Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Hi Mummytime - I did that on Tuesday. Sent him an email (very neutral as asked a friend to look over it). Said contact between us when he has DS should only be for an emergency situation (e.g. he should not call me to ask if I have packed any spare vests for DS! Or other trivial things). In a real emergency (as in going to the hospital etc), then ring, otherwise contact via email.

I also said no texts again (I had said this before Christmas as he got into the habit of dropping off DS, we would have words then he would go back home and start sending me off texts along usual 'get overyourself', 'move on', 'you are being unreasonable'....basically texts where I felt like some little girl being told off by her dad, and all done from the comfort of his home). I have not sent him a text at all. He regularly breaks this to tell me something (non-important) about DS or to ask me if he can speak to DS as some time other than the agreed time he can call.

I also said that I would be putting notebook in DS' nursery bag to record essential info about DS (not interested in hearing that they all went to a theme park, but if DS has suddenly developed a phobia of sitting on toilet or regressed wrt potty training, he could makea bullet point about that (though tbh, DS is at nursery 5 days a week, so nursery just as likely to pick up info and pass it on, so dont expect him to record much in here. May be more relevant when DS starts school?).

Also said:

• All comms should be about DS only
• He needs to prioritise his contact time with DS (he has changed contact every week since beginning of Jan due to being at some meeting or other....). I feel that he is taking the pee here and also when he cant make a certain night, it then needs us to re-engage to negotiate a different night etc.
• Also asked him 'if you have an queries for me that are not urgent, but about DS, please save/record these and let me know at a single point in time. I do not want to recieve multiple emails from you about DS' clothing'. As an example, he sent me some emails on Sunday asking for DS shoe size and trouser size...he had had DS overnight on the Saturday and bought him back at 11am and those emails were sent at 1pm-ish......I can get multiple emails on a single day asking for x, y or z.
• On handovers where we meet - please supply me with any information you consider important about DS at the time (e.g. he had a temp this morning, been off his food since last night etc). Please do this via the book, or quick verbal summary. What tends to happen is he will drop DS off, then text me (grr!) something he has forgotten to say or will completely forget, then I find out that DS has runny nappies and I then have to contact him to check what has happened etc.....

Did I miss anything? Though tbh, I can talk until I am blue in the face and he will decide whether to ignore or agree. I mean I sent him the above on Tuesday evening and it was ignored this morning. Guess all I can do is just keep up my end and hopefully he will get how things should work now?

I don't think you can hope for him to 'get it' - his agenda is entirely different to yours and he has no intention of 'getting yours'.

you know what is and isn't important - you may have to draw up a list of categories (for yourself? maybe for him??) of levels of importance.

I say this because I drove the message home to stop endless comms (after copious comms along very similar lines to what you are being bombarded with) and he didn't let me know when dd was taken into hospital with suspected meningitis and kept overnight, crying repeatedly for me, during access time with him. HIs reason for not telling me was that I had said I 'didn't wish to be disturbed' (his words).

Please do't think your ex wouldn't be the same. imo he shows all the hallmarks, so draw up a list of categories, labelling them in various shades from urgent (phone call) to not important (email). He will probably still send copious comms and you may have to wade through endless emails I';m afraid. He is using ds as a means to mess with your head.

You know what Dee, I think you might be on a hiding to nothing and might just have to accept that what you want to happen in respect of co-parenting your DS just isn't going to happen. If I recall correctly was there some issue of you both promising that DS would not be stuck in the car going to the station? As with the handover book, and the endless emails and calls, I think you're bashing your head on a brick wall - whatever you say, however you try to get him to be reasonable, and whatever he says in response - well, he's just going to do what he wants anyway isn't he? As the others have said I think you just need to ignore the phone calls, and the follow up reproachful emails. This is how he is. Whoever said he was offloading his guilt onto you has got it spot on. There's nothing you can do to make him change his way of (dys)functioning. If anything I would suggest to him that if he is not able to cope effectively with having DS without having to call you every five minutes and at 5am then perhaps you need to rethink overnight visits for the time being until your ex 'sorts himself out' and is able to prove he's capable of looking after DS without having his hand metaphorically held by you.

Dolly - how are you? I have been thinking of you being back in Oz after your holiday. I hope you are ok.

