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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH & drink driving (again)

321 replies

abbdabb · 24/10/2011 19:59

I recently reported DH to the police regarding his drink driving, but nothing happened. He hasn't been stopped & continues to drink & drive.

Yesterday, he wanted to take DS out for lunch. I said they should get a taxi if he was going to drink. I know if he goes out for lunch it will involve lots of alcohol. DH told me to mind my own business, I was being a control freak.

In the end he went alone, DS stayed at home.

I'm obviously not getting through & need to find a way to talk to DH so that he will listen. How do I do this?

OP posts:
GalloweesG · 25/10/2011 07:48

Just looked at ops other posts, she has been posting about her homelife and how dodgy it is for a while now.

AbbDabb wtf are you playing at? This isn't one bad part of a good mans life, this is a very bad man and you're in a dreadful relationship.

When your husband kills someone through his driving he'll be in prison and you'll be free, is that what you're waiting for?

DontGoCurly · 25/10/2011 08:06

abbdabb, you said earlier

His drinking wouldn't stop if I left him

So what, that's not your problem. Your problem is protecting your kids from this man who is alcoholic and proud.

By leaving, I wouldn't be saving him or anyone else for that matter

Eh, it's not your job to save him. Where did you get that idea. No-one in the history of the Universe has 'saved' an alcoholic. They can only do that themselves. All you are doing at the moment is enabling him.

You're giving these wishy-washy excuses about the kids being worse off if you two 'split up' -they won't and you know it.

He doesn't live there anyway, all you have to do is tell him not to come over any more and lock the door. If he starts any trouble film him on your mobile phone while waiting for the police to arrive. There's your proof easy as pie.

Speaking of 'proof' you keep going on about having to proove he's an alcoholic. You don't. And by the way, don't think people don't already know because they do.

I lived with and left an alcoholic. He was a cunning bastard but I got away evntually.

Don't be giving us all that crap about the marriage vows. That's just a cop out. The kids are being damaged. Don't be a coward. Face up to that and do the right thing. Ditch him.

DontGoCurly · 25/10/2011 08:08

Oh and by the way sorry about your relatives having cancer but I'm afraid there is never a 'good time' to do these things. In fact being under the extra stress only compounds the fact that you need to get his malevolant influence out of your life as soon as possible.

bubblegumpop · 25/10/2011 08:41

Ironic. Was it your pisshead of a husband op that has just ran my husband off the road this am? From still being pissed from last night, all over the lanes?

Well was it? The only redeeming feature of this pisshead, is my husband is unharmed thank god.

This wanker could have wiped out my husband, the father to all of my children. Even the two I mentioned earlier. They don't have anything to do with their waster alch dad.

Wonder if his wife waved him off this am. For the cash, because she couldn't do anything.

Scum.

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 08:45

I doubt op will be back to this. There will be another thread next week

notevenamOoOooOoooosie · 25/10/2011 09:05

I'm an alcoholic, and as such I know quite a lot of recovering alcoholics. Some of them have had their nearest and dearest call the police on them, and been arrested for DWI. And do you know what - they are grateful. Grateful to their family for stopping the enabling and letting it get so bad that things started to get better. Of course, there are plenty of others out there who continued to blame the world for their problems. If, behind the horrendous things he has done, is a decent man who wants help, one day he will thank you. And if there isn't, the rest of society will continue to thank you. I had family call social services on me and my behaviour, and do you know what, I am grateful, because it got so bad that I became willing to get well, and now I have a happy daughter in my happy home. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, btw. I don't know the back story but AF is right. You can leave. If I'd been with someone, they should have left me.

JanePumpkin · 25/10/2011 09:21

I think sometimes people are very naive about what happens when a family splits up. It's almost impossible to stop a father having access.

If he makes a fuss, he could end up with them for half the week.

I can understand why the OP thinks she is protecting her kids by staying with him. However he has got her/them over a barrel, either they put up with his nasty controlling behaviour, or he will have a tantrum and demand residense or at least 50/50 access

he's a massive bully

I wish the court system in this country recognised the damage some parents can do to their children and were more protective about kids when it came to this sort of thing, he'd get access, when really he shouldn't. \the kids should have access to HIM but not the other way round.

OP is in an impossible position
My son's father is an alcoholic but he is remarried and not the sort to fight for his rights, if he was I would have NO idea where ds was when he was with him, and he drinks and drives all the time (past conviction notwithstanding)

I would be in her position if he was that sort of man to fight me over the kids

There is no way out tbh. He wins either way thanks to the court system.

