Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

Yes I have and I didn't say that.

Ouch, sorry, AlwaysWild!

bubble?

As for porn being 'real'/'imagined' situations, Always, I think the issue of coercion is key.

Noone seriously argues that actors in mainstream drama are really 'doing' staged acts, because generally they are protected by proper contracts, the y are consenting, etc. And action is safely and genuinely staged.

In porn this often is not the case, and so, yes actors really are being abused.
So coercion and consent are important.

You are referring to me Plump. Yes I have read the first few pages. I know the majority in this thread had those concerns, rightly so.

It's the few that have come in and blow a gasket about it all being BDSM hating that have totally dismissed the possibility, including you.

Like someone said earlier. I'm sure he would get "consent" if he kept pushing her and her boundaries of "normal".

Wot I like is a great big shovel over the nut during a bit of the old rumpy

No, bubble, I have not dismissed the possibility, but I have referred to it as just that - rather than as a certainty.

I agree that if the OP was encouraged to 'put up' with his requests, and not to question her own response to them, then yes, potentially, she would be coerced into accepting them. I think I made this quite clear early on in this thread.

Hullgully

Hopefully you are not a gardening injuries support worker though Hullygully.

I think what I was getting at when I mentioned differences between dating now and, say, 20 or 30 years ago is that perhaps the easy availability of porn and sheer volume of sexual material on the internet has changed the rules of the game.

I seem to remember that when I was 19 or so the men I dated counted themselves bloody lucky if they got as much as a snog, let alone a shag! They had to put in quite a bit of effort - who wants to get jiggy with someone who is then going to end up being a complete prat or, worse, a total perve. There was a lot of mysogynistic behaviour around then (maybe still is) and I remember how creepy some of the guys were.

And no, I am not Mary Whitehouse and I am not a man hater either. I just look at my rather gorgeous teenagers and wonder what lies in store for them.

JeremyVile size and strength are crucial here.

if a 90kg person requests a 60kg to slap them around a bit, then the control and domination is pretending.

if a 90kg person slaps around a 60kg person then the control and domination is real Yes, even if he asked first, it's still real.

note that in both scenarios regardless of who is hitting who, the larger stronger person is getting his own way.

Don't actors/actresses in long term roles end up confusing reality with their role persona?
And those who play very intense roles-even for short periods- sometimes are in a distress long after the role ends.
And these are people who have been trained to do role playing - but they cannot just switch on and off like that.

Someone raised an interesting point about their own perception of BDSM as being all about submissive women and dominant men. It isn't. As someone who has been on the fetish scene for more than 20 years, I can say I have always found more submissive men than submissive women out there. When I first started out, submissive women were really, really unususal, at least at public events. Now there are more, but that could be because there are more women, in general, on the fetish scene.
I like BDSM but I'm a top. I'm the one who does the slapping. I have no interest in doing anything with anyone who doesn't like it, and no interest in having it done to me.
I don'[t think that makes me a red flag abuser, even though I am actually quite big and strong.

Laquitar,

'I felt like I'd been run over or something. Totally," another long pause. "Smashed. It can be quite hard. I've been thinking about this a lot recently and I think it's the reason why I know I need a break after this. If it's your job to make imaginary things real - and I'm not always great at achieving that but it's what I'm trying to do - even the attempt to make this other reality real to yourself can be really confusing. Because it can feel more real than your real life, and it can really screw you up.'

Ben Whishaw said that about making the tv series Criminal Justice.

SGB - I posted the same as you a while ago and it was disregarded. (secretly I wonder if we know each other actually..........) - I too would say on the whole I am a Top (although I have enjoyed trying nearly all the different roles at one point) and my experience also would bear out that there are many more subby men than women. I have been out and about I think just over 10/11 years and would agree that more women are in this role now but I also think there are more people who switch too than when I first encountered the scene. It seems to me that years ago things seemed a lot more black and white - as fetish has been rolled out and more mainstream that lines have become blurred and people try more roles out (maybe this is not true maybe just i the places I go to)

Am big and strong too which is why by the definition of some people on this thread I too would be considered a red flag abuser.

yy MillyR.
Imagine this with the name calling. If your partner calls you 'whore' every single night for years, in the end it will register with you, you will start believing that you are.

I won't bang on too much about this, because it might be better on a thread on it's own, not somebody's personal one, IYSWIM, but it was me wondering about the male/female frequency of who dominates etc. I have definitely formed the impression on here that more women take the submissive role, and this is certainly true of the kind of pornography which seems popular now. So I think there may be a difference between the majority of people who visit some of these themes in their sex life, and the minority who are more committed to the whole BDSM scene, arrange meetings online, go to parties and social events with others from the same scene etc etc. Where it is all openly acknowledged and the rules and etiquette of it all are part of the scene's culture, I think it's likely that there is more mutuality and less emotional bullying that can go on around these issues in non-scene relationships.

Oh, and I haven't assumed anybody is an abuser. But something about how the OP has described this particular man makes me cautious, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with it in her shoes either.

I would like to have at someone with a hoe

What I did do once to someone who had REALLY annoyed me, was wait until he was nekkid, tie his hands up all saucy-like with titters and such, then get the bunch of roses he had bought from the vase and whup his sorry arse with the thorny ends. That learned him.

Actual LOL.

LeBOF - quite right about an open scene, with parties, and the closed environment of a relationship.

What le said. Soe people see it as abusive, some don't. I can see how people may enjoy it.

So no-one has labelled the posters asking abusers.

What they have said, is that in the flurry to defend your "scene", you've missed some subtle red flags here. Which shows this man as the potential to be a really nasty piece of work. Until op last posted.

Hully

Just to clarify, he is not a support worker and did not enter his line of work specifically because he wanted to work with vulnerable people.

He is a human rights lawyer specialising in asylum. So he works with a lot of trafficked women to try to prevent them from being deported as well as other asylum seekers.

Like I say, he's passionate about his work.

no one poster said that slapping around someone smaller than you was abusive - I am one of those people ergo abusive then. Lots of people talked about 'grooming' ffs - I don't think that the OP was being pressured in anyway - I think he might have been clumsy and careless but red flag abuse wise I don't think so.

He did not text her back when she needed support (inconsiderate twat probably) and I said I might have been careless in the past with someone elses feelings after pervy sex but it does not make me or him a nasty piece of work.

Hully a good friend of mine was once asked by a suitor if he would hit him over the head with a hoover attachment at a crucial moment of proceedings.
The suitor was of course, in local politics.

The OP herself said if she refused she did not anticipate any problems with that

They are incompatible is all, she has not narrowly avoided a terrible fate with a violent sexual abuser.