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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH & drink driving (again)

321 replies

abbdabb · 24/10/2011 19:59

I recently reported DH to the police regarding his drink driving, but nothing happened. He hasn't been stopped & continues to drink & drive.

Yesterday, he wanted to take DS out for lunch. I said they should get a taxi if he was going to drink. I know if he goes out for lunch it will involve lots of alcohol. DH told me to mind my own business, I was being a control freak.

In the end he went alone, DS stayed at home.

I'm obviously not getting through & need to find a way to talk to DH so that he will listen. How do I do this?

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 25/10/2011 10:34

You are. Jane talking utter rubbish. I've done it. WHat she has done is enable her pisshead husband to go out onto the road, and practice, risking peoples lives.

She whinges she can't do anything, again zero sympathy, she can. I have, she can. She then gets validation to allow the cycle to carry on from bleeding hearts like you.

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:34

Jane, she has knowingly allowed herself and her dc to get in a car when he is over the driving limit

is that "not wrong" ?

Hammy02 · 25/10/2011 10:37

Apart from the drink driving in the evening, I am also concerned about him being a dentist. It takes an hour per unit for alcohol to leave the body so it is highly likely that even if he stops drinking at 11pm, he will still have alcohol in his body at noon the next day. Not a great idea to be dealing with anaesthetics etc while under the influence.

blossom123 · 25/10/2011 10:39

My alcoholic DP went on a bender this weekend and decided on Sunday that he was going to drive to the kebab shop, I grabbed the keys and told him if he set foot in the car I would call the police. I was called a control freak and many other names. However in the cold light of day when sober he actually thanked me said he realised I was only helping him and is totally an utterly ashamed. Also vindictive X employee of mine a few years ago reported me for DD ( I have never done it or never would) they atually waited for me pulled me up in pertol station, it became pretty obvious I was stone cold sober and they realised someone was trying to stich me up, BUT the point is if OP has reported this to the police, they will be watching.

MoaninMinny · 25/10/2011 10:40

how will you be off financially OP if he gets put in prison for causing death driving under the influence?

still, i expect the money is nice while he is earning eh, regardless.

I expect the kids will fully support you when they are grown, knowing their mum turned a blind eye to their dad hurting others

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:40

What and you're going to use that against her for ever AF? We've all done wrong things, She says here that she has reported her DH to the police and stopped him taking their child out in the car. That is progress from what you say.
I have been in a car with my ex, when he was drunk. I was co dependant in that situation (many years ago). I stopped allowing it and we are safe from that aspect ofhis behaviour. OP is still stuck somewhere in the mess, and needs to get free somehow but if she fights him for residence of the children, it's unlikely she will end up without him having access at least and then what? He can do what he jolly well likes with the kids.

Bubblegum, perhaps you can explain how you have managed to stop the person you were involved with from drinking and driving with your children? Or from having access? I think that would be really useful to know for many of us. If it isn't too personal to put on here.

MoaninMinny · 25/10/2011 10:41

our police force were on twitter urging people to report drink drivers. I asked what they did and they said they circulated the registration immediately and any patrol car would be alerted if they passed it

PhishFoodAddiction · 25/10/2011 10:43

How nice that you have the choice to keep your DS home when your pillock of a husband is driving drunk.

No-one else knows to keep their DC at home when this pisshead is out driving his deathtrap.

It makes me so angry. My H is a firefighter, he deals with many car crashes which often involve a drunk driver. Sadly, it's not usually the drunk driver who is seriously injured or killed.

Every time you know he has been drinking, and then got in his car, call the police. You are being complicit in this if you don't.

And he is also a dentist?! Practising on patients while he is under the influence of alcohol? Words fail me.

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:43

I think seriously the financial aspect is likely to be low on the list of reasons to stay...it's only an excuse. But why not put the boot in anyway Minnie.

it's too easy a stereotype to NOT be sarcastic about, isn't it? 'Wife stays with abusive husband for money'. Gives us an easy target.

bubblegumpop · 25/10/2011 10:48

Easy. I got everyone involved, SS, HV, solicitior, everyone. Shouted it from the roof tops. It was a legal aid solicitor too. Not some expensive one. As soon as I left he pissed all the money, house, my belongings up the wall. I had nothing.

Listed every single pissed up incident in my divorce. Every last one. There was no way on this earth he was ever getting access to the children. Ever. I left and went in to sheltered accommodation. Not nice, but I did it. That showed all concerned, I was that bothered by his antics, that I had to go. Leave a nice house, lots of money.

I left with nothing. Paid all my debts off, financial abuse to keep me there, pushed really hard to do well in my career, that waster did nothing for me. Both of my children were also disabled....so the odds were against me.

I am not saying it wasn't hard it was. But I did it, and I'm now laughing my socks off, whilst as far as I know, he still spends every weekend, in his local and is now broke.

