Husband can't get on with my DC

[phoenix2]

I feel like i am living in a nightmare. i can't understand how it has all gone so wrong. i had a 4 yr old dd when i met my now husband. we have two kids now 3 and 1. my dh and my dd were fairly close until 3 yrs ago. i guess she turned into a pre-pubescent or it was the arrival of our own dd but since then they have simply not got on. My dd is now 13. The arguements are constant. literally 3/4 days out of every 2wks my dh and i won't be talking over something or other.

Now my dd is not a saint and in many ways she is an unusual child. Not wild or particularly bold or anything like that but very lazy, no 'get up and go' whatsoever, speaks very low, extremely fussy and slow eater and at times i can admit it she won't do the things she is asked (simlpe stuff around the house) but i guess all of this is normal for a 13yr old. She does my head in at times but i still love her totally and completely - she's still my baby and i know i was probably every bit as bad when i was her age.

My Dh however cannot tolerate her at all. We can't even have a day out together without it ending in disaster or him giving out to her over every little thing and her withdrawing into herself which annoys him even more. We went on holidays earlier this year and i swore never again - it was a nightmare. We used to go away for weekends with her when she was smaller but i wouldn't even dream of doing that now as it would be a joke.

We had a day out shopping yesterday and once again it descended into a disaster. he was hungry before we were so we stopped for lunch - i know my dd wouldn't eat a dinner (she was only after eating popcorn) so i said she would have soup - this resulted in him giving out yards about how spoilt she was, how you would think she was royalty etc etc (now she does have a very annoying way of eating) you could see people at the next table just staring at us. I was putting up new pics on the mantle piece yesterday eve and put one of her on the couch for a mo (while i was rearranging them) and she said 'dont' take down the only one of me' he started giving out saying that was such a stupid thing to say. His brother was there at the time and my heart broke for her as i could see her hold ing back the tears. His bro took them out for chips and while gone i said that as usual he was being too hard on her. And thats when he said it. After all these years he finally said he can't stand her. He ususally just says she is spoilt, brat, no manners etc but this was a new low.

Only last weekend he promised me there would be no more givnig out to her that he would improve, that he can see its killing me etc. (i have heard this almost every month for the past three years).

so what the hell do i do?? she has a dad who loves her but lives the other side of the country, his mother adores her and lives only 4 kms from her and she usually goes there 1/2 night each week. This sounds awful but these are the only nights i can relax. I feel sick to my stomach at the way this has all turned out. He is a shit husband, shit step father but an amzing dad to his own two.

Any advice would be great. this is taking a huge toll on my health and it must be awful for my dd

Sorry for long thread. but sometimes i wish she would just change and wake up and make an effort and speak louder and eat faster etc etc and then on the other hand i know how wrong this is to feel that way. Its not her fault.

We have tried counselling before, i hve written him letters, asked him to leave(he wouldn't) got his bro to speak to him. Nothing works with this man and i am literally at breaking point. Crying my eyes out typing this.
Please help

Well done god bless you

I remember this thread and I will be honest, I left the thread feeling you wouldn't make any changes, I remember how sad I felt for your DD.

Well done you on getting shot of him! I am very surprised and proud of you!
I totally understand you will have feelings of sadness too, there is a stage of grieving when a relationship ends - you then realise that the thing you are grieving was never there at all. Life will go on and your home will be lighter and happier. You will enjoy days out and special occasions with your dcs.

Wow. I bookmarked this thread in November and forgot about it. Today I clicked on the title and the screen 'zoomed' to where I'd bookmarked - how wonderful to read that you are doing so well! And your DC are so happy now! Congratulations Phoenix2, good luck or tomorrow and the very best for the future :)

Well done! Best wishes for the future.

What a horrible, vile, evil bully this man is. Your poor daughter is being belittled and terrorised every day and what are you doing? Sitting there like an idiot while complementing him on how good he is with his biologicals. I can't imagine allowing anybody to abuse my daughter like this, I can imagine killing anybody who tried but I love my daughter, I don't believe you really love yours. If you did you would protect her from this evil and would certainly not make excuses for her abuser.

How can you not hate this man for what he is doing? What is wrong with you?

Your daughter will hate you (and quite rightly) if you don't get off your arse and get this horrible bully out of her home. You are just as bad for allowing this abuse to happen in the first place let alone continue for years.

He is a pathetic oaf who picks on a little girl to feel like a big man, he should be ashamed of himself and you should be ashamed for letting it get to this.

Either send your daughter to live with her father and go visit her there or get rid of your husband. If you love your daughter you will divorce this disgusting bully, if you want to be his pathetic little woman then at least let your daughter live with someone who cares.

And stop making excuses, you are trying to lessen the awfulness of this because you know only a bad mother would tolerate it, you don't want to admit how appalling this man is for whatever reason. Your poor, poor daughter. You have failed miserably in your duty to protect her. You have allowed this man to destroy an innocent child. Be ashamed. And Stop.

Read the whole thread bobbledunk, OP has gotten him out.

I haven't got time right now (but I will be back...) to read all of the replies, so I do apologise for posting without taking part in the whole discussion... On the other hand, I've lived through a similar childhood and that's what is making me want to post NOW.

