am I being a witch or a doormat ?

[ginger19]

Dh has always liked to party.We have 2 dc one 9 months. A dreadful pattern has become part of life in my home.DH says he is going out for dinner with a friend , then rolls in at 3 30 , 4 ..Last night 5.15. When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now.

Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night . Last night , said he was going for dinner . I started calling him at about 2.30. No answer. By 4.30 when I called again a strange bloke ( friend of his apparently) picks up his phone and says ..My god. This guy is really drunk .I have never seen him like this .I will try and put him in a cab. I could hear DH in backgroud saying he didnt want to talk to me.He came home 5.15 staggering.

I have let him know in every way I can how disrespectful and hurtful i find this.I would say this is a regular event like 2 x per month some times more.However not usually 5.00
I have friends who tell me that their DH is out all the time but they are fine with it. I cant tell if I am overreacting. What I do know is how hard I find it to wake up when baby cries and realize he has not come home. I dont think it is an affair...But it feels so selfish to me.

Ah OP, I do feel for you.

I don't think anyone can appreciate the fear of have a dangerous drunk as a partner unless they have been through it.

ExP was like this, and I was constantly concerned that he had got run over, got in a fight, been beaten up as so obviously drunk and vunerable (depending on which part of the evening it was), been mugged, been arrested. If you are an anxious person the list goes on and on. This is a totally different situation to a "normal" person going out and having too many beers.

He should listen to your concerns, and if he cared act accordingly. He knows you worry so why not say he won't be home but will send a goodnight text for example? Or promise to answer his phone? Rather than leave you at home gettting more and more angry and fed up.

I don't think your DH will change, I think you really need to decide if you can cope with this, I am sure this lack of respect for your feelings is reflected throughout your relationship, and you deserve better. You are certainly not a nag or a killjoy.

After reading your last post, I apologise if anything I said came across as being harsh.

Does his business revolve around socialising in bars?

Could you not sit him down calmly and have a serious conversation about all this, or do you think it has gone too far.

What about coucilling?

He is being an arse, no doubt about that but maybe you've got yourselves in a bit of a negative pattern. You (quite rightly complain) but because you do, it just makes him do it more.

I really feel for you OP.

I kicked my ex out due to him becoming a very very different person in drink which happened on average 4/5 days out of 7. He was a floor layer and finished work at 2 every day. Unlike your partner he was never late but would stagger home by 6 pissed out of his mind and pretend he had "only had a couple" yeah right! Only told you this to show that I understand what having an irresponsible drinker around is like.

Good Luck in whatever you choose to do.

OP my husband was a bit like that too. i mentioned earlier about what he used to do and how it made me feel but i didnt tell you how we sorted it.

the last time he did something like that was in the summer there and he went out for "a couple of drinks" for 2 nights in a row (the fri and the sat), spent 100 odd pounds of our money and came STAGGERING in about half past 3 each night and then proceeded to be wracked with anxiety and depression during yet another hungover sunday.

so, basically, on the sunday afternoon, i told him that i had enough on my plate with the kids, work and the house and i had no time to look after him too, that he was a liability, a noose around my neck and that he was to go and stay with his mum that night where he could do whatever he wants and she can look after him, that i needed a partner, not a badly behaved teenager.

reluctantly, he went, with an over nightbag. once the hangover had subsided and he woke up the next day, he was ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED infront of his parents and begged to come home by the tuesday.

we sorted it out and it hasnt happened since. im not saying i have all the answers but that is what worked for us. you can only take each day as it comes, but be clear on what you'll accept and what you'll not. in actual fact, see on the monday out of that whole ugly weekend, that was the most relaxed id been. because i had taken control of the situation and i felt proud of myself and set my boundaries. thank god he loved me and the kids enough to sort himself out and come back.

and please, no more attacks from the "mundane" haters.

it is not helpful and my posts have nothing to do with you anyway.
you dont need to defend yourself, i couldnt care less what others do, its the OP im talking to seen as she started this thread.

good luck OP, let us know the outcome.

OP, how sad :-( Yes, the not being invited is what used to bug me a bit too. If DH was going out with mutual friends, why didn't he pick up the phone and say "hey, why not get a sitter, and come out too." If I suggested going he would say it was not worth it as it would only be one drink and it was up in town. Then he would be out until 3am. One night, my littlest was really really ill and I wanted to take her to A and E but didn't want to have to wake up my 5 yo and drag her along too, so was waiting for DH to come home form his "one pint". I waited until midnight, then 1am, then 2am, then phoned (no pick up), then 3am then when he came in at 4am I went ballistic but actually by then was more concerned with getting medical attention for the little one who did indeed turn out to be seriously ill. THAT is why it is important to know that your DP will answer the phone if you ring it.

So it's as many of us suspected Ginger. He doesn't 'help' with the housework and will look after his children only when asked. I'm also not surprised his business faced bankruptcy if he doesn't start work till 11.30 and his head is muzzy from extreme alcohol use the night before.

The problem with this behaviour is that it's just the tip of the iceberg and it serves to demonstrate that he has no respect for you. I'm guessing you've tried sorting it out as adults and you've told him how you feel about the unfairness of the situation, but he still does it anyway?

Could you manage on your own if you separated?

God how did I miss what you said about housework and children, and then post that question straight after . Sorry!

This thread got a bit sidetracked I think-what the hell is this man doing? He appears to be utterly selfish and self absorbed, is making you miserable and his lifestyle is helping to knacker you out.

I'm not sure I've seen anyone come on here and wail about someone having a night out here and there. Surely no one cares about that.

What's his reaction, OP, when/if you sit down with him amd tell it like it is? (If I haven't missed you explaining that part as well....)

and not amd

Thanks for providing further deets OP.

So he is a lazy, selfish sod that pleases himself in all areas then? I'm very sorry you are putting up with that. The nights out are just the cherry on the icing on the top of the bastard sponge cake eh?

You do not have to settle for any of it, and I hope you don't.