"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Puppy If I was in your situation, I would send a neutral email back to my Dad. I would not put any information in there about me at all, no anger, upset, anything and I would just explain that I'm very busy at the moment but I'll give him a call/email when its convenient for me. I know its still hurtful but it may achieve the objective you need. As for your mother; can you mark her emails as spam? block her calls and delete texts before opening? I'm not sure if this is possible but in an ideal world, wouldn't it be nice

It is very difficult to get these mothers to understand the message. My brother1 tried this summer to cut our mother off; he basically emailed and told her to 'fuck off for ever' she emailed him straight back totally ignoring his message asking his advice about really trivial things..he got sucked in again :(

Maristella at this stage are you still considering going on holiday with her? I'm inclined to agree with Atilla on this

Bear one of the hardest things I have found in this process has been admitting to myself that I'm lonely and have spent most of my life lonely..I have many coping strategies but they just paper over the cracks..

I'm the same. The only times I've heard "I love you" is when I cut contact and she was trying all the tricks in the book to get me to be in touch with her. I know my mum to well now. I know what to expect from her and how she'll react, and I'm never wrong. For example when I met with her after I hadn't spoken to her in 4 months to discuss things and to tell her why contact was cut (though I had already told her before) and her response was "I didn't do that. But if you have to blame someone, I suppose you're always going to blame me, so I'll just accept that."

Haha

I'll give my mum back all the crap christmas presents she has ever given me, including the rape alarm and the 2 pink fluffy dressing gowns that were three sizes too big and had cute puppies all over them (she did give them to me on consecutive Christmases).

Lol maristella

Attila and waily I will cancel her tomorrow. How utterly sad, I feel really ashamed to be in this situation. I'm not in a financial position to shoulder her loss in any way. I am a single parent, and often struggle financially. It was so tough paying for this holiday, I went without a fair amount.

I'm going to get so much shit for this. But I'd rather get shit here where I can turn off my phone and walk away than get abuse when sharing a room and suffering public humiliation and trying to control my usually calm temper in my dream holiday destination. If my brother does not like me removing her from the holiday, he can take her on holiday. Excpet he will only go away with her if she is paying for him.

Now do I send postcards??? :) I must be cheering up, thanks guys x

Can I add my Xmas gift lists ?

Toxic sister ...feck all
Toxic brother ....feck all
Toxic father ....fleck all
Toxic mother ...feck all with bells on !

Ho ho ho !

Works out quite well , inexpensive Xmas ,

You will have more to spend on yourself and the good people in your life droves :)

I just got another text... Breathe...

Maristella nothing is worth how crap you will feel being stuck with your mum on holiday. It is for the best.

Droves, same lol

What does she say to you in the texts and voicemails bear ?

Christmas presents - this is apt as I am wondering whether to bother this year for the first time, since they'll all be at the holiday cottage together while we're out in the cold at home having a lovely time.

It just turns out like the Wizard of Oz! Courage for my Dad, a heart each for my sisters and a (new, non-crazy) brain for my Mum.

Depending on whose side you're on I'm either Dorothy or the Wicked Witch, either way I will gladly make do with a nice shiny pair of ruby slippers, thanks.

Seriously though, I can't think what to do about presents. I'm new to all this.

She's been wanting to speak to DD although she knows she can't and that the only contact she has is with visits. She just texted me to say she'll be around this weekend. She's not suppose to come til the following weekend. Last month she asked if she could see DD the week before the visit was scheduled as it fell on her birthday, so being stupid nice, I agreed as I assumed she had plans for her birthday which meant she couldn't come see DD, plus DD had a card for her so felt bad for DD not being able to wish her a happy birthday. But come her birthday weekend, she asked for DD to go round/her to come round anyway So naturally I ignored her lol.

I've asked DP if he can text her for me, as I did tell her to speak with him about visits, but surprise surprise she doesn't listen to a word I say. So he's saying that the visit is scheduled for following weekend as we only rearranged as we assumed she was busy on her birthday, but that won't be happening again. Also that she needs to speak to DP as I had told her to do so when I we sorted out the arrangement. I'm not sure whether to get DP to say to her that I don't want to have any contact or anything to do with her in a text, or just to leave it to the point so she then doesn't have "proof" as to what an unreasonable, horrible daughter I'm being to a mother who has only done "good" for her child (fucking bullshit!) But that's the picture my mum likes to paint to anyone that is willing to listen.

Duvet I love that!! Yes, a brain, hearts and courage would be great.

I'm not doing presents. They'll get a card from DD and that's it. It's been the same for birthday as well. I mean I'm even getting DD's father's family biscuits and chocolates! Crazy how I like them more than my own family. Though to be fair to them, ex's sister and parents are lovely, just ex is a muppet. Lol.

