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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

999 replies

garlicBread · 01/11/2011 18:18

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
Bear1984 · 17/12/2011 19:43

stuffthenonsense :( sounds like our mothers are the same! She is a nightmare. But I keep thinking, she's the one being difficult here, not me. She knows my "terms" and she's the only going on about seeing DD every week after school and having her twice a month overnight... Hmm My sister has really annoyed me as well. Her DD and mine haven't seen each other in a long time, and tbh that's mainly because I don't want DD having any kind of influence from her. She is a bad bad person, just the same as my mother. But it's niece's birthday so I said we will pop round for half hour so DD can see her on her birthday. She then replied saying "well if you're not bothered about seeing DD, get mum to bring DD". Umm no!

I've also realised I need some kind of stress relief, as at the moment my rage is just building inside me and I have no outlet. So my friend has suggested I go to GP and ask to get free passes to a gym or even a low rate membership, so I'm going to see what my GP says about that. Also, I want to lose 3 stone 8lbs which I have put on in the last year as I've had so much stress. I think if I can lose that, I'll feel better about myself as well.

ihatecbeebies GoingForGoalWeight I felt the same way. Wish I had my eyes open sooner to the way in which my mother was treating me and that it wasn't ok.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2011 20:08

Bear

I'd be cutting all contact with your sister as of now. She seems to have come out of the same mould as your mother. Feel sorry for your niece but you need to protect you and your DD.

You know as well as I do that all this from your mother is borne out of a desire to control you and by turn your DD again. She gives not a stuff for your DD and never has. This too has never really been about mediation and access; its all about what she wants and sod everyone else. It would not surprise me at all if you considered her to be a narcissist.

My guess too is that when mediation does happen she will hopefully make a complete idiot of herself.

Bear1984 · 17/12/2011 21:41

Hi Attila, nice to hear from you. Completely agree. I haven't seen my sister since niece's last birthday, but they're playing a game, by saying DD can't have her presents until she sees niece. So back to mind games and manipulation. DD doesn't know this by the way. It was said in her birthday card which she didn't read. Just opened the envelope, looked at the cover and then left it. I do feel very bad for niece, and for a while I had wanted to try and be involved in her life to hopefully help her, but as you say, I need to protect myself and DD.

I'm also hoping for this when it comes to mediation. I have an appointment to speak to mediator just on my own first and then she assesses whether mediation will be any good for us. I can't see it myself because she hasn't given me any reasons to be able to trust her with DD and as DD's mother I need to be comfortable with who is in DD's life. Like you say, she's just after control and having her own way. It's very sad. But DP keeps reminding me that she and the rest of them aren't my family anymore, my family is DD and DP, and thank goodness I have them and have some positivity in my life!

GoingForGoalWeight · 18/12/2011 22:53

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been different. Ie - we could have had different childhoods, a different Mother or Father. Husband, a different experience of something painful.

Oprah just stated this on her show, i felt it made sense, was powerful and thought I'd share :)

ihatecbeebies · 20/12/2011 12:18

That was a nice post Goingforgoalweight :)

I know that I've spoken with my lawyer and things look positive for me with regards to protecting DS from my mother, but I've not been eating or sleeping properly since I found out inlaws have been secretly taking him to see her, and now I am having nightmares about it and am in a state of constant anxiety about the whole thing. Any suggestions on how to stop this from becoming a big problem?

Bear1984 · 20/12/2011 17:40

ihatecbeebies I've said that all contact needs to be done at mine as I don't trust my mother and want to make sure I know what's going on.

I had a letter from my solicitor today with a letter from her solicitor attached dated beginning of the month. It had said she wanted to see DD for her birthday and for Christmas. Well as I said she wouldn't have come round on DD's birthday if we hadn't made her. She also put as to how DD has finished school last week (she didn't, she finishes school this week) and will be off til first week of January so she wants to have DD at hers for a few hours since we can't sort mediation out til January. She's driving me bloody mad now. My friends keep reminding me that hopefully this will work out in my favour since she's already tried not to come see DD despite her going on and on about how she is not being able to see her. But I'm going to speak to my solicitor tomorrow to see what he suggests and he's going to write back to them though she probably won't receive the letter til after Christmas, maybe even New Year, since it's taken nearly 2 weeks to receive this letter.

