"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I've been reading through the thread and am struck by how supportive you all are and the strength that shines through.

I feel exhausted just from typing the bits that I have. It is amazing how the brain can seem to bury so much emotion, I didn't realise how much it would affect me to share things I've never told a soul. Now I know I need to help myself move forward more and more is coming back to me. This has terrified me in the past but seeing the comments on here makes me feel much more calm about addressing it.

goingfor I too have weight I'd like to lose. I'd never feed anyone else the junk I put in my mouth and have no idea why I continue to poison myself with food the way I do. I hope we can find a way to give our bodies the nourishment they deserve and help ourselves feel a little healthier.

Thank you all for making me feel accepted

Thank you to everyone for understanding...it is very very liberating. I am sure i will be spending plenty of time with you all...its not often i feel accepted. Thank you.

I hope to see you here too :)

stuffthenonsense I just wanted to write to you as I'm currently going through legal stuff with my mother. I had no contact with her for four months, then there was the threat of courts, so I allowed contact for once a month as long as she came to me and only see DD for 1 hour. She has carried on with solicitors etc as I think because I gave her the green light, in that I gave in and allowed her to see DD and she thinks she can continue til she gets her own way.

So I received a letter from her solicitor. I was able to get legal aid to speak to a solicitor, who reminded me that I am DD's mother, I have the last say and that if I don't agree to something, I can say no.

We are now going down mediation which my solicitor suggested. He told me that if I try mediation, then me and my mother may come to an agreement between ourselves (I don't see it tbh). If I said no, then my mother gets rights to be able to apply for permission to be able to then apply for the courts. So we're going to see how mediation goes in the new year, though I can see it being a waste of time.

But I have every intention to make sure I stick to my guns and don't back down. I know my mother is in the wrong as much as I know she thinks she isn't, and I won't stop going on about how she is wrong until something is done about it. But I know for sure that my relationship with my mother is dead. I've known it for a long time, but now I have the right, I suppose, and the concrete ways to show her exactly why. She's made it clear to me that she doesn't care about me, she doesn't even care about DD to want to bring it to this, all she cares about is having the control.

Wow bear, seems you and i were both told the same things, i made appointments for mediation, very reluctantly as i knew that she would manipulate the situation, turn on the tears etc etc, then my baby got chickenpox so i postponed, next appointment got cancelled as my MIL died the morning of the appt and there was no way i was going to ask grieving DH to look after our baby at that time...thats when the older children stepped in and said they would go and visit her....she managed to manipulate them into a commitment to go and see her, insisted it had to be weekly and for a meal..they are struggling as they have so many other commitments..school, homework, voluntary jobs, piano lessons, spending time with their dad (my ex)..i feel i hardly see them. Tonight they are performing in a carol concert with the school choir, she is insisting on going, the girls have pleaded with her not to, but its 'at her church and she is going and thats that' which means i will not be able to go, i cant handle the stress tbh as i am 28weeks pregnant (which is why i am up at 4am) but on a 'positive' note the girls are seeing for themselves how selfish she is and how its all about her and she doesnt respect their wishes. (Sigh) enough rambling, i really hope you get what YOU want out of the mediation...answers to the past/satisfaction/clean break etc. I know this sounds wrong but i am glad i am not the only one going through this sort of thing....we can support each other, with proper understanding of how it feels. Thank you.

I didn't know who to talk to sorry, I hope you don't mind me offloading here, I'm a mess, I cut contact with my toxic mother and her abusive husband 4 years ago, in that time I split up with my ex, ds's dad, he then started contact with her out of sheer maliciousness.

Him and his family see DS once a fortnight, he spends the weekend with them, I was so concerned however, about DS meeting toxic mother than I made a point of including in the lawyer agreement that there was to be no contact between her and my son through them.

I have just found out that she has been seeing him regularly for god knows how long but a while anyway, they used a different name for her, so DS was refering to her as this made up name so I wouldn't get suspicious (DS is only 4, has ASD, and had no idea who she is as he was only little when I stopped contact), I don't know what to do...

((cbeebies))

The first rule of Stately Homes is: there is no apologizing for offloading on Stately Homes

On a more serious note: They lied, flouted a legal agreement, and used your child to protect their lies???

What does your lawyer say about this?

Thanks.

I've an appointment first thing in the morning, I'm so torn, I want to protect my son but don't want to strip him of the right to see his family either

he is unlikely to be stripped of the right to see his father.

And you are protecting him! You had good reasons to ensure he did not meet your mother, I presume, reasons that were enshrined in a legal agreement. You are acting with his best interests at heart now too.

Well we've had a lot of problems in the past, DV situation, etc, social work getting involved, so his access was rocky, then ex moved further from me and closer to his parents so it suited everyone to have contact at parents once a fortnight for the weekend, this has been going on for about 8 months now successively so I think it is unlikely he'll not be allowed to see him iykwim as things have been going so well, but the court process takes so long and I don't want DS to go without seeing the family - but then I can't trust them to not continue to take him to see her.

Oh gosh ihatecbeebies, (((hugs))), well, first thing tomorrow, when you see your solicitor, make it a priority to get a letter written to your ex, suggesting that you know what is going on, and that any further contact your mother could well jeopardise his own access whilst legal procedings are taken, of course you dont want to stop his access, but hopefully he will value his access enough that he wont call your bluff......i have NO legal training btw, just think that maybe a shock to his system will make him see reason.

