"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi scifi , congratulations on your pg !

I can just give a hug and tell you your son will not be like your brother .

For a start he will be born to a loving couple . Both you and your dh sound lovely ! I'm sure you will be great parents ....after all you have the perfect example ....just do the opposite to what your mum did and you will get it right!

Your brother was raised by a twat who idolized him and victimized you . Your son has you and dh who will raise him to be just like you two (lovely)

Your son has 50% DNA from your lovely dh ...so he's got very little from your bro - your brother won't have exactly the same DNA as you , so is obviously missing the "good" bits and has " nasty little twit" bits he inherited from your mum instead ....your son can't have them as you didnt.

You won't have the mother /daughter thing (yet) but you will have a fantastic wee boy . Sons are great fun and there's less faffing about getting them ready in the morning ! And if you do have a wee girl later on , she will have a lovely big brother to look after her !

Hi scifi , congratulations on your pg !

I can just give a hug and tell you your son will not be like your brother .

For a start he will be born to a loving couple . Both you and your dh sound lovely ! I'm sure you will be great parents ....after all you have the perfect example ....just do the opposite to what your mum did and you will get it right!

Your brother was raised by a twat who idolized him and victimized you . Your son has you and dh who will raise him to be just like you two (lovely)

Your son has 50% DNA from your lovely dh ...so he's got very little from your bro - your brother won't have exactly the same DNA as you , so is obviously missing the "good" bits and has " nasty little twit" bits he inherited from your mum instead ....your son can't have them as you didnt.

You won't have the mother /daughter thing (yet) but you will have a fantastic wee boy . Sons are great fun and there's less faffing about getting them ready in the morning ! And if you do have a wee girl later on , she will have a lovely big brother to look after her !

Ok been dithering about on this thread for last hour, have read bits. I dont know if I am in the right place or if its apporpriate but I dont have a 'story but I have bits that I want to get off my chest..

I dont actually like my DM much sometimes, a recent distant family member died and I found myself wondering how I would feel when she dies, followed by guilt for thinking this at all.

I have been majorly pissed off and hurt when she made nedgative references about what I was like at school 'oh this one ...' when all immediate family around table, never mind the fucking degree and successful job - my degree apllication was preceded with - how can you get on that to do...?

During teenage years telling me during an argument that she wished I had two like me when I grew up to have kids - meaning I was so bad, I remembered this when I was pg with twins

Your were a cow for packing a carrier bag and pretending to send me to the childrens home

For taking so much stress out on me during teenage years re bills etc. Even I could see how shit you were with your money and you still are.

You made it difficult to want to see dad without fearing you comments and I think you destroyrf any potential for DB to have a relationship with DF (who I know wasnt perfect) but you were the one we had to live with and feel guilt about - AND you still made me feel guilty about this when I was 29.

Ans no I didnt have enough fucking uniform that fit properly during the last few years of comp - which I was never encouraged about and you didnt always have meals organised or cooked.

Oh and when I joked about a guy looking at me when I was in my swimsuit (having lost weight feeling good about myself) its quite nasty to reply what looking like that or words to that effect - another put down

That will do for now. I know she was there for me when things have been bad and ive needed her support to be in my side etc but sometimes she just sits on the fence. Two years ago I went through the most traumatic time and she never came to stay, i was desperate, all my friends couldnt believe it - it is this I remember when my DC2 due soon will arive and I dont want you here as I want it just us four (plus not practical).

And the world doesnt owe you a fucking living, little poor me story iw v thing now

I am 36. Yes you might have done a lot of stuff and on your own, but by god you have been nasty in your put downs and downright embaressing in front of my friends.

Sorry I did that post v quick before I lost my nerve and it has errors in it.

Thanks Droves!

Scifi, you'll be fine. I too was scared, I had two boys, followed up by twin girls and was terrified that they were going to be like dsis. They're not, they're funny clever and loving. As it turns out, dsis and I have chatted recently, and she agrees that dm is NPD and she was equally manipulated. Try to enjoy your pregnancy and not worry. I know I'm a better Mother than mine, and because you are concerned, you will be too.

Oh scifigeek I want to give you a massive hug!! You will so not not not be a crap mother! My first was a boy, and I'll tell you what everyone will echo-all babies are fab of course, but boys (IME) are so soft and affectionate(massive generalisation I know), you will adore him! My little girl is also gorgeous and wonderful btw, but I do relate to your fears-I had those fears with her, but I suppose as I had already had a baby and knew how bloody wonderful it can be, I was not so fazed(for me the fear of me being like my mother has always been stronger with her ie my DD)

Look, remember this-you will NOT be like your mother was with you and your brother because you have awareness about your situation. You are looking back with fear at your childhood and imagining the worst. Understandable because you are teetering on the unknown-a new baby!! "What the hell do I do now" kind of feelings.

