"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

No you didn't kill the thread....sometimes it moves incredibly quickly and other times more slowly....I would like to see that film, I'm a bit scared to go on my own though.

Please keep posting...you never know when something you say strikes a chord with someone else, so not only are you getting your stuff out, you could unwittingly, be helping someone else too.

No you didn't kill the thread. Sometimes I can't read it cos its too upsetting, other times I read but just feel I have nothing of any value to offer.

I've gone back to the original spelling of my nickname. I kept getting the new spelling wrong when I tried to log in, got so frustrated!

I decided to call my dad back. I offered to call in for a cuppa before xmas so they can do the kids' presents.

I don't know if I've done a really stupid thing. I don't know. It feels quite massive to just cut contact immediately on realising things were so amazingly fucked up. I can't tell exactly what is fucked up and in what way. I have this notion I want to see a bit more clearly what is actually going on. But of course I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm worried.

I felt a lot calmer when a visit wasn't looming. Now I feel nervous as hell. I'm really stressed because my Dad said they'd got my elder child a present. He didn't say anything about the younger. They didn't bother for the younger one's first Christmas and I'm worried they won't this year. I just wish I had a family I felt I could trust to be normal.

I shouldn't be going to see them, but I don't know how to not. I feel like such a pathetic person again.

Could it be that it is your inner child that feels pathetic duvetdayplease? You've reverted to how you felt as a child even more strongly as you will come face to face with you Dad? I'm no expert this is just my instinct. I know the feelings you describe when it comes to abusive parents. It really is confusing, upsetting and a sense of dread. ((hugs))

I feel as if i'm constantly upset as a result of this therapy. My house is a disgusting tip. I cannot bring myself to clean it up. It is as if i feel i do not deserve a nice clean house anymore. Anyway i never get any visitors. I'm scared to have a life, i've isolated myself as much as possible as i feel so vulnerable. I will change for the better it will take a lot more time. I'm not depressed my therapist says, i've never had meds or suffered with a breakdown etc just been through a lot, contradictly i'm jolly and feel OK in other aspect. I need to get to the place where i feel OK about me. I think and remember my childhood constantly and what the therapist has said, i feel it's drives me mad at times grrrrrrrrrrrrr

I want to clean my house but something is stopping me, maybe it's the self sabotage. Yes, i think it is.

My Father is still sitting on my shoulder with his put downs, ruling my life. I angrier as time passes, i wish he would fuck off. I'm 37, i haven't spoken to that cunt for 7 years, how much longer do i have to suffer? I feel as if i am paying for some evil deed in a previous life. When will this ever end?

My life is passing me by, wasted, provimg all he said about me a big, fat, thick, stupid, nutcase whom is totally useless and uemployable. I have to break free from his evil spell. Mother didn't protect me and i heard his crap everyday and lived in fear in a fun free house.

Sorry to those who are sick of me, i need this place i've lurked for years.

I fucking hate myself and i'm sick of it.

Hi GFGW

"Sorry to those who are sick of me, i need this place i've lurked for years."

I've lurked for years too under many guises...posted under other guises and still lurk....many of us on this thread have the same pattern I think...

FWIW ...feel free to vent as much as you like....for some of us this is the only place we can be 'free' enough to express any of this guff.

Let go....be kind to yourself....please don't hate yourself, you didn't do anything wrong...you have as much right to express your feelings as anyone else, whether that be in real life or here. x

ps...I so 'get' what you are typing.

Duvet

It took many years of 'training' to make us behave how the toxics want us too...it may take many years to undo our learnt behaviour...but fighting it in small doses takes more courage than most people will ever understand...so what if you visit..you were trained to do as you were told so well...it's blip on your journey to freedom....not a trek back to the fold forever. x

Thank you Fizzy, .

I've had so many life experirnces but not since 2008 i stay away from people until i feel strong enough. I wish my slate was wiped clean.

I want to let go, just have to learn how, memories of schoolfriends and people i haven't seen for years and their negative attitude and comments because of HIM still haunt me a lot throughtout my day and lonely evenings.

I deserve peace, i will work as hard as it takes to get it.

I also think about HIS death and my Mothers. I hope he goes first then i MIGHT beable to see my Mother again but i doubtshe will want me to or if she does it will be too weird or might re. My sister does not speak but she is weird damaged, her not speaking waas not my choice it upsets me as i do not have a Sister. Although she was/is still iguess very judgy called me a failure over and over.

