"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Ahh yes Birthday's, Christmas cards etc. I used to get a Christmas card for my Son from Mother at these times. These stopped arriving about 3 years ago. I lookedto get the cards in the beginning as with hindsight, (FOR ME) it was as if i wanted them to be ignored by me via my not sending a card back. Now the cards have stopped coming it hurts as i know now it is OVER and proves they didn't love me much if at all.

I could never not be in my child's life.

I think IF i did have another child without severe SN i 'd make a good Mother (not perfect) , good MIL too :) be there when they wanted me to be and keep in contact. Not go to hospital when my grandchilld was born at 24 weeks and given 4 days to live, hug my child (first time for years), say is everything alright? look at watch and say oh well we're going to the cinema now, ,bye...as my Mother did....disgusting all whilst being watched by my father who then came to my room at the hospital to lecture me about how i shouldn't expect much support and \mother has other priorites, i think i had seen my parents 4 or 5 times that year.

my Father was insanely jealous of my Mother having relationships with anyone but him.

My mother is the jealous, victim one in their relationship...my father the violent egotist....and neither will leave the other, as they are tied together through their love of money.

My sister...is just beyond belief (especially with her latest scheme) and my Brother the invisible man child.....we are all as screwed up as each other in many ways....but they choose to stay enmeshed in it all...and I chose to walk away.

I want the cards to not arrive...I want to be forgotten...I want to be (metaphorically) an orphan....I want the freedom and peace....I sooooo want peace of mind.

Also looking for cards as a sign of still being recognised as part of family - weird i know - as if a card would make it alright. Even expected a letter inside but knew that would be too much for her = no letter - even Mother's handwriting seemed different, like the effort of writing the card was too much, tiny and anal.

I feel sorry for her she has lost a loving Daughter but i do wonder if i will worry about her in the future when she is older, she is 64 now, but as therapist said why? should i feel any loyalty to her or him they haven't stood by me, have they?

Hello all, this might seem an odd thing but I'm starting to wonder if my family life growing up was verging on the abusive. Maybe if I explain a little bit I could have some comments to get some perspective as i feel so confused and it's only getting worse as I get older (30 now).

Ok, I've always been overweight, even as a child, and my mother made it very clear this was unacceptable. Eg. I was often told how fat I was, sent to primary school with special diet meals whilst everyone else had a meal made by the school, put in clothes that were too small for me so I would be bursting out of them.

My dad worked away a lot and she would never say anything in front of him. When I was bullied at school for being fat it never even occurred to me it was wrong as they said exactly the same as my mum did at home so I put up with it for 5 years without telling anyone, and never actually have.

My parents had a volatile relationship, occasional physical fights and screaming arguments most evenings. I have a brother who was also miserable and my mum used to tell us it was all my fault that mum and dad hated each other but had to stay together.

My mother also used to tell me I was disloyal for loving my dad.

At that stage my parents were quite wealthy and bought me EVERYTHING I wanted. My mother told me I was selfish and ungrateful if I ever tried to say it didn't make me happy.

There is obviously plenty more but I just wanted to get some opinions really. I still feel paralysed by a constant need for my mothers approval, which I know I'll never get. I feel so empty as I can't understand how anyone could ever truly care for me if my own mother doesnt.

I feel disloyal even writing these things and have name changed for this.

It isn't right to treat a child like that is it?

I still feel overcome with jealousy when I see my friends being supported and loved by their mums which makes me feel like a terrible person.

Thanks for any comments.

I have finally managed to 'put my face on' (apply my mke-up) without looking like coco the clown...it only took 5 attempts....gahhhhhh! Bliddy anxiety and self-sabotage.

Peace and to feel OK about ourselves takes work and time. Something i am going through now. I delayed therapy for years,i thought my ordeal, trauma, self loathing was nothing as there was no violence, shouting or sexual abuse. How wrong i was, i so wish i had therapy years ago but i'm stubborn and a survivor and Mother told me never to dare to cry or think that my Fathers name calling was anything to moan about compared to what other children go through.

How wrong she is/was.

This thread after years of reading little bits here and there made me see what i went through and what i;'ve become can be unlearned and is recognised as abuse by a good, experienced, patient, understanding, caring therapist :)

Biddy anxiety LOL nooooo :)

everonwards - Yes the disloyalty..i told my therapist i felt disloyal last session and tghis is where she reminded me they hadn't been loyal to me.

I used to feel the jealousy and i'm sure if i had friends and those that were supported by their Mothers i still will, but i have yet to find out for deefinate.

