"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Same here Fizzy when i received the cards. We dread them so much and when they arrive it's just a card with style of writing we recognise and nothing more. As time goes on it the significance of it might hit you. For me after 6 years after cutting off family i'm just stunned at how little they loved me. I ripped up the cards the last couple of trimes then they stopped arriving.

xx

Odd isn't it GFGW...is this what detachment feels like perhaps??

I've done a lot of crying over the last 12 months...I think that was my grieving time...now I dunno where I am emotionally over it all.

For context to any lurkers my 'parents' have never had their GC's to tea, never taken them for a day out, never had them for a sleepover, never taken them on holiday and never babysat. So I am a bit puzzled on what exactly they are claiming to miss!

I got those dreaded cards this morning too, just another slap in the face after I've found out what's been going on.

Hi ihatecbeebies

I saw your earlier posts about you mother still managing to wheedle contact via your ex. I am so glad your solicitors app't worked out to be positive. x

Wouldn't it be nice if we could 'vet' our post like we can our telephones!

Oh i loathe those cards....not had them yet this year, but i KNOW they will come, i have had my solicitor send a letter reminding her tht it is no contact..(had to after she harassed me in the street and yelled that i was an unfit mother because i refused to let her see the babies), but last night i got a text, and she can only have got the letter monday! She is clearly set on ignoring even solicitors letters so now im expecting the cards/gifts etc....but then what? When does it become a legal problem? Is it really necessary to go for injunctions? I just want a peaceful life.
Still, on a positive note, i have just spent the last 20 mins listening to DD1 (17) and DD4 (18m) giggling hysterically playing ball....family life CAN be wonderful and im doing all i can to make sure my children have as happy a life as possible.

My Father said he wouldn't be seen outside of the house with my baby - he is special needs, lovely isn't he? . They would look after my Son but make me feel guilty about it so i stopped asking. I would go to Tesco or B&Q or something, never out on the town. I was always an inconvenience to my Mother. When i think about everything i realise she didn't like children much, never cruel but indifferent. My Sister said i was always palming my son off onto people, only my parents had my son for 3 hours max once or twice a week, that seriously hurt me she was an evil jealous bitch.
My sister caused me a lot of damage with her vile totally inaccurate accusations and descriptions of me to my face and others.

Parents and Sister dezserve each other, sick, damaged, twisted individuals. I will be OK with me and at as much peace as is possible for me. I do hope they see me one day, educated, slim, with another child, in my nice car!

FUCK THEM ALL

"FUCK THEM ALL"

Bravo, Bravo! at GFGW.

stuffthenonsense

You can block your mothers telephone calls/change your number/junk mail her emails...nowhere is it written (as far as I know) that we have to engage with these people.

TY Fizzy :) x

It doesn't feel as if i should mean it or say it the words fuck them all seems pathtic i did call my dad a cunt the last time i saw him and kicked his car after years of total submissive behaviour and silence about how he really made me feel, the C word.

I seen a psychiatrist for my therapy,I call it therapy to make it seem nicer I think?
It started when I was eight, my DH knows about it but I can't tell him everything as I feel it will mess with him and cause him to do something about it behind my back..
Even talking to my therapist I never told everything,just little things that to me didt seem as bad as the rest, I am still frightened of someone knowing the truth and being judged and hearing those words I don't want to hear, I put up a front when really im lost,and frigile,not that I would do anything to hurt myself but I have thought about it in the past,
My therapist asked me what it was like for me living in my home,? It wasn't a home for me just were I was born I never felt safe or that I belonged, I just wanted to disappear and for no one to notice me at home and whilst at school,I wasn't allowed to wash everyday and my mum only cleaned my clothes once a week so I didn't smell to good in which case I was bullied, I didn't want to be noticed just left alone,then I'd come home to mum asleep on the couch with her being working all day and starting again at ten., and I'd be left alone with him as usuall...

stuffthenonsense I'm sorry to hear that. Your poor DCs. But let's say if it did go to court, DCs could have their say and say that they don't enjoy going round all the time, and it could work in your favour! But I know it takes such a toll, I've been so stressed with it, though I'm feeling a bit better about things as you'll see in my next post...

Therapy will only work if you are totally honest. i'm guessing you felt too ashamed, too frightened of the consequences upon your current life or the emotions that would erupt.

As you know this abuse was NOT YOUR FAULT it was because of a |Stepdad and a Mother that failed to protect you.

Knowing and realising are two very, very different states. You deserve to feel peace and feel OK with you on the inside. It's time to start that painful journey with more steps forward than backwards. :)

You deserve nothing less to feel peace in your mind, heart soul, emotions let the sunshine within.

((Bear)) x

I feel better for typing it out.

FWIW, I always thing the phrase 'Fuck them all...' is more of a mind set about us reclaiming us...rather than a kick off phrase full of expletives.

Me too on the washing front liverLadyLass...a wash/bath once a week...clothes too.

