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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH & drink driving (again)

321 replies

abbdabb · 24/10/2011 19:59

I recently reported DH to the police regarding his drink driving, but nothing happened. He hasn't been stopped & continues to drink & drive.

Yesterday, he wanted to take DS out for lunch. I said they should get a taxi if he was going to drink. I know if he goes out for lunch it will involve lots of alcohol. DH told me to mind my own business, I was being a control freak.

In the end he went alone, DS stayed at home.

I'm obviously not getting through & need to find a way to talk to DH so that he will listen. How do I do this?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 11:27

And what's all that about failing roadside test, going to station and drinking eater then miraculously passing the test??

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 11:27

Eater? Meant water

toddlerama · 25/10/2011 12:02

On the off chance that the OP is still reading....

If you aren't legally married in the UK he will not automatically get PR, so you don't have to worry about him taking the children. He wouldn't be able to. So forget protecting him to protect them.

MollieO · 25/10/2011 13:38

PR depends on age of children. It became automatic from 2003 I believe (well definitely existed when ds was born in 2004).

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 13:39

PR isn't greatly important anyway, don't know why people are focusing on that!

JaneBirkin · 25/10/2011 13:55

Men can indeed apply for PR and it's usually granted.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 26/10/2011 07:36

PR won't come into it is the DH is in prison or dead .....

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 08:28

Your point being...what? in terms of what the OP ought to do.

bubblegumpop · 26/10/2011 10:27

I think her point is Jane. Op posts about once a week, looking for justification to carry on enabling her husbands drink driving.

You have given it. So until the next thread. Hopefully he won't have killed anyone in the meantime.

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 10:32

I can't make that out as being her point at all, but I take it it's yours.

I haven't given any justification. I've simply tried to see the whole picture. I don't think you can blame me for how the OP responds to what is said on here.

bubblegumpop · 26/10/2011 10:37

I think, if you have seen the ops other threads. You'll know what I'm getting at. A little bit of justification is what she is after. She got it. That's the whole point of the thread.

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 11:13

well perhaps in this instance, she is justified? It depends on a whole lot of things we don't even know the answer to.

It sounds to me like she is trapped between a rock and a hard place and neither is any good for the children.

GypsyMoth · 26/10/2011 11:15

I was the one to first mention the contact thing. It's no justification, just the truth.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 26/10/2011 12:59

If the OPs not so DH continues to drink drive, he runs the risk of being involved in an accident. Therefore, every time he gets into A car when drunk he increases the chance of going to prison. The DH won't be able to pursue a claim for PR if in jail.

The DH faces 14 years in prison, a ban, a fine, and more if caught.

Drink driving kills. Fact.

Excuses for drink driving - NONE.

HairyBeaver · 26/10/2011 14:01

I know OP has flounced, but if your still lurking around...

WHEN your H kills someone/family/child/pregnant woman, notice how I say when not if, I really hope you go to prison to for allowing this to continue to your kids and society.

Shame on you and karma is a bitch.

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 15:57

Yes indeed, Cookcleaner...but I'm still not sure what you want the OP to do about it. Only her husband can actually stop himself from soing this. Allshe can try to do is protect herself and her children, and report him to the police in the hope of protecting the rest of society...

it isn't her fault he is taking this risk. Or are you trying to tell her it is?

Hairybeaver you ought to be ashamed of yourself for attacking someone who is not responsible for her husband's behaviour like that. It's disgusting.

HairyBeaver · 26/10/2011 17:43

She could do a hell of a lot more then she has done tbh, she should of telephoned the police the FIRST time he done it. By her knowing and standing by to what he's doing makes her just as bad as him IMO

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 19:07

Well judge away...it does make me wonder though how perfect you are, that you've never been dragged into someone else's wrongdoing because you love them, and then later regretted it.

Perhaps you've never made a mistake.
I guess nothing will make you stop hurling abuse at her though, if that's your decision made that she's 'as bad as him'.

stillfrazzled · 26/10/2011 19:39

Jane you must be a nice person and I respect that.

But if I found out the drunken bastard who killed my child had a wife who knew, who kept her own kids in but did nothing to protect mine - yeah, I think I would blame her too. Not as much as him, but to some extent.

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 19:43

Yes but the OP called the police. And she's getting massively flamed.

I think she needs encouragement and guidance, yes, but not a flaming. That just switches people OFF.

Creamcake1 · 26/10/2011 19:44

Abbdabb-I can only imagine how interrogating this is for you, it seems you have become the criminal in this and you know damn right and deep down that your not! I can understand why some people blame you but you have reasons why this has gone on so long that no one else knows about, if you can't confide in anyone that means you have no one to talk to or help you through this and with the mixed reactions your getting here I can only presume your feeling at your lowest.

This decision you have to make, is the hardest decision you've probably ever had to make, don't let anyone put you down because I think he has already done that to you by standing back and watching how this has unfolded, and the more people that put you down are just gonna make you feel worse and make you feel your inadequate of doing anything good for yourself or your kids, don't let that happen!! This will take time-your own time but the more you think about how wrong he is the better the decision you can make.

Moodykat · 26/10/2011 19:51

The only thing she can do that will make any difference to his drink driving is to report him to the police so he loses his license.

bubblegumpop · 26/10/2011 20:30

A token phonecall to the police means nothing. She needs to report him each and every time he gets in the car under the influence.

Otherwise she is condoning it and there is no excuse. That's also how she stops it. Due to his job, he's gonna have to be made to chose with a dd conviction.

JaneBirkin · 26/10/2011 21:14

It's neither her fault nor her responsibility to prevent this man from doing what he does.

Can we just get that clear? He is an autonomous human being. She has not got the power to stop him from drinking, driving under the influence or hurting or killing other people.

ALL she can do is protect herself and her children, as far as possible, from his influence.

Just stop having a go at her, people. Stop telling her she isn't good enough, she's as bad as him, she's a criminal. It's not helpful or fair. NO ONE can stop an alcoholic drinking or drinking and driving...not unless they are locked up.

Try taking away the license and see how easily he finds a way round that...how quickly he begins to drink and drive again once it's reinstated after 9 months.
She can't make him stop. Really, she can't.

GypsyMoth · 26/10/2011 21:21

Well it would be a bit more difficult for her to stop him as they don't even LIVE together!!