Oh, and also Dee - I think your ex needs to realise that DS waking up in the middle of the night and missing you is the cold hard reality of your ex's decision to split up the family unit. If he tries to guilt you into answering the phone you simply say that this situation is of his making, not yours, and you have no control over it.

Yep its all about choices and with those choices come consequences

He's not 'up' for consequences though is he? He doesn't think consequences belong to him. He's god remember - god of the his world, forging a new world of his making where rules don't apply (to him, though every rule book is thrown at belongs to you).

Just catching up here and a couple of things to add...

If I were Mrs New Wife, I might be getting a tad upset that my Knight in Shining Armour was calling, texting, thinking about his ex... well, quite a lot, in fact. I can't imagine that she would be happy with him being so involved with you still. Whose the one who can't get over the break up? Remind me?

Also, like Mummytime over the years, my DCs have been with either one of us for a few nights at a time due to business committments. We had an unwritten agreement that we would not call unless there was an emergency, or similar. It also wouldn't have been practical to make calls or text when you were in the middle of a toddler's strop.

The waking at all hours, crying for the absent parent when they were stressed was totally normal.

Everyone here is right. Your Ex will need to grow a pair and realise that this is called 'Parenting' and no amount of books or self confidence will prepare you for those early morning wake ups, week after week. And with New Wife expecting - it must be a joy to be in that house in the mornings at the moment - NOT!!

I agree that if the overnights are causing too much stress, keep your DS at home until you feel comfortable with him being away.

haha look at you ex's life right now.

DS wakes at godawful o'clock.

Fall at my feet Dee ignores my rightiously important (because they are from me) texts and messages.

Hot new slim wife spends half hour vomiting copiously, eats a peice of dry toast, looks wan, waistline thickening, boobs too sensitive for him.

Son.whinges all the journey in the car irritating him and hot new wife.

Ex still ignores him.

What a wonderful start to the day

So true Xales ,that post made me smile ,.He might not be up for consequences Springy but they will happen just the same .All we can do is look after ourselves and our kids.

He definitely will be up for them! but what I mean is that there is no point reasoning with him with a 'consequences' argument. He just doesn't want to see it.

Another line i had stuck on my fridge door Dee was
STOP EXPECTING REASONABLE BEHAVIOUR FROM SOMEONE INCAPABLE OF ACTING THAT WAY

My ex was also a self entitled arse .
Distancing myself was the best gift i ever gave myself.
Took me a while to work it out though :)

Your right Springy reasoning doesnt come into it ,they are on a different planet

I love your snapshot Xales. That's my feelings about the other side of this story too.

I moved away from my family when I got married and it took time to adjust - I was only a few motorways away, not an ocean. We didn't have DCs for a while, but it was tremendously difficult to be away from everyone and settle into married life even although I wanted to be with my DH. We had to get to know one another and work out a way to live. I know its tempting to think its all hunky dory with Hot New Wife, but for most people, that amount of change in a short time will bring its own issues.

Keep on the IGNORE path Dee. Its so important that you don't get drawn into your Ex's life. You will soon be glad you have moved on from him, so keep your focus on you and your DS.

God, the new wife is bonkers. BONKERS. How long has she been here - six months? She's not even past the ooh-all-this-novel-and-exciting bit yet, much less onto the christ-this-is-SHIT-and-i-want-to-go-home, and she may well never get to the oh-well-it-is-what-it-is-and-i-accept-it (I didn't), and there she is - knocked up, having to undergo all those transitions of moving across the atlantic, becoming a wife, becoming a mother, with no longstanding friends and no family and with no means of leaving if she wants to stay with the child, unless she has the foresight to leave before she actually gives birth. I just want to yell at her - run Forest, run!

And the ex - well, he just doesn't have a bounce of an idea of what he's doing full stop does he. Sounds like mine you know - yeah yeah, get her over here, she'll LOVE it and i'll tell her whatever she wants to hear and if she doesn't like it well i'll just dump her (but trap her here because of the child) and get someone less inconvenient.

BONKERS.

I'm now singing 'Bad Moon Rising'.

Hi Dee,

Long-time lurker here. Think you're doing really well with the latest revelations.

