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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH & drink driving (again)

321 replies

abbdabb · 24/10/2011 19:59

I recently reported DH to the police regarding his drink driving, but nothing happened. He hasn't been stopped & continues to drink & drive.

Yesterday, he wanted to take DS out for lunch. I said they should get a taxi if he was going to drink. I know if he goes out for lunch it will involve lots of alcohol. DH told me to mind my own business, I was being a control freak.

In the end he went alone, DS stayed at home.

I'm obviously not getting through & need to find a way to talk to DH so that he will listen. How do I do this?

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 26/10/2011 21:23

She is as bad as him. You know someone is drink driving. You report it. No excuses. I'm sure your bleeding heart, will go down well with the families who have been destroyed by dd.

Anyone who does not report a knowingly drunk driver, is equally responsible if anything should happen. By not involving the police. I dont care if you think that's horrible Jane. You seem to be the only person who does.

Creamcake1 · 26/10/2011 22:42

It seems this is what happens to someone who lives with a person who is so dependant on alcohol that they do things with no conscience or respect for anyone else,

It takes away ones

Confidence
Dignity
Self respect
Also I think it takes away their ability of making the right decision because whichever decision they make seems to be the wrong decision, it's like whatever they do is never right, and there is only 1 person to blame for that!

Creamcake1 · 26/10/2011 22:45

The person that took all this away from her!

garlicBreathZombie · 26/10/2011 23:00

I agree, Creamcake. Shouting at a woman who's already ground down isn't all that nice or clever.

Creamcake1 · 26/10/2011 23:12

Not clever at all

I just wonder how many times she has been told what to do in an abusive manner never mind people turning against here because she can't find the courage to fight back.
Abbdabb needs to be strong, yes it's hard when your weak, you probably feel like giving in because it's too much to fight anymore, but the more you focus on how wrong the situation is, the easier it should become.

AyeDunnoReally · 26/10/2011 23:13

She is not as bad as him, ffs. I bet the way some of you lot are speaking to her will seem horribly familiar, though.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 27/10/2011 08:02

The op has her own house and she should close the door on her partner until he sorts himself out, joins aa etc. Not only is the partner lowlife for drink driving, he clearly has little respect for his partner. The op by tolerating his behaviour is not setting a good example to her dc.

JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 08:10

bubblegumpop Wed 26-Oct-11 21:23:16
She is as bad as him. You know someone is drink driving. You report it. No excuses. I'm sure your bleeding heart, will go down well with the families who have been destroyed by dd.

Anyone who does not report a knowingly drunk driver, is equally responsible if anything should happen. By not involving the police. I dont care if you think that's horrible Jane. You seem to be the only person who does.

What a revolting post...not only are you condemning someone because they haven't got there yet in terms of reporting him EVERY TIME he drinks and drives - actually, how do you know she isn't doing? And it would be pointless anyway, the police won't take kindly to being phoned every single day about the same person they've already logged the details of presumably...and she HAS logged his details with them.

But you're insulting me, saying I am a 'bleeding heart' which is bollocks. You're also trying to bully me into submission by saying I'm the 'only person who thinks it's Ok' that she hasn't involved the police...she has involved the police, which I think was the right thing to do.

I don't get where you are coming from at all, apart from having an easy pop at someone you don't seem to like, ie me, as well as the OP of course.

I'm not going to let it worry me because it's so obvious that you're being rude for the sake of it.

JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Creamcake1 · 27/10/2011 08:44

There are people out there who will judge and bully, why they do this I will never know, they think they have some kind of power over a person who doesn't agree with them so this is their way of getting back at them, they are thinking - right that's it, she/he doesn't like what I'm saying and they start to feel humiliated by that so they bite back in a way they wouldn't like to be treated themselves (coz they know how much it hurts), I think it's absolutely disgusting the way people talk to one another through text or email, because i can bet there is no way in this world they would talk to them face to face like this.
It's an easy way to say something bad with NO eye contact which is cowardly!!!!

People seem to be forgetting WHO this is actually about!!

She came for help!!
Where is it?

All I can see through alot of this is anger and hatred and for who???

bellsring · 27/10/2011 09:00

OP, you said earlier that he said 'I don't have to drink. I do it because I like it'. That's what my ex always said too. Does your H even admit he HAS a problem with drink?

mintvelvet · 27/10/2011 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblegumpop · 27/10/2011 16:19

I would tell anyone to their face, that by allowing a drink driver to carry on is equally as responsible as they are if anything happens.

I don't need to hide beind the pc, I'd tell them to their face.

FWIW, The police NEED to catch him in the act. To do this they need reports EVERY SINGLE TIME, that op knows he is going in the car drunk. Times, places, estimates, locations.

The police will seek to either wait for him, or track him en route. The police WILL want this information, they hate drink drivers and go all out to catch them. As they are the ones usually first on scene to clean up the bodies.

