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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am I being a witch or a doormat ?

159 replies

ginger19 · 08/11/2011 19:08

Dh has always liked to party.We have 2 dc one 9 months. A dreadful pattern has become part of life in my home.DH says he is going out for dinner with a friend , then rolls in at 3 30 , 4 ..Last night 5.15. When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now.

Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night . Last night , said he was going for dinner . I started calling him at about 2.30. No answer. By 4.30 when I called again a strange bloke ( friend of his apparently) picks up his phone and says ..My god. This guy is really drunk .I have never seen him like this .I will try and put him in a cab. I could hear DH in backgroud saying he didnt want to talk to me.He came home 5.15 staggering.

I have let him know in every way I can how disrespectful and hurtful i find this.I would say this is a regular event like 2 x per month some times more.However not usually 5.00
I have friends who tell me that their DH is out all the time but they are fine with it. I cant tell if I am overreacting. What I do know is how hard I find it to wake up when baby cries and realize he has not come home. I dont think it is an affair...But it feels so selfish to me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:25

Pic, start a thread about it

you will find that if both partners are equally happy, and the kids are taken care of, there is no problem at all with pulling the odd all nighter

believe it or not, I slip out of my booty slippers, put on my dancin' shoes and come home with the milkman (not literally) sometimes too

pictish · 09/11/2011 19:27

I know it isn't - my apologies OP - I have a bee in my bonnet. x

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:29

but he is a prick, a prick acting like a prick is still a prick

putting forward a non-prick scenario is for another thread really

do it...you will be pleasantly surprised, MN is not full of kill joy stick-in-the-muds

only ones who want to kill the joy of pricks, that is

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 19:31

no need to apologise, I see what you are saying x

I like your straight talking. I do it too.

mummytime · 09/11/2011 19:43

Okay, in my relationship this wouldn't happen. If DH was going to be out much beyond 1 am, he would get a hotel room or sleep at a friends. He would not be so disrespectful to disturb the sleep of a mother with young children, by staying out extra late and then rolling up drunk.
Similarly if I was going to be out super late I would get a room instead. We also give each other an idea of when we are coming home, and phone each other if delayed.
This is just respect, and making sure the other person doesn't worry.
I can't imagine my DH ever not taking my calls, but then I rarely phone him, unless he stays out extra late or something happens.
DH also wouldn't tell me he was going to dinner and then roll up at 5 am. He would tell me he was going to have a session or whatever.

I can understand if you feel a bit jealous, and I would suggest you take what opportunities to socialise which come along. But with a 9 month old I would be amazed if you have the energy for all night sessions, but good on you if you can do it.

pictish · 09/11/2011 19:49

Cheers AF - and ditto.

OP - only you can decide if what he is doing is acceptable to you. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are...every one of us has the right to decide what is tolerable within a relationship.

You cannot make him change...all you can do is decide what you will and will not put up with, and stick to it. If you really cannot bear to have him stagger in at 5am after lying* about how long he will be out, then you'll have to cut your losses. Fwiw - I think you sound like a play-safe, and he sounds like....err...he isn't. It may be that you are just not going to be compatible in the long term.

End of sermon. Good luck to you xxx

*I couldn't ever tolerate a liar.

hevak · 09/11/2011 20:14

ginger* your thread has brought lots of people out with different opinions, hasn't it?! I guess it summarises your problem (in some ways) with your DH - a difference of opinion.

FWIW, I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent of a small child wanting to have an all-nighter. BUT BUT BUT obviously not every night (which thankfully no one seems to have implied would be okay ) and I think it has to be organised in a respectful way. Such as telling (or asking!) your other half what night you're (planning on) going out, what time you think you might be home, NOT driving (am with anyone who drink drives, that's just asking for trouble on so many levels) and letting your partner know who you'll be out with and where you're going.

It seems that Pictish and the other posters who do have all-nighters go through these steps with their partners - so their partners know where they are, who they are with, what time they'll be home - then they don't have to worry. (Sorry for picking on you Pictish, can't remember who else said they do all-nighters!) That is because they are in loving, respectful relationships.

That's just my opinion, feel free to ignore it! Perhaps that's what you need to say to your husband? It's not the late nights as such that are the issue, more the way that they happen and the effects the day after (as AF has explained so well - really cutting in to family time).

I'm not going to suggest you get a hobby, but I was going to suggest a spa weekend (or day, at least!) - perhaps with a friend/sister/mum/cousin? It's lovely on your own too. Then you get some time off and your DH can see what is involved with looking after two small children on your own! I guess he doesn't do much with the kids on his own for long periods? I get the impression you'd be more keen on "day time" type activities without the kids, rather than the "night time" party/drinking stuff. I'm really making assumptions about that though!

I'll stop rambling now as this has turned out waaay longer than I intended! :)

SolidGoldVampireBat · 09/11/2011 22:12

But the OP has not said, at any point, whether the H pulls his weight with housework and childcare the rest of the time, or not. And this is actually a key factor in assessing whether he is a selfish manchild or whether she is a torn-faced fun-extractor.

It's also worth mentioning, for the benefits of the wusses, lightweights and mundanes, that those of us who are natural-born party animals are actually quite capable of ripping it up till 5am and trotting round the zoo/funfair with the DC from about 10am the next morning. And the OP hasn't actually stated that her H's late nights mean he doesn't function the next day, either.

