their rage is not anger....it is terror - Thanks for highlighting this, gc, it's worth repeating.
I can imagine what it's like not to feel your feelings. I've been numbing myself for a very long time. When my 'real' self finally started kicking back, prompted by double-layered abuse that exceeded my iron tolerance, I had to run. I ran a lot, any time of night or day, in whatever clothes & shoes I had on. I went to the gym and did an hour of weights every day. I did dance classes, where the bodywork made cry and I didn't know why. I was vaguely aware that all my activity was due to a build-up of 'feelings', but didn't know how to access them - and felt I shouldn't.
I still need a conscious practice to experience and identify my emotions. It still scares me a bit.
What you and TMSB wrote, above, about the Narcissist's fragile identity, is the reason why I maintain friendly relations with my mum and those of my sibs whose actions conflict with their self-image (ie, I think they're disordered.) I do not want to be responsible for shattering them. I don't lie - if they try to push for approval on a behaviour I reject, I've found I know how to say something they won't 'hear' but makes them change tack. Perhaps they prefer to optimise their supply from me by sticking to their acceptable fronts: I don't know and don't care.
I'm a bit fed up with them all needing my approval (as long as it doesn't require any effort on their part) but, these days, contact is so sparse it's easier to play along. When they start being abnormally interested in talking with me, I just don't return calls. Thank goodness for caller display 
Again, I should stress that there's no one best approach for all: with your ex-mother, gc, I think no contact is the only way to preserve your sanity. Had I been younger when I started this stuff, I may have chosen no contact at all. As things stand - Mum's quite old and the others are going through major life changes - it seems more compassionate all round to build thick walls with small gates!