Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

999 replies

garlicBread · 01/11/2011 18:18

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
lolaflores · 24/11/2011 17:22

Hello all,
got to say that everything everyone has said is making deep impacts on me currently. having kept mother at distance for a while now, she is back with the usual nastiness. Her current comment "Well, your sister has split up with her girlfriend but is just getting on with it. You know, maybe if you had all been gay I wouldn't have had to put up with so much"..I said that if it made her life any easier, we could all go gay. None of us would want her to suffer unecessarily. I suggest she could adopt a few of my male gay friends and send us to some sort of orphanage.
I am laid up with an ongoing back problem. She hasn't offered to even come round. I live 15 minutes on foot away. She hasn't seen my dd2 in over 2 months. But, according to her, we keep on loading her down with our troubles and mithering her in general. Just now I am at a complete loss. She doesn't want to visit cos the house is so dirty and untidy....sound familiar ladies?

Bear1984 · 24/11/2011 19:10

piahigsy speak to your GP. You can usually get about 6 free sessions and then they assess as to whether you need more. I had my first session a few weeks ago and just spoke throughout the 50 minutes I had as things just kept coming to me once I began to speak.

As thumbelina has said, I have been going through all sorts with my mother in terms of access, so I'll try and give you a quick summary. I stopped my mother having contact with DD for 4 months. I then felt pressured to allow contact with DD as there was talk of solicitors and courts, so I allowed contact once a month for an hour at ours so I knew what was being said and done. In all honestly, I'd rather her have no contact at all and wish I had kept at that. However, even with having contact with DD, my mother has now gone to her solicitor and told them that she wants DD once a week afterschool and twice overnight a month. Pfft, her own father doesn't even see her that much!

I've been to see my solicitor and he gave me advice that I think is important for us all to remember.

He said that my mother has no rights as a grandparent. He said that I need to remember that I am DD's mother and that I have the last say. He reminded me that I have the rights to say no to something I don't agree to.

In the letter from her solicitor, it had said that she doesn't mean to or want to undermine me as a parent, although I pointed out, and as did my solicitor, how going down the path of having solicitors involved IS undermining me as a parent.

We are currently waiting to do mediation, as the solicitors are hoping we can come to an agreement through it. But I know the only reason we are going down this path is not because my mother is desperate to see DD, but because she wants to gain control over me again. I've stood up to her and said no, so she's doing whatever she can to be back in the driver's seat.

My advice would be to keep the voicemails if you can, or record them to be able to save them. Keep a diary of any comments or anything she does or says so you have a track record. It is awful, and before I spoke to my solicitor, I was in terrible FOG wondering whether it would be easier to just give in. I'm glad I didn't. My regret so far is allowing her back into our lives by letting her see DD once a month, particularly since it's come down to solicitors anyway! I might as well have just kept her at a distance. But since being able to control when I or DD will see her, I have been able to control the FOG better. I feel it less and am more prepared for her, particularly since I'm totally emotionally detached from her now.

HTH and good luck :)

piahigsy · 24/11/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 24/11/2011 19:44

Hi everyone.

I'm so glad this thread exists. It's Thanksgiving where I am today, and I want to give thanks for this community, and to each of you for everything you share: your feelings, your advice, your experience, your encouragement. I wish for each of you to find her core of self-belief and let it guide her through all things in life.

Started talking to my sister today, saying "I don't want to go home for Christmas." It was like talking to my enabler Dad: you can't do that, you should be with your parents for Christmas, how will they feel, what snowball effect are you going to start, family is important, just put up and shut up for a couple days, I worry about you being alone for Christmas... By the way, she herself isn't going to our parents' for Christmas. Hmm

So, she's not ready. She still lives in the FOG. Whatever. Perhaps speaking to her is in fact good practice for speaking to my parents: an exercise in staying centered on myself while a person still enmeshed in the dysfunctional dance rails at me for stepping out of my role.

Bear1984 · 25/11/2011 19:11

piahigsy I hope so! I have my moments, like before I saw my solicitor, where I feel just consumed by the FOG, but now I'm in control, I feel I can control it better. Good luck with the counsellor!

Puppy I hardly think your sister has room to talk when she isn't even going to be with your parents for Christmas!

an exercise in staying centered on myself while a person still enmeshed in the dysfunctional dance rails at me for stepping out of my role

That says so much to me. I have stepped out of my role as the scapegoat/punchbag/failure, and the family are trying to do whatever they can to throw me back in there.