I miss my Auntie too.

Nobody in my family have ever really stood by me, Father (HIM) never grew up as he too was emotionally abused in his childhood and was very lonely. The house i lived in as a child was the same house he was brought up in. Not very helpful if you are suffering from childhood issues.

Not very well put but it is so hard and my self sabotage is trying to stop me from telling truths.

I have felt pride for things i have achieved in the past. I do not feel proud for completing almost 12 months of 1 hour weekly psychodynamic sessions. It is strange? Also i cannot stop overeating, my weight has increased by over 100lb this year since January 2011, i am now 25 and a half stones.

I cannot describe what it is i feel. Its as if my emotional insides are floating about, nothing solid but i guess as therapist says it is the re-arranging of the ping pong balls inside. After all they have been arranged in a certain way for 37 years. Its a weird feeling, maybe also i am lighter - of self hatred some weight of that must have lifted.

I feel a bit better for posting here i do not expect replies - OK if you want to of course :) but i will write a huge amount.

but i do need to write it out here for all to see i'm not hiding anymore

i feel quite deeply i don't deserve love, recognition, happiness, respect. I am damaged via relationships with men, almost raped, been beaten up, ex used prostitutes, emotionally abused, verbally abused. mentally abused, stolen from, led on, conned, used, have a severly disabled child 'lost' my 20's lost my child in aspects, lost life with son, stuck in this house except when he is at school, almost insane repetative caring routines drive me crazy

how will i ever get a decent guy? too fat, damaged, too old soon

Can't stop feeling sorry for myself most of the time and thinking about a guy i knew 3 years ago whom i felt a connection with. I imagine he is with me, i'm just lonely, i will get better just takes time. This thread is good for me to refer back to.

Goal, I also get what you are writing; I recognise many of the same experiences and feelings.

My instinct, though, is that you probably are depressed and could benefit from medication, along with the psychotherapy. Would you be able to speak to your GP about it, and get his/her view?

My house was also a tip for a very long time, while I was busy hating myself, self-sabotaging, and worrying about a lonely future. I still have a hard time staying on top of things, but I use the Flylady's tip that "you can do anything for 20 minutes", and just spend 20 minutes whenever I can either tidying, or mopping, or putting on laundry... basically just doing ONE chore and getting it over with. The feeling of satisfaction afterwards is always worth it. but yes, getting started is the hardest part.

What are you doing to boost your self-esteem? For myself, I found that using Pete Walker's flashback management checklist every time I felt overwhelmed worked, along with forcing myself to schedule plenty of social activities. Others have found affirmations, inner-child therapy, and other things useful to them. What's your approach?

Hi Puppy, thanks for the reply :)

I'm not depressed as my therapist has been in her job since 1980 and knows her stuff! Also my GP agrees i am not depressed. I have a severly disabled child and i guess life is restricted. I am going to see a psychodynamic therapist and i'm unearthing a whole heap of blocked emotions, as i've already stated i'm OK in other aspects, i'm naturally upbeat. Just the bad bits get written here.

I am currently having a battle with my self esteem/self sabotage and i do one task per day without having to force myself which i have had to do in the last 12 months because of the effects of therapy. I call that progress!

I am re-parenting my inner child very very slowly as it still seems weird to talk to my inner child but it does make me feel heaps better when i have. It is still early days for me but i plan to book and pay for our first family holiday abroad in 2012. Something i didn't have the guts to think about seriously before. Social activities i shall arrange next year and i already have something in mind for that :) I'm feeling positive therapy is doing its job.

I have been very judged and was surrounded by people with limited minds and the fact that you puppy and others get me is something i struggle to believe :) It is another breakthrough on the horizon, my world is lighting up even brighter, :):) :)

My son is off school today with sickness and diarrhea :(

All the bad is to do with my Father and i am working to get him off my shoulder, out of my system. I do not have any friends either as caring for a disabled child makes that difficult. I can make new friends eventually when i feel OK about me. I want to go to college too but i have to feel OK about me.

i plan to join one group in the New Year, a carers support group to practice the new emerging me. In 2011 i had a few friends but they were small minded about things in my life, so not good influence. I want to be selective about my new friends and not allow anybody to walk all over me. :)

My example of self-sabotage for the day....