AnAirOfHope · 20/12/2011 17:49

Awrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I need some hand holding and a cuppa with brandy init Sad

I had PND with first child - i had counciling to get over my family/my childhood - see posts by Snowdropfairy/littleblueboat/cheaptrick for background.

Fast forward Health visitor and Family support officer filled out CAF form for my son and in the form was some info about my background and childhood abuse and my x-family. This info i asked to remain private and not given to my son's nursary or others that only needed to know about my son and current situation.

I had meeting today and new Soical workers gives out handout to everyone and (yep you guessed it) it had all this info in for everyone to read. So my son's nursary knows, the volenteer from homestart knows and others including my son's key worker at nursary Sad

The SW broke the data protection act but she has said the HV did not tell her to keep it private, i did not get a change/was not offred to look at this doctument before it was handed out.

It will change the way people think about me and look at me and how they will treat my children.

I'm deveastated and cant stop crying, i'm upset and angry and there is nothing i can do to take the document back Sad

I didn't choice for these people to kinow and it was take out of my hands to tell them - i didnt want them to know.

I'm fucking angry

liverLadyLass · 21/12/2011 00:49

Hi op,
She has broken the data protection act, you should look into lawyer and sue these people, even if it didn't say, she should still not of told/showed them, any normal human being with any common sense would of thought not to have put somebody's private past out there for people to see,,especially the nature of it,,
God love ya x

eandz · 21/12/2011 01:30

So, I'm a considered the 'bastard child' from my fathers first marriage. My mother left my father when I was born. He raised me with the help of relatives, some were kind, some weren't.

When I was 2 years old, he remarried. I wasn't allowed to live with them until they had a child of their own, so lived with an elderly couple who were relatives; they cared for me but were by no means affectionate, but I was cared for and I am thankful for it. I moved in with my father and stepmother when I was five and they were expecting my brother. My father and stepmother have had three children together. My brother and then my sisters (who are twins).

In my entire life, I was included in only 3 family pictures. I was left out of weddings, certain family events etc. Generally, things were okay, but really my brother and youngest sister have never felt like I belonged in the family. My stepmothers family feel the same way...as do some of my fathers family.

Growing up in my family home was slightly difficult for me, because outwardly I looked and acted like a part of the family, I had my own room (but I never had a bed). My parents have always lived comfortable lives in terms of wealth. I was never to ask for anything. My stepmothers family always made sure to reiterate the point every time they came to visit. Everything I have ever had was an afterthought. For example when school shopping was happening, my parents would go shopping and every year they would forget to buy stuff for me--so on the way home they would stop off and buy whatever they could find.

My entire childhood was spent in gratitude for their generosity. At the same time, I would be left with relatives who had children my age, one boy was a little older than me, the other boy was a year younger.

At first the abuse I suffered at their hands was just the boys pulling my hair and my shirt, but eventually it got to a point where they would both pull off my clothes and their mother would beat me with a hanger. My step mother mentioned it to my father, but they kept leaving me with them, and the beatings continued. We eventually moved to another place when I turned 9 and no one ever laid a hand on me again. Again, I felt gratitude for not being harmed. 

I think the reason I'm writing all of this down now is that the aunt who used hit me has sent out 'engagement party' invitations for her youngest child and my father called me this afternoon to ask if I would be coming.

liverLadyLass · 21/12/2011 16:16

Hi op, im sorry you were neglected, rejected and abused by those people,I won't call them family as family don't treat each other that way, you didnt deserve to be treated that way,, Sounds to me like they are trying to cover up what they did to you,hoping you haven't remembered,hoping you were too young to remember by stopping the beatings when you were nine.. You should report them as what they did was abuse (HUGS)
How are you know? Have you moved away ,or do you still stay in touch with them? It maybe a good idea to stay away, they do not deserve your lovely presence, your worth more than they will ever be,, don't let them play with your mind,, have you spoken to anybody about this?? God bless you xxxx

eandz · 21/12/2011 17:44

Well, I don't stay in touch with those particular relatives, but my father does. He's incredibly excited about going to the engagement party and the wedding next year.