Back from the lawyers appointment. It went really well, lawyer said that as I am the resident parent it is up to me to decide who DS is in contact with. He has written a very stern letter to ex explaining this and to say that I know all about the deception and I don't want any more contact whatsoever between DS and evil mother.

Now that DS knows who she is he will tell me if he's seen her or not and if he has then it has been warned that I will stop contact, and ex will then need to go to court and apparantly the judge usually has the opinion that contact is for the father, not everyone else, and if I've got good reason for DS not to see evil mother (which I do) then the judge won't allow it. So I feel so much better.

Although I also found out that she's been claiming that I have made up my son having ASD, that was quite a bad blow if I'm honest, I was quite sickened by that.

im glad it went well

So sorry this has happened to you and DS :(

So pleased it went well for you at the lawyerS

Our toxic parents/family do sicken us.

Do you wish your Mother did not see your DS?

sorry not Mother i meant DS Father..

Thanks :)

My father died when I was a baby but my mother alienated me from all of his family, saying she didn't want me to see them. When I was a bit older, still only about 8/9 so still young but old enough to ask questions and insist on seeing them I made contact but then she called them up one day when she was drunk (and I was in school so still early in the day ) and said I didn't want anything to do with them, which was completely untrue but meant that I grew up not knowing them and having very little family.

I've since met them but they are strangers to me and it is very awkward, but I don't want my DS to experience the same, I want him to have a good relationship with his father and extended family so I think it is important to maintain contact with them for DS no matter how much we hate each other

What reasons did your Mother have for cutting ties with your Father's family? :)

There was no solid reason to be honest, I think the main one was that she didn't like my gran, not that they were unsuitable to be around me or they had been malicious or harmful in any way towards me, but that she didn't like her so that was it.

I've seen this thread but didn't know what it was for until i started to read,bug I'm not sure my experiences in life as a child will be valid here but here it goes,,
My mother met my step father, I finally got a dad,then after they got married is when the abuse started, I remember it like it was yesterday,and it continued till I left home,I moved away got married had kids and is very happy because of my little family,, I never told anyone as I felt I was to blame as my step father had said so, anyhow I haven't seen my step father for a long time, until recently, at my families funeral, I didn't give it a thought that GED be there until I got home and my elder sister had texted us saying he'd be there,, I felt sick, I think we both did,, then anger ,, then scared,, then memories came crashing back, I went through lots of therapy to move on with my life so the plan was to ignore him and pretend he wasn't there as it wasn't the place or the time,, but my sister had told our uncle and I'm so angry,, I just wanted to block him out,, she had said our mum knew but didn't do anything about it,, which I don't know is right,, my DH says she did the right thing but I feel if she wants the world to know about her story that fine, but I want to forget it, but know I feel back to square one very angry,very fragile, my hubby disagrees with me and agrees with my sis, my sis and I have never spoken about our own experiences,to each other our mother taught us in life you get on with it,, and that's what we have done,, I've had problems with my sex life and trusting people were as my sis has became an alcoholic and and was very express-full with her sex life,, I don't know why or who I'm mostly angry at,, myself, my sis or the situation??

((Lass))

What awful memories you have to deal with, and repercussions.

Rather than anger at yourself, your sister, or the situation, would it help you to direct the anger at your step-father? (whether just in your head, or to him directly)

((hugs))

What kind of therapy did you have? Your inner child is still hurting and angry, rightly so. Comfort her, tell her grown up liverLady is here to protect little liverLady. Little liverLady is not alone anymore as you are here to protect her and no man or woman can get her, she is safe.

You are among friends here x

Beat a pillow up, go for long walks, get fresh air, write as much as you can here, get it out.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

Some Hitler with a clipboard has spoken to me on three separate occasions as if i am something she has trod in. I gave her short shrift this time, she made my Son cry. I'm complaining about her. I'm getting better at standing up for myself but i still felt very guilty and cried when i got home a little, saying i wish people would stop hurtuing me. I spoke to someone who told me this woman is disliked. That made me feel better but without hearing that i know i would have worried a great deal over Christmas. Also my sion's teacher ignored me when i wished her a merry christmas..she doesn't get to me as much though as their was no confrontation.
Therapy makes me feel raw inside,but crying for me is a fab sign as i hardly ever did in the last 13 years or sho, Progress! Yay :

I guess when a person is lonely sometimes little things seem a bigger deal, but she was impolite and i hate that.

Sorry for typos :)

Well, I got the dreaded poison Xmas card this morning.

It was a card of the type "For the Grandchildren...." between all three of the DS's.

It was a cutesy one that I personally would send to toddler/pre-school age...the DS's are all teens/pre-teens.

It had an emotional blackmail/guilt trip message in it for the DS's...."We miss you so very much. Maybe you will be allowed to visit soon..." type message. Accompanied by lots and lots of exclamation marks. (Not exact words but you get the gist.) Inference being that nasty Mummy is keeping you from us...

I'm not sure what's going on with me though...I picked up the card off the doormat, thought here we go...opened it...thought same old same old and put the card away.

I did this with no more emotion involved than opening a bank statement, the one where you know you have overspent a bit...a minor irritation but you knew it was coming...so glance and file for later.

I dunno, I surprised myself with my lack of involvement, I suppose.