I was talking to one of my best friends today, who knows I have a terrible relationship with my mother. She said about how, though she's never met my mother properly but has spoken to her on the phone, my mother likes to be in control and that rather than having been someone who should have supported me being a single parent raising DD on my own, she decided to swoop in and take control and try and call the shots. And the way that she was speaking with DD would have made DD become a difficult child as she wouldn't know what her boundaries were, or what discipline is, in the sense that my mother told her to never listen to me if I told her off or to do something and that she should just ignore me. It really helps to hear it from someone else, a bit like you Puppy with your aunt and uncle.

longdays · 25/11/2011 19:54

Sorry all have been away for a while.

Thankyou all for your replies to my post. I have been reading your posts re feeling guilty about posting on here and it really rings true for me. I often feel that other people would say that I was overreacting or being too sensitive etc etc.

When i talk about my childhood I often feel a bit like I am boasting as though to prove that I am a strong person when I am anything but. For instance my Dm likes to tell me that "I don't know how lucky I am" as when she had a young baby (me) she was working in the evenings with my dad on the farm. So I asked "where was I?" Her answer was that I was in the lounge and she used to come back and check on me every 15 minutes. She then went on to say but you weren't neglected! She then had my 2 sisters and she admits that me and my middle sis brought up our youngest sister. I remember being left in the lounge shouting out of the window for them to come back. Thing is though I don't know if this was normal then (mid 70s, rural community) or not.

Anyway back to present day.
Last week my mum called as she hadn't heard from me for a while (it had been 10 days) this is the woman who didn't speak to me for 8 weeks after my birthday until I cracked. She obviously forgot that I had called her and when she answered she couldn't wait to get off the phone as they were on their way out of the house. She then demands to know whether I am being "one of those idiots who is going to strike next week"
Then last night, they rang again. As it was so soon after the last call I automatically assume I have done something wrong and am in trouble (this isn't normal is it?) My dad is the one who has rang, (really convinced I am in trouble now) anyway they are coming to visit in Jan. The reason for the visit is that they haven't seen us in 12 months (after my bday) he then went on to say that my DD wont recognise them. Aargh must prepare for their arrival.

Anyway, another thing that I have realised is that last night my DH was talking about his dysfunctional GM who didn't hug him or his brothers as they were boys. I just answered that we never got hugged at home either, DH asked "what, not by your parents?" I only realised how sad that is this morning.
Gotta go, hubby home.

Bear1984 · 28/11/2011 03:17

longdays I know what you mean in regards to feeling like you're boasting about how strong you are. I think because when I tell someone new about my past and that they're so shocked, but I've got to a point where I'm okay with telling it like it is, that it may not come across genuine or that I'm just exaggerating. DP was like that when I first told him, but then he met my mother and quickly realised I wasn't exaggerating at all. Could you not put off your parents coming to visit or make it a brief visit? It is sad not having any act of love or affection from the very people that should be the main provider of it throughout our lives :(

I've had a very bad couple of days. I ended up breaking down completely today at DP. I've been bottling up my feelings and so it just came pouring out. DP has said he'll pay for me to see a counsellor, as I'm about to start a job and I have to work on the only day my current counsellor can see me. I'm hoping I'll be able to see someone else, but not sure how likely that is. We shall see on Tuesday! I've been put on sleeping tablets as well as I've been struggling to sleep. I didn't take one tonight as I wanted to spend some time with DP as he leaves again tomorrow, but it's now 3:15am and I'm still wide awake and wishing I had taken at least half a tablet. We also ate quite a lot so feeling a bit bloated and have a sore stomach which isn't helping me with my sleep! I think I'm just feeling very blue as with all the crap I'm getting from my mum, DD has been difficult this past week, DP is only home at weekends, I have little money at the moment and have no idea how I'm going to get any presents for Christmas, as well as DP and DD's birthday which is also in the same bloomin month, plus I'm being chased up by two bills that I can't afford to pay at the moment, although I went to see CAB the other day for advice and who spoke to them, but when I spoke to them, they told me a different story! Frustrating and exhausting! Hope everyone else is having a better week!

