"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this GoingforGoalWeight. It's so hard when you have these moments of clarity, and you realise just how inadequate your parents were. I've been having lots of them during Xmas, where I had a light-hearted, fun, happy time with the in-laws, with no guilt trips or abuse or hassle - it was such a contrast to the last few Xmas days.

I also know what you mean about conflicting viewpoints. Sometimes I get loads of memories of nice things my parents did, or happy times we had, and that feeds the guilt about being angry at them for all the awful stuff. It's very scary and unsettling and makes you doubt yourself. I'm trying to hold onto the idea that remembering the bad stuff, which was just as real as the good stuff, is helping me to come to terms with the fact that I will never have the relationship that I want with them. It's bloody hard though

Hi, thanks for the reply.

Conflicting because therapist is making me stronger inside via teaching me i was not all the horrid things my Father labelled me as but still feeling that I am, because that is the effect of what i went through as a child and all i knew but also out of some weird disloyalty to Father.. It will take a longer time to stop believing what the names he called me and how little he thought of me. Yet in other ways he provided, was clean, we had our own house, never any money worries, nice clothes, cars and fab holidays.

He was controlling of my Mother (still is no doubt).

I actually feel better in some way. Therapy helps so much x

Hi Smithfield!
I am glad to hear-
" because I feel nothing for her anymore and expect nothing from her"
and
"that their behaviour belongs to them and has asbolutely NOTHING to do with me"
-that is excellent news.

Having recovered and healed from the past pain is a great achievement. However, imho, that doesn't mean that you are immune from them.

Did 'people pleasing' for the counselor make you feel a little bit invisible to yourself? Just my impression.

It was so good to hear from you.
TMSB

Hi tmsb

Thankyou for the warm hello . It feels good to reconnect here although I feel a little bad coming back in yet another time of need. It feels very odd at the moment (due to recent events) but overall I really have felt so much better, more alive and real.
I like what you wrote about being able to recover but not being necessarily immune. I think that is what I am finding. That I am still feeling mentally messed up through having recent interactions with my mother. Then wracked with guilt because I dont feel that much blame for her either.
Not sure if I felt invisible because I was so far into please mode that I am not concious of my own thoughts or feelings. Or perhaps that is what you menat?

Anyway - How are you holding up? Are you still no contact with sis (toxic one)? How is your dd? Dcs?

x

'Yet in other ways he provided, was clean, we had our own house, never any money worries, nice clothes, cars and fab holidays'

Just from reading the board here, this seems to be a theme among narcissistic parents - everything looks absolutely wonderful from the outside and materially the children are extremely well provided for. I guess because narcissists are so obsessed with how others see them, everything must be made to look great, but without much effort going into making sure everyone feels great too! Thinking about being materially well-off as a child often feeds the guilt I find - I compare myself with children who are physically neglected or abused and it's tempting to think that I'm just whining about nothing. It's just the FOG though, always the FOG

My father still uses money and possession to control his children. It is never equal and it nothing is ever 'given' just lent in order to retain control. It's very messed up and frankly Im glad to be out of it. I may not have a big house and drive nice cars but I care about people close to me far more than they ever will.
Yes it is always about outside perceptions, they need everyone on the outside to think they are wonderful whilst behind closed doors they treat their nearest and dearest like shit.

Hi therealsmithfield

No need to apologise for your post bugging me all day. I think it must have 'hit' a nerve in myself for me to be thinking about it for so long. Nerve hitting isn't always a bad thing though.

I am a people pleaser too. At times any approval has been better than none for me -even well dodgy and unhealthy approval has been received with immense gratitude - so maybe that was the raw nerve you hit?

I also agree with toomanystuffedbears when she says even though we may have healed a lot of our hurt, our immunity levels can still be very low.

....and after more contemplation maybe my post was 'projecting' some of my own fears, concerning how easy it is for me to get sucked back into the madness of MY own FOO.

I have escaped before and thought myself immune...but I wasn't.

Also YY to the control through money aspect.

My Father used that as one of his put downs, claiming i lived in a FOG, was on another planet, didn't know what day it was or time or year. Claiming i was useless he hated my guts. I haven't got any learning difficulties or disabilities. Therapist says he was insanely jealous as he knew i had better opportunities.
He jealous of anybody that came into contact with my Mother too even me.

Sometimes and always i feel as if he raped me, i feel so sick at moments. For example if my forearm brushes against my breast as i type i feel sick as if he has touched me when i think about what he did to me verbally and emotionally. Another thing is he used to sit with his hand at the side of his face and say not to look at me he couldn't stand the sight of me. Crazy!I felt so down and almost in tears sitting in that front room watching tv with him and Mother and Sister. It's relief to get it out.:)

I am almost 40 years old and that cunt has ruled my life.

