Husband can't get on with my DC

[phoenix2]

I feel like i am living in a nightmare. i can't understand how it has all gone so wrong. i had a 4 yr old dd when i met my now husband. we have two kids now 3 and 1. my dh and my dd were fairly close until 3 yrs ago. i guess she turned into a pre-pubescent or it was the arrival of our own dd but since then they have simply not got on. My dd is now 13. The arguements are constant. literally 3/4 days out of every 2wks my dh and i won't be talking over something or other.

Now my dd is not a saint and in many ways she is an unusual child. Not wild or particularly bold or anything like that but very lazy, no 'get up and go' whatsoever, speaks very low, extremely fussy and slow eater and at times i can admit it she won't do the things she is asked (simlpe stuff around the house) but i guess all of this is normal for a 13yr old. She does my head in at times but i still love her totally and completely - she's still my baby and i know i was probably every bit as bad when i was her age.

My Dh however cannot tolerate her at all. We can't even have a day out together without it ending in disaster or him giving out to her over every little thing and her withdrawing into herself which annoys him even more. We went on holidays earlier this year and i swore never again - it was a nightmare. We used to go away for weekends with her when she was smaller but i wouldn't even dream of doing that now as it would be a joke.

We had a day out shopping yesterday and once again it descended into a disaster. he was hungry before we were so we stopped for lunch - i know my dd wouldn't eat a dinner (she was only after eating popcorn) so i said she would have soup - this resulted in him giving out yards about how spoilt she was, how you would think she was royalty etc etc (now she does have a very annoying way of eating) you could see people at the next table just staring at us. I was putting up new pics on the mantle piece yesterday eve and put one of her on the couch for a mo (while i was rearranging them) and she said 'dont' take down the only one of me' he started giving out saying that was such a stupid thing to say. His brother was there at the time and my heart broke for her as i could see her hold ing back the tears. His bro took them out for chips and while gone i said that as usual he was being too hard on her. And thats when he said it. After all these years he finally said he can't stand her. He ususally just says she is spoilt, brat, no manners etc but this was a new low.

Only last weekend he promised me there would be no more givnig out to her that he would improve, that he can see its killing me etc. (i have heard this almost every month for the past three years).

so what the hell do i do?? she has a dad who loves her but lives the other side of the country, his mother adores her and lives only 4 kms from her and she usually goes there 1/2 night each week. This sounds awful but these are the only nights i can relax. I feel sick to my stomach at the way this has all turned out. He is a shit husband, shit step father but an amzing dad to his own two.

Any advice would be great. this is taking a huge toll on my health and it must be awful for my dd

Sorry for long thread. but sometimes i wish she would just change and wake up and make an effort and speak louder and eat faster etc etc and then on the other hand i know how wrong this is to feel that way. Its not her fault.

We have tried counselling before, i hve written him letters, asked him to leave(he wouldn't) got his bro to speak to him. Nothing works with this man and i am literally at breaking point. Crying my eyes out typing this.
Please help

Ring WA and the police NOW.

What are you waiting for?

I remember you from previous posts.

When your DD grows up she will hate you for this. I know this because I was that girl. Once. A long time ago.

Gather all your courage and ring NOW.

He doesn't even wait until he's properly in the room before he starts on your dd?

FFS woman, get a grip. He's out of the house. Get the police round and tell them what you're going to do which is pack his stuff and leave it outside (sod what the neighbours think) while you bolt yourself and the dc in the house.

If he doesn't drive off with his belongings when he gets back and if he starts causing a scene, call the police again.

Does your dd's father know that the arsehole's been bullying her to within an inch of her life? How dare he... HOW FUCKING DARE HE bully your dd. Any red-blooded man would knock him into the middle of next week and I have no doubt that more than a few mumsnetters would be only too happy to show this bullying twunt the error of his ways.

I can sense that alot of you think i am a weak and spineless mother who has let this go on for far longer than it should. And i agree with you. Its hard to articlate why i have; i suppose you would have had to have been in an abusive relationship to understand the way a person gets worn down and lulled along into false sense of securities time and again. I used to belive him when he said he wouldn't lose the cool anymore or that he would leave the discipline of dd to me, that he would just be her friend, that he would be a proper father to her, that he loved me and her etc etc. I say i believed it maybe i just wanted to or needed to. I don;t live in the Uk and where i live it is far far from normal to have a child out of marraige never mind have children from two different fathers and for that to fail it just doesn't happen. That is the culture i have been brought up in and its not an excuse but it does contribute to my inability until now to deal with the reality of whats has been so obvious. I am ashamed of that now. I haven't fully looked into the law around this but from what i have been led to believe men hold all the power and they generally need to do something very serious to be forced to leave the family home. Police dont deal with domestics.I will continue to post here as it is my ony outlet at the moment so i hope some of you will be patient and bear with me. For those of you who think i am just a crap mother - i hear you but what i need now is support to get out.
I phoned WA and started the process of what i hope and intend will be mine and my DD eventual freedom from this man.
He came back 2 hrs after he stormed off and walked in the exact same time as my mother. He was as nice as pie to her and when he left he went straight to bed not a word to either of us. WA told me to get advice from a family law solicitor so i will get onto that tomorrow. I told the lady that 5 months ago he dragged me across the room during an arguement and told me that if i ever confronted him again he would put me out through the window.
Im sorry that its not that easy to just throw his clothes into a bag and ring the police. Number one they wouldn't come to a domestic and anyway the nearest station is one hour away and number two i am afraid to rile him too much while my dd is in the house. I don't want things ever to escalate to violence while she is here to witness it. I know she probably has already been somewhat damaged by what has gone on but to see me be assaulted or to be threatened herself would be something she would never get over.

