am I being a witch or a doormat ?

[ginger19]

Dh has always liked to party.We have 2 dc one 9 months. A dreadful pattern has become part of life in my home.DH says he is going out for dinner with a friend , then rolls in at 3 30 , 4 ..Last night 5.15. When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now.

Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night . Last night , said he was going for dinner . I started calling him at about 2.30. No answer. By 4.30 when I called again a strange bloke ( friend of his apparently) picks up his phone and says ..My god. This guy is really drunk .I have never seen him like this .I will try and put him in a cab. I could hear DH in backgroud saying he didnt want to talk to me.He came home 5.15 staggering.

I have let him know in every way I can how disrespectful and hurtful i find this.I would say this is a regular event like 2 x per month some times more.However not usually 5.00
I have friends who tell me that their DH is out all the time but they are fine with it. I cant tell if I am overreacting. What I do know is how hard I find it to wake up when baby cries and realize he has not come home. I dont think it is an affair...But it feels so selfish to me.

He sounds awful. I could not tolerate this especially when my children were so young.

You might want to think about how far you want to go with this. Do you mind him going out but coming home earlier?

Have a good long think about where your snapping point is before you speak to him. I think you should let him know how his behaviour makes you feel.

you are neither a witch nor a doormat
he needs to grown up big time

I certainly would not be fine with this. Not one bit.

I have been married ten years and my husband has never in all that time behaved like yours. That is not respectful, kind and considerate behaviour, and you are right, it is very bloody selfish.

If he isnt having an affair, he certainly has a drink problem. No married man should be going out on his own twice a month, till all hours of the night, while his wife is stuck indoors.

And where the frig does any bloke go on a Monday night??? Dinner sounds very iffy? Who was he going to "dinner" with?

When do you get to go out and play? Just because you do not have a penis doesn't mean that you have no entitlement to leisure time.

If he doesn't want you to be a boring insecure nag, he needs to stop giving you reasons to be!

WTF does he thing he's doing staying out all night when he's in a relationship and has children?

If he wants you to trust him, he needs to earn it first. Are you prepared to call his bluff and give him the ultimatum?

FWIW, a more usual "out all the time" would be 7-10/11pm four nights a week pursuing a hobby or sport. Getting rat arsed round a mates house for no particular reason (ie not a birthday and without full consent of the other partner) is immature and childish. Are you absolutely convinced it's "only" alcohol?

Just to add this has happened so so many times. I dont mind him going out, but say "I will be home late". If I am being honest I find a 43 year old stumbling home at 3.am annoying. He makes me feel like a police man. I have tried threats silence, begging him to understand that with bb and family this is no way to go on.

Have tried ultimatum

43? Sounds like he should have grown up a long time ago?

Sorry, and I am always reluctant to say this, but I would give a final ultimatum. He should either quit going out as if he were a single "YOUNG" man, when he is really a middle aged married man, or he can piss off and live the life he wants, without you in it.

Well...I'm 36 and if I manage to go out I make it count. I'm never home before 6am. I go out with my mates maybe once a month?
My dh doesn't go out nearly as much as me, but doesn't mind at all when I do.

I think you're being a bit po faced, but I'm one of those that still likes to let my hair right down, so we're not going to agree.

He needs to grow up and realise that he's a father and a husband not a party animal, i find something wrong in a married man wanting to go out twice a month and get totally wrecked - how often does he take you for 'dinner'? Don't stand for it, you are certainly not a witch xxx

What was the ultimatum you gave? I would suggest "Be home by midnight/insert reasonable time in a fit state or don't come home at all"

However, you then have to be prepared to go through with it if he chooses the "not coming home option"

Oh and I too like to 'let my hair down' ... but i also like to wake up with a clear head so I can look after my daughter the next morning - I also respect my husband and wouldn't go out and get wrecked all of the time and stay out all night, i'm not 16 anymore i'm an adult, i think your husband should grow up.

Pictish, it sounds like you go out with the full support of your DH, who you have informed of your plans and approximate whereabouts - which is an important difference to the OP's situation.

lock the door the next time he rolls in at silly o clock, let him sleep on the door step!!

Rubbish Pictish! do you have two such young children?

This man need s to just grow up and take responsibility for his family!

God I always stay out all night! I don't leave the house until about 10pm!
My hub's fab - he thinks it's really good for me to go out and do my thing....he's always more than happy to let me lie in the next day to catch up on the sleep I've lost from being out all night.
Quite often, I stay over with a pal and don't get home till the following afternoon, and he's grand.
"Have fun" he tells me!

Different strokes and all that eh?

yeah - we have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old....what of it?

I know if this was the other way around and you where going out twice a month for dinner with friends - then rolled in at 3am+ this would not be tolerated in any shape way or form.

Btw - if your dh says he's coming home after dinner OP, then doesn't - then that's just rude.
He'd be as well to say 'I don't know when I'll be home - don't wait up' - at least then he's being honest with you.

you could of been talking about my exh he started doing exactly that once a week and then was so hungover and moody for two days, after it dominanted nearly our entire week, every week, as well as making us very overdrawn in the bank, he did this for years complpetley ignoring my requests to tamper it down a bit, he is in his early forties as well, anyway to cut a long story short the straw that broke the camels back for me was when i couldnt buy the kids new school shoes cause he had taken the last bit of money to go up the pub !! my decree absolute came through 2 weeks ago! Feel for you OP he sounds very immature and selfish!!

pictish-where do you go when you go on these nights out-grab a granny? I am 35 and I am very sociable-like you generally out once a month. Far more than dh. But I go out with friends to the cinema and drinks or for a meal. I really couldnt be arsed staying out til 6am-started going clubbing when I was 16 so am sooooooooooo past all that.

Your post really isnt that helpful to op either-her dh is being a disrespectful arse. Nothing wrong with him wanting to go out occasionally but blatantly lying to op and treating their home as a hotel is not on.

Op-please do give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Lock the door and dont let him in. Keep doing that until he gets the message.

Well yes susiedaisy that IS out of order.

It's not you, it's him.

Time to grow up.

However you cannot make a grown adult do what they dont want to.

You can leave though.

Grab a granny?! What? How rude! Hahahaaa!

Nooo...I generally go to a gig or a party, then onto someone else's place afterwards for chats and drinks. I have a group of friends (my age, most with kids) who organise woodland all night parties, with a massive bonfire and musicians and DJs throughout the summer, so that's always good. Sometimes it's just a wine and put the world to rights night with the laydeeez.

Why is that wrong? Just because YOU are past it doesn't mean I have to be!

I agree her dh is being disrespectful by lying to her, but other than that, I don't think what he's doing is especially out of order.

Unless there is form or history of course....which I don't know about.