Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am I being a witch or a doormat ?

159 replies

ginger19 · 08/11/2011 19:08

Dh has always liked to party.We have 2 dc one 9 months. A dreadful pattern has become part of life in my home.DH says he is going out for dinner with a friend , then rolls in at 3 30 , 4 ..Last night 5.15. When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now.

Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night . Last night , said he was going for dinner . I started calling him at about 2.30. No answer. By 4.30 when I called again a strange bloke ( friend of his apparently) picks up his phone and says ..My god. This guy is really drunk .I have never seen him like this .I will try and put him in a cab. I could hear DH in backgroud saying he didnt want to talk to me.He came home 5.15 staggering.

I have let him know in every way I can how disrespectful and hurtful i find this.I would say this is a regular event like 2 x per month some times more.However not usually 5.00
I have friends who tell me that their DH is out all the time but they are fine with it. I cant tell if I am overreacting. What I do know is how hard I find it to wake up when baby cries and realize he has not come home. I dont think it is an affair...But it feels so selfish to me.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/11/2011 17:43

DH and I are revving ourselves up for our once a year bender.

It involves posh hotel miles away, great gig and our two most hedonistic mates.

Once a year is all we can take. We are officially old.

Charbon · 09/11/2011 17:51

I'm amazed at the tone of this thread. The OP has got a baby of 9 months and another child and her partner lies to her, gets drunk, stays out till 5a.m, frightens her when he is drunk, drink-drives.......and some posters are implying that she is the problem.

Ginger, the only problem you've got is that you're partnered with a selfish, drunken liar. You really don't have to accept this as your lot, or feel that you need to become a party animal if you've outgrown it. That's not to say you shouldn't try to make more friends and get out on your own with them, because you should, but it is not mandatory to be drunk and incapable in order to have a good time.

gameoldbird · 09/11/2011 17:53

ginger19, my DH was the same when the DC were little Sad and I have not yet really forgiven him. It is only looking back that I realise how unfair it was - I couldn't just go out when I fancied it because, oh look, we have children. He eventually stopped when I called him on it and when he said others did it I asked him to name a single one who was married and had young DC who didn't excuse themselves by about midnight saying they had to be home. You do not HAVE to go on to a nightclub just because you are entertaining clients (or seeing friends, or whatever). He is a married man with responsibility.

He did the same not answering the phone thing. When challenged, he said that his father was often out for work (he was a salesman in the 70's) and they didn't have mobile phones and his mother was fine. That's when I pointed out that I bet my bottom dollar his father was not out at clubs until 4am and he would be shocked that DH was behaving that way.

It really is not at all fair on you. It does not show any sense of love or commitment to regularly behave like this. Sorry.

I wished I had been frank years earlier before I was so resentful that it has never quite gone away.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 17:58

charbon not everyone has tried to tell her she is wrong

I, for one, wouldn't even be questioning myself on this

The selfish fuck shapes up or ships out, as far as I am concerned

Someone else's dodgy life choices shouldn't make your partner's lives a misery, IMO

Charbon · 09/11/2011 18:02

No and thank God for you and a few others. I just couldn't believe what I was reading!

pictish · 09/11/2011 18:04

I agree with Anyfucker that if the OP is unhappy then it is her jurisdiction to not put up with it.

However, on the face of it, going out late twice month with your mates is not a crime. The guy is entitled to a social life, and as he is not a child, can stay out till 5am if he wants!

What is this bollocks that says if you have kids, you have to be home for 12?! Since when??

The problem to me is the lies.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 18:05

charbon are you also known under a very similarly-spelled name ?

Charbon · 09/11/2011 18:10

No, AnyFucker.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 18:13

ok, no worries

cyprusmomma · 09/11/2011 18:17

My OH regularly gets wasted after work, can return home anytime between 4am and 9am. Has always been like this. Foolishly thought having a baby would make him grow up. It didn't. Am slowly getting used to a life of misery and feel trapped now I have a baby with him. He's been arrested for DUI 4 times.It's a struggle cuz I'm very far away from my family. Have tried arguing, screming, crying, threats, silent treatment. Nothing works. I feel like I have a 25 year old baby and a 4 month old.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 18:23

CM, I would leave him.

Seriously

DUI ?

Deal breaker.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 18:23

Go back to your family

pictish · 09/11/2011 18:37

I agree. He's a dead loss CM.

pictish · 09/11/2011 18:42

And please...can someone answer me as to why, when you have kids, you have to 'excuse yourself' and be home for 12? Confused
I'm just getting into my stride at 12...and no, I'm not being flippant...

I mean, if anyone WANTS to make it an early one that's great...but what's the big deal if you stay out?

My dh is there to look after the kids in the morning, and if he goes out, I am there to do the same. So the kids are nothing to do with it.

Genuine ask?

pictish · 09/11/2011 18:46

If I posted on here that I wanted to go out on a late one with my friends, but my dh insisted I had to be home for midnight....you'd all tell me he was being controlling! Which would be true!

It's no different here, just because the OP is a woman.

Frankly, what with the lies and the reckless behaviour, I am guessing the OP's dh is a liability....BUT one or two of you seem to be focusing on this 'staying out all night is ridiculous' angle.
Why? Why is it immature and irresponsible to want to stay out?
What actual harm does it do?

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 18:59

Pictish, since you keep asking Smile

Personally, I don't think you should have to be home by 12 (or whatever)

But every other weekend ?

So that person goes out eg. Friday night. Gets shitfaced. No sleep. Has to catch up/let liver recover/experience comedown all day Saturday

Kids have to make do without that parent for the larger part of a whole weekend (who they may not have seen much of all week due to school/work etc)

I call that a selfish person where young kids are concerned, to do that except for special occasions. Every other weekend is not a "special occasion"

This is said without even knowing if OP is afforded the same priviliges, as she hasn't actually said. I get the impression she doesn't particularly want them.

I get the impression she doesn't particularly want a partner either who effectively ignores the presence of his kids to get shit faced with randoms and cancelling his weekend to recover from it.

I wouln't either

That is what is bugging me, and the lying/piss-taking/disrespect of course.

PeppermintPasty · 09/11/2011 19:01

Pictish who has actually said this? Sorry if I missed it, not been on for a couple of hours.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:02

and that is just the kids

I presume OP is doing all the shitwork around the house too, while LoverBoy lies in bed itching, shivering and spewing

nice

pictish · 09/11/2011 19:13

So...is it ok for ME to have all nighters, as a SAHM, because I don't work, and my kids see me all the time?
But it's not ok for my dh because he works?

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:17

Pictish, you are a married lady with children

You should be knitting, wearing booty slippers and watching Emmerdale on a Friday night

And don't you forget it

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:18

not seeing the kids all week is just part of it, Pic

I didn't say that was the only thing I can't agree with

pictish · 09/11/2011 19:18

apparently so

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:20

look, Pic

you are happy with your situation

your DH is happy with your situation

presumably your kids are happy with the situation

you don't need to keep trying to pin posters down who wouldn't be happy with this Op's situation to justify your own choices

it's simply a matter of opinion, honestly, and this thread actually isn't about you Wink

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:22

they are doing some lovely and cosy booty slippers in Debenhams this year, btw

pictish · 09/11/2011 19:25

My point is, that everything else being equal and normal...adults are allowed to go out with their mates twice a month, for as late as they like, without being held to account for it!

If the OP's dh is a prick, then he's a prick....but staying out till 5am, twice a month, does not automatically make him one! That is all.