This is what irritated me (and, I think, Pictish) - the amount of shrieking and pant-shitting about the fact that this man likes to go out in the evening when we don't have any information about his behaviour the rest of the time, or whether the OP is the sort who rings up whining and stressing every 5 minutes even if he's only gone for a half after work.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 22:25

In the abscence of any information to the contrary (which tbh is irritating me ever so slightly too) I prefer to believe the OP is not a whiny-arse, stressy shrieking, pant shitter

but that's just me

fuzzynavel · 09/11/2011 22:51

I'm a bit of a party animal too (ex didnt know when to stop).

I mitigate this, as on the ocassion that I have had a late one never once have I or will I let my son down, if I say we were going iceskating next day, that's exactly what we do etc. Maybe that's not what the man does in this case.

mummytime · 09/11/2011 22:54

I have to say that if my DH rolled in at 5 am, that would have ruined my nights sleep; especially if I didn't know what time he was coming home and he wouldn't answer the phone. That would wreck the next day for everyone, regardless of whether he could continue with the kids on too little sleep.

fuzzynavel · 09/11/2011 22:55

Bugger - laptop bombed out!

Maybe he lols (as in being lazy of course) around expecting the OP to make up for his follies.

Not bloody on mate.

fuzzynavel · 09/11/2011 23:00

Have to say that when my partner goes out I don't even ask when he's coming home, that's entirely up to him. I don't call him either, what for? I'm not his keeper and neither is he mine. A night out means a night out. I sure as hell wouldn't want him calling me asking me when I'd be back as the answer would be... when I'm ready.

But then again this is a balanced relationship built on trust.

I, like pictish, am a party animal, was one when we met and will be for as long as I choose.

jasper · 09/11/2011 23:07

SGB your last post is genius

Charbon · 09/11/2011 23:15

No it's not. It's sneering and it's taking the piss out of the OP.

Who has said that he scares her when drunk, drink-drives and lies to her.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2011 23:29

charbon...not many people on this thread are actually listening to the OP are they ?

that's kinda sad from a group of women, tbh

toptramp · 09/11/2011 23:46

OP- I agree with those who say go out yourself and leave him with the kids. Get some power back girl! If you don't like clubbing go to the cinema, theatre,spa, book club, restaraunt with friends etc. It will do you some good.
But I would be upset too in your situation. The least he could do is contact you half way through the night to let you know how he is. I didn't like the sound of him staggering home either; sounds like a piss head to me.
You are feeling insecure because he is making you feel that way due to his selfish non-contacting ways.

susiedaisy · 09/11/2011 23:50

Whiney- arse stressy shrieking pant shitter made me lol!

toptramp · 09/11/2011 23:53

I am a party animal myself and I love all nighters. The only thing that stops me is baby sitters. I am currently single but when I am in a relationship and love someone I will normally phone them at some point in the evening to drunkenly slur about how much I love them. But then I am a big soppy idiot! I hope to meet a decent man so that I have a babysitter on tap so I can go out more.
I think the op is right to upset because he is making her feel insecure. No doubt op you would be cool with his shennagins if he contacted you more. Some people in relationships need reassurance. I do when I'm in love. Mabe it's a bit needy but hey ho- were only human.

susiedaisy · 09/11/2011 23:56

Have we heard from op lately?

toptramp · 09/11/2011 23:58

Spending too much cash on booze is a worry too; if you are loosing out elsewhere in terms of family stuff. I just remember Angela's Ashes and Frank McCourt's dad. I assume your not living in grinding poverty due to his drinking op?

fuzzynavel · 10/11/2011 00:04

I'm listening because my ex was the same but thread went off on a bit of a judgy tangent there.

The OP met the man whilst doing the same.

She thought he would change once he had kids, he hasn't and is showing his true colours.

She used to like a few and may (or may not) again once the children are older. He is an alcoholic.

Original poster

ginger19 · 10/11/2011 09:45

I do not call him till like about 2 or 3 when I wake up w baby and see he is not home. I accept that I could just not call him , leave him to it and be the cool wife at home. I just dont feel able to do that.In my eyes he is a liability and obviously rightly or wrongly do not trust him entirely.He is a loose cannon, I go into panic and feel shitty.

I feel really depressed about the state of our relationship. It lacks very basic communication. We sneer at each other and are distant.He works a lot and has gone through massive changes at work...company nearly went bankrupt...I wish he could see how low my confidence is.Perhaps by showing more interest and sensitivity towards me ? Inviting me out with him a bit more.

He does not help with house work but will watch over children when asked.He works for himself and his benders are not weekend based. Nearly always week time, He hangs out with a dodgy soho crowd whom I cant connect with. I am jealous and it feels rubbish. He is able to get out of bed and make it to work for 11.30 ish on a hangover.

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 10/11/2011 09:54

What does he do when he at home? His fair share or bugger all?

susiedaisy · 10/11/2011 10:36

oh op your last post makes me feel so sad for you, i can relate to so much of it when i was with exh, he sounds hell bent on doing his own thing as if hes entitled to do it, and you have no sway over his behaviour at all, getting up at 11.30am with a hangover mid week is immature selfish and pathetic IMO, the thing is when the respect starts to diminish the whole relationship can come tumbling down like a stack of cards, not sure what you can do other than stand your ground and give him an ultimatum, going out yourself and doing the same to him as he does to you, as other people have suggested wont do anything IMO other than have two knackered hungover people in a marriage trying to out do the other!

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