I am going to phone his brother tomorrow to see if he will support me in some way - he has in the past - and see what we can arrange.
I want to be free to live my life without having to temper to his moods but most of all as so many have pointed out i owe it to my dd to be a proper mother and sort this out.
Funnily, when i stood up for her this eve it wasn't that hard at all and the minute i did he lost it but left the house within the space of about 2 minutes. So i know he is a coward and i will stand up to him but the circumstances need to be right.
So for now i am like the swan; everyone around me at work, friends etc think i have a great like, am in great form if only they knew. The old saying you never know what goes on behind closed doors is truer than i ever knew.
Thank you for reading if you have got this far..

As others have already said you need to get a grip, grow some backbone and stand up for your children. I suspect your DD exhibits all these behaviours because of him. It is your job to protect her. I'm still nt clear WHAT you are going to DO. Frankly you seem more concerned about the neighbours and yourself than your DD. Theres no point wringing your hands, do something.

Many people here's HAVE been in abusive relationships and do know how hard this is for you; your situation seems different to most that are posted, in that it is your ddi that is the Target of the abuse rather than yourself.

It doesn't matter how embarrassing or how hard it is for you, you have to get rid of him quickly.

What is your plan? You need a plan

I actually think your ddi should go and live with her grandmother

What country are you in?

I seem to remember something about Ireland? Perhaps I am wrong on that one, or it was someone else.

Do you work? Have you any money? If he won't go then you have to be the one to take your children and go. Take all important papers and let WA help you.

'Things' do not matter at all , and sod the neighbours and the general community. I went from an abusive father and a useless bloody mother to abusive relationships , one after another after another. Do you want that for your children?

Can your mother help you?

Sweetheart,

Don't for one single second think that we are blaming you in any way shape or form. this is nothing to do with you or your DD at all tbh.

this is all about him.

If ALL of us, however many thousands who have read this thread, suddenly pitched up at your address, say, 6 months ago and said, we're here to free you from the tyranny you are suffering, you would fight us individually, tooth and nail.

This is a realisation you have to come to yourself.

This is a decision you must take.

Not a single one of us can make your foot take that first tentative freeing step to a safer, healthier and happier life. not even if we held a gun to your head

This is not the time to feel shame - no need. You have done nothing wrong. HE chose to abuse you and your children. I say children, because ANY children that are living in an abusive environment are considered to being victims of DIRECT abuse. He is being out and out cruel to your DD, and he is causing her tangible physical and mental harm.

You can't do a thing if you don't realise what is happening. Abuse of this nature is so obscure to begin with, so creeping and so stealthy, that you won't see it. Little by little that man will sand away, erode every scrap of your strength, wearing you to almost nothing. All the while, with his unpredictable behaviour, you are so busy trying to fight fires, walk on eggshells and not make waves ( total mish-mash of metaphors entirely intended) all of these heroic feats combined leaves you absolutely ZERO room to think rationally. You are in constant turmoil/panic wondering what you will have to fend off next.

NOW is the moment you are being called to action. NOW is the moment you need to dig deep, to the very pit of your being and find whatever courage you have to make the right move for you, for your DD and for your family.

Nothing can take greater importance than formalising a plan to remove this person from your immediate environment.

You need to get serious legal help, serious DV help and serious financial benefits advice. You need to get yourself and your children to a place of absolute safety.

We will be here every step of the way, if that is what you need. If one of us lives near you, I'm sure they will extend a hand. All you have to do is be honest, open and brave.

Please say you will start your get out plan tomorrow? please tell us that your daughter has you to save her from this dreadful cruelty?

gettingagrip the language phoenix uses makes me think she is in Ireland.

Could be wrong though..

Three cheers for Hissy.

You can yet save your DD. There is time. And you will be teaching her the most valuable lesson of all...to value herself.

Many of us have done it. Many of us had nothing when we left. And it was hard, there is no denying it. But you will save your children! That is the greatest feeling.

Tell us what you need and we will all help you.

I had a long chat with DH brother. he said he could sense the tension in the house sunday evening when he called. He said there is not point in him talking to him again as its a waste of time. He said his father would be useless to speak to as he is the type that expects people to sort out their own problems.

