I'm just so down with it all, I almost wish I was able to carry on with all the pretence like my sisters do. It's been a really tough day. Somehow I feel like I can see myself from the outside, and a lot of behaviours I have are annoying, not very nice - learned from my cynical, critical, non-affectionate and judgmental family I guess.
I feel like my inner person could be nice, but I hide it so much from the world. I don't really know who I am and I'm not sure if I'm nice. I think I can be quite superior when around people who are very positive - I think because I learned to hide my own positivity and I have never learned how to respond to people's ideas and dreams.
I had a big shock when my youngest was close to death when very little, so close we were advised to speak to a priest if we wanted one, and then despite all the scares he came out the other end. I haven't even been able to rejoice in that, it's like to feel anything is ridiculous, I should only think/analyse/commentate rather than live and feel and breathe. It's like my family think wanting anything, being happy, loving people, having hopes, caring for things are all so silly, the sort of things only silly people do.
I don't think people who can feel, who have hopes, are silly. But I feel jealous of them, so sometimes I can be sneery. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to join them.
It feels good to have got that out x