Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

sorry lost a bit of my post

The Op said that she did not anticipate any problems with saying no to him and that she did not feel pressured

I don't think all the debating about s&m stuff is all that relevant, although some very interesting points.

The main relevant point is that you don't feel comfortable with what he wants from you in bed. To the point that you ended up feeling vulnerable and scared. You told him about this and he doesn't seem arsed about talking about your feelings.

The lesson to learn is respecting your own boundaries. If you don't like something then put a stop to it, even in the heat of the moment. If you aren't comfortable then don't do it. Yes, nowt wrong with trying new things, but its also ok to say no, this isn't working for me, stop please. Or to say that you didn't like it and won't be doing it again.

It sounds like you are not really compatible if he sees this as normal sex with a woman he hasn't known long, and you see it as well beyond your comfort zone.

ginlet - I feel a Victoria Wood song coming on

You are picking up on one post. You wouldn't see it as being pressured, as it's your scene pink. That's my point. You have just picked up on the, defend BDSM and everyone else is frigid view point.

People who didn't have a prejudice towards the scene, could see the subtly in ops posts which suggested all was not well. That is why the have been so strong against those dismissing it out of hand.

Rightly so, as some people have been more interested in saying how cool it is to be into BDSM, rather than seeing the bigger picture.

Pink the op has since come back and said that actually, something is not sitting right with her about it at all. That she is also not happy with the situation.

This is what people have been trying to get to the bottom of, why she feels this way, how this has come to pass.

As a new partner having you question yourself, and making you feel like this, whatever the reason is not good.

You however have used it as BDSM debate thread.

Who cares if it is cool?

Apparently bumsex is all the rage these days and it is expected that women will be up for it

But I don't want to so I don't do it. Simple. Not bothered if it is cool or not.
Having your muff waxed is dead cool these days, you can even get it blinged with crystals if you want. Apparently men expect women to be waxed. Again, I don't want to so I don't do it.

Don't consider "coolness" when deciding what does not make you feel safe and comfortable and loved during sex. Sex is an intimate act between two people, not about keeping up with trends and fashions.

beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly, Hully

Wasn't that a great song? Good ol Victoria

defend BDSM and everyone else is frigid view point - i really don't think that and I haven't said that at any point. I think people are seeing potential violent abusers coming out of the woodwork where everyone is obsessed by porn and wanking over the women they work with, comparing it to teachers wanking over schoolgirl porn! - it is really disturbing that because I do indulge in this sort of thing I would be thrown i with this sort of thing!

I have not dismissed anything out of hand with regards to the OP - I think he is a clumsy inconsiderate arse and has not handled things very well but not necessarily a potential bad guy. Not right for her of course because they are clearly incompatible. And not sure it is 'cool' to be into BDSM - it's just fucking you know.

what has pain got to do with love and pleasure?

pain is narsty

Love it.

For the benefit of those unfamiliar with the Ballad of Barry and Freda, enjoy...

Did I say it was cool, have I missed something?

Allabitmuch, that's great that you've decided to steer clear of him. Mind you I think once he realises he's lost control he'll be back to real you in again, he'll probably say some things that you want to hear and want to believe.

My advice would be to arm yourself with this book:

Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men

Him ignoring you straight after you've told him that something he did to you made you feel vulnerable and shaky is classic controlling behaviour. Seriously stay well clear from men like this in the future. They don't have your best interests at heart.

Pinky men who call women whores and want to hit them, consensually or otherwise, are always bad guys. Why pretend otherwise.

Why of course you said it was, cool, pinky.
Just like, apparently, I was 'blowing a gasket' in order to try and defend BDSM, and telling the OP that she should shut up and put up with whatever her new partner wanted becuase it turned him on. (I don't remember saying anything of the sort, nor can I find it on this thread, but it's there, apparently.
)
And just like the bloke in question is clearly, a support worker who's chosen to work with vulnerable women and wanks off over their accounts of abuse.

Him ignoring you straight after you've told him that something he did to you made you feel vulnerable and shaky is classic controlling behaviour.

As is being at dinner with friends when texted?

Yes, glad you're rid of him, OP. Sounds like he's not for you.

As I said earlier, he doesn't have to be an 'abuser' to be worthy of rejection.

I think I agree with that actually thunderbolts - a bit of having your arse smacked a bit is one thing during the sex, but smacked in the face?

Hmm. no thanks. Also, wouldn't that just really, really fucking hurt?

also the bum is an erogenous region so not surprising that a good number of people enjoy a bit of light bottom spanking.

The face is quite different though. It isn't done to please you at all, it is done deliberately to hurt you.

I dated a bloke once who had been asked by a girl he was seeing, to punch her in the face during sex.

He refused and told me that it had really disturbed him.

One of the problems with sadomasochistic behaviour by men towards women, apart from the obvious fact that male sadism towards women should never be encouraged, is that it trauma-bonds the women on the receiving end of the violence to the men who are abusing them. Thus these sadistic men are able to exert even greater control than they would in a non-violent controlling relationship. There's a reason why torturers use pain and violence to brainwash people - because it works. It's no different in a relationship, apart from the fact that people don't see it in those terms - on a certain level this kind of sexual violence in a relationship is seen as "normal" by many people.

Ive jsut been sizing up the google images of the human rights lawyers who speicalise in asylum to work out who has hands that look slappy ;)

BUt does that apply the other way round then? If I indulge in sm with a man?

Pinky men who call women whores and want to hit them, consensually or otherwise, are always bad guys. Why pretend otherwise. So again if this is me doing this I am a bad guy/gal?

i have ONE in mind

he looks pretty handy

I really dont want to post on this thread anymore, as it seems disrespectful to keep harping on about this bdsm issue. I ahve found may of the posts intersting though, particualrly thunder's re there being a lot of discussion on bdsm scene about how male dominants can break down the barriers of their submissive partner or 'encourage' her to push her boundaries. I absolutely agree with that and have seen similar.

I would just liek to say though, that I (and assume others who were posting similar points) did not come onto the thread to 'defend' bdsm (fgs!) or to say that it was 'cool' or accuse others of being 'frigid'. The reason for posting was just to say if, as op said, he was 'kind, considerate respectful' and he had expressed an interst in this sort of thing then worth considering that he may well be perfectly decent but just has certain kinks that may not be compatible. I understand others felt there was something worrying about the tone of OP's posts from the start...I didnt.

And sorry, but Bubble you ahve some decent points but what the heck with all the embellishments?? I'm having to overlook a load of made-up guff in your posts just to see your actual point. Its not necessary, just say what you mean without caricaturing the other people involved in the disn.usio.

*discussion.