NO MORE CUNT - HURRY UP AND DIE - I WILL LAUGH YOU NUTCASE

Nothing about his personailty was very nice as he was so twisted as a child. My Mother colluded in his abuse and his continuation of his own warped state od mind.

TO THINK I'VE DOUBTED MYSELF HATED MYSELF
FOR HIS SHIT

I've made nothing out of my life and have nobody because of the legacy of his abuse.
He is a spiteful cunt.

2012 almost here ready to face more therapy and feel better x

I WILL BE VICTORIOUS

Anyone watch 'Bones' the TV series.

I blubbed like a baby the night they aired the episode where Seeley had to deal with his estranged fathers death. His father left him a box of 'memories' all about Seeleys childhood before their adult estrangement. I cried buckets not because they had in a way made their peace - but because I know when my lot die there will be no box of 'memories' handed over for me look back fondly over.

They don't care enough about me or my siblings to keep anything for eons as 'memories'.

Everything to them is disposable. All the kid stuff we made at Christmas was NEVER put out and was thrown away at the end of the year....nothing has been kept from our (mine or my siblings) childhoods.

This makes me sad....I want them to care enough (even though estranged) to make a 'memory' box.

Hello smithfield and tmsb, it's oneplusone. I haven't been on this thread for a very long time, but how lovely to come back and find both of you here.

Just wanted to say hi, I'm reading but not posting much.

mizzy Do you have your own little family unit? Know it sounds trite but could you make your own memory box for current family or if not for yourself. Putting it together you can tell yourself you are doing it for the small you in celebration of all things you were and became in spite of your upbringing.

goingforgoal Love your spirit. Sometimes anger used appropriately can be a great healer.

Perhaps we should start a sub group;

NO MORE VICTIM JUST VICTORIOUS 2012

Think I will print it and put it on my fridge.

Hi jasminerice Hope you do post soon. Think of you often and would love to know how you are travelling. Hugs x

therealsmithfield

I have lots of 'memory' boxes for my DC's to open later...everything from their 1st babygrows to last years homemade xmas dec's...probably have too many memories tucked away tbh!

I think that particular Bones espisode was just another of the pieces of my personal puzzle slotting into place regarding how 'odd' my FOO really are.

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am not triggered into emotional meltdown by an out of the blue something or other??

I don't mind blubbing too much though or being angry like GoingForGoalWeight - after having to suppress my emotions for so long - letting them out and them being accepted as me just having a 'moment' and not being seen as me being a silly, emotionally inadequate person is quite refreshing.

Wow, just lost a huge post!

Hi Smithfield, briefly, I felt that since you said you had perhaps put your counselor in a surrogate mother role, that you went into 'people please' mode as a reflex of childhood training. It reminded me of codependency. The reflex jumped over your entire brain and thus made the real you invisible.

I find myself in codependency as a helper. But it makes the one being helped invisible because they are then denied to live in their moment. Concepts still a little confusing/complex to my understanding.

In my reading/searching, I have come across 'distorted thinking' which I find also applies to me (a childhood/EA legacy). So my opinions could be summed up as imho or better as just guessing more accurately.

I also felt agreement with MizzyFizzy's gut feeling about your counselor asking you to "go there" in the first place.

I will post about toxic middle sister later; it is so kind of you to remember.

Hi Oneplusone! I check into Stately Homes intermittantly, but rarely post these days. It is still helpful to me though.

Yes, after 4 years, I feel that I will never heal to the point of as if it never happened. I can only evolve the best I can.

Hi GoingForGoalWeight. Wonderful post, full of feelings=love it. no victims only VICORIOUS 2012...I'm in.

RaspberryMilkshake-hang in there. Monitor your visit to try to identify the dynamics. If you can't quite put it into words, trust your gut feelings and keep a journal of the circumstances/transactions. We can try to help you identify what's normal (as if we'd know ) and what's not normal (experts lined up!). Enjoy the trip over and the trip back-it may be the best part of the adventure. I have 512 blessed miles between here and mil!

my mother thinks that I have cut contact with her because of nothing she has done......she actually said to my friend that I wanted to make her unhappy and stop her having her own life! All I wanted was a Mum and Grandparent who actually wanted to be part of our lives and not get bored when something better was on offer. Shallow selfish bitch.

I have a severly disabled child. My life has been about caring for DS for thirteen years. I was offered no comfort by parents at the time of hos birth, just a lecture in the hospital by father that i wasn't to expect help from Mother - translates into I'm jealous (again), and you might take away my wife from me. Even though I'd hardly seen my Mother more than four times that year, as relations so strained between my Father and myself. They and all the other people who have hurt me have got degrees, job, money, house, friends, holidays, nice slim figures,
clothes, memories. They've lived thier lives when I've been stuck in the past. It is hard to accept their better lifestyles, non disabled children when I've done FUCK ALL except to be born.

