"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Sorry I never came back, a lot been going on. However, today while was out I noticed I had a missed call and a voicemail message from my mum. Now my dbro, dsis and myself haven't spoken to her in nearly a week because she threw my dbro and dsis out the house. The voicemail was silent, just background noise, I was in a different city earlier today so I called my sister to see if she had had a similar message as this is a favourite attention seeking tactic from mum. My sister said she had had a phone call from mums next door neighbour who had found her unconscious and called an ambulance (this happened about half an hour after my missed call).

My sister has just called the hospital ad mum is in intensive care, still unconscious. They asked if there was anyone who could go in to be with her but none of us want to. That's terrible isn't it?

I don't know what to think now, they told her last month that if he took another overdose she is at risk of brain damage and of course I know she could die.

Oh no...

Keep posting if it helps.

It's the internal conflict that these situations create that is so difficult. There are no words are there? Be true to your own soul Magneto. ((()))

I cannot spend another night starving, bored and tired in hospital because of her. She is never sorry afterwards and always says it was our fault. It's humiliating sitting there having to tell the doctors how much she drinks and how often she has overdosed. About 6 months ago I told her outright that she will get no attention from me when she does it again because she is taking resources and doctors attention away from people who really need it, I even said there may be babies like ds who need that ambulance etc but she poo-pooed the suggestion and carried on as normal. I can't make her change

When she od's, she should get an MH assessment as a matter of course....does this never achieve any kind of progress? Stupid question, as evidently not. :(

And NO, you should not...she can not be your problem over and over again.

Just because we are "related" to certain people, means nothing.

I don't know if she's had a mh assessment I'm sure she has, I know she has seen hospital councellors who tell her how to deal with her "ungrateful spoilt" children after she tells them that she od'ed because of how we treat her

She has had psychiatrists before but not for years since i was about 10 i think, the last one she had got really friendly and she thought of him as a very good friend but unfortunately he passed away a year it so later, she never saw another more than once after that.

Guess the psychiatrist can only be as good as the information they are giving them. So if they deny they have a problem, then the psychiatrist hasn't got a crystal ball....... shame really cos I'd love to pack my mother off to one. But GC is right. I'm so sorry for you.

I'm trying to learn to stand firm ..... but is harder than it appears. So massive sympathy cos I have it so much easier than you. My mother's lobbed a tray at my Dad's head yesterday (it hit him near his eye) all because I'm being "disobedient" and he still thinks I should be tolerant of her rages at me. WTF?

Yes. Magneto,

I wonder if you can be arsed enough any more...(if not, TOTALLY understand), to speak to the hospital staff? And explain that this KEEPS happening, and it is affecting the live's of all around her.

Something similar, though not quite as dramatic, led me to discover that my mother is actually diagnosed BPD.

As a broader issue...I really do think that patient confidentiality is up for debate in these cases, given the damage it does to those who have to live with and relate to these people, and the generations that follow.

Well, talk about it never fucking rains!

I ended up at the hospital anyway as bil was attacked at work by his ex-step father who was trying to find out where mil is living (she left because he was violent and abusive to her and the children). Dh, two of my bils and my sister all work at this same place and now it is plainly obvious none of them will be safe there so tomorrow we have a battle trying to get them all transferred or they can't work there as this man lives around the corner, they can't stop him walking in again unless there is security on the door (which is never going to happen). Bil is fine btw, badly shaken, a few sprains and a headache and will be covered in bruises in the morning.

Anyway while I was there I went to find my mum, she is proper ICU, shes been in icu before but it was nothing like this, I was so shocked I burst into tears she was hypothermic and dehydrated and they think her condition was caused by the alcohol not by an overdose. I told them a bit of her history and they said she will be referred to all the right people while in hospital but I got the feeling that due to where she was and the job the nurses were doing this wasn't the right place to discuss this. She was unconscious still but they said she may be ok by morning.

My mum has always said she has "manic depression" she uses it like an excuse tbh which it probably is but doesn't make it any easier for the rest of us. I have always assumed that manic depression is an old fashioned (or made up) term for bpd but I may be wrong.

I feel sick right now, don't know how much more stress I can deal with at the moment. If my sister has to quit her job because of FIL then she can't afford her own flat and will continue to sleep on my sofa (or rather dh is on the sofa as dsis has done her back in at work (she has two jobs) and can hardly move so shes in the bed with me tonight. Plus I don't now how she needs to approach it at work, I know what I would do and what my work would do but I'm in an office and she's in retail so the regulations etc are different I'd assume.

Sorry for the great big long ramble, my head is going to explode.

Hi, can I join this thread? I hope it's ok.
It's not my family but DH's. There is only DH and his sister and she was always the spoiled one in the family. When he told me about his childhood I thought he was exaggerating as I was foutunate to have a wonderful mother and grannies and I thought there was no way a mother could make such differences in their children.
Anyway, the latest thing that has happened has left me so shocked I don't know what to do and need some advice. Our daughter was diagnosed with cancer two years ago. She has had three brain surgeries, over a year of chemotherapy and radiotheraphy. During this time they never once helped us out and never offered. As dd's immune system was comprised we never visited anyone, however MIL went mad at DH because we never visited them and his sister and that he was such an awful person for not caring about them.

Their latest outburtst to him was that we were selfish and did we think that we were the only people to have a sick child or money problems. I have given up my job to care for dd. This has really hurt me as we don't have any guarentees that DD will even make her next birthday, I am so worried all the time about it.
I have told DH to cut her out of our life as we always end up rowing about it and it causes problems with us. He won't do it as it's not in his nature and he won't let me ring her to give her what for.

I just feel like this can't go on anymore, and somthing needs to be done. She just doesn't care how he feels and wants to keep her daughter happy at whatever cost.