In my opinion you had a tough time, you KNOW you did but need to REALISE which are two different states to be in.

Does you sibling talk about your childhood?

Narcisstic Mother?

Have you thought about therapy?

All decent therapists offer the first session absolutely free. Check out The British Association of Counselling to find a credited therapist in your area.

Write here what you want to write, i will protect you. People here do care. You are amongst friends.

What you have written is a very brave first step.

Now write more when you feel you are parylysed try to write more xx

You are NOT aterrible person you are reacting in a normal way according to how you were taught as a child :)

All can be so different if you see your GP or go for private therapy with experienced therapist :)

The journey IS NOT EASY but you'll feel better for taking responsibility for your hurt.

If you had a broken leg you'd treat that, right???

Hi everonwards

I think the general rule of thumb regarding whether you were mistreated or not is...if it felt wrong and caused you distress or upset then it was wrong.

We all have different settings for what we consider abusive...mine were set very high at the beginning of my journey 30 ish years ago.

I thought my childhood was 'difficult' but not what I would have classed abusive...now through reading, talking etc I know that actually there is very little of my childhood which was NOT abusive. I had to rebuild my abusive scale using others settings.

Whether you actually call it abuse or not IMO really doesn't matter... you feel there was something wrong and it upsets you...therefore something somewhere is wrong for you.

Sorry for typos everons, i think you are very courageous

What happened to you as a little girl IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You need to re-parent little everons, the small child in you that still feels hurt and controlled by your Mother.

You deserve peace, go forward, find it hold onto it, love you :)

Hmm..disloyalty...

I use to feel disloyal admitting anything negative about my family...now I just get cross that I am left feeling disloyal when admitting or voicing a negative opinion about them..so I suppose I still feel disloyal...but also cross all at the same time.

I think I'm a very cynical person when it comes to watching other mother/daughter relationships. I always seem to have the little voice that says 'but you never know what their relationship is like behind closed doors'....so I don't think I feel jealous...more likely cautious of them.

It's very painful process but empowering too, like a big V to your parents :)

Yes me too @ cynical i like to also hope some Mothers and Daughters must be OK/happy/enjoy each others company..i hope if i had a Daughter that could be us :)

More envious than jealousy for me, looks good on outside but isn't mostly i guess.

Too late for me to hope for a daughter...got 3 DS's and a DH who's had the snip...and tbh I'm too old to be 'babying it' again, my teens wear me out...let alone adding a baby to the mix!

...but yes, I do hope somewhere there are adult mothers and daughters who do have that 'ideal' relationship, the easy, caring, generous love that we give to our own children.

I'm 37! I got to get a move on :(

I too was bullied at Junior, Infant school for being overweight :( My ~Mother overfed us, probably showing love via copious amounts of food, hence my overeating problem now, food is love :( Children ned love via encouragement, affection, acknowledgement, being heard. I got none of that, except from my lovely Auntie. She did more teaching and parenting of me than my own Mother. Thank the Lord for her :) She knew i was unhappy and did as much as she could. sadly i do not have contact with her now, she has her own family and also out of loyalty to my Mother i guess she doesn't bother to see me even though i have visited her twice in the last 7 years. My Mother might have poisened her against me too. Bitch.

You're 37....I'm 44...you've got plenty of time yet!

From my experience when extended family seem distant it tends to be because they are afraid to get in touch with you/remain close, due to the 'fallout' after the toxic finds out they are in contact with you.

It's not that they don't like you...they are more afraid of the toxic person.

Thank you for your replies filled with kindness (I rarely know what to do when someone is kind to me, anyone else get that?)

I've just been looking on the daughters of narcissistic mothers site which has made me cry huge proper tears of sadness and relief. goingforgoalweight your comment about reparenting the younger me really has resonated. I feel like I'm looking down on the 'child me' sometimes, completely alone at school and home and it makes me feel so upset.

I started self harming when I was 13, I never admitted it but my mother screamed at me for being an attention seeker when blood came through my clothes one day from a cut that looking back on it really should have been looked at by a dr. She never mentioned it again and I learned to hide it better. It is incomprehensible to me that anyone could treat another person like that, let alone a mother her own child.

I don't really speak to my brother anymore. He was the golden child. Yet ironically he has pretty much cut her out of his life and I am the one still desperately trying to get her love and attention.

I don't trust my own judgement with anything at all and have started to become very isolated which is why I've decided to look into this now before my whole life is ruined.