Welcome back puppy.Is there any way you can cooly resume contact via email/text but completely detach yourself emotionally? You gave me great insight into my situation regarding cutting contact a few weeks ago and I have cooly resumed contact again (family get-together recently with db and his family on holiday from USA etc) but am completely detached emotionally. I tell her nothing about dcs, or plans we have or anything and just chit-chat about weather or some other nonsense especially if it involves someone elses misfortune or sad tale of woe,she adores when bad things happen to friends of hers etc. Duvet you are right, I get so much back from everyone elses posts-it points out things to me that I may not have realised/understood about my own family. Maristella I am so glad you are not going on holiday with that woman-it will be painful telling her etc but well worth it-you can do it! Your db was completely out of order with what he did-unforgivable actually! None of his bloody business-how dare he take the decision about telling your ds out of your hands? Bear I too am a SAHM and know what you mean. I'm trying to see if I can re-train at college next year but its hard to fit it around school times etc . I also have no memory of ever being hugged, told I love you etc.Awful isnt it? Actually Puppy I am going to get that book-sounds good. LOL to everyone!

Thumbelina I had that problem too, but luckily I was able to get help through my college with childcare. Maybe worth asking yours if there's anything?

My Toxic Relations Christmas Gifts:-

For my MIL - a badge saying "I'm in Charge" or "Good Girl"
for my FIL - a chocolate foil medal
for my BIL - a mirror

Hi everyone- I've been reading even though I've not been posting.

I don't have time to respond to everyone, but I'm thinking of you all, and hello to the newbies.

Just want to say to Maristella I hope you can get your Mum cancelled from the holiday, and I can't believe your brother said that to your DS.

I am going to see my Mum today, for the first time in a week. I am taking DDs and I want to check on my brothers. I feel a bit sick and scared- scared I'm going to be sucked back into thinking it was all okay and I've been overly dramatic about it, and over-reacting. Someone please remind me, it was not normal for SD to hit me, and Mum to carry on living with him was it? I mean it's not like he beat me black and blue, it was usually one hit/ whack/ sometimes a kick... but I could never let H do that to my girls even once.

He was nice sometimes, and still can be- he is generous with money for instance and used to take me out places on my own where he wouldn't go mad- and it makes me think I'm being too harsh.

I don't know. Wish me luck.

Definitely not being too harsh phish Like you said, you wouldn't let H ever treat your DDs the way your SD treated you. So that in itself tells you it's not okay. My ex punched me in the stomach once, it was the only time he had hit me, and at the time, I remember me apologising to him for making him angry enough to punch me and he didn't apologise at all. It works the same though doesn't it, that even if it's just the once, it's completely unforgiveable and it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

Thinking of you today. Be strong! Just keep thinking about why you're angry with them and why you are in this thread. It is hard to start with when you're battling yourself to work out what's best to believe, the easy way or the hard way. Good luck x

I am fuming!!!

Just received a letter from a solicitors from my mum. It basically dates everything that has happened since we fell out and I cut contact. It even states that I've allowed contact again, but my mum wants to resume regular contact with DD because they use to have such a close bond and that DD has said she wants to stay at hers, which she has said, and that DD misses her and that I have refused to have further contact. I am fuming!!! It also says about how I've not agreed to mediation, that's because she won't fucking listen anyway. I am so fucking angry (please excuse my language).

It says I should seek legal advice, so I'm going to, and I have a good mind to tell her she won't have any contact now until I have.

Phish

You are not being harsh and you have every right to be angry at the pair of them.

I will also remind you that it was not normal for SD to hit you and for your mother to carry on living with him. Your mother condoned the abuse meted out by this man.

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world and they can do nice/nasty very well; its a continuous cycle though and the mask soon slips. They cannot hide their true nature forever.

Bear

I see that your mother is trying to intimidate you again via this Solicitors letter. She cares not a jot for her granddaughter really; this is all being done by her to get back at you. Its despicable also on her part to drag her grandchild into it.

I would seek legal advice but I would still remind you that grandparents have no automatic right in law to see their grandchildren.

Hi Attila,
Yup. Exactly how I feel. Just spoke to a friend who is studying law, and she has said to get legal advice and that this may not be a bad thing, as we may be able to draw up guidelines as to visits and if she then goes against it, she's the one that will look bad. Like you say, I'm fuming that she's dragged DD into this and how she's making it out that "the lack of contact between her and DD is upsetting for DD and is affecting her emotionally." DD is an emotional girl, she gets upset when she has to say goodbye to someone, she's like that with her father and his family, though she says she doesn't really like spending time with her father. It just outrages me, but I won't let her get the better of me.

bear ....

Omfg ! . What a nightmare . I would do as your friend has recomended , as i will sort of keep a record of your mothers "stunts" for future reference.
Try keep calm with dealings with your mother .

She wont have any automatic rights , but its mabey worthwhile looking into stopping any access at all , just to find out what your legal postion is ...( incase she pulls another toxic attack in future).

id call her bluff and say you`d agree to mediation if she agrees to psycological assesment , as you think she has npd and want to know if your daughter would be at risk of emotional damage by having contact.

I've just rang a solicitor and they're going to call me back once they've checked out my legal aid requirements and whether the family law solicitor can help me. I do want to say to her to not come round again until I have legal advice, but then I don't know if that's going to make me look bad. I want to come out of this better off than her and to make her feel bad (not that she will) to have made it to this. I don't think I've hated her so much before in my life...

I like that droves lol. I have thought I'd agree to mediation, because tbh she's only mentioned it the once and that was when we were arguing and I know I'm not going to talk about most things, but will enough to point out what a shit mother she is.