"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

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It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Midnight: Happy birthday, and congratulations on your resolve. People who can so shamelessly and intentionally trample on your feelings, and repeatedly, do not deserve to be in your life.

Yes, it's up to you now, and you are up to the task!

Big birthday hugs x

Sorry MidnightinMoscow...I was so eager to put my own 'guff' out there, I missed your Borthday post.

Happy Birthday from me too. x

Happy Birthday MidnightinMoscow

Thanks for your advice MizzyFizzzy. Well done on a year of no contact! Can I ask if you have missed them at all over the past year?

I'm not going to visit my parents for Xmas - a huge deal for them and for me - I'm going to the in-laws instead, which I'm very happy about. Guilt has kicked in big time this week though - I almost burst into tears in Sainsburys the other day because I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness that my parents will be dead one day and I won't be able to go visit them for Xmas ever again. And then I'll be sorry and see what a selfish brat I've been!
I saw my therapist last night and she tried to help me put it in perspective, that maybe I will visit them next Xmas and I have been with them for all but one Xmas every year for the past 32 years. So it's not the end of the world and it is ok to choose to be happy! It's bloody hard though Does anyone else feel like everyone else will have a wonderful magical time over the next few days but we won't? Feeling very excluded and rejected at the moment - even though it's my choice not to visit for Xmas, it doesn't feel like a free choice because going to them would involve taking such risks with my emotional health. Just need to keep reminding myself - FOG, that's all it is, FOG.......

Hi JosieRosie

I feel as though I should say I have missed my parents...that's that old FOG again creeping in again I think.

If I am truly honest the relationship between my parents and I had become that angst ridden that all I have felt is relief...relief that I am outside of the family games...relief at not having to visit...relief at not being judged...relief at not being physically scared when my father gets verbal at the telly... relief that I am finally allowed to be me, foibles and all.

I agree, I think your angst over Xmas is indeed all FOG. Perhaps, think of your Xmas with your in-laws as a study on other peoples Xmas's...if you aren't there you don't know how others behave over Xmas...so you just have to go for research purposes. Also it isn't fair on your DH to spend every Xmas with your parents and not his...so you just have to go for fairness sake. x

As for the magical xmas feeling...I had my best xmas last year...my first xmas of no contact...for the first time in 40+ years I got to R E L A X!

I'm glad it's working out for you Mizzy. I'm absolutely fine with spending Xmas with DP's parents - they are very sweet and will spoil us rotten. And there will be no emotional trauma of any kind and no-one will call me a c-u-next-tuesday (my brother 3 years ago) TBH I feel that DP is my real family and so long as I'm with him it will be lovely I do feel relieved about limited contact sometimes but you're right, it's the FOG catching up with me right now.

I hope you have an even better Xmas this year

Hi Josie,

Well, thanks to MN, I actually now know that there are LOADS of people having tense Christmases with awful family members, just like me, and that makes it easier to bear! I'll be thinking of all of you - my sisters in arms - when my parents get unbearable.

Thankfully I have whittled my time with them down to 2 days this holiday season, and I will have NO qualms about walking out on them if I have to. They can't FOG me anymore, and weirdly, it's making them better behaved with me, rather than kicking off.

I created my own "magical Christmas" this November and early December with celebrations with cherished family and friends, so I've had my dose of feeling cosy and loved-up. This year, I'm choosing to spend Christmas with my parents as a test of whether I can tolerate them, and of how much contact I am willing to have with them. I already know that I would be perfectly willing to go NC, so that actually removes a lot of the tension and pressure: I'm expecting nothing from them, so they can't hurt me anymore.

Good luck to all in the coming days: I'm sure I'll be posting on this thread to help me through it!

JosieRosie - I feel the same about my parents and i'm not going to see them over xmas as well, i haven't for the last 2 years. The way i see it is they know my address if they are that bothered they would drive the 90 miles in snow to see me and their grandchildren. They haven't in all that time but they expect me to do that with a 4 week old baby . I just told them i'm not go - on more than one occation - then ask if they are comeing here

Puppy, -GOOD LUCK with it, I really mean that, I know what it's like to be facing into a Xmas where you're not sure how things will go. I think expecting nothing from them is a great place to start from! I really hope you have a peaceful time

AnAir, good for you for standing up for yourself and congratulations on baby I hope they do make the effort.

Thanks Josie!

hahahaha they would never come here as its too much effort for them.

This year they have my Uncle for xmas so my sister has told my mum she is not going if he is (he is 64yo and got devoiced this year). So my mum at 70yo is doing two xmas dinners at her house one for uncle and one for my 46 yo sister and her 6yo son. My x-family is very dysfunctional. My other sister has refused to see them over xmas as she has 9month old twins and a 9yo so she is too busy even tho she only lives a mile down the road.

