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Original poster

am I being a witch or a doormat ?

159 replies

ginger19 · 08/11/2011 19:08

Dh has always liked to party.We have 2 dc one 9 months. A dreadful pattern has become part of life in my home.DH says he is going out for dinner with a friend , then rolls in at 3 30 , 4 ..Last night 5.15. When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now.

Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night . Last night , said he was going for dinner . I started calling him at about 2.30. No answer. By 4.30 when I called again a strange bloke ( friend of his apparently) picks up his phone and says ..My god. This guy is really drunk .I have never seen him like this .I will try and put him in a cab. I could hear DH in backgroud saying he didnt want to talk to me.He came home 5.15 staggering.

I have let him know in every way I can how disrespectful and hurtful i find this.I would say this is a regular event like 2 x per month some times more.However not usually 5.00
I have friends who tell me that their DH is out all the time but they are fine with it. I cant tell if I am overreacting. What I do know is how hard I find it to wake up when baby cries and realize he has not come home. I dont think it is an affair...But it feels so selfish to me.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 08/11/2011 20:59

Going out and getting drunk doesn't seem to be the main problem here.

It's the massive lack of respect and consideration shown by the OP's H.

He says he's going out to dinner and will be back after. So that would be assumed to be approximately 7-10pm, yes?

He doesn't come home or get in contact.

So, four hours after she was expecting him, the OP rings to see if he's ok, and wtf is going on.

At which point, the H refuses to speak to her to the point he can be heard on the phone telling a stranger that he doesn't want to speak to his own wife.

I don't really give a shit who spends all night in a forest and who never leaves their own street. No matter your social and/or sexual preferences, that is shitty behaviour.

Add to that, the OP has no idea exactly what the H is getting up to - he is secretive about his whereabouts and who he is with.

To me that's grounds for suspicion. There's no indication in the OP that the relationship is tolerant of infidelity so I'm assuming that monogamy is the norm here.

So can we please all stfu about whether going out all night is boring or ok and concentrate on the OP and how her H is behaving like a massive cock?

fanniadams · 08/11/2011 21:01

Maybe twice a month is a little often. . However, I personally dislike intensely, dealing with a drunken DH and so insist that if he and his mates are going out on a Friday or Saturday night - he stays out and returns the next morning.

I don't then worry about how drunk he is, or what time he will come rolling in and wake the baby or toddler or teenager and happily get on with my evening and enjoy having the whole bed to myself (and whatever children join me)

Its not for everyone, but it works for us Grin

pictish · 08/11/2011 21:05

The opposite of mundane? Hmmm...noteworthy? Exotic?

squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 21:07

I think the whole thing sounds suspect.

Going out for dinner... fine... you would expect someone who is going out to dinner to be home at the very latest after a restaurant closes. Or at least have the courtesy to call their partner and let them know, rather than have them at home worrying.

(Possibly just me, but I find it odd that a bloke would go out for dinner without his wife, ignore his phone, and get so bladdered that a stranger is answering his phone at 4.30am)

mrsmplus3 · 08/11/2011 21:17

just to piss off all you ravers out there - my husband is away out as we speak to the pub - and he's driving! woo hoo, rock and roll! hahahahha

seriously though, he drives on a tues nt cause hes working tomorrow but his friends arent. i know hell be home around 11 or 12 for a cup of tea and a cuddle (wink) (wink)

OP just have a good chat with him, he might surprise you and respect your wishes. good luck.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 21:22

don't hold your breath though... Sad

pictish · 08/11/2011 21:23

You see, I'm reading between the lines as it were....

"When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now."

OP - did your dh put the kybosh on your social life, or was it self inflicted? In other words...because you gave up going out you expected him too as well? Or is there more to it than that?

"Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night ."

Is there some truth to this...did you call and nag from afar when he was out? Did he stop answering your calls because of this? Is it possible he lies about how long he will be out because he knows he'll get it in the ear if he is truthful?

The thing is...I see nothing so bad in going out once or twice a month to get pished with your mates....whether you have a young family at home or not.

What IS wrong is the kids going without school shoes to facilitate this, and the fact that he lies to you.

I'll be honest, and do try to form an orderly queue to tear me to shreds, but if I was getting where-are-you naggy phone calls from my dh every time I went out, I'd ignore them too....particularly if I felt I had to lie about my timescales just to get out the door.

I could be completely on the wrong track here...but I don't think going out on the ran dan twice a month is being disrespectful, unless he stops you from doing the same - then that really isn't fair.

If it's simpkly a case of you not feeling the need to go out anymore, and expecting him to follow suit then yabu.

Do you ever get out together?