Bear1984 · 28/11/2011 17:22

Quick update. Mediation called today. She's contacting my mother to see if she's happy to go ahead with it, but she wanted to ask first if she would know about it. She'll call back once she's spoken to her and then we'll make an appointment. Feeling a bit apprehensive now.

Rhinestone · 29/11/2011 22:08

Hello Stately Homers,

Another one wanting to join here please! I started my own thread about this recently and was advised to post in here. Basically I recently found out I'm pregnant, very early days but DH and I very very happy!

The issue is I'm now feeling very stressed about telling my parents, albeit in a few months time after all the scans etc. Actually in all honesty, I'm terrified. I'm waking up in the morning and it's the first thing I'm thinking of.

This would be first grandchild for them but I know they've been desperate for GC for years. However they are very very controlling and my mother is NPD-type and I just know this would be the start of a whole new era of interference in my life. For example, I know they would expect to be our childcare but that's just not going to happen!! However it's going to be a battle. And I know they're going to want to know all about my pregnancy but I'm just not happy about that and they'll want to come and stay after baby is born etc.

I know I need to set boundaries but I don't know how. Well I do but I'm just so scared of the confrontation.

Background - my mother is a classic narcissistic mother and my father veers between enabling and narcissistic himself. They are very very controlling and they were emotionally abusive to me growing up. There have also been a few (rare) violent incidents from my father.

I've read 'If you had controlling parents,' and also 'Will I ever be good enough?' about NPD mothers.

Just wanted to post here. Will happily accept any advice!

And thank you to everyone for sharing their stories, it helps to know you're not alone.

Bear1984 · 29/11/2011 22:43

Hi Rhinestone. Welcome! I have to say it sounds like you're in a good place. You're aware of the issues with your parents and want to set boundaries, so I think you're already one step ahead!

As for setting boundaries, I think you need to work out for yourself how much you would want to see them or what level of contact is good for you. When I was reducing the amount of times I saw my mother ages a go, I didn't tell her outright about how much I would see her, but often would say "I'm busy these next 3 weeks, but can do this date". It's not the best tactic but it worked for me at the time. Hopefully someone else can give you better advice though, but definitely try to work out what is best for you.

And congratulations!! :)

mampam · 29/11/2011 23:11

Hi all,

I don't think I've posted here since about this time last year so I guess nobody will remember my situation. It's pretty similar to many others on this thread. Basically roughly this time last year my mother dropped the bombshell on me that she had been in contact with my real father. I was almost 31 at the time and not once in all those years had she told me anything about him. She didn't give any explanations dropped her bombshell and ran so to speak. She didn't contact me for 3 weeks and then it was only to ask if she could have the kids around to her house to open their Christmas presents.

I said she owed me explanations as I'd since got in contact with my real father who had put it in a nice way but basically told me that my mother wouldn't let him keep in contact with me when I was a child.

She told me it was probably too late for explanations and I didn't hear from her again until the early hours of new years day when I had the try to make mampam feel guilty text which said something along the lines of " tried my best but I guess it was never good enough" . My DB had the same text and thought she might be about to commit suicide! I told him that's what she wanted us to think so that we'd go running and in a nutshell my DB has now cut me out of his life!

TBH this was the icing on the cake and the perfect excuse not to get her out of my life. I haven't had anything to do with her for a year now and I cannot tell you how fantastic I feel. It's like a real heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I do hear the odd thing about her and I can tell you I am sooooo glad to be out of it and living my life freely. I'm free, or so I thought.

I can really relate to Rhinestone (Congratulations) and Bear1984. I have 3 DC's and my mother made my pregnancies a living hell and was a nightmare when they were babies too.

With regards to Bear1984 and your mother wanting to see your DD which you think is a way for your mother to try and gain control of you again, I now have a similar situation. My DD1's birthday was in October and my mother put a card through our letterbox with supposedly disguised handwriting. She obviously thinks if I know it's her that has sent the card then I won't give the card to the DC! There was some money in it and unknown to me DD1 gave her friend from school ,who lives near my mother, a thank you card to post through her door. DD1 was being polite and thought she was doing the right thing. (She was really as I have brought her up to be polite and thank people for gifts).

This then gave my mother some kind of green light as she turned up at DD1's school and collared her as she was walking to the bus. She gave her a card with "I love you and miss you" crap in it. Shame she could never show her own daughter the same affection.

