I've been reading all your posts, and it helps. I no longer feel completely crazy. But I'd love some advice from people who have been / are there.
I am in the weird position of having a mother who can be lovely, as long as I do everything the way she wants, appreciates her how she wants to be appreciated, and everything is going well. But, its like living with a stick of dynamite in that you never know when it is going to blow up. If something goes seriously wrong for me (eg. I got stalked) she accuses me of ruining her life. When she's in the mood she can do sympathy, or be nice, but then you need to follow her advice. If she gives me a choice, you have to choose the one she wants you to choose or heaven help you. She can't remember what she says when she goes off on one, so she denies she ever said it and apparently I make it all up. She says insults in one breath, then the next day asks why I lack confidence. She has also told my daughter it is no wonder she is so vile when she has a mother like me - my daughter is only 5!
She spent so long (years) telling me she wished she hadn't had me and I ruined her life that in the end I lost my rag as a teenager and told her she should have had an abortion - oh boy - not a good move. I've spent most of my life having to pander to her, and apologise for existing to make her happy so she would talk to my father - Dad would go on and on until I gave in for an easier life and said whatever it was that she wanted me to say. If I didn't then we were both vile pigs, I was a bitch etc etc.
Now I've got a child, I don't want her to learn those patterns of behaviour. So I dared to tell her that if she wasn't able to keep a lid on her temper, then I would have to spend less time with her because I couldn't take it, and the stress was /is affecting my relationship with my daughter. She was quite entited not to like me, but not to shout abuse at me. And that I didn't want emails telling me how nice I was, if the previous day she was telling me I had ruined her life, was causing her so much distress that she can't carry on any longer etc etc (The most recent outburst was because I wouldn't agree to go to the theatre the night before I was due to be driving south without consulting my husband - but I did say they could definitely take my daughter if she wanted to book tickets that afternoon - which was one of the two options she offered, but not the one I was meant to take....)
Anyway Christmas is now off - couldn't care less about her, but I do feel sorry for my Dad. He gets Xmas without my daughter, and I feel like I am punishing him, because I can't take my mother. She was threatening to go on a cruise on her own for Xmas - oh I wish she had, but apparently she doesn't want to go on her own!
After 35 years my Dad has finally questioned whether her behaviour is acceptable to her face - but that is because he was staying with me, when he saw the effect of her on the phone, and the knock on effect on my daughter. The worm is starting to turn, so she is laying into him in style. So he is back to being worn out. The thing is I want a relationship with my Dad, and I can sort of cope with my mother if she would just keep her opinions to herself and not go off on one, and not override me with DD. But I don't know how to achieve it. He was meant to be coming skiing with us, and she wanted him to go, now he isn't allowed. All over me not agreeing to go to the sodding theatre when she wanted me to go! Sorry this is so long - but I seriously need advice.