Can you fill us in with more deets OP?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 08/11/2011 21:29

I think Pictish has a very valid point - it is simply not true that becoming a parent means you are never allowed to have fun again and you 'should' turn into a mundane ie you don't live a life you just watch television.

If the OP made a unilateral decision that the good times were over then her H's behaviour is more understandable. It's still inconsiderate if he expects her to take up all the domestic slack and never have a night out herself, though and that;s the main issue.

FabbyChic · 08/11/2011 21:29

Tell him you are going out and come home at 6a.m. He is taking the piss massively. He is not a kid anymore or a young twenty something he is a man with responsibilities he needs to face up to those or ship out. Sorry I'd not stand for that from no man even if we lived together and did not have children.

helpmabob · 08/11/2011 21:32

I agree that it is the lack of consideration and inequality that is the problem. It doesn't sound as if you can sit down and have a conversation about what is reasonable and fair. If you really can't have that conversation, that is the problem iyswim

mrsmplus3 · 08/11/2011 21:33

as you would put it SGVB - FFS shut up about watching tv.

dont be so ignorant. of course that is not all we do. i have a professional job, a house to run, 3 kids to look after and family and friends to see.

i LIVE my life, i dont drink it away mindlessly talking shit to strangers.

im coming off this thread you women arent very pleasant.

pictish · 08/11/2011 21:35

Have I missed something? Where does she say that she is left to take up the domestic slack all the time, or that she isn't treated with equality?

pictish · 08/11/2011 21:39

im coming off this thread you women arent very pleasant

Eh?? Confused

What did we say??

Squitten · 08/11/2011 21:41

His massive disrespect is the problem but you said something very telling OP:

"Have tried ultimatum"

You don't "try" an ultimatum - you follow through. Quite obviously, you are not being serious in your threats and your DH knows that and so feels free to take the piss. If you want him to change his behaviour, you need to get serious.

mrsmplus3 · 08/11/2011 21:45

ok maybe i shouldve just said the other one was bugging me.

anyway, night night. i better get my wee mundane self off to bed for the 10 oclock news!

Dozer · 08/11/2011 22:06

Pictish, your recent post sounds like blaming the OP and includes some standard lines often used by people to justify poor behaviour.

pictish · 08/11/2011 22:21

My apologies, but I'm calling it as I read it.
There is nothing in the OP to suggest he is doing anything other than going out with his pals twice a month and having a late one. I am not entirely sure why the OP has such a problem with this?

Feel free to enlighten me!

pictish · 08/11/2011 22:24

Otheer than him lying about what time expects to be in, which may be as a result of earbending from his wife, and the spending of money they don't have.....both of which I have already said are unacceptable.

Maybe he's just a liar and a shithead...but there's nothing here to suggest this is the case.

The wanting to go out twice a month and not come home at 12 on the dot is, by my standards, fine.

WibblyBibble · 08/11/2011 22:27

It's all very well to wank off about 'mundanes' and people you assume are watching telly rather than having kinky subversive non-consumerist sex in the comfort of their own homes instead of engaging in legally approved conspicuous drug consumption, but actually if someone I knew was going out til all hours twice a month with a baby under a year old, I would be finding it pretty fucking obvious that their partner was doing all the work. The baby is still waking at night, ffs. Her partner clearly isn't doing his fair share or he'd be too knackered for this, as are most people with young babies/toddlers. OP you need to leave him with the kids as often as he leaves you with them and see if he's still up for a partaaaay after a few nights of that. Wanker.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 22:28

OP needs to come back with more details, I agree

I don't understand why anyone would tolerate being lied to though

No-one takes the piss out of me and gets chance after chance to do it

Anyone, at any time, has the right to decide that an arrangement no longer works for them, even if it is a tacit one

Now maybe he has decided he will go out and be the single man any time he feels like it. Fair enough...but he wouldn't be coming back to my bed. No way.

Maybe OP has been the stay at home drudge while he has fun for a while but has now decided she is sick of it. So...it's really up to her how far she wants to push it, tbh.

pictish · 08/11/2011 22:30

"but actually if someone I knew was going out til all hours twice a month with a baby under a year old, I would be finding it pretty fucking obvious that their partner was doing all the work."

Erm...bollocks?

I went out till the wee smalls when my kids were under a year, and I'm the main caregiver. My dh did too - and he pitched in fine. What are you on about?!

pictish · 08/11/2011 22:32

"Anyone, at any time, has the right to decide that an arrangement no longer works for them, even if it is a tacit one"

Absolutely.

ninah · 08/11/2011 22:32

I want a night out with pictish!

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 22:32

where is OP, btw ?

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 22:33

a night out with pictish might kill me