Just can't get over his beer belly :-(

[nevermindthebuzzcocks]

I know this is really mean and if it was a woman who had put on weight everyone would be saying, "he should love you for who you are" etc etc

But... my DH has got quite a beer belly on him and I'm struggling to keep feeling sexual about him. The rest of him is fine, his arms are nice and his legs are muscley but the belly really could pass for a pregnancy belly.

He has said to me frequently that he thinks i don't fancy him anymore and I am always honest and say that i do fancy HIM but i don't like his belly. But he does nothing about it. I am sure it's all the beer that he drinks and he is sure that it's all because i keep buying chocolate or biscuits (for the kids packed lunches) and it's MY fault that he keeps eating them.

He wont belive it is the beer because years ago when he was in his early thirties he could drink the same amount of beer and not have a belly (he refuses to see that now he is 44 he isn't able to deal with all the beer without getting a belly).

Anyway, my question is, what am i meant to do? I don't like having sex with him at the moment because his belly LITERALLY gets in the way. Am i a bitch???

Well, I certainly know that if my wife put on too much weight and I started to find her body shape unattractive I would definitely go on to a website to discuss with a load of blokes what I could do to get her to sort herself out. Hopefully we could have a bit of banter about sex being difficult with her huge arse getting in the way, and walking behind her chanting "hey fatty boom boom" would be up there with the sort of advice I would be hoping for. Can't see anything wrong with that at all.

Whilst all the talk of lifting bellies up and carpet burns is , I think that there is more to you not wanting to have sex with him than his wobbly belly. If he got back to his old slim size, I bet you still wouldn't fancy him.

The drinking is a big problem, especially if he refuse to consider it as contributing to the problems- beer belly, sleep, health- he has going on. He sounds dependent on it judging from this:

"he just wants to keep spending all our money on beer and drinking that instead."

This sounds rotten. You sound like you're despairing over this and feel helpless over how much alcohol he's consuming. I would work out how much of the household's money is going on alcohol each week. He needs to hear that it's not right to piss money away on alcohol to the extent that it damages his health and makes you lose all respect for him.

Sorry this thread is moving quite fast and i keep not replying to people.

carernotasaint yes i think i resent the money for beer more than i admit to myself - when we recycle all the beer cans i get really mad as it just seems like money going in the recycle bin.

youtalkintome it's a lovely idea but he wouldn't go to a gym and we have two children who are too young to leave at home. He keeps saying he is going to start running but i seriously think it would kill him. we have started walking more since we moved to the countryside but unless he stops the beer that isn't gonna be enough.

pink4ever I know what you mean. my DH does stupid diets and then puts it back on.

maleview70 I do agree with malificence size 10 is very hard to achieve. I am not just talking about a man who is carrying a little weight i'm talking about a man who looks like he is about to give birth.

For anyone who doubts that i do actually love him - i am almost in tears because i feel like such a traitor for slagging him off to you.

Got to be honest. I don't like having sex with an over sized walrus either.

Bottom line is you need to communicate with him. If he doesn't respond then you need to seriously put it on the line. And if that doesn't work i guess you're in the realms of reevaluating your whole relationship.

nesbo i didn't come on here to laugh at him and i didn't ask people to say hey fatty boom boom. i have discussed this with a good friend but it is actually to save him embarrassment that i asked a bunch of strangers. my RL friends know him and i don't want them to know i don't fancy him but to the people on here i am anonymous and therefore he can't get embarrassed.

I am actually hoping for some advise and support - not just a good old slag off of the man i love - honest.

bigtillymint I think i would fancy him again if he just got a bit flatter. sometimes i look at his twinkly blue eyes and his lovely big strong arms and i do see the man i fancied so much years ago.

Isayholmes thanks for your support, you are right - i am despairing over this

Sparks, why do you have to phrase it like that, "an over sized walrus"?

He's still a man and like any woman who's heavier than she wants to be, deserves some respect and that includes respectful language.

You have to stress the health risks to him - diabetes, heart problems, impotence, if he hasn't got one or all of them already , he will have in the not too distant future. My bil is 45 and very overweight, he has high BP and diabetes ( I haven't asked if he has ED!) .

For the record, I would say exactly the same about a woman with a huge gut - it's not healthy to carry large amounts of fat around your middle.

Being large doesn't automatically = being dangerously unhealthy, I'm by no means slim, I'm a well proportioned 16 but I'm healthy and fit.

imperialblether thanks

Quite frankly i fail to see how being described as an over sized walrus is any less insulting than being described as a male who looks like a pregnant woman. And that's because it's not.

