Husband can't get on with my DC

[phoenix2]

I feel like i am living in a nightmare. i can't understand how it has all gone so wrong. i had a 4 yr old dd when i met my now husband. we have two kids now 3 and 1. my dh and my dd were fairly close until 3 yrs ago. i guess she turned into a pre-pubescent or it was the arrival of our own dd but since then they have simply not got on. My dd is now 13. The arguements are constant. literally 3/4 days out of every 2wks my dh and i won't be talking over something or other.

Now my dd is not a saint and in many ways she is an unusual child. Not wild or particularly bold or anything like that but very lazy, no 'get up and go' whatsoever, speaks very low, extremely fussy and slow eater and at times i can admit it she won't do the things she is asked (simlpe stuff around the house) but i guess all of this is normal for a 13yr old. She does my head in at times but i still love her totally and completely - she's still my baby and i know i was probably every bit as bad when i was her age.

My Dh however cannot tolerate her at all. We can't even have a day out together without it ending in disaster or him giving out to her over every little thing and her withdrawing into herself which annoys him even more. We went on holidays earlier this year and i swore never again - it was a nightmare. We used to go away for weekends with her when she was smaller but i wouldn't even dream of doing that now as it would be a joke.

We had a day out shopping yesterday and once again it descended into a disaster. he was hungry before we were so we stopped for lunch - i know my dd wouldn't eat a dinner (she was only after eating popcorn) so i said she would have soup - this resulted in him giving out yards about how spoilt she was, how you would think she was royalty etc etc (now she does have a very annoying way of eating) you could see people at the next table just staring at us. I was putting up new pics on the mantle piece yesterday eve and put one of her on the couch for a mo (while i was rearranging them) and she said 'dont' take down the only one of me' he started giving out saying that was such a stupid thing to say. His brother was there at the time and my heart broke for her as i could see her hold ing back the tears. His bro took them out for chips and while gone i said that as usual he was being too hard on her. And thats when he said it. After all these years he finally said he can't stand her. He ususally just says she is spoilt, brat, no manners etc but this was a new low.

Only last weekend he promised me there would be no more givnig out to her that he would improve, that he can see its killing me etc. (i have heard this almost every month for the past three years).

so what the hell do i do?? she has a dad who loves her but lives the other side of the country, his mother adores her and lives only 4 kms from her and she usually goes there 1/2 night each week. This sounds awful but these are the only nights i can relax. I feel sick to my stomach at the way this has all turned out. He is a shit husband, shit step father but an amzing dad to his own two.

Any advice would be great. this is taking a huge toll on my health and it must be awful for my dd

Sorry for long thread. but sometimes i wish she would just change and wake up and make an effort and speak louder and eat faster etc etc and then on the other hand i know how wrong this is to feel that way. Its not her fault.

We have tried counselling before, i hve written him letters, asked him to leave(he wouldn't) got his bro to speak to him. Nothing works with this man and i am literally at breaking point. Crying my eyes out typing this.
Please help

You need to ring women's aid you need some help and advice with getting this horrible man out of your life.

It's not too late, and you can get out. Please talk to Women's Aid.

great minds, eh. Please do it phoenix, you know what you need to do x

Okay, you can't physically shove him out the door. You may be able to force him to leave another way. I don't know much about the legal options but I know you have options. Leaving yourself may be an option too. Just because you went back before, you can be stronger now, you can stop this for your DD and yourself.

Do you jointly rent or own the house?

I own the house

Solely?.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time, surely not still with this tool.

Sorry for the short message - am at work and someone walked in.
Yes i own the house - legally that is probably good news but it still won't make him any more inclined to leave.

Well that makes things easier, I think. In fact I think legally you could just change the locks when he's out, especially if he's refusing to leave.

I think you're going to need to be prepared to be harsh, here. It might not seem fair to lock him out with no notice, but it's not fair how he's been treating you & DD either.

Do you have any big male friends or family members who would help escort him off the premises? The police, even? I'm pretty sure if you've asked him to leave and he won't then they would be able to help. You may have to give him notice. I'm not sure how it works, will google for you. You could also try asking CAB or phoning Women's Aid as they should know the ins and outs.

Remember, you're not being unfair, or even lowering yourself to his level. You are doing what is necessary to protect your DD.

your poor girl the "dont take the only photo of me away" shows exactly how shes feeling pushed out of the family.you own the house you change the locks any trouble call the police,been in your situation once you find the guts its amazing how easy it is to get them out.

Could you try to get a non occupation order on the grounds that he is abusing your DD as it is your house?
FWIW you sound utterly exhausted but if you let DD move in wth her dad or allow her to simply not be around so much one way or another, you WILL regret it.. :(

Why is he so obsessed with what your DD does or not? It's not as if she's 4 anymore, she's 13, and she should be old enough to decide what she wants to eat, for example, without being bullied. What exactly was wrong with her having soup? What would have been wrong with her eating nothing at all if she was not hungry?

Your DH is a controlling bully, you are free to let him control you if that's what you want, but you are your DD's protector. You are setting her (and your other DCs) up for a lifetime of abuse, by her step-father and in the future by her boyfriends and future DH. Do you realize she is looking at you for a role model of how a woman is treated in a relationship?

Your DD has been ground down into a pulp by this abusive man for 3 years!

3 years ago she was a 10 year old child. So what if she is 13 now she was 10 and this man started bullying and victimising her. You are blaming her, you 'guess' she turned into a pre pubescent or something? What the actual fuck? She is a child. She is supposed to go though teenage hood! Your H is supposed to be an adult who agreed in being with you to take her on and treat her decently.