How dare she put DD1 in such an awkward situation and how bloody dare she turn up at her school.

I had to then explain to my 12 year old DD exactly why we don't have anything to do with my mother. I had to be brutely honest with her and tell her things I never wanted her ears to hear. She was so upset and cried like I have never seen her cry before. Sad I cried with her and told her that the love I get from her my other dc's more than makes up for the love I've never had from my own mother.

mampam · 29/11/2011 23:15

"...perfect excuse not to get her out of my life"

Sorry I meant "..perfect excuse to get her out of my life"

Rhinestone · 30/11/2011 00:14

Thanks mampam, and sorry to hear about your experiences.

Interested to know (if you're ready to 'talk' about it of course) - how did your mother make your pregnancies a living hell?

mampam · 30/11/2011 09:38

Hi Rhinestone. I'm fine to 'talk' about my experiences. With my first pregnancy I was only 19 (mother couldn't really be dissapproving as she had my brother when she was 17!) and very naive I guess. I had moved out of home when I was 17 and lived and worked an hours drive from her Smile. When I found out I was pregnant she immediately wanted me to move back home and set me up with a job in the village where she lives. Mainly for financial reasons I agreed.

I suffered with fairly bad sickness and there were certain things I really couldn't stand the smell of that would make me throw up. One of them being curry. I couldn't stand the smell or even look at it yet I seem to remember my mother cooking excessive amounts of curry all the time. I just used to confine myself to my bedroom.

I was the same with air fresheners. Suddenly every plug socket had an air freshener plugged into it etc etc.

My now exH, then BF lived with us and we used to sleep on a sofa bed together in my bedroom. One day a new bed arrived, a single bed for my room, sofa bed thrown out and BF had to go and sleep in my DB's room at night. I was devestated. At that stage in my pregnancy I just wanted a cuddle at night but she saw to it that I wasn't going to have one.

When I was about 7 and a bit months pregnant my mother conspired behind my back with my boss (who was a friend of hers) that I would stop working at 8 months. I was happy to carry on and felt great and able to do that but I was told that was when I had to stop.

I ordered my pram from Mothercare and we'd paid it off bit by bit. Unfortunately Mothercare kept cocking up delivery of it and luckily I had gone overdue and didn't need the car seat etc before it arrived. Finally it was delivered, early one morning and by the time I'd got out of bed and dressed and went downstairs to see it my mother had unpacked it out of the box and had set it all up. I just couldn't believe after waiting so long for it and knowing how much I was looking forward to it she took the glory away from me by setting it up herself.

I spent 3 days in hospital with my beautiful DD1 and those were the best 3 days I had spent in a long while. Away from her. I would have spent 3 weeks there if I could.

When DD1 was 2 weeks old we were having our dinner which my mother had cooked. Pasta with bacon in a creamy sauce. I was vegetarian. I made a comment that I had more bacon than pasta and she went ballistic at me. A huge row unfolded and I told her I'd had enough and was going to my friends down the road. To which she then started appealing to my BF saying it was too cold to take a baby out and that I had post natal depression. She physically had hold of the pram so I couldn't leave and in the end I gave in and went to my room.

We didn't speak for about 2 weeks and one day my step father told me I had to apologise to her or get out. I asked if she would then apologise to me and he said "NO". He then started saying how I treated my BF like shit and was controlling of him etc etc.

BF and I moved into his parents that same day and his mum had a phonecall from my mother trying to convince MIL that I was "..gone in the head". When MIL said that I seemed alright to her my mother told her I was putting on an act infront of her.

Rhinestone I don't really remember much about pregnancy No 2 as I was depressed and my relationship with now exH was not good.
There is lots to tell about pregnancy No3 but right now I have to sort out DD1 as she is off to her friends house as school are on strike and I need to gee her up!!

Be back soon!!

Dawndonna · 30/11/2011 10:09

Aaarghhh!
Sorry, in a mood. My birthday present from dm has just arrived, addressed to dh with a note stating that it made them laugh, and he'd like it.
Every year she gets him a book he'd like for his birthday, and then one he'd like for my birthday.
Grrrrr!

droves · 30/11/2011 11:17

Morning ladies ! .
Rhinestone ...I completely understand your feelings about getting your boundaries in place . Your fear about how your parents will take over your pg/baby are justified.

