Husband can't get on with my DC

[phoenix2]

I feel like i am living in a nightmare. i can't understand how it has all gone so wrong. i had a 4 yr old dd when i met my now husband. we have two kids now 3 and 1. my dh and my dd were fairly close until 3 yrs ago. i guess she turned into a pre-pubescent or it was the arrival of our own dd but since then they have simply not got on. My dd is now 13. The arguements are constant. literally 3/4 days out of every 2wks my dh and i won't be talking over something or other.

Now my dd is not a saint and in many ways she is an unusual child. Not wild or particularly bold or anything like that but very lazy, no 'get up and go' whatsoever, speaks very low, extremely fussy and slow eater and at times i can admit it she won't do the things she is asked (simlpe stuff around the house) but i guess all of this is normal for a 13yr old. She does my head in at times but i still love her totally and completely - she's still my baby and i know i was probably every bit as bad when i was her age.

My Dh however cannot tolerate her at all. We can't even have a day out together without it ending in disaster or him giving out to her over every little thing and her withdrawing into herself which annoys him even more. We went on holidays earlier this year and i swore never again - it was a nightmare. We used to go away for weekends with her when she was smaller but i wouldn't even dream of doing that now as it would be a joke.

We had a day out shopping yesterday and once again it descended into a disaster. he was hungry before we were so we stopped for lunch - i know my dd wouldn't eat a dinner (she was only after eating popcorn) so i said she would have soup - this resulted in him giving out yards about how spoilt she was, how you would think she was royalty etc etc (now she does have a very annoying way of eating) you could see people at the next table just staring at us. I was putting up new pics on the mantle piece yesterday eve and put one of her on the couch for a mo (while i was rearranging them) and she said 'dont' take down the only one of me' he started giving out saying that was such a stupid thing to say. His brother was there at the time and my heart broke for her as i could see her hold ing back the tears. His bro took them out for chips and while gone i said that as usual he was being too hard on her. And thats when he said it. After all these years he finally said he can't stand her. He ususally just says she is spoilt, brat, no manners etc but this was a new low.

Only last weekend he promised me there would be no more givnig out to her that he would improve, that he can see its killing me etc. (i have heard this almost every month for the past three years).

so what the hell do i do?? she has a dad who loves her but lives the other side of the country, his mother adores her and lives only 4 kms from her and she usually goes there 1/2 night each week. This sounds awful but these are the only nights i can relax. I feel sick to my stomach at the way this has all turned out. He is a shit husband, shit step father but an amzing dad to his own two.

Any advice would be great. this is taking a huge toll on my health and it must be awful for my dd

Sorry for long thread. but sometimes i wish she would just change and wake up and make an effort and speak louder and eat faster etc etc and then on the other hand i know how wrong this is to feel that way. Its not her fault.

We have tried counselling before, i hve written him letters, asked him to leave(he wouldn't) got his bro to speak to him. Nothing works with this man and i am literally at breaking point. Crying my eyes out typing this.
Please help

Hi. It strikes me that above all, your DH is the adult and your DD is the child. It is his responsibility to see the big picture and be the grown up here, not your DD. Do you think he would treat his own kids like this if they behaved the same? If not, then he should not be like this with your DD. You and her came as a package and he should accept this. Sorry, not very helpful, but it's him that needs to change, not your DD.

You say he won't leave, but he can't stop you from going to a solicitor and filing for divorce. This situation is really unfair on your DD :( And doesn't sound much fun for you either. The little ones would be upset, but they shouldn't be witnessing this in the long term either, and he could still be a fantastic dad to them at weekends.

What are you getting out of this relationship with your H now?. What keeps you within this?

Your longer term relationship with your DD (as well her relationship to her siblings) is at real risk here of breaking down completely if you were to do nothing.

It is NOT your DDs fault that she has a poor role model for a stepfather; someone who continues to belittle her and what are you doing when that all happens?. It is also no surprise to me at all that he favours his own biological children; he simply cannot stand the thought of having another man's child around. The atmosphere within your house is akin to a warzone.

If you were to legally separate I think you and your children would be a lot happier.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?.

Phoenix I really feel for you and your poor DD. She can't help the way she talks or eats and if DH really can't find a way to get on with her, then you have to put her needs first. She deserves to feel loved in her own home.

I appreciate that this is hard for you, but as the Goddess says, you all come as a package and he can't pick and choose who he's kind to.

My DH struggles with our DS even though they are biologically related, so I know how you feel to be torn between them both, but you need to spell it out to him that if you have to choose between him or your DD that she will always come first, so he has to find a way to get on with her to be in your life.

You've posted about this before haven't you? Or someone has in very, very similar circs then went on to marry him anyway.

He's not going to change you know that right? He is treating YOUR child like this, YOUR little girl.

YOU need to wake up and smell the coffee fast or lose HER FOR GOOD.

You do realise the fact you can only relax when she is away is very telling? You are blaming her, she will pick up on this. You should be blaming him.

This all will end badly. You are allowing her to be segregated from her siblings, you are allowing him to treat her like this. She will end up hating you for it.

