Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

[Allabitmuch]

Thanks Imperial. It's embarrassing more than anything, but I'll live. It's all experience I suppose, and really I can live without a selfish arse for a boyfriend. Bah.. he wasn't all that anyway....

[ImperialBlether]

Ugh, you poor thing. Don't feel bad about it - he's shown his true colours really early on and has spared you a much worse time later on.

So sorry, though - I know what it's like thinking someone's right for you and then finding out they really aren't.

[Allabitmuch]

Hi Imperial, we have since had a conversation about it - although the conversation was initiated by me (I know I know.... I wanted to leave it but it proved too difficult - I felt as though I wanted some proper closure.)

He said what I thought he would say, which was that he had taken my text that I was ok at face value and that he would have called if I hadn't sent it. I told him that I thought most people would have called anyway and the fact that he didn't suggested to me that he was not prepared to offer the minimum of care and respect that I would expect in a relationship, however new or casual.

He did apologise but also said in the same breath that he didn't know why he was being 'attacked' as he didn't feel he had done anything wrong. I said that I did not want to continue seeing him if he could not treat me decently and he said that he "respected my decision".

I then said something stupid along the lines of, "So you're not tempted to try to talk me round then?" To which he replied that he didn't play games, that he had to go, but that he would call again so that we could discuss it some more.

That was over a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. I feel rather humiliated and disappointed by it all to be honest - this is the first 'almost' relationship I've had in years. Will I never learn to just leave things be!?

But there we are, such is life. Nobody died, and I've just had a brilliant weekend seeing friends which has given me a real boost.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, has he really not contacted you since you spoke to him about it?

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

OMG, do not contact him.
Whatever his reasons for not getting in touch - and the most likely reason is simply that he can't be bothered, because he's not getting the 'fun' he expects from you - and even if he was, it would be at the cost of him making the effort to care about your feelings, which is clearly something he's incapable of or unprepared to do... whatever his reasons, you will not get any sort of closure, satisfaction or enlightenment from contacting him.
Either he'll ignore you again, or he'll give some nasty, belittling response that will make you feel like shit. Which is not what you need or deserve.
Seriously, there is nothing to be gained by trying to interact with him.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but really, just walk away from it.

[PosiesOfPoinsettia]

All. He couldn't care less.

[ChristinedePizanne]

He doesn't care that you were freaked out, he's pissed off because you don't want to indulge his creepy fantasies

[TheRealTillyMinto]

he is a coward.

[EleanorRathbone]

Nope, don't buy it.

Anyone would decent would be concerned by the "freaked out" bit and wouldn't accept the "worked it out" bit at face value. Grown up men recognise that this is an offering of a get out clause and don't jump at it because they know they shouldn't.

He's an arse.

[dogfish]

Hard to generalise. Some blokes (& I'm one) may be more likely to take what you said at face value. And while women, as you say, may be more likely to call up anyway, IME women who have decided they want out in cases like this usually vanish without calling, as you more or less did.

I suspect this guy is a bit of an arse because face slapping is just on the wrong side of nasty, but in other respects his behaviour seems depressingly typical of either men or women who have decided that a short term relationship has run its course.

[EleanorRathbone]

No allabitmuch, this is not a difference in how men and women communicate.

This is a difference between how sensitive, decent men and women communicate and how fucking entitled arses communicate.

Any decent man would have picked up ont he freaked out bit, he chose not to not because he is a man, but because he is a Bad Man. Good men can communicate every bit as well as women can, have as much empathy as women and are as nice as women.

He's an arse.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I think tbh he read it, understood what you meant by it, and has rejected you as not fit for his shitty purposes.

What an arse.

You are not an object for shagging/hitting. You are a lovely woman who deserves respect and love.

[Allabitmuch]

Yes perhaps you're right Dogfish. I expected him to want to speak to me about the fact that I had been a little freaked out - but perhaps he really did take my assertion that I'd dealt with it at face value.

Does this highlight a difference in the way men and women communicate perhaps? Most women I know would have picked up on the freaked out bit, read between the lines, and called to see if the person was ok, no matter what they had said about having dealt with it already.

But perhaps he read my text, which ended 'have a good week' and thought, 'Oh she's fine. Good. I'll go and get on with having a good week then.'

[dogfish]

Wasn't not contacting him what you already intended to do anyway, since you said the relationship didn't warrant formal termination? So I don't think you should feel too hard done by now given that he's only done the same thing, and straight after you told him you'd dealt with any negative feelings.

[Laquitar]

I think when you have the last word and the last full stop you feel like the winner rather than victim so maybe it is not very bad idea if it is going to make you feel better.

I know it is a cliche but do 'keep busy'. See friends, go to movies, shops, invite friends for dinner, order books on Amazon, decorate your house, learn something new, plan a trip....

[Allabitmuch]

Ach Laquitar there's nothing he could say that would make it ok. I'm just looking for ways to make me feel better.

But ranty e-mails are not terribly dignified are they, at the end of the day. And I would rather keep what dignity I have left.

[Laquitar]

If you want to do it because you secretly hope for a response/reaction don't do it.

If you are 150% sure that you don't care about him and you just want to have the last word then i suppose you could do it. As long as you send the text/email and then you forget about it.

You are not stupid, you are a smart woman who had a lucky escape.

[Allabitmuch]

Oh bloody hell I'm as cross with myself as much as with him. I'm too long in the tooth to be had like this.

Git git git.

[garlicnutter]

It's a bad idea right now, yes. Vent on here, vent to your friends and vent to a counsellor if it'll help. Write letters and tear them up. Above all, remind yourself that YOU are lovely, wise, witty, sexy and intelligent and YOU get to choose a partner worthy and respectful of your merits!

I once wrote a short 'dumped' letter to an ex at his home address, a few weeks after the sudden loss of contact. I suspected the "mother" he lived with was actually his wife - but, whether or not, I felt better for sending my letter. And that's what counts

[LeBOF]

Yes, it's a terrible idea. He's just a wanker. Sorry you feel so deceived though.

[Allabitmuch]

Quick update: as if I don't feel enough as though I've made a huge mistake (and although I never intended to see him again anyway) he hasn't contacted me. At all. Since I sent the text telling him that how far we'd gone had scared me a bit but not to worry as I had dealt with it. Which was a week ago.

Now then, there is one positive to come from this situation and that is that it has reminded me to slow my roll a bit and wait until I know someone a lot better before engaging in the sort of sexual behaviour that requires such a huge amount of trust.

But he came across as so kind and considerate. I never thought in a million years he would do this. I feel so cross and so stupid. I'm tempted to contact him and tell him how badly I think he's behaved.

This is a bad idea isn't it.

[toptramp]

I like having my arse slapped (cheeky and naughty and well padded!) but face? No.

[scottishmummy]

indeed,some composure reqd
and yes op needs recognition for working through difficult stuff

[ShirleyKnot]

ARF!

[JeremyVile]

Wull ye aw hawd yer weesht!

Your turning this civilised sexy-face-slapping thread into a spectacle.