JanePumpkin · 25/10/2011 09:25

What I mean is, I have been very lucky in ending up with full residence (we never went to court)

He doesn't bother with ds and that's painful and damaging enough, without ds being driven around by a drunk person every weekend as well, which thankfully never happens.

I was LUCKY that he left us alone.
OP is NOT in that position, if she leaves him the kids will be at risk, if she stays they are at risk of this crap that's going on now but at least she can stop him driving them around

It's a no win situation

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 09:34

and of course, OP will pick up on that one post that gives her the get-out clause she was hoping for, among the overwhelming majority that condemn her active decision to stay with an abuser who puts lives at risk purposefully

you got it OP...your validation

good work

toddlerama · 25/10/2011 09:37

OP, are you legally married in the UK? You don't live together but he supports your household and visits with you. It sounds like you refer to someone as your "DH" and ignore all questions about divorce...is it because you can't divorce someone you aren't married to? Are you in a dysfunctional relationship (because this is - married or not) and don't know how to end it? If you are worried about him not paying for your household if you end the relationship ask yourself if the financial security is worth a human life - your DCs or someone elses. Sad

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 09:40

I have a theory

It may be bollocks

This "DH" is actually legally married to someone else

OP is the "second wife" (either a mistress or a culturally-but-not-legally recognised "marriage") and in a very, very precarious financial position

Lemonylemon · 25/10/2011 09:43

Actually, OP, you will be as responsible as your husband precisely because you didn't have the balls to stand up and be counted and report your H again.

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2011 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GalloweesG · 25/10/2011 09:46

Something doesn't add up, you're probably right APF

toddlerama · 25/10/2011 10:08

APF, that's exactly what I thought too.

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:12

I feel happier with that theory

Because the one I went to bed with last night was most definitely not printable

AyeDunnoReally · 25/10/2011 10:21

JanePumpkin is spot on, though. It's what keeps many marriages with alcoholics "intact". How do you prove that someone is an alcoholic if they won't admit it and have never sought treatment? And given the number of unlicensed, uninsured and untaxed cars and their disqualified/unqualified drivers on the road, taking away a driving licence doesn't actually stop someone driving whilst disqualified.

I understand why the OP is getting a hard time. I also understand why it's so hard to get a satisfactory(and practical) outcome in this situation under the current law.

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:22

AF I'm trying to point out that it isn't as simple as 'leave him'. It's almost never that simple and bashing the OP over the head with this simple statement isn't working.

We have to try and find a constructive solution, yes the idealism is important too and I don't want to negate what you are saying because this is certainly a horrendous situation fof her and the kids at present.

I'm just pointing out that leaving him may not actually improve things and that's nopt the OP's fault, neither can I think of a way she could avoid that happening. Has anyone come up with a way that the children will be protected from him if she leaves him? Considering it's unlikely he will end up in prison.

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:25

Thanks aye.

Also AF I think speculating openly about the OP's possible situation (which she has not mentioned) is at best really unhelpful and at worst is likely to end up with her not bothering to come back.

bubblegumpop · 25/10/2011 10:28

That's got to be it. It's got to be financial. Who, in a normal healthy marriage. Lives separately for their whole married life, Going to the expense of running two houses.

That in itself is a bizzare set up. So op is OW or one of multiple "wives". Nothing else makes sense to have lived apart for the whole of their married life. It's just absurd.

She won't be getting fuck all sympathy from me. When he ends up banged up/struck off.

But at least Jane gave her the validation. To wave him off every morning, pisshead that he is to drive into other people, medically practice on other people.

Op I've been there, she is talking bollocks. If you are determined enough. You can fight custody, but it all has to come out. Then again if you aren't legally married, he may not have PR. Problem solved.

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:28

Jane...do you think she will come back, anyway ?

believe me, trying to find a more understandable reason as to why she is living like this is being generous towards her

Creamcake1 · 25/10/2011 10:29

Abbdabb-this needs to be done when the time is right for you, only u know how your feeling inside and what's going on in your own mind, in no way am I saying this is right but others need to try understand how hard this is and any negativity will push you into a corner.you have your own health to think about too.

AnyPhantomFucker · 25/10/2011 10:30

Jane...have you read OP's previous threads ?

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:31

Why shouldn't we be generous, what has she done wrong?

Bubblegumpop you only ever seem to post angry things that don't really help. I'm not talking bollocks.

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 10:32

I don't know AF. Memory like a sieve