The way ahead is quite obvious and simple.

malificence he is lucky, at the moment, he seems to have avoided diabetes and his heart is fine but, as you say fat around the middle is the most unhealthy kind of fat. he is asthmatic and on steroids and whilst they have contributed to the weight gain, i think it would be a more general gain not all in the one place if it was all down to the steroids.

Ok. so the plan is to sit him down when the kids are asleep one night this week and discuss the fact that the doctor told him to lose weight. tell him i am here to support him (I'll lose some with him if it helps - i could do with it) and discuss how we are gonna do it. i wont mentuion the sex thing unless he does but i refuse to lie about it and if he brings it up i will say that I am struggling. i honestly would like to grow old with tis man but he can't keep living like this and not expect consequences.

"If this was a man posting about his wife there would be uproar."

Not from me there wouldn't

sparks1 I disagree - a walrus is quite an ugly thing.

i am describing him as a pregnant woman because that is seriously what his belly looks like (it is solid and round just like mine was when i was pregnant both times). i'm not saying it to get a laugh or to slag him off - I am trying to describe it to people who don't know him and might think i just mean a little bit of a soft flobby belly.

who on earth can argue with the view "my partner has gained loads of weight and I no longer fancy them"?

unfortunately I can see no solution except the husband losing weight

sparks1 - what is my way ahead then???

buzzcocks, if he isn't listening then you need to elevate it. Make the implications of him not doing anything more severe.

The fact you don't want to have sex with him will pail into insignificance if the bloke drops dead due to his obesity.

OP its not just the beer is it. ANY extra calories will make someone fat if it is more than their body uses, where it settles is hormonal and genetic. As he is in the habit of eating biscuits and chocolate as well as beer, perhaps it would be a good idea to stop buying them. Of course you are not forcing him to eat them but why make that part of your family's diet? If your DP is feeling low, like many of us he will eat the sweet stuff. Also, if there is that much, its setting up bad habits for the DCs.

It's not the outside he needs to worry about health wise, its the visceral fat inside which could lead to serious health problems. You will need to work out what will best motivate him, loads more sex or your leaving carrot or stick. I would take the approach that works with him and try and offer your support which will mean practical steps like cutting down on the sweets, encouraging him into a physical hobby, walking, even the gym and promises or threats

good point - sparks1. the problem is he thinks he is bloody invincible. whenever the nurse does his blood pressure it's always absolutely fine. once they said he had the blood pressure of an athlete . and his heart always seems to be fine. Plus his parents are both 80 and seem like they'll go on forever and i honestly think that he feels like the usual rules don't apply to him.

Thanks for all the help you've all given. I will definitely talk to him about it.

To the cynical men who think i just wanted to slag him off and laugh about the sex i would just say that i could have posted this in the sex section but i chose relationships

heleninahandcart thanks. ii do agree that i need to decide how best to motivate him - not sure i can do the loads of sex thing at the moment though.

I must add that i don't buy loads of chocolate. I might buy a pack of 10 breakaways with a view to putting them in the DCs lunch boxes - thus they would last 5 days but if he finds them in the fridge he could eat 4 in one go and then get mad at me for feeding him up!!!!

i do try buying fruit more because fortunately the DCs love it but I do like to get them lunch box biscuits sometimes. he should have the bloody wllpower not to eat them all. i am capable of just eating one.

I'd hide the biscuits! Then he can't blame you that he eats them. Maybe you could hide the beer too

Good luck Buzzcocks. :)

I wasn't having a dig at you. More some of the ridiculous,sexist and quite frankly insulting comments that followed.

Us blokes are stupid when it comes to the doctor. I dare not say how long it is since i saw mine! In fact i don't think he even works at that practice anymore!

But with something so obvious your DH really needs to get himself sorted.

Do you have your own car? If so, hide the biscuits in there.

He clearly isn't happy with his body. Nobody is if they've got some weight to lose (I don't care what anyone says, nobody is happy being overweight.) Yes, he's defensive - it's embarrassing being overweight. He will know that he finds things more difficult than he did as a younger, fitter man and he'll know that's mainly down to his weight.

Can you join some sort of walking group at the weekends? Have you seen the Rambers' Association. They have really good walks and if your children are school age, I think they'd really enjoy them, too. What about all of you going for a twenty minute walk every evening? Just a small thing like that would make a big difference.

There's no doubt about it that he needs to cut down on beer, not just for weight but for the financial costs involved. Is there any way he could gradually cut down, so that each week he's having one bottle/can less per night? How much does he drink?

But shouldn't you and he be concentrating on sorting out his depression and drinking? Then his weight would probably come off as he became happier. He is depressed, drinks too much, put on weight, wife goes off him sexually, he feels shit, gets more depressed - what's the point - drinks more etc.

But he won't go to the doctor, will he? He's self-medicating (ie getting pissed.)