DH & drink driving (again)

[abbdabb]

I recently reported DH to the police regarding his drink driving, but nothing happened. He hasn't been stopped & continues to drink & drive.

Yesterday, he wanted to take DS out for lunch. I said they should get a taxi if he was going to drink. I know if he goes out for lunch it will involve lots of alcohol. DH told me to mind my own business, I was being a control freak.

In the end he went alone, DS stayed at home.

I'm obviously not getting through & need to find a way to talk to DH so that he will listen. How do I do this?

Where do I start?

I'm not an 'OW', DH & I are married. We live in seperate houses. not conventional, but that's how it's always been.

I am a SAHM, does that mean i am a 'kept woman' ? Not sure about that one. yes, DH does earn a high income but I put a 150k cash deposit on the house that i live in.

Will read more now ...

Well tbh you already explained your circs quite well, so I don't know why people were jumping to weird conclusions about that

I'm wondeirng though where everyone has gone... this was a well busy thread when you weren't about to defend yourself, and now you are, people seem to have got bored.

I think sometimes an imaginary person is more fun than someone real iyswim,

I've no idea how much he would need to drink in order to get a positive reading. Have the police told you to keep calling them? It sounds like they are taking it seriously. Does he know it was you who called them? (probably silly question)

I am still watching - abbdabb said she was going to read through and comment so I was giving her time to do so. Abbdabb, sorry to hear about your mum. I hope you get through the thread ok, lots of anger but all of it well intentioned

I like your name

Not sure if all was well intentioned though...anyway...

(thanks Jane! It's from the film the long goodbye)

Oh, proper cultural reference! I thought it was Spanish for cat flap

I might write a little sign above ours.

Sorry for hijack OP I've to go to bed but hope you're alright. Will check in tomorrow.

I can't stand it when threads get shouty.

Abbdabb, I'm delighted to see you came back to your thread but wouldn't blame you if you imploded while reading it ...

... I'm also guessing you wouldn't have liked some of the things I posted earlier on, where I made some assumptions about the kind of character your H is. I based my assumptions on life experience, but I have one scientific fact for you: some people really do enjoy super-efficient alcohol consumption. It's to do with the combination of alcohol-processing enzymes they have - which is genetic.

The 'efficient' combination is more prevalent in Nordic types and those descended from tribesmen of the Russian Steppes, though it also turns up in some people of African heritage. Additionally, this set of genes mutates fairly quickly - someone from a long line of very hard drinkers would be more likely to have the genetic ability to metabolise alcohol quickly. The downside of the 'efficient' enzyme combination is that it makes liver disease more likely (due to the by-products they release on processing alcohol.)

So there's your genetic bit about why some people really can show lower-than-average blood alcohol levels after drinking.

The other part is purely observational. You'll have to trust me when I tell you I have known a lot of charismatic, successful psychopaths who display a phenomenal ability to engage in addictive behaviours without getting addicted. It has been medically noted that psychopaths have a very high pain threshold. My unscientific theory is that the shutting off of parts of their brain (which is proven) interrupts the links between physical sensation and emotion. Ergo - unscientifically - socio/psychopaths both crave more 'excitement', in order to get the buzz, and are unattached emotionally to those excitements. They can seem addicted but, in fact, make a free choice every time and can stop on a pinhead. My guess is it's something to do with neurotransmitters, eg dopamines.

So, anyway, I've allowed my past familiarity with psycho/sociopaths to paint me a picture of your H not as an alcoholic, but as a boundary-pusher with the inability to care very much about other people. Whether thinking about the children he might hit while driving a bit pissed, his own children, his patients or you, I suspect he really can't care very much because he really can't see them as actual people with lives. I suspect he feels kind of empty inside but - far from using alcohol to numb that pain, uses it to get some semblance of feeling. I asked whether he abuses the drugs at work because I've known quite a few dentists who did exactly that - for the same reason; to 'see what happens'.

Indulge my ramble, please. I'll be interested to hear whether you think your peripatetic H is like the hollow-souled charmers I've known :)

OP, well done for ringing the police again. KEEP DOING THAT. Honestly, just keep doing and doing it. Everytime you suspect he's driving drunk. Because he'll get paranoid about driving if he's always getting pulled over, and eventually he will be over the limit. Both good outcomes.

Also, document his behaviour. Write it all down, but video it as well. Video him drinking at your house, then driving off. (And call the police, of course.)

See a solicitor to get good advice about how to stop him getting access to your DC. You don't need to divorce him to see a solicitor.

I'm really pleased to see you called the police again. That's what you must keep doing every time you believe he's over the limit. Unfortunately, you have no way of knowing if he's actually over the limit or not based on how many drinks he's had or what sort of alcohol he's drunk - which is why the police must be given the opportunity to test him. You'd have thought, wouldn't you, that a bottle of wine probably would place most people over the limit after 4 hours but so many factors come into play and it's entirely possible he was only just inside the limit and another time, when maybe he's not eaten as much, or has drunk something with a different alcohol volume, or a different time period has elapsed, he won't be so lucky to get a negative reading.

I know that I haven't wanted to give you a hard time per se in what I've written, and I bet no-one else has either ... i.e. no-one is "bullying" you for the thrill of it. This is however an extremely emotive topic and the bottom line is that when lives could be at risk, and we as individuals suspect that, we all have a moral obligation to do everything within our power to negate that risk. I don't want to be "nasty" to anyone but if by speaking frankly I can help someone to do the right thing, and prevent a tragedy, then that's what I'll do.

