am I being a witch or a doormat ?

[ginger19]

Dh has always liked to party.We have 2 dc one 9 months. A dreadful pattern has become part of life in my home.DH says he is going out for dinner with a friend , then rolls in at 3 30 , 4 ..Last night 5.15. When I became pregnant the 1st time 5 years ago I am the first to admit that I begun to have issues re dh going out. Insecurities. Felt sidelined .I used to have very active social life..Not so much now.

Eventually we got into this pattern where he says that he didnt answer my late night call because he knew I would be nasty to him. I HATE being the nagging insecure wife at home calling her husband in the middle of the night . Last night , said he was going for dinner . I started calling him at about 2.30. No answer. By 4.30 when I called again a strange bloke ( friend of his apparently) picks up his phone and says ..My god. This guy is really drunk .I have never seen him like this .I will try and put him in a cab. I could hear DH in backgroud saying he didnt want to talk to me.He came home 5.15 staggering.

I have let him know in every way I can how disrespectful and hurtful i find this.I would say this is a regular event like 2 x per month some times more.However not usually 5.00
I have friends who tell me that their DH is out all the time but they are fine with it. I cant tell if I am overreacting. What I do know is how hard I find it to wake up when baby cries and realize he has not come home. I dont think it is an affair...But it feels so selfish to me.

Lol!

yeah, but what a way to go... (takes pensive sip of ovaltine)

< adjusts scatter cushions and puts kekkle on >

"I dont mind him going out, but say "I will be home late". If I am being honest I find a 43 year old stumbling home at 3.am annoying. He makes me feel like a police man. I have tried threats silence, begging him to understand that with bb and family this is no way to go on."

This reads as though the OP has decided that nights out are off the menu now....for both of them, and is pissed off and hurt that her dh doesn't agree.

I'll just listen to the headlines before I turn in ...

< puts cereal in bowls for the morning >

you know what af that's awesome, I may borrow that handy hint
(bit scared of what might come in night and eat it)

Ninah, AF

I honestly knew someone that did that

She put cereal in the bowls before bed, ready for the morning

I asked "doesn't it go stale or soft?"

she said "yes, but it saves me time"

what.the.fuck

How much time could possibly be saved by putting creal out the night before? 45 seconds?
Barmy!

this lady was barmily lovely in lots of other ways too

I think OP should have a night out with Pictish and I would like to come too

Sorry I disappeared. Went on a crazzzzy night out. Not. Seriously. Was arguing w dh. He says that didnt answer phone because I always call and he didnt want to answer. I have changed a lot since we got together. I used to roll with a very druggie crowd. After having DC, obviously i moved on, but have not created a network of girls I can go out with. I have just stayed at home, probably too much. Pictish does have a point.If i had a life i might not mind it so much.However, as it is I cant stand him going out for dinner and coming in at 5 it is not acceptable and I will not live like this.

Hiya again OP.

I think expecting honesty from your dh regarding his intentions when he goes out, is totally fair enough. He shouldn't lie to you and make out he's going to do X, when it is patently obvious he means to do Y.
This means that when you expect him at 11ish, you are left worrying until he does appear whenever.....and that is not fair. He needs to either say what his actual plans are before he leaves, or at the very very least, give you a bell and let you know that he's ok when he does opt to stay out. That's NOT you being nag...that's simply asking for some respect, which you should have in the bag anyway.

In reading between the lines and taking as I find, I think YOU need to stop deciding how much he should want to go out, for him. He's a person in his own right, with his own interests and needs to be fulfilled....and it isn't your place to choose them. You are his wife, not his life coach ok? I do not see that going out late twice a month is anything you need to put the kybosh on....it's not that big a deal, and it's not in your jurisdiction. I'm wondering why he feels compelled to lie to you at all...he shouldn't have to, because he's not asking much.

I think it would be really really good for you to get out there yourself and celebrate the you that isn't mummy, again.
Has it got to the stage where you are lacking mates to go out with? That makes it difficult of course, and will make you focus on your dh's comings and goings more. If all your focus is on your family unit and role as a mother, and you rarely socialise as an individual (or as a couple), I can see how you could become resentful of your dh's actions....but try to see that your choices are not of his doing, and that he really doesn't have to follow suit.

