Husband can't get on with my DC

[phoenix2]

I feel like i am living in a nightmare. i can't understand how it has all gone so wrong. i had a 4 yr old dd when i met my now husband. we have two kids now 3 and 1. my dh and my dd were fairly close until 3 yrs ago. i guess she turned into a pre-pubescent or it was the arrival of our own dd but since then they have simply not got on. My dd is now 13. The arguements are constant. literally 3/4 days out of every 2wks my dh and i won't be talking over something or other.

Now my dd is not a saint and in many ways she is an unusual child. Not wild or particularly bold or anything like that but very lazy, no 'get up and go' whatsoever, speaks very low, extremely fussy and slow eater and at times i can admit it she won't do the things she is asked (simlpe stuff around the house) but i guess all of this is normal for a 13yr old. She does my head in at times but i still love her totally and completely - she's still my baby and i know i was probably every bit as bad when i was her age.

My Dh however cannot tolerate her at all. We can't even have a day out together without it ending in disaster or him giving out to her over every little thing and her withdrawing into herself which annoys him even more. We went on holidays earlier this year and i swore never again - it was a nightmare. We used to go away for weekends with her when she was smaller but i wouldn't even dream of doing that now as it would be a joke.

We had a day out shopping yesterday and once again it descended into a disaster. he was hungry before we were so we stopped for lunch - i know my dd wouldn't eat a dinner (she was only after eating popcorn) so i said she would have soup - this resulted in him giving out yards about how spoilt she was, how you would think she was royalty etc etc (now she does have a very annoying way of eating) you could see people at the next table just staring at us. I was putting up new pics on the mantle piece yesterday eve and put one of her on the couch for a mo (while i was rearranging them) and she said 'dont' take down the only one of me' he started giving out saying that was such a stupid thing to say. His brother was there at the time and my heart broke for her as i could see her hold ing back the tears. His bro took them out for chips and while gone i said that as usual he was being too hard on her. And thats when he said it. After all these years he finally said he can't stand her. He ususally just says she is spoilt, brat, no manners etc but this was a new low.

Only last weekend he promised me there would be no more givnig out to her that he would improve, that he can see its killing me etc. (i have heard this almost every month for the past three years).

so what the hell do i do?? she has a dad who loves her but lives the other side of the country, his mother adores her and lives only 4 kms from her and she usually goes there 1/2 night each week. This sounds awful but these are the only nights i can relax. I feel sick to my stomach at the way this has all turned out. He is a shit husband, shit step father but an amzing dad to his own two.

Any advice would be great. this is taking a huge toll on my health and it must be awful for my dd

Sorry for long thread. but sometimes i wish she would just change and wake up and make an effort and speak louder and eat faster etc etc and then on the other hand i know how wrong this is to feel that way. Its not her fault.

We have tried counselling before, i hve written him letters, asked him to leave(he wouldn't) got his bro to speak to him. Nothing works with this man and i am literally at breaking point. Crying my eyes out typing this.
Please help

Thank you all so much for all your replies.
Its true is would be no difference what she ate at dinner yesterday, it would make no difference if she transformed tomorrow into the perfect child (and please let no-one think that i think she is not wonderful because i know she is - my OP was just meant to highlight some of the behaviours that would drive anyone mad but no more than any other child of her age - in a normal family one would just throw the eyes up the heaven and say kids eh!)he would still have issues with her. He is the same with me nothing is ever enough im never thin enough, work hard enough, get up early enough etc etc. Diff is i know he is wrong because i am an adult and i was brought up to think i was enough. Somehow i have developed into a doormat. I am by nature a people pleaser and i know i have let this get out of control in my marriage. When i am out without him, people tell me i look fab, i have great fun and conversations etc but at home its a different story. I go out with my friends about 6 times a year - by my own choice - the last time i went to the next village to meet an old friend. My DH didn't even ask me the next day if i had a good night and the bit that really hurt was that he didn't even ask or care how i got home (usually i would socialise in the town we live in so getting home wouldn't even be a question). I asked him a couple of weeks later why he didn't even ask how his wife had got home and he simply said he trusted me to go out and behave myself and get myself home with no messing!!
Anyway, back to reality. After yesterdays blow up - this morning we didn't speak at all to each other. Then totally out of character he didn't come home from work until 730 smelling of drink. I was upstairs and he asked me 'why i had that long face on me' Assh#le.
I will arrange for my dd to spend one night this week with her granny. Then i will tell him that we are seperating. We have been here many many times before. he will tell me that i am talking crap, mad and probably just walk off. Im not sure how to handle this. I have tried cornering him before and not letting him walk away. Last time he dragged me across the room by the arm and told me that if i ever blocked his way again he would put me through the window. we're not talking a rational person here.
I will phone womens aid tomorow for advice.
Thanks again - ye are very honest and i needed that.