With some people its best to just keep them away at xmas and birthdays - like my whole x-family

I like it a lot better being just DH, me and the children, its fun with no shouting, hitting and no one gets upset or gets the hump - we just have nice normal fun.

I have the opposite problem Hope : if I didn't go to my parents' for Christmas, I know they would drive 4 hours and turn up on my doorstep uninvited anyway. Couldn't bear the implied rejection, you see...

JosieRosie - Your in-laws sound lovely! Hope you have a wonderful stress free time. x

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow - Sending you many 'strength' vibes...I'm sure you will cope far better than I was ever able. x

AnAirOfHope - Congrats on the new arrival and wishing you as much fun as possible. x

Wishing everyone on this thread a peaceful and as happy a Christmas as possible.

My parents have always been abusive and neglectful. I have lived here for 8 years my mum have been 3 times and my Dad once. None of my other family have been to my home.

Thanks for the congrats, we are all happy and she is settling great.

Thanks AnAirOfHope for your reply. I posted quick last night as I was feeling a bit low after Mother decided she wanted to see DD before Xmas. She caught me off guard texting DH if she could see her. We were out having a lovely day Xmas shopping, just the two of us (a rare occasion) while DD was in Nursery. He read out a text saying she had left DD xmas presents in porch and could she see her before Xmas. I felt really guilty for saying no contact earlier in the month and said OK to DH who then proceeded to say yes to her via text message. That evening I felt really anxious, couldn't stop eating and came on here to read some posts for support.
I then emailed her and said I had changed my mind, that I was sorry about that but please could she leave us alone. I feel guilty for changing my mind but I had really let my guard down when she text DH. I drove round and returned said xmas presents on her step. I feel dreadful about this and it is really eating me up.....why has she done this? why give me presents when I said earlier in month- no presents, please no contact ect. She asked why I was hurting her this way via email. This feels great typing this out, it's so hard to deal with.
Am I wrong?

aaagh..HELP...my mother was sent a letter by my solicitor saying that she was not to sent gifts for DD4 (who she has seen for 5 mins when she was in SCBU, i have intentionally done my very best to keep her away), DD1 and " have been to visit her (DD3 is sick) and as she shut the taxi door bringing them home, she chucked in a bloody great big pressie for DD4....it doesnt even her proper name on it, but a 'nickname' i have told her not to use......so what now? do i take the gift to my solicitor? dump it on her doorstep? what the hell do i now? can i now get an injunction as she has ignored this letter TWICE now and she only received it 10 days ago? damn damn damn, i feel so flipping miserable now.....
HELP

Can I wade on in?

yes!

Hi stuffthenonsense, I really feel for you. I would take the gift with you to the solicitor and ask them were you go from here onwards. You can't go on like this. Big hugs.

cherrycat you are entitled to change your mind. Really, you are. Just the same way that you are allowed to have your own feelings and needs and boundaries. None of this is "wrong", by a long shot.

stuff was your solicitor's letter a legal decision? If so she is breaking a legal requirement and you should definitely inform sol. If the letter was just stating your position, then you should still inform sol as a means to building up a picture of what you perceive as harassment. Leave it to the legal eagles. Do not give DD4 the present, and enjoy your Christmas.

Thank you It'sMeAndMyPuppyNow.......I have been wanting to post on here for some time. I was off work with depression and anxiety for 5 weeks a few weeks back, I read this thread back to front trying to find strength. I had 5 weeks of discovering what was causing me to feel so dreadful...my mother. I went through days of just being at home, thinking and reflecting, crying and grieving. I had never dealt with the things before....and it all just poured out into my head and onto my DH bless him. I have seen a therapist twice so far and she said my mother was inadaquate and that it was OK to grieve not having the mum I wanted.

Hi cherrycat. Realising that my parents had been emotionally abusive towards me also sent me into depression earlier this year, as it was hard to cope with the thought that I had essentially been abused every single day of my life (went straight from their home into the arms of abusive stbxh).

It's hard, but it does get better. Hang in there.

Here, while you were posting I went and found the link to the "Bill of Rights" for people like us who have been conditioned for abuse. HTH! Your therapy will certainly help you loads as you go through a few more sessions. There are some really helpful links and books listed at the start of this thread too.

The grieving/anger process is painful, but you will come out the other side!

(and just call me Puppy, it's easier)

thank you for help......puppy, i am sorry i did not respond to your previous posts, i just hit blind panic. fwiw, i too had a total nervous meltdown in 2009, therapy was fantastic after i discovered that it was possible for me to open up without being judged, though i dont know how long it will take to completely recover. you will get a lot of love on here....((((hugs))))

There is no apologising on the Stately Homes thread!

We've all done way too much apologising for being alive as it is.