OP: the fact that you've posted speaks volumes. You clearly know the situation isn't fair or right: make sure your DD knows that too - I don't hate my mother for allowing my childhood to be the way it was, but I still struggle with not hating myself for being the kind of child/person who deserved/deserves to be treated like that. From a child's point of view, if someone is horrible to you, it must be because you deserve it. If your own mother doesn't stop it, it just confirms that you are un-lovable.

If you are unable or unwilling for whatever reason to end the relationship with your DH (and thereby get your DH out of your DD's life), and I do understand completely that being in an abusive relationship has eroded your confidence and sense of self, PLEASE take steps, whatever you can, to give your DD a way out. Can she not go and live with her dad or grandma? She deserves a home where she is wanted and loved. She shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or hide in her own home: but as a child, she can't exactly choose where her home is, without you helping her.

I moved out when I was 17, and have spent most of my adult life abroad... For various reasons, but I can't help but to think that on some level I just needed to put as much physical distance as possible between me and my childhood.

I thought I'd "got over it", until I became a mother. I must say that the love I feel for DS has made me question the love my parents had/have for me all over again, and by extension, my self worth.

Luckily I have a DH who, despite me, has been with me for 10 years. Amazingly, he seems to love me, or at least want to share his life with me, despite the broken mess that I am deep down. I'm even luckier in that with him, I've got DS and a DD on the way. I finally have a family. I have a home. I don't even want to think about what my life would be like without DH and the life that came with him.

I have accepted that these "issues" will never go away, they are who I am. But I'd urge you (or anyone in your situation) to muster up whatever love (or even pity if that's all you've got) for your DC and let them have a shot at a half-decent childhood.

(Just wanted to add: my stepdad has never been emotionally or physically abusive to my stepbrothers, it's the total opposite. So just because your DH can't stand your DD doesn't necessarily mean he'll end up treating your other children the same - in my view this just makes it worse as far as your DD is concerned.)

Finally got to the end: this has gone from one of the most upsetting threads I've read to a wonderful example of love and courage.

Well done OP, and well done to all of you who were here to support her (I hadn't realised it was an old thread!) and guide her through the initial steps.

I very much hope life will start getting back to normal for you OP, and most of all your DD. I second whoever suggested getting some therapy for her, living with this WILL have damaged her, even if she doesn't show/ realise it now.

But yes: well done. Hopefully your courage will inspire someone in a similar situation.

Hi all,

Got a barring order for one year - or rather to be reviewed in one year.

Couldn't believe it - he turned up with no solicitor, badly dressed. It was a disgrace.

So my solicitor asked him before we went in and if he was going to contest it and he said no. i don't actually think he understood what the hell he was doing. So the judge told him he was in big trouble and what did he have to say for himself. So he pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and starting reading that he would like to apolgoise to his wife that he would bahave like a total gentleman from now on and he doesn't want access to his kids he just wants to see them. WTF!!!!! It didn't even make sense. I actually bristled a bit when he referred me to as his wife. Like do i not have a name of my own!!

He needs to get his stuff out of the house so judge said he can come tomorrow between 2 and 4 as no-body else would be here at that time but he told him to make sure to leave the key. Judge also told him to get help for his problems and he said he would. So that was it - short and sweet.

Outside then my solicitor discussed access with him and we have agreed 5 hrs per week in his brothers house and i will drop and collect.

Am cannot believe that little old me has pulled this off. I thought there for a while that i would never and could never be free but that god there are people to help you stand up to these bullies.

So if anyone else is reading this in a similar situation take hope. Once you start talking to people even one person at a time its incredible the support that is out there. No one has to live with a bully, especially children.

Well done Phoenix2.

A few years ago I split from my exDP and whilst there were many problems in our relationship, the straw which broke the camels back was the realisation that she hated my DD (from another relationship). I've no idea why and tbh I don't care.

Anyway, nearly 4 years down the line now and my DD is much happier and our entire family is too. Just wanted to say that you've done the right thing and I trust things will be better in the future.

So happy for you! Well done!

Will you be in when he picks up his stuff tomorrow? If so, then it might be a good idea to have someone with you, in case it starts to sink into him overnight. Honestly not meaning to alarm you!

Good news!

WELL DONE YOU!!!!

You have put the biggest grin ever on my face. I am so so happy for you

I'm actually a bit tearful reading that last post OP. You are so right, reaching out is just incredibly important.

How lovely that guard was to immediately take control, tell you what should be happening and get things rolling for you. Then the solicitor and the judge, doing the right thing by you. Just wonderful to hear how the system has supported you. You pulled it off, even though you were afraid and sometimes thought you'd never make it.

Your H sounds like a troubled and immature man. You're well rid.

I'm new to mums net but when I read your post I felt compelled to respond. Your daughter is being damaged emotionally and psychologically by you and your husband. She is suffering. Your husband is being cruel, he may say he doesnt intend it, but his behaviour speaks louder than words. You are allowing it through expecting your daughter to adjust her behaviour so she doesn't trigger his anger. You are re-inforcing his behavior and saying to her, through your behaviour, that she isnt valued and is the cause of his cruelty.

Poor child. You have to protect her emotionally. it's abuse.

Oops! Sorry just clocked you have ended the relationship, well done! Incan rest easy that your daughter is safe and well.