When I was pg the first time...my mother emotionally blackmailed me into having a termination , her words were choose it or us ( meaning my entire family ,parents ,siblings grandmother the lot ) , I was only 17 and made the wrong choice which I bitterly regret Sad. On the morning of the abortion I was told if you don't go through with it you don't come home , you can sleep in the streets. On coming home afterward , she called me a murderer and my 3 year old brother asked me if my baby had been burned . Shock . Wtf ? .

2nd pg ...she tried to make me a single mum ...my fiancé lived in another town but we were looking to buy a flat together . On finding out about the pg , she asked to speak to him whilst on the phone . She spoke for a while and said congratulations then put the phone down . She turned to me and told me that he had said he didn't want me or the baby and would have nothing to do with us. At that point she then told me she would be bringing the baby up as hers and I was to pretend to be it's sister. I was not allowed to use her phone and she did not want me to sign on when I lost my job...so I didn't have money and would be reliant on her. I left her house as soon as I could , jump on a bus back to Glasgow and went straight to fiances (now ex-dh's )house.
She phoned on Monday ,screaming at me because she had to walk to the next village in the snow to go to the post office. I had no contact until I i was taken into hospital 2 weeks before my dd was born. When she arrived ex- dh phoned his mum first and asked her to phone mine to tell mine. When I arrived home I had a call from her giving me greif because his mum had phoned her ....she said I should have told her first before his mum.

3rd pg ... I told her I was pg around 12 weeks , she said she didn't want me to have another baby...I lost my baby and was very I'll , hospitalized and on drip for days , when I came to I phoned her and told her , she laughed .

Pg4 .... I didn't tell her to begin with , but told my sister who was also pg . Mum found out and I got inundated with phone calls . Sister visited when about 6 months , my friend was in and also pg , we were talking about prams we had planned to buy, and baby clothes we liked. Sister was smiling and spoke about her new double buggy that folded up and fitted into her car. She had older kids and new baby and dd would be very close in age so double buggy was ideal for her.Was a lovely day actually.
Mum phoned later that night and shouted at me to "rubbing it in that I was getting a new pram and sis wasn't, and my friend was a show off bitch , who did the same," ....er no I worked full time , and needed a new pram because I was told I was having a boy ( turned out dd) and the pram I had for dd had pink flowers on it ..friend was pg with first baby.

Pg4 .... Didn't find out until I was 20 weeks ...accused of not including her ( er no I didn't know) .
Worked full time as dh was unemployed then. Bought a double pram as I didn't have car and new baby and last dd were close together. Again was told I was rubbing it in my sisters face as she couldn't buy another pram, her dh was unemployed , they had debts and she didn't work either . Was very Ill (chicken pox) and nearly lost ds at 30 with premature labour ....they manage to stop it and he got to full term , born on his due date fiaqt and healthy .
She phoned on the day I brought ds home and screamed at me , can't remember what exactly about , just that I was a bad mother and she was going to get my kids taken from me. Again , dh has phoned his mum first , and her second ( well he will phone his mum first , anyone would , ) . I remember saying , I wasn't finished , I was still in labour room , getting stitched ....to which she replied " you should have made the midwife bring you the phone , I have a right to be told before your dh and his mum" ....eh ? He was in the room at the time how was supposed to do that ?.

She also never sent any baby gifts to me ,ever.

Pg5 didn't tell her , miscarried at 8 weeks

Pg6 told sister, sister told her . Told her to stay away from us all by then. She found out I was in labour with the twins ( I was Nc with her at that point because of what she did at my sisters baby's funeral ). Sis was babysitting my oldest 3 and told her. Mother phoned labour ward ....wanting to speak to me .... I told the midwife to tell that woman she is not to phone back and I would not be speaking to her ever . Midwives were also told she was not to be given any info about me or babies .
Best thing I ever did . When I brought my twins home 4 weeks later they were surrounded by people who loved them .It was a wonderful happy day for me , one of the happiest I ever had.

6 years later im still Nc . Unfortunately I'm also Nc with all my siblings , but it's a price I happily pay to be rid of such a poisonous person.

droves · 30/11/2011 11:32

Dawndonna that's just bizarre ! .

I'm actually laughing at your dm ...she's a whole new type of bonkers.