Well done Phoenix. If he has threatened violence before, think of yours and the childrens safety before anything else. You don't necessarily need to have the 'leaving conversation' with him if he's likely to get aggressive. Will be thinking of you.

you cant just "tell him you are separating"

it hasn't worked before has it?
he does not listen to you.

you need a concrete plan - you need actions not "i'd like you to leave"
"well i wont - you leave"

ie as was suggested - when he is out you dont let him back in but his suitcase is in the garden. here is your suitcase, bye.

talking to him will get you nowhere.

but speak to womens aid.

Your right talking will make no difference i suppose. But if i change the locks he will break down doors, windows - he won't go away that easily. Also, we live in a quiet cul-de sac (5houses) in a very small town - people just don't leave suitcases outside. I have packed his bags for him before and left them in the car but he just laughed at me and brought them back inside.

Yes, it's no good expecting him to act like a decent human being, because he isn't one. You don't need a conversation, you need to act.

if he is breaking down doors you call police.
that is why you speak to police DV unit in advance and let them them know the time and place.

if he does break down windows etc then he will be arrested and it will be on record. if he is shouting or violent to police/you he will be charged. will show his true colors.

OP please listen to the advice you have had on here. Its good for your dd and for you, you need him out of your life.

DON'T TRY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM!!!

It will get you nowhere and the same will happen as before. Call womansaid, formulate a plan, get hold of the police dv unit and tell them what you are going to do and when you are going to do it. Don't give him any clues as to what you are intending either as it will either make it very dangerous for you or he will weedle his way ack in and you'll be worse than back to square one.

Phoenix, just because he won't go easy doesn't mean you have to let him stay.

he is bullying you, he is terrorising your daughter.

Get RL help, call the DV team, get as many people involved in getting him to leave as possible.

It's crystal clear that you need to get the bully out of your home and out of your life WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY. However, as previously advised, do NOT enter into any conversation with him about your intentions to end his reign of terror in your home.

As you own the house outright, it will be a relatively simple matter to have him removed from it by way of a non-molestation Order which can be applied for ex parte without him having any prior knowledge of the proceedings.

I would suggest you visit www.rightsofwomen.org.uk and call the Advice line on 020 7251 6577 which is staffed by women barristers and solicitors.

The line is open Tuesday?Thursday 2?4pm and 7-9pm, and Friday 12?2pm.

The Women's Aid national helpine number is frequently oversubscribed; google 'women's aid' followed by your nearest town/county for details of local resources that can provide the support you need to get the bully gone this week and get divorce proceedings underway.

Pheonix you know what you need to do and you need to do it now. ASAP. No messing, no doubts, no wobbles. Take strength from the support on here. BearWith gave you excellent advice. Memorise it and do it. You said 'people' don't leave bags outside? well 'people' aren't in your situation!! You and your children are. All 3 of them, don't kid yourselves that the younger ones are not/will not be affected by this relationship. Kick him out. Do it properly and finally. Change the locks. Never, ever take him back. If it means leaving the world as you know it behind, going into refuge (women's aid will help you with this if need be) and starting all over again then so be it. Kick him out or leave.
I wish you strength, courage and determination.

You have to make him leave. That's all there is to it. Womens Aid will help. The local police will help. Your neighbours would probably help.

You cannot let this bully live in your home any longer.

He is not a good Dad. A good Dad does not treat his children's mother like this, nor their sister.

i know its not easy to lock someone out i know because i have done it myself,i made sure i wasnt in my house alone and when he tried to kick the door down i called the police.

he had just made it into the house as the police arrived they quickly removed him with very strong words and threats that he would be arrested as he had no rights to be there.

the police were wonderful and supportive and saw right through his charm,they made it clear that he must not contact me and he could collect his stuff only with the police present.

the next step was to to see a solicitor to get an injunction to keep him away i never bothered i was just glad i had got him out of the house looking back was a big mistake as i had to put up with him begging,crying,screaming abuse at me in the street and threats,as for seeing the kids i dropped them at his mums who i knew i could trust to look out for them.

even after we split for a few years everytime he upset the kids i would try to put it right for him for my kids sake not his. now 2 out of 3 of my kids refuse to have anything to do with him and the 3rd well lets just say hes seen him once in 3 months. my kids are older now and love no longer blinds them they now see him for what he is a nasty vile bully.

