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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

999 replies

garlicBread · 01/11/2011 18:18

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
Thumbelina46 · 17/11/2011 00:08

A bit late with this Bear but good luck tomorrow. Where's that fire that was leaping out of you a week ago? It's still in there you know! You paint it like it is tomorrow and banish those self-doubts! Smile

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 09:16

I wish I knew lol. Feeling awful this morning. I know I'm going to have to compromise something which I'm not looking forward to.

duvetdayplease · 17/11/2011 09:33

Best of luck Bear.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2011 09:35

Good luck Bear this morning. Tell the Solicitor everything, you've got evidence.

You are doing this for your DD; that thought should remain uppermost in your mind. Your mother cares not a jot for you or for that matter her granddaughter; your mother has acted like this to assert her authority again over the two of you hence all the demands. Your mother wants power, control and her way all the time.

Also remember that it is still the case that grandparents have no automatic right to see their grandchild.

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 09:47

Thank you. Yes I am remembering that and what's most important. Her demand are ridiculous anyway considering she didn't even have that level of contact before. I know she's doing this for her own selfish reasons and doesn't give a stuff about me or what I want, if she had she would have given me space in first place. I'm a little bit better now. Just wish DP was around today so I didn't feel like I'm alone. I know I'm not but would have been nice to see him.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 17/11/2011 09:50

Good luck.

You frequently mention this friend who is encouraging you to go with it at least some way. Don't let her choice influence yours if that is not what you want for yourself.

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 10:48

Thanks all. Feeling so much better. It was so good to be able to talk to another adult and for them to say "I believe you". I could have cried and hugged him lol! He's writing to her solicitors to say contact will stay as once a month and that we're applying for mediation. He told me that she has no rights, which thanks to you all I knew already, and that as DD's mum I have the last say. Thank goodness. I AM AN ADULT!!! lol

garlicbutter · 17/11/2011 10:51

Congrats!! Thanks for the update Grin

So you're having a coming-of-age party? Wink

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 11:22

Lmao. I feel so elated I could. Already planning on taking DD bowling and have dinner out.

Puppy, as for my friend, she's studying law and kept saying grandparents do have rights and so I should be careful and accept some of her conditions as she was worried for me that it'll go to court so she had my interests at heart but you're right that I need to do what's best for me and DD and not be pressured or forced to do something I don't want to.

droves · 17/11/2011 11:24

Grin Well done Bear ! .

Your solicitor sounds like he knows his stuff !

Must be a good feeling to know you have the law on your side !

I can almost hear a sigh of relief in your last post !

Smile
duvetdayplease · 17/11/2011 11:38

Really pleased the solicitor's went well. The contact your mum was asking for was not far off what some parents get after divorce, and lots more than some!

gobbycow · 17/11/2011 11:46

Well done Bear!!!!!

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 12:16

Thank you all. I am so pleased, and yes it is a massive sigh of relief droves! Feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and to finally get someone on my side that is outside the circle. He seemed very understanding and knew what he was talking about and said it is unreasonable of her to then go through the solicitors despite me allowing contact.

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 12:18

Also I want to say a big thank you to each and every one of you. I am so grateful for this thread and to find others that are in similar situations and are very like me in a lot of ways due to what we've been through with our parents. This past year has been such an eye opener for me and the fact that I can now stand up to this poisonous woman and know I have support, whether it is through the solicitor, or DP, or from you all, it just makes me feel so much better and that I'm not alone like I use to be. Big hugs to you all xxx

TooManyStuffedBirds · 17/11/2011 13:42

Congratulations Bear!! A little validation can go a long way, and will keep your path forward sparkling with clarity. Keep the momentum.

Toast to the thread from myself, too. I've been around for 4 years now and am doing so much better. It is an education. Thank you everyone.
Thanks Thanks Thanks

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/11/2011 15:22

Bear you really can hear the relief in your posts! Congratulations!! So pleased you have control back where it should be Grin

duvetdayplease · 17/11/2011 20:05

I'm just so down with it all, I almost wish I was able to carry on with all the pretence like my sisters do. It's been a really tough day. Somehow I feel like I can see myself from the outside, and a lot of behaviours I have are annoying, not very nice - learned from my cynical, critical, non-affectionate and judgmental family I guess.

I feel like my inner person could be nice, but I hide it so much from the world. I don't really know who I am and I'm not sure if I'm nice. I think I can be quite superior when around people who are very positive - I think because I learned to hide my own positivity and I have never learned how to respond to people's ideas and dreams.

I had a big shock when my youngest was close to death when very little, so close we were advised to speak to a priest if we wanted one, and then despite all the scares he came out the other end. I haven't even been able to rejoice in that, it's like to feel anything is ridiculous, I should only think/analyse/commentate rather than live and feel and breathe. It's like my family think wanting anything, being happy, loving people, having hopes, caring for things are all so silly, the sort of things only silly people do.

I don't think people who can feel, who have hopes, are silly. But I feel jealous of them, so sometimes I can be sneery. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to join them.

It feels good to have got that out x

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/11/2011 20:13

duvetday I could written your post two years ago. I know exactly what you mean about not knowing who you are and I used to have no feelings because I'd numbed myself.

Have you been seeing a counsellor? That was what helped me the most.

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 20:24

I agree, I also felt the same and I remember just shutting down completely and not just showing any emotions and spending most of my life believing I must be a horrible person and was getting what I deserved. It's only been in the last year that I've started to find myself and be okay with myself and allowing others to see the real me. It's taken a long time for me to get to this point.

Also I'm so sorry to hear about your youngest. That must have been a terrible time for you but I'm glad everything is okay now x

duvetdayplease · 17/11/2011 20:39

Hi, I have seen a counsellor on and off for years, not always about this issue but of course this issue crops up every so often, like every bloody session!

I think I'd always hoped I could keep them at arm's length, still have a relationship but keep emotionally distant. But I actually think the energy and effort of holding them far away but not too far has been utterly, utterly draining.

I really think I would be more free if I do decide to be shot of them once and for all, more able to express myself. Because shutting down is probably damaging me even at the times I don't have to do it.

Bear1984 · 17/11/2011 21:11

Have you seen your counsellor recently? I think the issue will always crop up because it is a big issue in your life. It is very draining, as you're using up so much energy to either keep them at arm's length or towards the relationship. I always found just being near my mother zapped any energy I had.

duvetdayplease · 17/11/2011 22:00

I think you're right. I'm seeing them currently. This decision of a temp separation was quite spur of the moment, I couldn't NOT do it after the crazy goings-on, so I definitely now need to discuss it further. And yes, mine also zapped my energy whatever was going on, just seeing them was a stress, a duty, a burden. It's just so sad, I'm so sad.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/11/2011 22:38

duvetday so sorry to hear you're sad.

Thumbelina46 · 17/11/2011 23:36

Bear so pleased about today! You sound so 'sorted and together' all of a sudden!Envy. I bet it feels great to be back in control-as it should be! Duvetday I can identify so much with a lot of the things you've said- especially the 'sneery' bit. I do that a lot too and I think it is definitely a coping mechanism of sorts! Tomorrow is a whole new day!< Hugs>

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 18/11/2011 09:24

I don't think people who can feel, who have hopes, are silly. But I feel jealous of them, so sometimes I can be sneery. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to join them.

duvet, I just wanted to say that I was very moved by this.

x