Why do you think she still has so much power over me? A withering look or comment makes me feel like I'm 5 again and I can all but feel my bottom lip start to go. I can't make sense of it.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to start making my way through the thread so I'm more familiar with your stories

Oh lordy....i think i need this thread! Not sure im ready to tell my story yet but my father died a number of years ago...i was brought up to believe he was abusive to my mother, and only won custody of us because he bribed the courts (but how can a factory worker jhave ever afforded to finance that?), my experience of him was a bit distant but never abusive...of course now he is dead i cannot find the truth...dont know if courts are allowed to hand over the documents. My mother i do not have any contact with anymore due to her continually making me feel like i am the least important person in her life, refusingto believe that her bf sexully abused me when i was 9, when she started allowing other family members to bully my children (not sexually i must add) i put my foot down and ended contact...of course she then went for legal action at which point i began to realise just how much she can be so manipulative and deceitful...i have no family left at all now, they have all been turned against me by one side of a disagreement...my older children are seeing for themselves how nasty she is (and it is so sad for them) but i am doing everything i can now to protect my youngest from any emotional damage from her.
I will post more about my childhood when i can type without tears..but i once told 'my story' as an RE topic...by the time i had finished my teacher was in tears.

I am totally with you there everons, i cannot accept kindness too well, even on this thread i'm expecting somebody to tell me to stop hijacking the thread, piss off etc... judgemental, become all superior, bleurgh!, it's a fear of things that have already happened, elsewhere.

You ALLOW your Mother to have power over you, because of what you were taught as a child by your Mother.

It is NOT your fault.

I ALLOW everyone to have power over me, (at least that is what i think now as i have yet to put myself in social situations), i give my power away, except with professionals at my Son's school.

I really cannot understand how a Mother could treat her child so coldly either, but my therapist says it is as a result of their childhood or experiences, (which is pretty obvious to me), but i swear i will do all i can to break the pattern. I am protective and ,loving of my Son, perhaps a little too much, sometimes, i do not know if that is actually possible?

Adulteverons needs to take much better care of little girl everons.

Sometimes isolating oneself is a good thing, if the people around you are toxic or have limited minds.

Use this time to get better.

Then gradually you will start to feel more in control and less alone, that is what my therapist is working on with me right now. It is happening extremly slowly (where i speak to little Going), and i can feel the lost lonely little girl inside too. I despair much less and sadness is going gradually.

Peace is on the horizon but very far away somewhere. :)

stuffthenonsense it is very courageous of you :) to write your post here. I feel it is a saort of family here, family of survivors and supporters.

Don't be paralysed by your TRUTH come here share, get help and heal. :).
Contact social services ask for records.

Ending contact is something i always knew i'd have to do. Many years of agonising pondering over whether i should or should not. The snapping point came and it was sink or swim.

I have no extended family either, i want it all to be water under the bridge, be at peace, get on with my life at last, i deserve it :)

I cannot trust anybody really, my judgment is broken.

The urge to protect our children is so fierce isn't it?
Is your Mother in contact, allowed to see your children? -stuffthenonsense?

I'm still reading...but trying to xmas wrap a rugby ball...will be back later with a more constructive post! xx

Yes im afraid my eldest children do see her, i struggle to talk to them about it as i worry that by talking i am manipulating (i trust nobody either, leastwise myself, everything i say and do seems to be wrong) but i nearly had a breakdown when the threat of court came through, i couldnt hide it no matter how hard i tried (they are savvy teens) and they thought it would keep the peace...they didnt want to go through court system either (they did this following my divorce and hated it) so, for now they visit, but they are coming home with tales of a bitter and uncaring woman who doesnt listen to them.

Hi stuffthenonsense

It sounds as you've had a really rough time. I'm sorry. x

What these GP's expect to get from threatening us with court etc I shall never know...do they really expect their GC to have love and respect for them... when they treat the GC's mothers/fathers with so little compassion.

I am lucky my 'parents' are under no illusion that should any contact threats come my way, I will take great pleasure in proudly spilling the family secrets to anyone who will listen.

They do like their illusion of superiority - so me floundering around dropping bomb shells at will is not something they want to encounter at all. They also don't want the expense of court action (despite them being very wealthy) and if I'm totally honest I don't think they give fig about any of their GC...be them mine or my siblings.

They never wanted their own children (we were all a means to an end) so I am well aware GC are nothing more than an irritation and nuisance as well.

Being GP also reminds them of how old they are...and boy do my toxics hate ageing!