Interestingly enough, I did ask him over skype today (I live far far away from my family) how he could go to the engagement and be happy when his sil was the one who abused me with her children and he said "stop bringing up the past, you should forgive and forget" then he laughed a little and said "you over dramatise everything, and never forget--it was such a long time ago, get over with it".

I think I've realized that I'm done with my parents and relatives who treat me this way.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 21/12/2011 20:07

eandz I am so sorry. I was more and more Shock as I read your post. Poor little girl.

Do you want to have it out with you father, for your own benefit, knowing he is likely to continue to want to bury the past and ignore his failed responsibilities towards the child-you?

Are you in a position to write off the lot of them? Because frankly, the level of neglect and abuse they displayed in the past, and the denial and minimisation they are displaying today just shows them up to be self-absorbed, toxic people who are unlikely to enhance your life in any way [understatement].

eandz · 21/12/2011 21:09

itsmeandmypuppy

I feel like maybe it's the only thing left to do (just breaking away and trying to get on with my life).

I have a dh and a ds and I look at my ds and I'm just consumed with love for him, it doesn't help that he looks exactly like I did when I was his age; at the same time I'm very confused about the guilt I feel I will face for being 'ungrateful' and the remorse of taking away extended family who love my husband and child. I already live in another country very very far away.

I don't doubt my stepmother and fathers love for my son and husband they beg almost daily to see them and speak to them. I just feel marginalized by them regarding my childhood.

fridakahlo · 21/12/2011 21:19

Loved the Ophrah quote, in pyschological terms it's called acceptance. EandZ what your father said is called minimising. Not good and not healthy. But you already know that.

cherrycat · 21/12/2011 21:22

I have been reading this post over a number of days.
I have tried to cut contact with my mum after a long period of not speaking following her treating me in a very childish way. I ended up off work for 5 weeks with depression and everything I felt and have suppressed came out from years of the way she treated me.
Does it get easier overtime?

eandz · 21/12/2011 21:30

Where do I go from here? Is cutting contact and counseling the only way forward for me?

I tried counseling for this before, but I just didn't feel comfortable with telling people in the face to face sense. I don't know what else is wrong with me. I really don't.

fridakahlo · 21/12/2011 22:41

EandZ just typed a huge reply and the computer or the site logged me out so I lost it. Boiled down, it's about learning how to implicate boundaries against unreasonable/abusive behaviour and only you can decide if there is any benefit to staying in contact.
And yes, I recommend counselling/pyschotheraphy, it really helps to untangle things. I'm still working on it but slowly and surely getting there, at the grand old age of twenty nine.

liverLadyLass · 21/12/2011 22:41

Hi op, there is nothing wrong with you,,
And yes you can move forward.. It'll take time.. Having your own child brings a lot of memories back and the realisation of what they did to you,as the love you feel for your ds, your asking yourself ‘how could they?? How could anyone?? If you have trouble speaking face to face,try to write it down and and give it to your therapist and take it from there,,
Your father is a complete twat I'm sorry,, but for him to say that to you is a disgrace and he should be ashamed of himself,, I'm so sorry he wasn't there for you and didnt protect you the way he should of, that excuse for a father does not deserve anything from you or your forgiveness..

eandz · 21/12/2011 22:57

Thank you all for reading and making me feel better. It just feels like such a load off of my chest.

AnAirOfHope · 22/12/2011 08:00

eansz - counciling help me to put it all in prespective and come to terms with what happened (along with the anger, sadness and other feelings i had about it) as nothing can change the past.

If the contact is still toxic then yes cut contact but its up to you where these boundries ley. People have different levels of contact that they accept or can put up with or want.

I live away from my family, i only talk on the phone one a week to my mum and if she starts being toxic i hang up. I take my children once a year to see them for 4 hours and they are never left alone and if they start anything my family pack up and leave without saying a word to them - we vote with our feet. The boundries of contact is up to you.