You will(I can guarantee it!) feel so differently once your beautiful boy is here. It will all fall into place. This is not daft romanticism-I've now seen many friends (and myself of course) who come from bad (parental) beginnings transform themselves by becoming parents. I hate to think of you missing out on one second of the joy they bring. And nobody knows anything "practical" about babies til they have them, forget that. Just read some books, talk to people, then take out the bits of advice you like and discard the rest. It will all come.

You can't "put right" what your mother did, you can only come to accept it and move on from it, build your own lovely little family and revel in it.

No one will judge you on here xxx

god you're all such fast typists!! I am in awe!!

Welcome to the thread bigeyes !

I'm sorry you were made feel so bad.
It wasn't your fault .
You should have never been made feel guilty for things , you were just a child/teen .
I'm sorry you didn't get support you needed .

You have found the right place , we understand and you are valid in how you feel.

I bet as you read our stories , you recognized some of the actions our parents took , as they will have mirrored your mothers ? .

Big eyes, if you were a wee bit older, I'd think we were sisters!
What is it with all the fantasists? My mum always tells everyone how we always had amazing meals on the table, every night, but in fact it was only if I cooked them, when she did it, (usually if there was a visitor) we had the odd casserole, but more usually bread and jam. My Mum seems to live in a complete fantasy world in which she and my siblings were perfect and I was the difficult teenage bitch from hell. Only it was me that got them to school on time, did breakfast, did dinner and hand washed her and their clothes. She always goes on about how hard it was with a 'difficult' teenager, and being a single parent, but she did sod all.

Rhinestone ...tip for you ...tell everyone the baby is due 3 weeks later than is. That way dm will probably not be arranging stuff for around so she can be in control around.

My mother demanded that she be allowed in delivery room when sis was in labour ! She told sis's dh to wait outside ! ...midwife chucked her out .

So remember the midwife is there to make sure you are happy and stress free as it helps toward a good labour ...they can be effective blockers against toxic intrusions.

Thanks droves. I dont even feel tearful at writing that and reading it back as I have realised that while I was generally cared for well given circumstances and didnt have a particularly rough ride as childhoods go when thinking about others i knew or have read on here, what I do know is I wasn't brought up feeling valued, celebrated (when it arose) and realised this as an adult who now has a DS6.

I know parenting has changed but making your child feel, anxcious, fearfule of moods and putting them down is a negative aspect of parenting no matter what day and age and damaging.

If I am not feeling too great about things in my life say bad day at work my defalt setting is insecure and anxcious.

Thanks for your comments droves

Bigeyes , it sounds like you had emotional abuse ...all your physical needs might have been provided for , but if you grew up feeling unloved , and not good enough it's still abuse.

It doesn't hurt any less .
(hugs)

Dawndonna - oh yes I remember getting wrong off her for mentioning the lack of meals to DGM. She cooked two meals following this one for that night and the next then turned round and said I could report back. It wasnt always like this but when it was like with other aspects I got the nasty brunt of it.

Oh and I want to add about her attending an event for a students work, but didnt attend mine, what the colege staff must have thought. Or only comming to see me play a sport I played for 5 years ONCE. I know these arent exactly damaging directly in an emtional sense as she didnt favour DB over me in this vain, but I look back and think you could have made the effort. It seems clothes, food and a roof = parenting at times, hence relating to title of thread.

And its not ok to shout slam doors when Im 23 visiting with boyfriend effectively throwing a tantrum and to make me feel so guilty for doing stuff with this other family who I lived with and make bitchy jealous comments about them, there home - you made visiting you or living with you realy really attractive.

My good god. Thanks for this space.

Thanks again, corssed posts too.

I always thought I grew up ok, was brought up decent, like taught manners etc, not allowed to 'dress common' and we did eat decent meals when she was not stressed and organised (fruit n veg etc) So because I didnt have any physical or sexual abuse or what I think would constitue neglect (as 'she was always there for us, yes maybe you should have gone out more)

I think she did her best under circumstances, but with memories like these it wasnt good enough at times. Then I feel guilty but also remember how people would think she was 'salt of the earth' and on one occasion was told by someone she knew to look after her more and not cause her grief.

My DGD and DGM used to tell me how much she loved me but I cant remember having it told to me or said anything which indicated she was proud of me. I did get the obvious congrats when I got a job and or graduated as you would do normally.

I do have plenty good memories and there are things I admire her for that i thik set us a good example without realising it. I trying to be fair. I think its hard as DH and I have a v good standard of living (not flashy or 'big') but we can afford things for DS our parents never ever could have for us like swimming lessons, and by god when he achieves his badges its high fives and certificates are carefully put away.

Did a huge post to Rhinestone droves and scifigeek but computer refreshed itself and I lost it. I was only going to echo what others have said anyhow.

scifi I do think that the fact you are so worried about turning out to be a parent like your DM speaks volumes. You can see what she has done wrong and have learnt from her mistakes. Strive not to be like her and you won't, that's what I have done. My eldest is 12 and I'm still learning parenting as I go along.

