am I being a witch or a doormat ?

[ginger19]

Dh has always liked to party.We have 2 dc one 9 months. A dreadful pattern has become part of life in my home.DH says he is going out for dinner with a friend , then rolls in at 3 30 , 4 ..Last night 5.15. When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now.

Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night . Last night , said he was going for dinner . I started calling him at about 2.30. No answer. By 4.30 when I called again a strange bloke ( friend of his apparently) picks up his phone and says ..My god. This guy is really drunk .I have never seen him like this .I will try and put him in a cab. I could hear DH in backgroud saying he didnt want to talk to me.He came home 5.15 staggering.

I have let him know in every way I can how disrespectful and hurtful i find this.I would say this is a regular event like 2 x per month some times more.However not usually 5.00
I have friends who tell me that their DH is out all the time but they are fine with it. I cant tell if I am overreacting. What I do know is how hard I find it to wake up when baby cries and realize he has not come home. I dont think it is an affair...But it feels so selfish to me.

Bin him OP.

It is out of order when one half of a relationship is very unhappy.

OP- have skim read the responses here but just wanted to say that I had the exactly the same issue with my DP- he's 41. We have one young child together (18 months).

You are not being remotely unreasonable but I also wondered if I was when debating this issue in my head. Some of my friends couldn't see the big deal with it. Maybe it is a bigger deal to some than others but I think it's horribly disresepctful to you when you are sitting there in the middle of the night calling him over and over again.

I hated waking up in the early hours, at least once/twice a week, and finding him not there and worrying about when he was coming back. It started to make me feel sick with dread when it happened.

I had had several chats and asked, cajoled etc etc. my DP into not doing it. Eventually enough was enough and I knew that it had become a deal breaker, I didn't want to live with this being the way I felt every weekend. So, I really gave him an ultimatum (and meant it): if he wanted to carry on, he had to move out. I really was expecting to follow through with this plan- but he stopped. I think until I'd made my intentions crystal clear he hadn't been taking me seriously.

It has not happened since- he still goes out after work and with his friends and comes home anytime from 10ish to at 12/1, which I think is fair enough- and he calls me if it gets later than midnight and lets me know roughly when he's coming back (I don't ask him to do it, he just does).

You can't change his actions- you can only change your actions (and response) to this.

Very best of luck with it.

Woodland parties?-are you all a bunch of hippes then?god I couldnt imagine anything worse-but then I am high maintenence and dont do camping Much prefer nice bars and champagne cocktails.

Am far from past it-younger than you remember? But I think there is a time in your life for all night partying and that time is pre-dcs. Imo.

Her dh is a complete twunt. Sorry op but I would kick him out until he comes to his senses.

more doormat than witch, but not that much of a doormat as you're obviously questioning things

I would not tolerate a partner who came home so late and so drunk that often. Once a in a blue moon (his birthday or similar frequency) would be ok, but every two weeks, no way.

Hi OP,
I've just read your post and where do i begin? Firstly, i really, really feel for you.
It's an awful position to be in when you have small children to get up with during the night, especially as its happening so regularly!
I used to experience this about once a month but thankfully, no more. I just couldn't put up with it anymore. It is so selfish and immature but worse than that - behaviour like that made me insecure, mistrustful, anxious at 1, 2, 3 in the morning. It made me sick to my stomach wondering what the hell he was up to at 3am as a married man in his 30s with 3 kids. And then when he decided to roll in the door i had to look after the kids all the next day cause he was so hungover, another awful sunday for the family. This really affected our family life and our relationship as i would experience panic, which was the final straw for me.
Why do some men think it's ok to continue to party as they did as a teen or a young man when they are married with kids and meanwhile the wife stays at home? Fair enough if both parents are getting out and about with friends etc although i don't see how condusive to family life regular hangovers?
And he's going out for dinner? Oh lucky him! Wouldnt you like to be going out for dinner with your husband?
Me and my husband liked a good party when we met and we socialised most weekends.
We still love to have a good time (drinking, dancing) but its once in a blue moon now (birthdays, summer bbqs, weddings, christmas) as we have grown out of it and are happier having a take away with the kids and some friends at our home. But even at that its probably just once a month, its possible to have a good time just chilling with your kids you know - you should tell your husband that. Since we've tamed our ways we play guess who on a saturday night, watch a good movie with sweets etc and they just make us laugh. But you need to be around and really present to experience that. You miss it when youre drunk and hungover too often.
Im going on a bit now but it just angers me for you.
On another note, could he have a drink problem? My husband thought it was getting to him a bit, thats another reason he stopped that behaviour, even he was getting sick of losing phones, being chucked out of pubs etc.