It always bemuses me BTW when, every so often on MN, posters are accused of "disappearing" when a thread goes temporarily quiet. You'd never imagine that some (probably most) of us have lives outside of posting on an internet forum would you ! Ho hum.

Anyway, Abbdabb, I really am pleased you made that call. Keep doing this and hopefully one day it will all come to a head and he'll get enough of a wake-up call to seek help and stop being so irresponsible. I fully appreciate that as a mother it must be a terrible worry for you when you know what he's like, and have to be on guard the whole time to ensure your children aren't affected by his drinking.

'It always bemuses me BTW when, every so often on MN, posters are accused of "disappearing" when a thread goes temporarily quiet. You'd never imagine that some (probably most) of us have lives outside of posting on an internet forum would you ! Ho hum.'

Catsmother, would it be rude to ask you to stop having a go at me? You've already criticised my posts massively.

I think it was justified to say people had disappeared. A thread that was very busy indeed, over 200 posts long with very few of them from the OP< and once she returns to it, only five people respond.

It was puzzling me. A lot of what was being posted before was pure fantasy and projection so I thought perhaps people just preferred to create their own scenario than talk to the real person behind the thread.

Anyway, it's not about me and you so I'll leave it for now. Hope you are doing alright OP.

I actually think you were rude to suggest that people who'd "disappeared" once the OP returned did so because they were "bored" and enjoyed debating an "imaginary" person.

Which is why I commented as I did ... because, speaking for myself, I certainly wasn't bored and indeed, this tread has been preying on my mind. I was delighted to see, when I logged in again this morning that the OP had taken the sensible and brave step of reporting her husband again.

Please don't be so touchy - as I said, or at least implied indirectly, you're not the 1st to raise a similar point on MN and people cannot be expected to remain online all day keeping the momentum of a particular thread going 24/7.

I do agree it's not about me and you though, and equally hope the OP is okay.

I didn't mean everyone. I said there was masses of helpful advice. I said 'people' had got bored, and 'somtimes' it was more enjoyable to discuss something imaginary than the real person, but you appear to have taken that personally.

I didn't once criticise anything in your posts, while you reeled off a list of attacks on mine. So really, calling me rude is a bit beyond.

Oh, and where is everyone else?

Personally I dislike drink drivers, can't stand them. Bizarre I know Jane but they annoy the hell out of me. Also get frustrated with those who don't step up, IMO, and be more proactive, to help prevent such behaviour. This is not a one off, this has been gong on for yonks, but apologies if I have this wrong. Maybe I am being callous, maybe I feel more for the people whose lives are ruined by drink drivers.

Bizarre? Okay I get the sarcasm. Do you really think I approve of drinking and driving? Have you read the bit where I said I reported someone? Someone I loved very much and knew very well indeed, but I don't want to go into too much detail on here as it's public.

I don't think it's as much the OP's responsibility as it is the person who is drinking and driving - that's all. Where have I said otherwise?

Abdabb

Good for you, keep up with the reporting as others have said every time & record the episodes. How do you know he blew negative when he was stopped? He could be lying to you so don't let that stop you!

Just a thought- could you stop buying wine for him to drink (or hide it for yourself!) so that when you ring the police you can add that you haven't provided it,he has brought it with him. It will all add to the profile of a desperate drinker.

Another thought & maybe GarlicZombie can add to this, but could it be, as a dentist he has access to mouthwashes/drugs that cover his alcoholic breath enough to skew the breathalyse readings? Also having googled a few things apprently hyperventilating just before breathing can reduce the reading enough to be a negative. Might he be doing this, does he boast of this? If so mention it to the police. What they need is a reason to discredit the breathalyser enough to demand a blood test which is more accurate.

I'm sorry things got so heated the other night, it is SUCH an emotive issue & we were all a bit frustrated that you weren't doing anything to help yourself as well as others. But now you are so please keep doing it & come here for moral support, you are having a tough time.

Well done OP for ringing them again. I know how hard it must be to do it but it must be done each and every time. Your H seems to be on a self distruct mission and he must be left to it or you and your dcs will be dragged down with him. Hopefully when he looses his licence it will be a big wake up call for him.

Yes, well done OP. What a horrid situation (my mum was an alcoholic so can empathise).

Very shocked at the vitriol on here. Think some people need to step away from their computers and mumsnet for a while.

You come on and post as many times as necessary.

If you need a chat (I don't disclose much on here due to what has unfolded on this thread). Please feel free to PM me.

Jane what is it with you? Every single post of yours is a dig at other people. I have yet to see one that isn't. Can't people go out

Anyway op I'm glad you seem to have taken on board the harsh but fair advice here. It's a good and brave thing what you have done. You just need to keep doing so after every time you know he has drunk and getting in the car.

He will get caught, and you are helping that to happen by doing so before some terrible accident, we can hope.

Well done, it must have been hard

Pardon? That's a very odd thing to say and completely unfounded.

Didn't think any of Jane's posts were having a dig

OP- I'm glad to see you back, and well done for reporting H's drink driving.

Please keep on doing it. He will get caught over the limit sooner rather than later. Maybe losing his license will give him a wake up call.