Did she give your siblings gifts that she thought you'd like too ?

It's actually pretty twisted .Enough about her .

Today is YOUR day ! , hope you have something nice planned ,and that dh gives you a nice gift Smile . Have a very very happy birthday xxx

PeppermintPasty · 30/11/2011 12:02

droves ShockShockShock Your Mother!!!!! What hideousness. I'm gobsmacked. Sad for you and angry all at the same time. Bloody hell xx

Dawndonna · 30/11/2011 12:10

Thanks, Droves, not actually birthday until next week. She lives in France so things get here early. She's only done presents since I've been married. She didn't really bother when I was younger, sometimes I'd get school uniform. The siblings got them because they were younger and apparently didn't understand that she was skint.
WTF. I'm skint, my kids go without nothing. She is a strange one though. Definitely has NPD.
Your mother sounds hellish. I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time, I wish I could go nc, but I promised my father I'd be polite so I am.

droves · 30/11/2011 12:32

Peppermint ....what can I say ?I'm lucky I survived ,and am relatively undamaged , and I don't need to ever see her ever again (yay! ). It's my siblings I feel sad about ...she had an attitude that if they speak to me ( or anyone she doesn't like) , then they are disloyal and will turn on them. I understand this , and don't blame them for not speaking to me . Although it has filtered down to my dd and dn ( sis dd) , sis banned dn from speaking to my dd on Facebook ...I'm pissed off at this , what did my dd ever do to them? Of course it's a case of dd being condemned by association . But the fact still stands it all come from my darling mother !. .Classic npd? .

Dawndonna funny that "skint" excuse ...mine used it too. My sis and brothers got mountain bikes and games consols for Xmas when I was 12 , I got slippers cause dm was skint . I often didn't even get a birthday card cause she was skint. ....eh? Xmas and birthday fall on the same thing every year ...most people save up for them . It's a joke isn't it ? At least your mum stays in France so she can't pop round unannounced.

I really hope that you have a lovely birthday when it comes , because you deserve too !

Rhinestone · 30/11/2011 12:39

Thanks droves and mampam. It's nice to have people who understand that I'm not being paranoid!

I predict she'll do the following -

  • Ask personal questions about my pregnancy even though she knows that will make me uncomfortable. Then she'll act all upset that I won't tell her things. My father will also attempt to do this as he thinks he has a right to. (He is a doctor).
  • She'll want to come and stay straightaway, to 'help' - THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN but it will be a battle. And then I'll get the guilt trip about keeping her form her grandchild etc. Because this IS all about her.
  • Start putting pressure on me over all manner of things such as breast feeding, her providing childcare, even what school they're going to go to!!!!

I just fucking hate her sometimes.

scifigeek · 30/11/2011 12:39

I?ve been lurking for over a year, and it?s been therapy. This could be long, but I need to give background so as not to dripfeed. Name changed as well.

My mother has never liked me very much. ?Loved but not liked?. She has always been hypercritical and never praised. She has never forgotten anything I?ve done wrong, and any problem I confide in her has later been used against me. In my late thirties I can still have sins from nursery school used against me. She has always called me false and said that if everyone knew what I was ?really like? they?d have nothing to do with me. She was always keen to point out my physical flaws as well, particularly my weight. She didn?t like me inside or out. Also, she?s a huge social snob and devout Catholic, I lack social polish and I?m an atheist. I suspect she finds me embarrassing.

I?m a bit geeky and socially awkward (I used to worry I was a psychopath as I don?t pick up social cues very well or ?get? social interaction!), and spent years being a people pleaser, and being very brittle when faced with criticism. I?ve also had emotionally abusive relationships with both female friends and boyfriends as I just suck up bad treatment. Over the last few years I?ve wised up, been treated for depression, dumped toxic people and have a lovely normal and kind DP (a fellow nerd like me!). I still think that people?s first reaction when they meet me is to think that I?m horrible or stupid, but I?m getting better.

I have a younger brother. I always called him the ?Little Emperor? and having read this thread it?s clear he?s the Golden Child and I?m the scapegoat. I have called my mother on her favouritism since a young age but she denies it. She says that mothers have special relationships with their sons and that I?ve always been harder to get on with and I?m not as affectionate. There?s no favouritism as she makes no financial distinction between us. True, but the problem is she always thinks the best of him and the worst of me. To give a silly example ? but one I hope people here get - if my brother looked miserable she would assume that nasty people were being horrible to him. If I did, it was because people had worked out what I really was and were fed up with me. My mother has never fought my corner.