'Also, we live in a quiet cul-de sac (5houses) in a very small town - people just don't leave suitcases outside.'

Oh no heaven forbid you would not the the 'done thing' just to save your daughter from abuse. Guess people in your neighborhood just pretend to the outside world all is fine whilst allowing their precious children to get royally fucked up for the rest of their lives. Much better that than causing a scene eh?

Your poor daughter, I have very little sympathy for you. You are making a choice, she has none.

Also have you informed your daughters father she is being abused? Thats the sort of info as a caring parent I would want to know.

Phoenix : Make those arrangements for your DCs to be looked after; make that phone call to the police; let your "D"H go to work; get those locks changed; get some friends over; get his belongings packed into black sacks and dump them on the front lawn. DO IT!

I've had to do this before and believe me, the feeling of relief when you've done this and the change in atmosphere in the house, is just wonderful!

YOU CAN DO THIS - You and ALL your DCs deserve this......

Phoenix there is a time for nice and there is a time for assertive action. Now is assertive time.

Tell him to go, take action to make him go, take action to make sure he can't come back. You've had all the good advice strangers on an internet forum can give - now is the time for you to act.

Stay strong

Pheonix, can I just 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc what just about everybody has said- the man is a complete git and you need to get him out of your life. The incident with the photo is heartbreaking. You know you need to do this.

My DD is a little 'quirky' shall we say. If my DH treated her the way your H does your DD, I would not be accountable for my actions. The anger is rising in me at the very thought of it. How does it make you feel when he treats her like this? Your maternal instincts must kick in , as they would for 99 % of mothers in the world. You now need to harness that feeling and use it to find the strength to protect your DD. The alternatiive is a very damaged child. Who will probably move out as soon as she is 16 and never come back. Make the arrangements now- then stand firm and take no shit from him.

What do ye think of this?? Have to type quickly.
DH just came in from work while me and dd were having our dinner. She had most her of hers eaten but hadn't eaten all the veg (had enough). First thing he said was pick up your knife and eat properly and finish all that veg. He said this twice then i said leave her alone i am in charge of her dinner and she has had enough. He fliiped walked out and said stuff like 'ill leave he alone alright'. Dont' know where he is gone went storming off in the car.
Lunatic.
Hope he doesn't come back worse...

What are you looking for? He is an arse nothing is going to change. Lock him out and tell the police.

Get a grip, really sorry you're in an abusive relationship, but you need to protect your DC - all three of them - from him. It is NOT too late, but the longer you stay the more damage they will all suffer, especially dd, you can do better by them.

YOU own the house ffs!

Ring the numbers above, get help, tell dd's dad what's happening, get your dd some help, tell her school, tell the neighbours. Be safe. But please don't stay with him and fuck up your DCs' lives.

Phoenix, have you posted about this before? I too remember a similar thread. I remember it because it was also really upsetting and i felt so sorry for the child in question. If that was you (and apologies if it was not) it worries me that once again you will ignore the advice on here and let this continue.

You must know what everyone will think of what has happened this evening, it must have again been horrible for your dd.

Phoenix 2 - have you ever wondered why your daughter speaks so quietly???????? Why she shows such obvious signs of stress?????

You really DO need to get this man out of your poor little daughter's life.

Take advice from the ladies above, who know.

Poor child! And how does it feel to know that the longer you stay with this man, the more likely it will be that she will also make poor judgements about relationships?

Your daughter is being abused.

What ARE you going to do about it Phoenix?

Don't hope he doesn't come back worse.

Be pro-active. Use the numbers above and get some proper advice. Call the non emergency police line, tell them that your family is being abused, that you want to prevent him coming back into the home and then stop him.

Call your father/brother/ex husband/friend. Get some support in your house now.

You DD had eaten nearly all her dinner before this vile person walked into the house and the first thing is does is bully and pick on her. No wonder the poor child never wants to eat!