Was wondering if you'd considered asking your ex if he'd thought about going on a parenting course as in:

"Hello?"

"Hi Dee, it's ex, DS is crying, and I was wondering if you could speak to him?"

"Listen, and I'm saying this for your own good, at some point you're gong to have to learn how to parent your own child you know, have you considered taking a parenting class? You don't want to end up as one of those blokes with multiple kids, to multiple different women and unable to effectively parent any of them. You're a grown man, a husband, and a father of one, and soon-to-be-two kids, if you're struggling now, it isn't going to get any easier, and you can't always expect me to pick up your slack - I've got my own life to lead. Comfort your son, just as I do when you're not around, and I'll pick him up at the appointed time."

Do you think that would work?

Honestly - sounds cheesy, but, Mumsnet rocks

I have taken what has been written in the last few days (along with RL advice) and putting ignore stance into practice. Bar episode this morning (he didn't call again) I have tried to put ex completely out of my mind. A good friend came round last night and I think if I had been in a worse place, I would have spent the whole night re-hasing the injustice of the whole situations, bawling my eyes out.....instead, gave her a very quick update (she was shocked to hear news as she saw me a lot with ex and has always commented on how I did everything - a hell of a lot more things than she does at home/for her partner and she is a SAHM), asked her to toast me moving on and we cracked on talking about other things!

I think now, after the shock, it is more like 'okay then. Enjoy that life'. I think as suggested earlier, the hardest thing was that I would not be having a child. If I think if I would like to be having another child with ex, then the answer is most certainly no (though I am hugely thankful for having DS, despite who his dad is). I am living a life where I can see how ex can be when he falls out of love with someone (and honestly, it is a complete shock - a complete change from the old ex I knew who would have bent over backwards for me, or so I thought). Of course may change my mind once baby is here and DS is talking about his baby brother or sister, but will cross that bridge when I come to it if/when it happens

Springy - yes, I remember you mentioning about your DD going into hospital. That is something that I could easily see ex doing (it was vital that he contact me several times super early this morning and yet, when he was away with DS for NY, he could not phone me when he was supposed to as he was busy enjoying a dinner party and could not contact me to let me know DS was okay in the morning as his phone was charging he couldn't be arsed ....so, yes, maybe I need to add a section to the notebook with colour codes explaining what constitutes as an emergency call etc.

Well/MajorB - wish I could say that to ex! But know what he will say 'dont flatter yourself, I was not calling for you. I was calling as DS was crying for you. You can choose not to speak to him when he is crying and upset etc etc'...basically, it would be spun back on me. Agree, I would never, have never called ex at silly o'clock just because DS is crying for him. A parenting course may come in hand for him, but he probably thinks he knows it all and better still knows the mistakes I made, so when new baby comes along, things will be perfect. Madness. But, hey, his madness!

Well - yes, we agreed that DS would not be dragged out to the train station when ex had him so he could drop off new wife. Though that was when they lived round here; it would have meant him bundling DS into the car, driving 20 or so mins to the train station, then coming back on himself and driving 25 mins or so back to take DS to nursery (nursery is near here, train station opposite end of the area). I didn't think it was fair to take DS out from say 7am-ish, drive all around when he didn't start nursery until 8am. Of course I dont have any say in this and I expect as she is now preggers and train station is near to their house, he could well be taking DS there on drop-offs. Not a huge problem I guess (in a choose your battles wisely kind of way) as long as DS doesn't then expect trips to the train station all the time en-route to nursery!

McNaughty - ah, but he spins it as the new wife is so wonderful and accommodating (apparently she is well aware of ex's daft suggestions for going a family away day - just me, him and DS - so she is also extremely confident of her position in ex's life to allow him to do this). And I suspect I am still portrayed as the un-appreciatve ex who nagged him to death, did this and that.....I know he is most probably spinning the lines about how their life is so perfect, so yes, best to let them carry on with their perfect life and I will forge out similar for DS and I. Interesting to read the perspectives of you and Well though...think thats how I would be and know a handful of friends who have moved here from various mainland European countries who have said the same about settling down and it taking time. But each to their own and all that.....