So you either take a stand or finish it. Shit husband and shit stepdad you say? Is he worth losing your kids over in the future? As that is what will happen.

He can still be an "amazing Dad" to his two children if you part. I f he really is a good Dad then the separation won't change that, but it will help your DD and you. You say he's a shit partner and shit stepdad-you've said it all really. The next step is getting some advice isn't it? This can't go on, she's your baby girl and she needs you.

she probably speaks so quietly because her confidence has been destroyed by the constant bullying by your DH.

She is your child.

He is an adult man who cannot stand a little girl, yet took on the role of her step-dad.

You need to protect your girl, her self-esteem and confidence will be being killed off by his treatment. Is it any wonder she withdraws and can't speak up?

It's heartbreaking that she thought when you took down that picture, that you were actually not going to put it back up. Poor little soul.

You don't need his permission to get rid of him.

He is not an amazing dad. An amazing dad would never bully his children's sibling like this. What are they learning from your dh about how they should treat other people?

Your poor dd.

You say he is a shit husband,leaving aside the issue of your DD, why is this?

Gosh this thread has made me very cross indeed. I feel so very much for your DD. You need to get shot of this horrible man asap.

I logged out and started some housework, but I came back because I am so at your DH saying that he "can't stand" your DD.

I withdraw my earlier remark that if he wants to be part of your life he should find a way to get along with her. No matter how hard he tries, she (and you) will know how he really feels and this will erode her confidence.

Imagine the difference in her self esteem - either she continues to live in this hostile environment, feeling responsible for arguments between you & DH and knowing she is not loved as much as her siblings - or the alternative, you tell her that you are no longer in a relationship with this man because you will not accept anyone treating your precious DD that way, that all of your DCs are the most important thing in the world.

He can still be involved with the other DCs and you should contact your older DD's dad and try to get him involved with her as often as he is able, to show her that she is loveable. As she gets older she will be able to travel to see him more often, but maybe for now her GM could take her there?

You need to think really seriously about this.

My exh was a devoted stepdad to my dd until we had our own dc, and then he changed completely towards her. I didn't know quite how awful he was to her when I wasn't there, until we split up, because she never told me

It's something that I shall feel guilty about for evermore, because I genuinely had no idea - I just thought that they bickered because she was getting a bit teenager-y and hormonal. But he did horrible things that I never knew about - apparently he used to take the remote control for the tv with him when he went out so that she couldn't watch tv, etc

From the day we split up, he has NEVER spoken to her again, and neither have his parents. He was her stepdad for 8 years.

Your daughter speaks low, has no confidence, can't follow simple instructions, has trouble eating, withdraws into herself- to me she sounds like the classic victim of abuse and bullying.
I get the feeling you want us to tell you that you should send your daughter away- so your husband can carry on being a 'fantastic father' to his other children.
Lets hope they never disappoint him eh ?

i think you need to do it fast

she's 13? that doesn't give you much time to repair the damage

this made me cry. her self esteem must be on the floor

Poor kid.

Could it be that she is speaking low and slow, and eating slowly because she is anxious? When my ds is worried about something, he takes forever with his meals, because he has a lump in his tummy.

What Mardy said - as I read what you had written I was thinking she sounds sad, depressed, and bullied. I wouldn't be at all surprised if, when your husband leaves (and leave he must, you CANNOT let your daughter continue to be put in this position), your daughter's life turns around and you will see the changes in her immediately. Good luck; it won't be easy, but you have to do this.

Your other two children will still be able to see your dh, and your eldest daughter, happily for her, won't.

Mardyarse. I'm 99% positive this is someone who has posted before, with slight tweaks. I maybe wrong. But I'm pretty sure. If not it's uncanny the similarities.

That was the jist of it then too.

I hit post because there was a knock on the door.

You need to help your dd. He sounds like a terrible man. And you are not happy with him. I second you should file for divorce and get him out of your lives.

poor girl i feel so sad for her

If he won't leave then you do. Make a stand, stand up for your DD and show her you put her first over him.

He is not being a good father to his dcs showing them that it is ok to dislike a child, to bully and belittle them and to show disrespect to your and their sibling he's being a selfish horrid bully and it is clear from your posts that your dd is suffering.

What they all said.

He's been in your DD's life since she was 4, he must have a fair amount to do with how she's grown up. Take the incident where he was hungry so everyone else had to eat even though they weren't, and having a go at DD as if not being hungry was somehow naughty. No wonder she has eating issues.

What's wrong with an adult feeling a bit hungry for a while anyway? Does he have some medical condition (eg diabetes, ulcers) that mean he has to eat as soon as he feels hungry? No, scrub that - even if he did he could still have some patience with other family members' needs.

He sounds awful, awful, awful.

Oh, I do think I remember.

You are no better than your husband, in that you are allowing the abuse of your daughter to continue. Shame on you.

your daughter will end up hating YOU, can you live with that?
She will never forget that you continued to subject her to living with a bully.
Your children come first imho, definately before an abusive step father.