She should be sparkling, emerging from a child into a young woman slowly.

Instead she is walking around like a mouse terrified to make a sound CLASSIC walking on egg shells behavior.

Terrified to raise her voice. Probably feeling to sick and terrified to eat properly because he has a go at her all the time and on top of that you agree she is doing it wrong. Or alternatively not eating is what abused people do sometimes. It is the only control they have over themselves!

No get up and go because (yes she may be heading into normal lazy teenager hood doubtful since 10 though) what is the point when she is probably as depressed as hell about the life she is living!

You feel like you are living a nightmare? You have a choice you can leave when ever you have had enough.

What the hell do you think your daughter feels like? She has no choice and the person supposed to love and protect her most is not.

There are plenty of legal and official ways to get this man out of the house if you really want to.

Also a good father does not behave this way and teach his children this is how they should treat others or how relationships are supposed to work.

Sorry but you need to stand up and be the adult here. Your dd is suffering and part of this is due to you being weak. Surely knowing that your kids will thrive in a house, your house, without your DH, gives you some strength? I would do anything for my kids, and I feel you need to do something now. It won't be long until your dd hates you.

If you feel shit, then imagine how your dd feels. She is making the transition from child to adult and your DH and you are making it worse. Stand up for her, see a solicitor, and get him out the house. The alternative is that your dd spends the rest of her life hating you. I know what option I would choose.

OP, you sound absolutely desolate and at rock bottom, and I really feel for you.

Here is what you need to do:

1. Wait until your DD is at her grandmothers/with her Dad for a few hours

2. Get a babysitter for the youngest two who can care for them for a few hours away from the house

3. While he is out and they are all out, get the locks changed

4. Ask some friends to come round and be with you when he is due back from work, etc

5. Log your concerns beforehand with the police and tell them you are planning to leave your partner and you have reason to believe he may become belligerent and aggressive when he finds out. They will give you a way of contacting them and a code to quote so that if you need them, you can call 999 and they will be pre-primed and respond even quicker

6. Lock all the doors and sit tight. When he is due back call him and say you are leaving him and he can collect his possessions at x time at x public place/the doorstep etc, that he will be hearing from your solicitor

7. Let him kick off like the bully he is and if needed, call police

8. Divorce him and be happy. Keep all communication via official channels and in writing.

Your poor daughter :( If you love her, you must get free, for her sake.

If they are married, can she just do that? Even if she owns the house, it is still classed as an asset of the marriage and he would be entitled to a share in it.

Yes it would be classed as an asset. But she can worry about that when she files for divorce. They won't make her sell it with kids in tow.

Personally where abuse is prevalent, I'd change locks 1st, ask questions later.

OP I have no idea what your legal position is, your DD is suffering abuse so you really do have to go ahead and do this. You are feeling ground down, yes. but this is your wake up call. Plenty of practical advice on here.

No excuses, he goes.

You really need to see a solicitor ASAP. Good luck.

If you own the house you can have him forcibly removed from it and forbidden to return.
This man does not have superpowers. He is not entitled to abuse you and your DD just because he has a penis. You can get support from Women's Aid and the police DV unit to get him out of the house; if he is abusive to you and DC he forfeits the legal right to stay there.

Phoenix please get yourself and dc out of there, My step father was just like your dh, he hated me and my sister, he threatend to kill us the lot, the mental abuse was awful, even threw me out in middle of the night on more than one occasion i was the same age your dd is now. My mother did nothing to help us she stood by his side even though he was doing the same to her wtf. We got away and went to stay with real father. I still to this day will never ever speak to my so called mother again she did not protect us, Please protect your dd and your other dc. He got his dues he passed away 2 years ago and if i find his grave i will dance on it.

I was thinking the same about the meal - what on earth skin off his nose was it if she only had soup? If she'd had a full meal as he seemed to expect and picked and left most of it then that would have annoyed him even more. As it was his money was surely being saved presuming he was paying. Seems to me he has been harbouring resentment for a long time which has now grown into well - hatred - really.

It is hard to love someone elses child I have been a stepmum (of an adult already when we met I hasten to add) and you just dont have the tolerance depths for bad behaviour (not suggesting ops dd has btw) that you have with your own especially if you meet them as an older child/teenager or even adult. But your DH met her when she a sweet innocent little girl - what on earth is there not to love ? He should really have enough of a bond with her to ride the storm of some slight pre-pubescent traits without feeling any less for her. Will he 'go off' his own dcs when they reach that age?

Phoenix. I feel sick. sick to the very pit of my stomach.

I have escaped an abusive relationship. I have 1 DS. Sitting here now in freedom, I know that I would never, ever EVER allow a partner treat my son the way you H is treating your daughter.

She is real, full on suffering in tangible totally visible ways, and the situation continues.

You need to garner every last scrap of strength you have, call upon every agency you can to get this man OUT of your DD's life.

Kids have killed themselves for less. What your H is doing is out and out child abuse and he ought to be locked up for it tbh.

He is the worst kind of father, the worst kind of P, and the lowest form of human being.

You own your house, you need to reclaim your life, and you need to save your DD's life.

TODAY.

Get advice FAST and get this man GONE.

Phoenix, this must be so hard to read. I hope you find the strength to take action, to do what your daughter needs you to do. It will be hard, but you'll come out the other side. Keep posting, you'll get so much support. Can you start by telling a real life friend how you feel?