Xales - love that viewpoint, though forgot to add 'and in the meantime as new wife expands, Dee34 slims down and is now almost at pre-baby weight/dress size'. Stupid ex last week said to me 'you have dressed differently in the last year'. Er, I am wearing my OLD wardrobe from before I had DS (size 12) before I disappointed and 'balloned' to a size 18. Muppet. Will try and remember that view when I get the odd twinge of them having it all....

Patience - love that quote! Don't know where my old pile of inspirational stuff went after moving house, so need to start a new set.

MajorB - now that would be a turn up for the books! Ex obviously thinks that I cant get any better than him, hence calls at inappropriate times.....oh, if only!!

Dolly - Happy Australia Day! Huge thanks and keep up the good work yourself in distancing yourself from ex. We definitely are better and do deserve better! Yes, it is a bit like a renewed sense of freedom, still all a bit new following recent past, but it does feel good.

Hope you and DS have a lovely meal out and agree with Patience about Lara Croft - sounds like wonderful therapy! Wish I could do the same....

Something I read today that I thought may be apt in your situation/s. The writing style is a bit clunky but it's about effective ways to communicate with a narcissist and, as your ex?s behaviour/s seems to be well on the narcissism spectrum, it may come in handy:

Skills for dealing with attempts to intimidate can be divided into two areas, intrapersonal and interpersonal. Intrapersonally, it is essential not to reacte. This means that reactions of fear, impatience, or anger are not practical. In their place should be patience and curiosity. On an interpersonal level, responses and questions like, ?that?s interesting; could you explain that??; or, ?I am not clear about that; would you please clarify (or elaborate)?"; or, ?it seems like there is a contradiction in your logic.?

All of these can generate positive results in terms of reducing the control of the narcissistic forces. This is done through the non-reaction, which communicates, ?you are not so powerful that you can manipulate me, or us, and distract us from the issue?. It is also done through the questions which communicate, ?I/we are not afraid of you; we are not leaving the space/situation to your control alone; we will challenge you if necessary; you cannot win through intimidation or disinformation?

Think Dr Hawkins robot voice

It takes a bit of practise - I, for one, find it very difficult to delete erm.. passion from my voice and have to check an arch inflection..

Hi Dolly Happy Australia Day [waves flags] and hope you're settling in well. [The weather helps, non?] xx

btw - none of his effing business what you're wearing Dee. Would it be appropriate for your bank manager to comment on your apparel? No different here.

Hi Dee Darl

SO pleased that you are bouncing back and had a nice evening with your friend. So much of it is training your brain to reframe and reorder negative could have been/what if thoughts (of which I am the undisputed champion of the world) but sounds like you are doing pretty damn well. Also love Xales description and it did cross my mind too - as I think I said, no more hot sex and hot and cold running mini-breaks for a while. Oh dear, what a shame. I think she has definately made her bed (by setting up camp in yours) so I'm not being 'poor her' about it but I know from experience the strain of having a child away from family and friends even if you are madly in love (as I was). It is going to be tough for her and for your ex to deal with, however, 'easy' it may look from the outside looking in. I know its not nice to indulge in schadenfreude but hey we are only human ; )

Thanks everyone for the Australia Day wishes. Last year was just awful with me sitting around friends pool crying etc and this year we had no plans (tends to be very much a family day so a bit down) and was shitty weather but ended up being a lovely day. Ended up playing beach cricket with DS in rain, then impromptu lunch with girlfriend and her kids as her DH was working (own business), impromptu drinks with another girlfriend and her baby as her DH was sick, then a little too much wine with my lovely new tenant (art dealer who is relocating to Sydney to work in friend's gallery and between houses) chatting about stuff and a timely reminder that I am actually quite an interesting and pretty nice person all in all (I think the hard part of last year was doubting myself and wondering if I was indeed this awful miserable bitch of a person and that I deserved to be left and demonised by ex). I feel OK just right at the moment to be honest and beginning, like Dee mentioned, to realise that if this is the person he is when is not in love with someone anymore, it is not someone I would wish to be with. I had always given myself permission to write off 2011 and just BE and sit in whatever emotions I felt (wretched and miserable and often quite pathetic) but told myself on my return in 2012 it was time to reclaim the old Dolly who was actually quite fun to sit next to at a dinner party (vs too thin, too much wine, too many cigarettes, fragile, unhappy Valley of the Dolls-esque Dolly of late). Can't say I am there yet but I WANT to be. Am also organising more social things and have drinks out with two girlfriends tonight (bit tough as first w/end I haven't had DS since our lovely long trip).