I am just livid with my mother. It was DD's birthday. Mother's visit fell on the weekend before DD's birthday. She asked if she could come see DD on her birthday. I had thought about it a long time and I thought that if I could keep it to a minimal time, then it could be okay. So I said yes, said I wasn't sure about the time as we had plans, so would let her know. Left it at that.

DD's birthday, me and DP took her to cinema and had a meal out after she had been to school. When we sat down for meal, I realised I had 4 missed calls, 2 voicemails and a text from my mother saying "can you let me know what time we can come round." So I knew that she was going to be bringing my sister along which I wasn't happy about. I replied and said we're having dinner, will let her know what time we'll be finished.

On way home, I was driving, so DP texted mother to say come at xx time as we'll be back by then. When we got home, DP got a text saying "please wish DD a happy birthday. I'm not coming tonight". That pissed me off because I know she was just sitting at home doing nothing other than watching tv and she was only saying that because my sister wouldn't have been able to come round at that time because of her DD. Plus she had told DD she was coming to see her on her birthday. So DD got very upset. I texted her back on DP's phone saying that DD was expecting her.

Half hour later, she turned up, 10mins before DD was due to go to bed (she was already up an hour later than she should have been as it was a school night). I kept my distance, didn't even say hi to her or make any acknowledgment that she was there. I just concentrated on tidying up wrapping paper, and putting up the cards, and putting her presents in a pile. Then DD opened one of her presents and it was the same thing that I asked DD's grandfather to buy her. That made me even more angry at her! Why couldn't she just say to me "I'm thinking of getting DD this, would this be ok?" but nope. So mother saw me do a double take and give DP a meaningful look, and she said "is there a problem?" I ignored her because it was best for me to as I was beyond angry. I let her stay over for 20mins before telling her that DD had to go to bed and then she left.

DD asked me if I was okay as she knew I wasn't happy like I had been. I just said I was annoyed with mother messing her around and getting her all upset earlier for no reason. DD then spent about 45 minutes pouring her heart out to me, telling me everything she's ever worried about, and ending with "I just want to die". It absolutely broke me. And I know this all stemmed from my mother. I was able to cheer DD up, tell her that she has me and DP who love her very much and want her to be happy with whatever she does.

I am just beyond angry with her. How dare she... But a reason I kept my mouth shut, as difficult as that was, was because I know I can use this in mediation. I gave her the chance to see DD and she was being difficult saying she wouldn't. Yet she has the audacity to threaten me with court action so she can see DD more! I mean WTF!?

I was once told by a doctor that I need to be sure, because it can make things worse, that was the first time I'd gone to ask for help?
I gave up then, never went bk till seven year later..
I hate knowing this and wonder what life would be like if It never happened,little things like my sex life with my DH to confidence..

My therapist informed it gets worst to get better, two steps forwards one step backwards type of thing. Imagine a neat pile of ping pong balls inside that have been in the same position for years. Suddenly being moved around. Like a fluttering feeling, also may experience tightness at the throat area which is possible anger.

Sometimes i feel my ping pong balls of who i am are covered in self loathing, mushing around or balls of fire - albeit few. Therapy is to change, takes honesty, consistant in keeping appointments and most of all finding the right kind of therapist you can feel safe with. Telling anything you feel and all details of what happened to you. It might make you feel unstable for a while in a way you never experienced or cause friction in your marriage but your therapist is there for that too .

its about a different more peaceful you.

How do you find the right one?
Is it easier with a woman?

My plan was to 'interview' lots of different therapists until i found the right one. I was very lucky and found her straight away. I cannot imagine my therapist to be a male but who knows!

Good therapists offer the first session free and i think my first free session was two hours.

Non judgemental, listens, states that whatever you tell them is important and maybe the more experienced might be better.

Gosh bear, your poor DD, to feel like that...well done for coping so well....are you SURE your mother is not mine? When i first got the letter saying she was going for access, i reacted by texting the girls and telling them to go to her house aftyer school (they all refused) and at the same time texted her to tell her they would be coming. She got her solicitor to call me to tell them not to go! I tried to rearrange..she was busy...planning mediation...she could only do xx days...she demonstrated she was not interested....what is it with some people?
But bear, well done, you had her in your house and you didnt react to her..thats fab.

I thought I was the only one who dreaded getting the Xmas/birthday cards, or has had letters from lawyers to gain access, etc, reading some of these posts is like reading little snippets of my life, it's kind of comforting in a strange way to know that I'm not alone - it reinforces the belief that i'm not cruel or overreacting or imagining issues that aren't there and I'm doing the right thing to protect my son from all of the emotional damage she inflicted on me. I'd never heard of the term toxic parent until joining mumsnet but I think I should get one of the books that have been mentioned on it as the term is so fitting to my mother.

I wish i had found this thread in 2005 if it existed then :)

I want to mark my place, will write at a later time :)