Sorry for it being so long, and I hope it makes sense.
What should we do now?

I've gone back to lurking and not posting recently. I don't know why. I'm mostly stunned that I've actually got to the crappy place where I had to say 'time out' to my family. I keep thinking maybe its just me over-reacting, I think that would be easier than facing the truth that they are really quite unfeeling and cold people. Even tho I'm feeling calmer knowing I don;t have to see them anytime soon, it's made me sadder somehow, as if the reality that my life is probably less stressful without them is just too much to absorb.

Magneto - I'm so sorry to hear about all those stressful things -it sounds awful. I just wanted to say you are being a fab sister, having your poor sis to stay. I can imagine it must be so tough as well seeing your mum in ICU, no wonder it was a huge shock. It is hard to see strangers that way never mind a mother (whether a good or bad one).

Toughday - so sorry to hear your little girl is unwell. I hope she is getting stronger? I don't have any advice for you, except perhaps to have some joint counselling with your partner to talk thru this issue about his family - it will be really hard for him but also he needs to understand how hard it is for you to have this bad treatment in your life at the time you need to focus on your daughter.

magneto you poor love. What a massive amount of stress at once. Regarding the work situation of your two BILs and sister, that is something they must sort out for themselves. Hopefully, the fact that there are three of them could increase their chances at a good outcome: for example, they could all report problems to the police (hope BIL who was assaulted does!). Or they could put pressure on the company to find a solution for their safety. or they could band together to enter and leave the building... There are plenty of possible solutions, and it is for them to seek those solutions, not you. You just take care of yourself, and your own decisions, and be there to listen to them and provide comfort if they want it.

Regading your mother, I fully understand you and your siblings not wanting to be involved in her hospitalisation and after-care. You did well to speak to the nurses, if that is what you wanted to do for yourself. But you do not owe it to her to fix her, placate her, or find solutions for her own MH issues.

My own mother has apparently been threatening suicide to my sister, and it makes me boiling mad that she would stoop to such manipulation. If she ever does attempt anything, I know I won't be pandering to her by sitting by her bedside: I would be too angry.

toughday you and your DH can each have your own relationship with his parents. If he's not ready to cut them out of his life, then he's not ready to cut them out of his life. However, you can cut them out of yours, if that's what you want. And you do not need his permission to call his mother and tell her how you feel, again if that's what you want. Although be warned that toxics will not take your feelings on board, and anything you say will only be used against you...

Have you read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward? It might help.

Just done a update and lost it. Anyway i have rung for counselling today, been up all night with paranoia, read how this relates back to low self esteem and I thinks its been triggered by all the mother daughter stuff ive posted about a bit further up thread, given that I am expecting a girl (third trimester) and I am wondering what sort of mother I will be to a girl, even though generally think I do a good job with DS.

well done on arranging counselling, bigeyes, and knowing already what it is you need to discuss at your counselling sessions.

Thanks itsme sorry Im not more involved in thread kinda working through my own stuff dont think I can post much sense re others still learning about this parental stuff.

But its great the thread is here, special thanks to those who have kept it going so that it is here.

Oh no, just got email from my Dad, he called round yesterday, luckily I was out. He says he'll call again. What do I do? I feel sad and sorry for my Dad, I feel like I would like to see him but I just know it'll all start up again.

I feel a bit annoyed as he just says he'll call in next time he's passing, rather than asking me if I'm up for a visit.

You are always free to say: "This isn't a convenient time" to any visits that you are less than happy to receive, doovay

bigeye and all: No apologizing for ourselves on the Stately Homes thread! We've all done way too much of that already, and have a right to be here as much or as little as we want.

Thanks, DH won't go to counselling. I tried when DD was having chemo as we were having marriage problems due to the stress of everything going on and his way of dealing is just shutting everyone out. I thought maybe him discussing things with someone else would help but he wouldn't go for it.

I have ordered the book and hopefully it will give him some way forward. I can understand that he doesn't want to cut her out of his life as she is his mother and if something happened her he would feel guilty. It just makes me so angry that she treats her children so differently, and he just puts up with it. He says that its always been like that and she will not change now.

Hi to all the newcomers! I shall get round to catching up on this thread this weekend as haven't been able to recently.

Just thought I'd say, spoke to mediation today. I'm seeing the mediator in January as we couldn't do before Christmas, and I'm speaking to just her to begin with. At first I thought least I don't have to worry about it til after Christmas and New Year, but nope, I'm sat here with that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had during the whole solicitor wait as well. I'm just getting angry and nervous and wish I'd stop :(

Having psychodynamic therapy. Emotionally it has been very painful. Started January 2011. Put on over 100lb in weight, overeating, feeling a bit better. Cannot describe how. Highly recommend therapy. Feeling i am getting somewhere. Long way to go. Abusive parents, emotionally and verbally.

This thread i have follwed for some years.

These threads helped me to see therapy was my way forward.

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

I'll be back with more information soon.

I think you are all wonderful x

*THANK YOU for sharing i mean, it has made me realise it was actual abuse and i was a very lonely, emotionally, abandoned child. So many of you have had similiar experiences as I. Gosh it's so hard towrite about. I may keep rambling here if that is OK?

I really need to :(

I cut ties with my parents in 2005.

Go ahead and ramble, Goal! There's always someone here listening.

I feel the same way about this thread....without sounding melodramatic, it has quite possibly saved my life.

xxx

still here. just saying. Maybe in the new year I'll add to it a bit more.

Think i killed the thread?

I'm feeling as if all my emotions are new and experiencing for first time... Must be the re-educarting, re-parenting of little 'Going' in Psychodynamic therapy.

Went to see movie, 'My week with Marilyn', I empathise with her abandonment issues. I had tears streaming down my face in the cinema this afternoon.

I think i play the victim....