Favour everybody over me..

WHY

I DID NOTHING

THEY DID FUCK ALL TO GET TO KNOW ME

Hello all, I'm thinking a lot about New Year, hopefully I will be stronger next year.

I've posted here before under a different name. And lurked around a lot.

The worst thing I feel at the moment is not being allowed to make a fuss about anything. I just read on another thread about someone's toddler having a blue floppy not breathing incident. I instinctively felt so sorry for her, she must have been so frightened.

I had a similar incident myself with my toddler, but couldn't tell my family. I just knew they would look at me as if I was mad for worrying/being upset. I knew they would scoff because I'd called an ambulance.

This year I am going to be so kind to myself. That is going to be my most important resolution, to be as nice to me as I wish my family would be.

So to the other poster and to myself I say - "I'm really sorry that happened, you must have been so scared. How fortunate both kids ended up just fine, it's scary how vulnerable we all are, isn't it?"

toomanystuffedbears thanks.
Have just got back home, managed just over 24 hours in total at parents house. It was the usual challenge.
It was actually quite amazing to realise that almost every comment that my Mum and sister made to me was in fact an insult or some sort of put-down or criticism.DH was fab bless him and stuck up for me a couple of times (eg when Mum commented "your looking very gaunt these days" he chipped in that he thought I looked "ravishing"! ) My Mum and sister were very keen to keep going on about how much weight I've lost - in a very negative way. Its odd really. I have lost 4 1/2 stone over the last 18 months, having been obviously quite over weight to begin with! I now feel much better about myself and it has helped with my self confidence a lot.....but my Mum and Sister clearly dont like that!(both being over weight themselves!)
I still dont really understand all the dynamics of what goes on - all I do know is that my Mum and Dad clearly have their "golden child" - my sister - and then me! It has always been like that.
Also noticed how many horrid comments and put downs Mum and Dad made to each other. Brought back memories of sitting on the stairs listening to horrendous arguments between them when we were little.
It was weird though cause I spent some time just trying to remember stuff - it is odd that I seem to remember not much detail about my childhood - but I do remember there were some happy times - so then I thought maybe it wasnt that bad after all....then I remembered more of the horrible stuff which sort of took away the happy stuff which just made me so sad
I'm sure I'm not making any sense, feel free to ignore me , but just going to try writing some of it down to see if I can begin to understand any of it.

there'sasparechair that does indeed sound very scarey. I would be terrified if that happened to any of my dc (and I have medical training!)I would say calling an ambulance sounds exactly the right thing to do - well done you for having the sense to do that! and very glad your dc was OK.

you know what - I have hugged my kids so much over the last couple of days (always do hug them - except 13 yr old ds who runs away when I try - but I still try!) I can't actually remember EVER being hugged by my Mum - surely she must have some times ....but I honestly don't remember her ever hugging me.

I do remember her hitting me with the broom though, and threatening to attack me with the carving knife....that isnt right is it?

No it'as not right at all. I missed getting stabbed once with a fork and got attacked in the kitchen, hitting me and punching me for being cheeky.
It's not right at all RMilkshake.

My mum tried to cut my thumb off when I was 4 because I was sucking it, dragged me into the kitchen, put my thumb on the chopping board and held the knife over it ready to cut off while I was screaming and panicking to get away, the look in her eye was terrifying...I haven't told anyone the nasty horrid things my mum done, out of embarrasment/shame, and worrying about not being believed, but after reading some of the horrible things the parents of those on this thread have done I think I'll be believed here - I told my DP about my mum forgetting my birthday when I was 8, for the first time a few weeks ago and it was a weight off my chest strangely, but I still felt that I sounded like I was making it up, what parent would forget their childs birthday iykwim?

Hi RaspberryMilkshake,
It does make sense to me. I believe it is called "Death By Ten Thousand Cuts". My middle sister did this to me. The left handed 'compliments' are tricky to figure out as well.

To survive and thrive, you may need to emotionally detach from them (get yourself a "Don't Care Bear" )...but the best thing is to reduce contact until you get to a comfortable place for yourself. Easier said than done, but it sounds like you have a super dh who you can trust (you know you are on the same team).

Your mom and sister sound like a couple of 13 year olds making a point to exclude someone/anyone to validate their clique. I sort of doubt that it has anything at all to do with you, iykwim.

Sorry I didn't have much time to post today. I hope you (and dh) can detox rapidly; and congrats on your weight loss-an excellent achievement!