A one off report may "flag2 him. No good if he doesn't flag the ANPR when he is out in the car pissed though. They need him red handed.

It's damn right irresponsible, and plain stupid, to advise op not to "pester" the police as they won't want to know every time.

The worst advice, I have ever, ever seen on MN.

What MV said.

JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 16:32

Well I have reported someone for drinking and driving, a few years ago now - I had the registration of the car, the times and days, everything. I called when he was doing it. I gave them all the information I had, and they said that they would 'see what they could do' but unfortunately, they weren't in a position to sit and wait around for him.

So perhaps my view is a little jaded. He was only caught when someone called them while he was slumped in his car in a public place, not actually driving it. This was years later.

They told me there wasn't much they could do the first time I did it, so the message was clearly 'don't bother us again' because I had no more info to offer them.

Don't be so dramatic...worst advice you've ever seen on MN? Really? You've not been here very long perhaps.

catsmother · 27/10/2011 16:58

Bubblegum and Mintvelvet are totally correct in what they say. I've got 2 very close relatives in the police and they've both confirmed it's utter nonsense to suggest that they "don't take kindly" to being called repeatedly about the same drunk driver.

Jane is correct in saying that the OP can't stop this man drinking, and probably can't physically stop him getting into a car when she knows he's been doing so but she CAN keep doing all she can to prevent a tragedy ... by placing the matter in the hands of the authorities who can get him off the road. Yeah - he could get back on the road, under the influence, when he gets his licence back but does that mean it's not "worth" removing him in the meantime ? What a cackhanded argument. And if and when he drink-drives again, you start reporting him again, because every minute he's off the road means the outside world is that little bit safer. You keep reporting people like this as often as you need to ..... and maybe, just maybe, being repeatedly arrested, charged and punished might just be the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out. Maybe, after his face has been in the local paper - hopefully, as a result of him "simply" being charged with drunk driving, and NOT, as a result of him injuring or killing someone - and his business starts to be affected, that might give him the shock he needs to get down to AA.

It's NOT true to say that "all" she can do is protect herself and her children. What a disgustingly selfish thing to say. What about the rest of us ? What about our children ? How bloody difficult is it to pick up the phone to the police ... to report something they want and need to know about ? That is doing all she can. With something as potentially serious as this, you can't shirk your responsibility towards other people - and yes, it is her responsibility, and the responsibility of anyone else in a similar position to do their moral and legal duty. I just don't understand why anyone would fail to do this - I do understand her fear of angering him but potentially preventing death(s) surely trumps that ? ... and if, as has been suggested, her fear is down to what she may lose materially if she gets on the wrong side of him and/or if he loses his income then I can see why some posters have got so angry about this. It's an absolute no brainer.

catsmother · 27/10/2011 17:05

Regardless of whether the police take action, every individual has the moral duty to report - and keep reporting - drunk drivers. The police will act on that info if they have the resources - obviously they can't be everywhere at once, and can't always respond in time - but banking on the police not being able to do anything anyway doesn't absolve anyone from at least trying. Really find it hard to believe they'd give the impression they didn't want to be "bothered" again.

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2011 17:08

Well I'm ex police myself....... Keep calling. Keep at it.

JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 19:38

Well I'm glad if I'm wrong and they will be interested in being called every day and given the exact same information, that's great and maybe she should keep doing it in that case.

I was given the impression that there was no more I could or should do, when I called them. They made me feel I had done my duty and they would take over from there.

Whatever though...I'll take my cackhanded, utterly nonsensical, and disgustingly selfish posts elsewhere for this evening so as not to justify anyone causing death by indirect means.

JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 19:39

Oh and unbelievable...forgot that one.

Night all.

Original poster
abbdabb · 27/10/2011 19:43

Hi, sorry, but I haven't read the posts, yet. My mum is in hospital at the moment.

DH was stopped by the police on tuesday night. he'd had an evening meal with us at 6pm, drank a bottle of wine. I told him to get a taxi, but he left at 10pm in the car. I phoned the police as soon as he left, his journey home is only 20 mins.

he was breathalised & found NOT over the limit. How much is too much? a bottle is 10 units, 4 hours btwn drinking & driving would mean the equivalent of driving with 6 units?

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 27/10/2011 19:45

am going through the posts. Sorry JaneB, you shouldn't have taken a battering from other posters, it's all aimed at me, sorry for what you have been through.

OP posts:
Original poster
abbdabb · 27/10/2011 19:47

Oh ..., am going through the posts.

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 19:47

I don't know - just wanted to say, well done, and please be warned there's some not very nice posts further down. Don't take it personally if you read them. It's just people letting off steam at an easy target and please dont let it put you off reading the helpful advice.

Of which there is a lot too!

JaneBirkin · 27/10/2011 19:50

No problem, people just thought I was justifying you doing something or other, I hope some of it makes sense. Smile