Ex is being a pain, but a bit like Dee, right now I feel very disconnected by it all and don't want to - indeed choosing NOT to engage. Recent little episode is that before xmas was seeing child psychologist on my own with view to ex seeing her on his own then having mediated session about how better to communicate with each other in relation to our DS. I thought this would be a +ve thing for the NY and give us the opportunity to have to listen to each other and hopefully improve things without going off tangent (me included) as we would have a third party to bring us back to the point and hopefully help things.

Anyway, he now is not going to do it as he does not believe a child psychologist is the best person to talk to us about communicating re our son (errr. if not a child psychologist then who? the f'ing gardener? - anyway, politely asked him to email me ideas of who would be best suited) and that "our communication issues are rooted in a continued desire from you to not live in the present, look to the future and blame me for everything.". Old Dolly would have gone off a bit on this one but new Dolly replied saying "I will ignore the dig about all of our communications issues are down to 'a continued desire for (me) to not live in the present' and refrain from offering my perspective on the issues/problem as you would no doubt find it as inflammatory as I do and it will lead to a sprial of your fault/no your fault/no your fault type of thing which I believe we - certainly I - am seeking to avoid. Instead lets both try and work together for DS by seeing psychologist". Anyway, he won't but I tried and he is the person obstructing it for now real reason. Gold star for being restrained please ladies

Real issue now is to sell house and get job as my mom job is now only a few hours a week as they are not busy but I feel up for it (child care nightmares aside) and much more mentally robust. I think a few Terry's chocolate oranges have made me a bit more physically robust too!

Hope everyone is doing OK, Well, I think of you often as I you are where I was 9 months or so ago and I found it just a horrendous time. Springy, I hope all is good with you and your family and Patience, you sound like you are in a good place and love to all others.

Kisses
Dolly

So uplifting to read your post Dolly ,yeah i am in amuch more contented place these days..I have left the violent feelings of anger and bitterness behind now and i think re the lost relationship im just left with dissapointment.Sadness the kids lost out financially and emotionally but it really is
Accepting the things
I cannot change .........
No doubt i will lapse before the divorce is final,but I am slowly rebuilding my life and its amazing the changes that are occuring,all because I make better choices re what is in my best interests.Big hugs to everyone xxxx

ps Dee loving your positivity !!!!

I honestly think for me I had a real turning point when i just accepted i was going to be doing the kids 24/7 with v little money from ex.I think a part of me just didnt believe the whole "walk away " scenario.Now ive got my head round it I can start to get on with my new life.But part of my recovery was definately setting high boundaries regarding exs behaviour towards me.He chose to walk his new path but my choice is not to be drawn into that world.

On BB, so apologies for poor writing...

So, resolve is still strong. No contact from Thursday am to Friday pm, when he called for DS. Which was fine. Roll onto this morning, first face to face contact since bombshell of Tuesday...he starts of proceedings by asking me if I have any spare pants for DS. Give an incredulous look as he knows DS is potty training and had said that he had plenty of pants...but, ah, soon transpires that he actually means trousers (have had other Americanisms along the way, biscuits are now cookies etc etc). Anyway, he then goes. All fine. I then get an email at 10.05am asking me when DS' swimming lesson is. A perfectly fine request, but, he took DS to the exact same swimming lesson last Sat (though now thinking if he bothered as he can't be that forgetful? And as it was day after he moved house and esp dubious that it was a bit too much for him/them etc etc) and last Sat I had explained on the doorstep how DS still needed a swimming nappy for his lesson at (surprise, surprise) 10.15am. I had also sent an email in that week stating lesson time and for him to make sure he had made a note of it.

As he sent it at 10.05am and DS lesson is at 10.15am, I erred on side of caution in case he is just incredibly dumb and didn't want DS to miss his lesson....I feel for some reason that I shouldn't have bothered replying at all and just raised it at drop off tomorrow am?

I think he is being a lazy arse and still relying on me to do the bulk of the dull/boring parenting stuff, such as reminding him of times and dates etc??