And who cares if your friends are cool with their husbands doing it. Good for them. But your'e not so don't pretend. You're not being unreasonable. He's had his fun, time to grow up and really enjoy the best of life and family life.

OP, why on earth are you still married to a man like this ?

How can you have any respect left for him at all ?

I get the going out and letting your hair down thing. But he sounds like he is 1) up to no good with women 2) taking more than just drink 3) drinking enough to kill him in one binge 4) taking un necessary risks and ending up doing stuff with randoms 5) spending shedloads of family money on utterly selfish and immature behaviour

you haven't posted about him before have ? About him being mugged (repeatedly) whilst under the influence ?

I could not respect a so-called family man who acted like this and wasn't even upfront about it, instead lying to his long-suffering wife like some sort of pathetic teenager.

Oh FFS will the mundanes shut up about how proud they are of their boring little telly-watching lives? I am in my late 40s and have a good allnighter once a month or so and will hopefully be doing so when I'm a pensioner. Wanting to go out and party all night is not actually the issue. The problem is that the OP's H considers that he is the only member of the family entitled to leisuretime, and that the OP is a combination of mother and servant.

What I would suggest, Ginger, is that you tell him that on his agreed nights out, he can stay out till the morning if he wants but you get an equal number of nights out each month, and you will stay out as late as you fancy staying out (stay at a mate's if need be, even if you and she just sit and chat for a bit and are tucked up with cocoa by midnight, it's a kid-free, chore-free night for you.)

happy to be "mundane" in this situation

there is having a good time and acting like an absolute twat to your wife, and risk-taking behaviour

both of those things are waaaaaaay out of line for a man with a family no matter what you "hedonists" say about it

what is the opposite of a "mundane" btw ?

I watch about half an hour of telly every other night, btw

sgvb-I will take being called a "mundane" as a compliment from you if by that you mean I as I see fit for my situation-a mid thirties,married,mum of 2 dscs. Besides being "mundane" means I dont have to worry about shagging about with randoms

Apologies-I meant act as I see fit. Vino being consumed-on a tuesday night

See my post above anyfucker

pink ?

wine on a tuesday night ???

you deserve to burn in all the fires of damnation for that

< faints >

SGVB, if I remember rightly, you are single, not one half of a partnership and in a relationship with someone. That gives you the freedom to do whatever you like. Apologies if I am wrong there.

The OP might not want to go out, it doesnt mean he has the right to treat her like shit though.

I would love to know what sort of allnighters happen on a Monday night though.. they certainly dont happen in my world and never have.

Actually sqeauky* I think sgvb is in a relationship-with many people... Which she is perfectly entitled to be. However I dont think her monogamy is shite attitude and anyone who disagrees is a "mundane" attitude is that helpful on this particular thread.

I myself am a bit like pictish and SGB as am a natural night owl and so are some of my friends. But I always (used to) either stay out by arrangement or text if it was spontaneous. And wouldn't have done so while the kids were little.

This was so OH could adjust his plans or so that he wasn't worrying.

solid gold - i do not have a boring little telly watching life. i have a brill relationship with my kids and now my husband and i am so proud of that and i enjoy it! so shoot me!
each to their own.
your post did make me laugh though, your term of phrase etc and i know what you're trying to say, but it's just not true. sorry.

Are we a bunch of hippies? Yes...that is precisely what we are! Amen to that!
And the time for all night partying....is whenever I bloody feel like it - which is a about once a month. Hurrah!

OP - if this behaviour is really making you feel marginalised, then you have to spell that out to him.

to be fair to sgb, I have had the "mundane" conversation with her before

her definition of mundane is not quite what you think, pink

she doesn't mean monogamy per se, she means any person who cannot countenance any different lifestyle than their own and who insist on trying to tell those that do are wrong and must change

she also told me that I am not one (that was a proud day in the AF household )

I still think she is guilty of being just as blinkered as the people she so obviously despises though, and frequently tell her so

am I right, sgb ?

I still don't know what the opposite of a mundane is though

I think fair enough if you/partner have come to an agreement where you both want to go out sometimes and it be an all nighter. Nothing wrong with that.

But this sounds pretty regular and the OP describes this as a dreadful situation that is disrespectful and hurtful. She is not saying 'I wish I could do that sometimes'. His behaviour is making her feel rubbish- and that in itself is not on IMO.

Wasting needed family funds on the pub is NOT ON...no matter what!

pictish, can you help in that regard ?

I meant in the opposite of a mundane, not pissing family money up the wall