Also i hate the word "OP" on this thread as its impersonal and some people have had enough of people ingorning them, not bothering about them, not calling them the name they choise. I changed my name when i was 14 yo and still my x-family call me the nickname they chose for me Sad - i'm 30 next year.

AnAirOfHope · 22/12/2011 08:03

Cherrycat - yes the no contact gets easier but it take a lot to get their as your x-family will try different things to pull you back in and you need to stay strong and not let this happen to you.

It normally happens to me when i'm ill and run down and they call and i answer just in case its bad news and i let my guard down and then i have to reinforce my boundries again and its hard work.

AnAirOfHope · 22/12/2011 08:05

Also i love having a pleace to rant and get my haed around what i want and how i feel about the things other people have done to me as a child and now.

MidnightinMoscow · 22/12/2011 13:24

Hello.

I posted here some time ago, under another username. I have been finding things very difficult, trying to work through the relationship with my NPL Mother and my enabling Father.

But I wanted to post today, because I need to see this in print and make it real for me. Its my birthday day. After lots of fuss and complaints my parents said they would come and see me and DS for lunch today to celebrate my birthday. It was all very begrudging though.

Cue this morning, text at 05.30 from my Mother to say that they are too busy to come. She still has not called me to wish me happy birthday.

They have done this every year to me for so long. I was silly enough to tell her that I was really hoping for a nice birthday, as I have had a difficult year. Its like she couldn't cope with the thought of the focus being on me for one day.

So, this is the last birthday I am going to feel like this. I have drawn a line, although I am not sure what that means for the relationship. But, I know now more than ever that I can never rely on them for my happiness.

Its up to me now.

Sending everyone strength and good wishes.

duvetdayplease · 22/12/2011 13:36

MidnightinMoscow - Happy Birthday to you. Sorry about your mother. I am sending you strength and good wishes back!

CherryCat - I don;t know if it gets easier! I am just struggling thru the early stages of no contact myself, and it seems to involve an awful lot of contact! I am not doing well. I sent my parents a picture. My mum rang. She caught me at a bad time. I cried about something. She wants to call me Xmas Day morning....

I am hoping reading about the wiser people on this thread will inspire me. I am so useless at cutting my mum out. I feel she is pretty horrid and unsupportive but it is more an absence of nice things than the reality of horrible things so it is very very hard sometimes to quantify what she does.

Good luck to all.

AnAir - I would urge you to make a complaint at least, really poor treatment. So sorry this happened.

EandZ - you would not be denying your child if you withheld contact, if you need to do this to make you strong it will be the right thing for your family too.

MizzyFizzzy · 22/12/2011 14:30

Well, our 1 year anniversary of no contact has been and gone. It was yesterday.

The only contact from my 'parents' towards my chosen family have been 3 Birthday cards and a Xmas card all for the DC's. DC's have not been given any cards.

For background info' - Our telephone numbers for both landline and mobiles have been changed so telephone contact is impossible....and any emails from their email addy are 'bounced' back without me ever seeing them.

I suppose that means the rules of engagement are now firmly established?

What have I learnt over this time, I am wondering...

  1. The world did not end when I went no contact.
  1. No contact is far easier than continuing contact ... for me.
  1. My DH's family (GP's) have been fantastic in filling in any 'void' created for my DC's by our no contact.
  1. DC's now have a closer relationship with my DH's parents, as I am not judging DH's parents by my parents standards.
  1. I am stronger emotionally than I thought I was.
  1. I expected to 'cave in' to the FOG by now...I haven't though and now feel more determined than when I started, that no contact is the only way to proceed for us.

--------------

For everyone else struggling -

I so wish I had the answer on how to maintain contact through establishing good healthy boundaries, but I don't.

I tried all the suggestions available to me and more...but I found if the other people dont'/won't/can't observe the boundaries you create then there is nothing more that can be done, other than to just look after yourself and your nearest and dearest, for me that meant total no contact.

For any relationship to 'work' it takes both sides to be respectful, compassionate, caring and above all to listen and really hear what the other person is saying....if no-one is listening all the words in the world are nothing more than hot air. Sad