I didn't find out the sex with DC2 but was petrified if it was a boy. I didn't know what to do with a boy and worried myself sick. I didn't bond with bump at all. When DS was born he was happy and healthy and that was all that mattered. I loved him as soon as I clapped eyes on him.

Could you perhaps discuss your fears with your MW?

Ooo lots of posts to get through!

mampam I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. It sounds like the thing my mother would do. I have been expecting her to just turn up at DD's school, so I know how you feel. I'm sorry you had to explain what has happened with your DD. I've been trying to avoid telling mine anything although I know my mother has been dropping hints. Thankfully DD comes straight to me to tell me anything that she doubts or thinks is wrong. How awful for you with how your mother and your step father treated you during your pg.

Dawndonna WTF? That is bonkers. Hope you have a fab birthday next week anyway without her bothering you!

droves I am so shocked about what your mother did during your pg!

scifigeek you sound a lot like me in terms of being geeky and socially awkward. I'm very quirky and weird, and spent a long time trying to embrace it and be happy with myself. As in regards to your feelings about having a son, I was terrified when I found out I was pg with DD as I didn't think I could be a good mother, that I would be like my mother. But what I realised was that I knew how to not be a bad mother, I knew how I wanted to be treated. It made me a good parent, and I'm always complimented on how well I've raised DD and I raised her as a single parent. As already mentioned, because you are writing it down and being aware of your feelings and being okay to admitting them on here, that it shows you don't want to be like your mother and that you will make sure your relationship will be different to what it is between your mother and brother.

bigeyes well done for posting that. Do you feel a tiny bit better for getting that out? I've written countless letters to my mother that have never been read by her, but helps me get stuff off my chest and to have it done in black and white.

Sorry very quick posts but just wanted to reply quickly.

Goodmorning ladies ! .
Hope everyone is having a good day today !

Ive had some exciting news , and i want to share my positive mood !

Yesterday i checked my email , first time in weeks . I have had an offer of a place on the design course i wanted to do !!!. I sent off the acceptance and am now looking forward to starting next summer! .
Its a wee bit away , but gives me time to work on portfolio some more . Have an assignment to do already ( as part of the condition of acceptance ) , but am raring to go !

Massive two fingers up to the toxics ! .

...FUNNY THING ALSO ....i was down shops this morning and found myself looking forward to xmas for a change . I NEVER feel like that EVER .
Anyway , have decided to go with it , as i might as well try to enjoy it ...will be spending it with Dh , the kids , and my lovely PIL`S. Have invited them down for dinner , drinks and general crazyness . Mil is bringing soup and trifle !!!! .

That certainly sounds like a Christmas to enjoy, droves.

And CONGRATULATIONS on your course!

Pia , im so sorry you had that ordeal to put up with today .

Your mothers comment toward your ds , is clearly a nasty dig. What a vile thing to do ...using a child to get at you . She is desperate because youve taken away her " npd fix " by going nc . This is why she is being vile/acting victim. pathetic isnt it when you realise why they do this ?. Expect more toxic tantrums and attempts to draw you back in !

Your step-dad sounds a bit pathetic , as most enablers do...why cant these people grow a pair and admit they married a bitch?. .

Your baby girl is very lucky to have you for her mummy . Dont you ever doubt that .

I hope your ds has a lovely birthday tomorrow , and you really enjoy the day .

Hello all, hello new posters.

Pia - I am also blue just now. Your paragraph about what more did your mother want - I have discussed exactly this with my friends and family so many times. I guess there is no answer to what more did she want - because it isn't about you, or me, it's about them.

Your little girl will have a fabulous mum, she will love her big bro but not need him in the way your mum implied. Take care x

droves well done! Yay for you.

piahigsy how awful for your SF to be like that and then for your mother to just pop out of nowhere. My mother is the same, looking at herself as the victim and I'm a terrible daughter and terrible mother to DD.

I haven't heard from mediation since they called on Monday, so I'm wondering what's going on. I'm wondering whether my mother is a bit worried now and whether solicitors was just a way to scare me, but now I've called her bluff. She's calling tonight apparently so I'm half expecting her to want to speak to me regarding it all.

pia

You'll be a lot happier with that toxic twosome in your day to day lives. Narcissists can be truly awful people; toxic parents as well more often than not become toxic grandparents. Your stepdad has certainly acted as the bystander with that dysfunction out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I wish you all the very best with the rest of your pregnancy.

Bear

No harm in contacting Mediation; I would be on my guard though still as your Mother will no doubt try and manipulate any mediation service that is offered to her. This was all done I think by her to manipulate and control you further; she never has given any thought whatsoever to her granddaughter.

Droves

Fab news indeed re your design course> I think you'll do fabulously!!:)

With best wishes

A

Pia

Apologies re typo in sentence, it should of course read without rather than with.

Am still getting used to keys on this laptop.

A