishonest exploitative git with no principles at all could end up owning half the house you bought and paid the mortgage on - courtesy your marriage.

You sound like such a strong person, Warm, you can pull your little family through this.

Please seek legal advice even if it's CAB and get an appointment with social services.

All the best to you. I hope your family are giving you support?

Chatting to the OW has been hilarious. H told her our son was his godson - the son of his best friend who had committed suicide. Apparently said godson came to visit frequently, hence buggy / high chair etc in our house. And apparently godson's mother was a drug addict who was always trying to get money out of H. And apparently he had a lawyer on the case and was going to try to get full custody of the godson. OMG. I MARRIED A COMPULSIVE LIAR. What a laugh.

Thanks again for all the support. Reading Mumsnet has been fantastic, partly to realise that there are many douchey men out there who will do atrocious things, that it's not just me that something like this has happened to.

- how very bizarre. You cannot trust anything he says now. How sure are you that the people he has said are his parents are actually his parents? They could be anyone!

Although it just gets worse with each revelation, you can take some strength from this. You have absolutely no reason to doubt yourself, this man has lied to everyone, you, work, friends, colleagues and the OW. He lied about you and even lied about his DS. Everyone believed him. This situation is entirely down to him, and he was good at it.

You are doing so well Warm. Given that this can only go one way now, do speak to a solicitor as a priority, you must protect you and DC's home from this man.

I wouldn't reveal myself to the grandparents. You could end up the victim of an honour killing or something.