My BIL said he is willing to help me but he doesn't know what he can do.
This morning he told me that i had made my choice (my standing up for my dd) and would be sorry etc; he said to my dd that he hopes she is happy now and that this is all her fault. So he def doesn't think he is any way in the wrong - he is the victim in his own mind.

I phoned up DH on my lunch break and calmly but straight out i asked him to move out. He said he would love to but he can't. It said its all my fault for not correcting my DD and putting manners on her etc etc. then wait for it - he said he won't leave becuase he doesn't want his children to turn out like my dd. He is basically saying that i am a sht mother and that i wouldn't be fit to raise them! The cheekly bgger. I didnt see that angle coming.

Phoenix Good start. Well done for putting him straight that you want him to leave. Now you have to show him you are serious and set a very quick deadline. Don't let him think you are all talk and no action.

Stay strong

Go and see a Solicitor quick fast. You've started the ball rolling-well done. Now keep the momentum up. You know what you're dealing with-a man who is going to fight it every step of the way from what he says. Call in support. Yes it's going to be hard, but the end result is surely worth it-your children happier and you away from a man who frightens you.

Of course he can move out. His brother, the one that wants to help but doesn't know how, can put him up.

Tell him you are not asking him to move out of your house, you are telling him to move out of your house.

What Chipping said! Word for Word!

Get your BIL to pick up you H stuff and then go and talk to him/pick him up from work.
Also he can help you change the locks and go with you to the Police station if you need additional protection.

And don't get hung up on the changing locks thing. To be honest, solicitors often tacitly agree with the abused party changing the locks even though there is no "right" to do this as such. The fact is, if you change the locks you are "answerable to the court" if you like, not him. And the chances of a judge in any future court action making an issue of you changing the locks is small, esp in an abuse situation.

I just phoned my BIL again and asked him if he would phone H and try and persuade him to do the decent thing and back down and move out.
He hasn't a notion giving in but i thought it might be worth a try.
Otherwise its a case of sending my dd to her GM friday night and staging a confrontation and telling him to leave - im sure my BIL would come to our house and back me up.

I think you are misunderstanding what people are saying. Don't ask your BiL to reason with your husband. Get him to collect your husbands stuff from your house, collect your husband from work and give him a bed to sleep in. In the mean time, you change the locks.

Well done though, nearly there x

Tell your H that if he doesn't move out, he will be removed by the police. The house is yours, not in joint names, so he has no right to be there once you have told him to leave.

Phoenix, you can't ask this man to be decent. Never going to happen.

I know it's hard, but you have to dig deep and stand firm, TELL him he has to go.

Make sure the DC are well away, make sure you are backed up by whoever you can muster and get the locks changed, his stuff collected and him moved. It needs to be a fait accomplis. If you vacillate, he'll bulldoze you again.

Standing firm against this is like standing on a beach, seeing a tidal wave approach. Instead of running, you dig your feet in, deep breath and let the wave wash over you. Sure it'll buffett you a little, but your feet are planted, you are strong enough to withstand it.

Don't forget there are hundreds if not thousands behind you.. US!

Go see a solicitor and get some proper Advice please.

Do you have an update, OP? How is everything going?

DH has moved into the spare room and is later and later coming home from work - usually goes to bed very early - like a scaulded cat i suppose. he is still niggling and giving out to my dd on and off but everytime he does i tell him to leave her alone - you should see the look on his face when i do - he is soo angry but knows he can't afford to totally lose it.

My BIL chickened out of speaking to him - after me waiting all last weekend for him to intervene.

DH and I had words after he came in from the pub sunday night - he ended up saying that he will call both our families to come to the house saturday and tell them we are seperating and why. (The 'why' by the way was said as a threat - he must think he has something on me). I said thats great 7.30 would suit me. He started saying that one night when i was supposed to be at my friends house for a drink he knows i wasn't there - such crap, he is dilousional(sp).

Tough week all round - very stressfull - our DS turned one at the weekend and am so down that this is how it has all turned out - there is no joy in anything anymore - i can't remmember the last time i looked forward to a special occasion becuase he ruins everying. I cant remember the last time i felt happy.
DS was sick last night - DH came in and shouted at me as to why i couldn't get him to sleep, why did i say i would bring him into the bed with me if i couldn't mind him, ranting about how he would wake our dd - i j said typical you - blaming me because ds is crying.
He gave out to me this morning for saying 'typical' - he really took issue with it - he thought i meant typical that he gave the baby to me the one night that he was sick (or something like that - the man is mental). There must be a descrption of someone who is this volitile all the time, and irrational and even when he is trying to make an arguement like the eg above he isn't even making sense - is it depression? Our 3yr old started saying 'daddy is talking very loud and thats very bold'. He needs to go.
I was so downtrodden at 2am thinking what a ba**tard he is - but onwards and upwards today - saturday is coming soon and even though i know he didn't really mean it that he is gong to tell our families - i do. I can't stand the sight of him anymore and i can't wait until he is gone and i can live in peace with my children.

Has he agreed to move out then, after you have informed your families?

if he has, i would invite them all round tonight, rather than wait until saturday