I have 10/12 pressies left to wrap for xmas...I want to get these done before the kids break up from school. They break up Thursday here.

So....most 'well adjusted' people would have run about doing their morning jobs...and then wrapped the presents...jobs done...coffee and biscuit time.

Me however...have managed to sort out my make up bag...foofed my hair a bit...typed on here...gazed out the window....and basically done everything BUT wrap the flippin' presents! Oooo there's the phone ringing.....

Pete Walkers flashback management - googling now :)

My examples of self sabotage is making myself seem almost suicidal on here, hoping to alienate myself from this wonderful thread, got my son cleaned up and tucked up in bed as he is unwell, rang school. ate 8 biscuits, large coffee, watched rubbish on tv and wrote here instead of doing the FRIGGING HOUSEWORK.

I feel i will do housework today thanks to you puppy and Fizzy. I swear when i get it done i will keep on top of it better as i used to befiore therapy.

I need company but like minded open minded friends are so hard to find.:(

I have started to reduce the junk food i consume in mahoosive portions too. It is a natural choice instead of a conscious decision. I eat fish and veg instead of crisps or just not cooking anything for me, pats self on back :)

I am over 25 stones in weight and have put on over 100lb this year as i comfort ate to null pain which was counterproductive.

I need to naturally find other ways of comforting myself instead of turning to jumk food. I am heading for stroke/heart attack if i don't do something about my weight. The urge for food is as bad as an alcoholic needs a drink - going by what i have been watching on corrie with Peter Barlow! I always suspected the cravings were similiar. Strict dieting will be extremly tough but i plan to reduce my junk food intake even further.

Also i am feeling more assertive. The school secretary gave me her standard reply of well sickness bug needs 48 hours before child can return to school. I know i said, i'd never send my child to school unwell! I said some parents do have common sense! She replied that many do not. I think i was a bit OTT but thats the new me emerging.

12 months of therapy, still early days many of you are much further on than I :)

I find the need for 'company' quite a difficult thing to deal with.

When I have friends/acquaintances in my life too much, I have a tendency to become very involved in their lives to avoid dealing with my own ishoooos.

I think I am a preconditioned rescuer and seem to attract needy folks like moths to a flame...for now less company seems the way to go.

I don't feel particularly lonely or isolated so presume I'm doing the right thing for me for now.

I have also found that most people in real life have no concept of the true meaning of FOO no contact so find it best not to say much.

I am fed up with hearing everything will be back to normal soon...how can you possibly be no contact for ever with your FOO....what if they are ill, old, dead etc....

..I want to say so effing what if they are ill, old,die...not my problem anymore...I don't say this though, I sort of shrug and change the subject.

Disclaimer - i do not expect* any replies or for all or any people to read my stuff :)

GFGW...stop it...

I'm reading and posting because it's getting near my 1 year anniversary of no contact. I am awaiting the poison xmas cards to the kids to drop on the mat at anytime.

I am getting as much from this thread by reading as you are from posting. x

Gosh yes! i am the same Fizzy with regards to getting involved too much. I would love a set of going out friends, for a weekend. Nothing too heavy :) I had a friend a few years ago i used to meet up with (got fedc up with 1970 themed clubs so contact tapered). Her relationship was fraught with her parents and when i told her at some point that i had cut ties with my family she became fascinated constantly asking me questionsabout it on our night out. She then would say things to make me look bad and her better, such as i could never cut them off etc... yeah cos she isn't me, i'd think!

I found a new hairdresser and she confided in me she didn't get on with her Mother. She asked me about where my family lived and in the conversation i told her i had no contact with my family, turns out she stopped speaking to her mother 3 years ago after her Dad died. She then went on to tell me at least 5 times how her Mother still comes in to her salon (wehich she owns) and has her hair done. Then proceeded to brag how she was going abroad for Christmas with her siblings and in-laws. It was bragging and she waslooking for an envious reaction from me. I'm not jealous or envious of that because i had a family they treated me bad. The hairdresser is a bit of a mess if i'm being honest. I think some people feel superior about my situation. I for ne will be VERY careful whom i tell anything to in future. I was strong enough to tell my Mother to f-off and i didn't want to see her ever again, i'm not aplologising for that. i was strong enough to make my own decision to see a therapist, i'm not apologising for that either.