It was hard, hard work, but I did it. I had everything and left with nothing. Scary but very do-able. No child will be left homeless in the UK, that's all that matters at first.

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:50

Jane...did you read my log post upthread ?

I didn't advocate she "fights" him for anything. They don't live together.

What she needs to do is cut off all contact with him. Then when he fights her (who says he will ???...he has a lot to lose here...) she counters it

I think questioning her circumstances is relevant. If she comes back to say they are not married legally, and the house she lives in is in his name, then she is in a very different scenario than the one she is leading us to believe

He may not be even entitled to fight for residency of the dc. She says he has "threatened" it...but makes no mention of taking legal advice to onfirm or deny his rights. She makes no mention of anything at all to help herself, in actual fact

in amongst the shck and horror o this thread, there is excllent advice

she acknowledges none of it, except by saying she "just can't" do this or that

I don't believe her, on the information she has given us

So, she really shouldn't be surprised she got such a pasting on that

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:50

long post

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:53

Well that's inspiring...though you say it was 'easy' and then that it was bloody hard, I tend to think the latter. And I've been through womens aid counselling and legal aid and that too, though never been through what you have...again I was lucky.

One point, I don;'t think legal aid is offered now in family courts?Or is it? Can anyone clarify?

If we are going to do anything on this thread Ithink we should be trying to find a way the OP, or others reading in a bad situation, can actual;ly take control without the risk, or threat, of losing even more control than they started with,

iyswim
I'm not an expert on this. But I do know what the fear is like.
Bubblegumpop you did really well.

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:53

Crossed posts, my last post was to Bubblegum.

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:57

I know, sorry for typos in crossed post, I have a dodgy keyboard and quick fingers Smile

Jane, I see where you are coming from, and I admire you for it

I am often to be found being a strong advocate for women

Not here though

Enabling and condoning a drink driver (I am completely separating the problem drinking and the driving, btw, and always have) trumps everything though, IMO

bubblegumpop · 25/10/2011 10:58

Thanks. It is in DA cases, I'm sure of it.

But that's where ops circs do come into it. If she isn't actually married, he may not even have pr. SO it's a moot point ifyswim?

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 11:00

Thankyou AF. I do see what you are saying too.

I just think sometimes bottom up is the way to go on these issues, not top down, ie what it should look like is often not imaginable to the OP, you have to walk them through it from where they are NOW

iyswim
honestly we are all on the side of right, we want you out of there, Abbdabb

it's just a question of how

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 11:02

Yes BGP and it would be good if she can get legal aid. I did,
but it was years ago

Maybe she will come back and clarify if she is married, if he has PR etc. Mine was not put on the birth certificate and never applied

AyeDunnoReally · 25/10/2011 11:03

bubblegumpop, you did brilliantly, especially with the gathering lots of support around you - sounds like you'll have loads of practical tips for the OP.

May I just ask something? You said that you listed "every pissed up incident" in the divorce - does that mean that you spent a period of time before you split up in the situation the OP's husband has put her in? Or were they all after you left him and you just (understandably) wanted to make sure he wasn't in a position to harm your children?

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 11:05

Jane, I think what gave my reaction a particular spike is that "walking her through it" was attempted on the last thread she posted, in huge and painful detail

about the same problem

about which she has made one token phone call to the police and on one occasion has stopped her son getting in the car

it's not enough...not nearly enough

positive reinforcement for tiny steps is one thing...but in the meantime ?

She knowingly aids and abets a drunk driver

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 11:07

and he starts drinking at lunch time, I think it worth reminding people

differentnameforthis · 25/10/2011 11:08

he also drinks from lunch time, doesn't he? Is he seeing patients in the afternoon?
If so, seriously consider reporting him to the GDC, he shouldn't be seeing pts under the influence.

differentnameforthis · 25/10/2011 11:15

ILoveTIFFANY

He's a dentist, according to ops previous threads.

bubblegumpop · 25/10/2011 11:19

Nope, he never did DD, ever, until the day I left him. I reported it. He had reached a new level, of not just not drinking himself to death, but threatening others.

No, I had to cover up for him, when he was in bed, sick, passed out on the floor, keep the kids away from it, cover the bruises. That kind of thing. Until one day I snapped. I'd spent so much time covering his arse. The kids were very young, and tbh, not with the mental capacity to understand. I still covered all of his tracks. They never saw.

Until he got into a car and drove, exactly like his mother, no regard for other peoples lives. I saw from her, it was now a one way street. So I reported the twunt and got out.

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 11:25

The PR is given almost routinely. It's a moot point. He wouldn't have to fight for it, merely apply

Op WOULD have a fight on her hands regards access. There is no proof he is alcoholic. To the world, he appears to be a sucsessful dentist.

Family courts nearly always give access. From the threads op gas started, she doesn't come across as a fighter.