My brother has always exploited the Little Emperor/Golden Child position. He?s a manipulative little weasel who can provoke my mother into nasty behaviour against me. For years I refused to visit home at the same time as him as he could make her blow up at me in seconds. He?d accuse me of drinking too much, doing things wrong, or just reveal at the dinner table what my mother had been saying about me to the family behind my back. He?s an expert at causing trouble. I now probably have to see him about once a year at most when I can?t avoid it. I really really don?t like him.

Still reading? Thank you if so. Now here?s the problem.

I am six months pregnant after years of wondering whether I?m mother material, and it?s a boy. And I?m revolted and gutted both by the prospect of a son and by my violent gut reaction to the prospect. I can?t post this on its own thread as mumsnet is very unsympathetic to gender disappointment. I am in tears writing this and I can?t face a battering even anonymously.

I suspect I wanted a girl almost to ?put right? the mother/daughter relationship and to avoid replicating the horrible mother/son dynamic I?ve seen. I worry I will either be repelled by him as my only experience of male children is my brother, or will act like my mother, make him the Golden Child and bring up a spoilt horrible shit. Rationally, this is stupid. My DP is lovely and if my son turns out like him he?d be an amazing kind and gentle person. I know if the Golden Child had been my sister then I?d probably want a boy but I will only every have one child to avoid risking favouritism, so I feel I?ve lost my chance of a daughter.

I fear I?m not going to be a good parent and will screw things up. I know nothing practical about babies let alone dealing with the emotional crap this is throwing up. I feel I?m as bad as my mother as I clearly wasn?t what she wanted and I?m now repeating history.

I do feel better for writing this down as I?m quite emotionally buttoned up and can?t talk about this IRL. I need to know that other people have gone through this and come out the other side (so many of your stories are like mine and lots of you have kids) with sane and functional and loved children.

Sorry, I?m not trolling (I realise that this is a bit ?We need to talk about Kevin?), or writing and running, but I may not be able to come back until tomorrow due to work shifts and I need to be in a calm state of mind to tackle responses.

droves · 30/11/2011 12:42

Anyway , to all you ladies who are pg or ttc , it's a special time , it should be enjoyed and cherished . Anyone who tries to ruin that special time for you is just a Envy git who needs a slap .
I'm willing to provide the slaps free of charge , just point me in the right direction ! Grin.

Best bit of having dc is being in a family that works , and seeing your little ones grow up in a loving home. We might not have had that ourselves , but it's extra special that we can make that happen for our kids Grin

mampam · 30/11/2011 12:45

Dawndonna I hope your day gets better. My mother is the most thoughtless present buyer. I always thought it would've been nice for her to buy me something that she had put thought into and not something inappropriate that she thought I needed. Buying something for you that your DH will like really takes the biscuit though. What a cow.

Rhinestone to carry on with why my mother made my pregnancies hell on my 3rd pregnancy (baby now 18months)which was the main reason why I'd come to the end of my tether with her and decided enough was enough was because when I got to 8 weeks pregnant I started being sick, basically I had severe Hyperemesis and couldn't even hold water down. My sense of smell was heightened and there was a smell in the downstairs of my house that I couldn't stand and even the thought of it made me sick so I was confined to my bedroom (wrong time of year to go outside in the garden). At one point I couldn't even have a duvet cover, sheets or pillows on the bed and slept on the bare mattress as the smell of washing powder made me sick, I would open my eyes at night and be sick etc etc. It was awful and my GP wanted to put me in hospital but I eventually managed to get it under some kind of control when she put me on anti sickness tablets that knocked me out which was fine as when I was asleep I wasn't being sick. This lasted until I was 16 weeks.

During this time my mother was a complete and utter bitch to me. At 9 weeks pregnant she made me tell everyone although I kept saying to her I wanted to wait until after the 12 week scan she said I had to tell people, if I didn't she would as she didn't want to lie to people anymore.
She phoned me up one day to tell me that it was all in my head. It didn't smell in my house and I would have to get out of bed sometime.