I think this situation can be easily remedied with some effective communication (no more lies), and a bit of motivation to go out now and then yourself.

If I am wrong, I am sorry...but I can only advise as I find. xx

I just told him to go stay in the office. I am so hurt. It is true that even if I did want to go out i dont even have the friends to come with me any more. PLEASE dont tell me to start a hobby...I could handle late night or two.If i AM HONEST i would find it hard . I obviously have trust issues which are grinding him down- hence not taking my calls, passing me on to strangers . It is the saying one thing and doing another that bothers me. How is that acceptable? If I allow this to just happen, it will just continue to happen.

Has he done anything in the past to earn mistrust? Has he cheated on you, for example?

No, but the way he behaves when drunk scares me . I feel like I wouldnt put much past him. He takes risks, crashed his bike drunk , BIG show off...I dont think he has cheated on me,but right or wrong ( finding it hard to establish ) my nerves cant stand the 5 am home time and not answering phone.

Ginger remember this

Whatever the rights/wrongs of this situation, you do not have to live like this

Just like he doesn't have to do what you "tell" him, if you decide this is not the lifestyle you want, then change your lifestyle

Depending on how strongly you feel about it, that life may not have him in it as a partner

and there is nothing wrong with that

Your DH is being selfish and very inconsiderate. Coming home maybe by 1am is acceptable one every couple of months after an office night out...maybe. but not as ofen as you say , and certainly not as late. Why should you be the one to be looking after the kids etc, and have no fun. Plus with young children you sleep is lacking.
I had an EX like this , and as i say, he is now my EX.
Dont put up with it, tell him, he either curbs the going out, the drunkeness and the late returns or the consequences will be huge....
He needs to put himself in your shoes,, imagine you doing that and him at home with the kids wondering where the hell you are , and what time you are back and in what state. It would be good for him for you to go out, and really 'milk' it and be very late back... then see how he feels!!

I understand pictish and everyone else on this.

AF has put it in a nutshell

This happened with my sons dad. He still wanted the party lifestyle once DS was born and I didnt.

He also used to lie (this was the straw that broke the camels back)

Our outcome is we never managed to compromise and are no longer together.

He is staying at office at my request tonight..

I still think Pictish has a point and at least part of the problem is what appears to be the OP's decision to martyr herself and expect her husband to give up socialising altogether, as well. The H is going out twice a month, not even once a week. Most people need at least that much chore-free, child-free time to be happy. OP do you seriously expect to spend the next 15 years sitting at home, night after night?

If you genuinely do think that a parent's life involves domesticity and No Fun Ever and you actually quite like the idea, fair enough, but your marriage isn;t going to last because you and your H have different ideas of what life ought to be. If on the other hand you would actually like a social life, then you need to agree with your H that you get the same number of nights out as he does (you have not mentioned at any point whether he is reluctant to look after DC when you have a night out, or whether he is perfectly willing to do his share apart from on his socialising nights) and look into ways of finding yourself some friends.

To me, a completely wrecked weekend every other weekend (if you put it another way) is too much

if he is wasted, had no sleep and needing another 12 hours recovery time on top of his 5am roll-in ?

the whole weekend gone

If you don't want to live like it, tell him to change or do one. I had exactly the same situation, and to cut a very long and tedious story short I gave my DP an ultimatum (sorry, I love them!). So it was "grow up or feck orf".

He grew up. And if he hadn't-everyone's a winner as I wouldn't have wanted to be with him anyway.

If you take the ultimatum route, you have to stick to it and not booy-hoo when he doesn't do what you hoped ie change. That's the hard bit.

I sound very facetious, but just trying to cut to the chase. I know what it feels like to live with all the uncertainty-it is shitty for you. And it can't go on.

I dont expect him to give up socializing all together. It is the 5 am that bothers me, the saying Im popping out for dinner. NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS, passing me on to strangers cause he does not want to talk to me. I know I need to get a life outside of the home. However I have changed so much in the last 5 years . I cant even imagine WANTING to stay out till 5 and i guess I resent him for not marching to my drum roll.