Things went from bad to worse when my DH had a breakdown when I was 16 weeks. He had some issues with his parents and work and we were the worse off financially we had ever been. It was the weekend before Christmas and until then we hadn't had the money to buy the DC's any presents. We got in the car to go shopping and didn't make it down the road as there was something wrong with the car. We had no money to fix it and it sent DH over the edge.

My mother revelled in this as it was obviously my fault that DH had had a breakdown. I shouldn't have been so ill and in bed. Her boss said to me one day "I don't think your marriage would've lasted if you'd stayed in bed for your whole pregnancy". WTF? Where did she get that from??? I wonder. Hmm

As my 2nd baby, DS was 10lb14oz when born and I had a 3rd degree tear I was told by a colorectal (sp?) surgeon that I should have a C-Section as basically if I tore like that again I would be incontinent from the back passage. A C-Section was my worst case scenario. I was frightened about having major abdominal surgery and my mother made my fears and apprehensions so much worse. She told me that it was the easiest option for these doctors to send a woman for a C-Section (where she gets her info from I don't know), she also loved to point out everytime I saw or spoke to her that I wouldn't be able to drive for 6 week, lift the kettle or do any hoovering!! She went on and on for weeks until she focused her attentions on the date of my operation. Everyday she would text me to find out when the date was, never asking how I was. She was obcessed by it. One day DH, DC's and I had managed to get out in the garden all day and at the end of the day I was laid in the bath, DD was on the computer and DH was playing Lego with DS in his room and the phone rang. We were all content with what we were doing and none of us were going to stop what we were doing to run downstairs and answer the phone! So then my mobile rang, then the homephone, then the mobile etc etc and this went on and on for over 2 hours. DH and I were so cross it became a matter of principle that we didn't answer the phone. After this incedent my DM started to tell people that I wasn't talking to her as I wouldn't answer the phone to her!

There were so many things, too many to list. One day she took one look at me, no "hello how are you?" just a "your feet and ankles are getting fat mampam". Thank you mother you are so kind.

She got in a strop because after weeks of telling me that my C-Section date fell at the wrong time as her boss was on holiday at that time and she would have to provide cover I arranged for DC's to stay with their father whilst I was in hospital. That was wrong.

When I had DD2 DH had to virtually beat her away from the hospital with a stick. She couldn't understand why I didn't want any visitors on the same day as having my operation.

She became obsessed with DD2, freakishly so. For example, if I was holding her she would stand next to me and grab her arm. Not hurting her but so as you couldn't move away. She also used to put her face so close up to DD2. DD2 hated it and used to scream. The worst thing she used to do was to stroke DD2's face and head but in such a way and it was so over the top that it used to make DH and I feel very uncomfortable.

I have never trusted my mother with my kids. It's a feeling that I cannot explain. If she was ever late bringing them home, something at the back of my mind would say "she's taken them".

Like many other mothers on this thread mine likes to be in control and that is what it is all about turning up to DD1's school. It terrifies me though because I do not trust her. But what can I do? DD1 has to catch the bus home.

This has been quite cathartic for me typing all of this. Thank you Rhinestone. My mother was also very controlling of me and emotionally abused me and she was also occasionally violent towards me when I was a child. My step father used to stick up for me in the beginning (from about the age of 8) but as he got ground down by her over the years became an enabler. Eventually I just saw him as a milder version of her. I remember one incedent when I was pregnant with DD2 and my mother was still in a strop with me for not answering the phone for the 2 hours she had kept ringing me and they came to our house. Mother hardly said a word but SF seemed to have taken on her role to criticise. We didn't have very much growing in our greenhouse, the paddling pool was in the wrong position in the garden, why didn't we have Sky TV, why didn't we get a new car, the sausages we were BBQing were too fatty, it was too cold to sit outside etc etc.

Rhinestone · 30/11/2011 12:46

Hi scifigeek! I do understand how you feel. I used to be petrified of having a girl because I felt I didn't know how to be the mother of a daughter because my own mother provided such a terrible template!

This despite the fact that my brother was (and still is) golden child and a manipulative little weasel too! My two sisters are the golden daughters and I'm the scapegoat. Interesting that we had opposite reactions for the same reason!

I think the fact that you're posting and are so self-aware shows that you WON'T be like your mother. But you need to work through this.

Have you read "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" It's for the daughters of NPD mothers and I highly recommend it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread