Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH & drink driving (again)

321 replies

abbdabb · 24/10/2011 19:59

I recently reported DH to the police regarding his drink driving, but nothing happened. He hasn't been stopped & continues to drink & drive.

Yesterday, he wanted to take DS out for lunch. I said they should get a taxi if he was going to drink. I know if he goes out for lunch it will involve lots of alcohol. DH told me to mind my own business, I was being a control freak.

In the end he went alone, DS stayed at home.

I'm obviously not getting through & need to find a way to talk to DH so that he will listen. How do I do this?

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 24/10/2011 20:58

If anyone advises this woman how to "cope" with a drink driver, you are as bad as they both are

Original poster
abbdabb · 24/10/2011 20:59

His drinking wouldn't stop if I left him.

By leaving, I wouldn't be saving him or anyone else for that matter.

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 24/10/2011 20:59

You can't cope with living with an alcoholic. You can't. There is no strategy. Especially when they won't help themselves.

One day, you'll just snap. Report it and leave. It's the only way.

Bossybritches22 · 24/10/2011 21:00

OH..... FFS abbdabb

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN????

bubblegumpop · 24/10/2011 21:01

You'd be saving yourself and your kids. He'd end up being banged up soon enough of his own doing.

You are enabling it. I hope you can face the family, in court. When he has an accident. Knowing this.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 24/10/2011 21:01

as a teen i chose to get in the car with my dad when he had been drinking,i didnt want him to die alone.

do you want that for your dc?do you know how that feels?

yes its an illness,its a horrible horrible illness.but whats more important your pride or your dc?you are enabling him,your allowing him to continue doing this.

GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 21:02

What job does he do?

slalomsuki · 24/10/2011 21:02

Madonna. Well said.

MrsChinandlerBong · 24/10/2011 21:03

You would be better calling the Police when he's on the move.

That said I don't think there is anything YOU can do. You can't make him stop drinking or getting behind the wheel.

I agree with previous posters who say you should leave. You have tried but he isn't trying to help himself. What is stopping you?

Bossybritches22 · 24/10/2011 21:03

Ok he drives off with your DC's to take them all out to lunch...gets plastered & then smashes the car into another vehicle killing himself , your children and a whole other family coming the other way.

Would you seriously be Ok with that?

madonnawhore · 24/10/2011 21:04

"His drinking wouldn't stop if I left him.

By leaving, I wouldn't be saving him or anyone else for that matter."

Yes but at least your children wouldn't be subjected to all the crap.

Alcoholism is insidious and evil. It permeates everything and ruins it. Your whole life is consumed by the alcoholic's drama.

It is a bleak, bleak illness and it's incredibly unfortunate that you've ended up married to an alcoholic, but you are where you are.

I saw this shit play out for 25 years and I'm telling you now, save yourself any more heartache and just leave. It won't end well, this. And you and your DCs need to be as far away as possible when it does.

I'm sorry, it's not your fault he's an alcoholic and you don't deserve to have to be going through this. But this is your reality and the bare fact is that by staying, yes, you are enabling him.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 24/10/2011 21:04

Why can't you leave? Pile of shit.

I called the police on my own father when he got the car keys and stepped into the car outside my house.

The police found the car outside a local pub and waited for him to get back into it before arresting him on suspicion of driving under the influence.

I am glad he was caught.

I am glad he was banned from driving.

I am glad he never killed any innocent men, women or children in his selfishness... but fuck do you know what I wish? That my mother had reported him years earlier after she allowed him to drive with us children in with him.

You're selfish, and do you know what? If he killed someone you would be as much to blame as he is.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 24/10/2011 21:04

forgot to say-getting in car with my dad wasnt a one off,it was daily.
he lost his family,jobs etc nothing made him stop until one day he just decided too,no threats no bargaining,he decided he needed help(30 plus years of drinking).you cant help your dh stop but you can protect your dc.

QuickLookBusy · 24/10/2011 21:05

This makes me so angry.

You have to do something about this man. He is going to KILL someone one day. How will you live with yourself? Do you have any idea the devastation that will be caused to an innocent family, because your husband gets into that car drunk.

You CAN do something-take the car keys and hide them somewhere. Do not let him have them. If you think he will get abusive then get advise from Womens Aid and leave him.

C0smos · 24/10/2011 21:07

I was listening to the news this morning and a drunk driver had hit a group of 6 runners and killed 5 of them. (I live in South Africa where drink driving is rife).
5 families whose lives are ruined because of one selfish individual. Why would anyone want to stay married to someone who is capable of doing this.
If my DH ever drank and drove I would leave him immediately - no exceptions, no excuses - there are none.
I am also fairly sure there are many alchoholics have never drink driven - the two are not always connected, you are making excuses for the fact that he cares little for the lives of others including yours and your sons.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 24/10/2011 21:09

You need to leave him. You also need to stop making excuses for this 'illness'. You will spend you entire life making excuses and you will enable his behaviour and he will not change unless something makes him want to change. Nothing you say at this stage will make him alter his behaviour. While you stay with him you are condoning his behaviour, despite what you might say. Can you tell I'm speaking from experience?

One of these days he will kill or injure someone. I pray to God that it's no-one else, because I cannot think of much worse than the police knocking at my door to tell me that someone I love has been killed by a bastard drink driver.

Report him to the police when he's next on the road and go. Leave. Once he's forced to decide between you or the bottle he will make that decision. It is not yours to make for him by staying with him.

GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 21:09

Hold on...... If op left, with NO PROOF if his drink/driving, then I hate to say it, but he will taking the children for access on his own and op would be left in the position of having to block contact in a legal system which works on proof not the word of the ex wife!!

I don't know the answer now ive thought more about this, except ring the police every single time he goes on the road

GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 21:10

Yes remove the keys.

bubblegumpop · 24/10/2011 21:11

Oh you can do it. You are choosing not too. I had an alchi xh. First time he drove it was reported by me. He was arrested and convicted.

That night I got shit, the police took me and my 2 disabled kids to safety.

I cleared all my debt, worked hard, got a good job and remarried. After spending lots of time in emergency housing.

It can be done. I managed it with all of that.

madonnawhore · 24/10/2011 21:11

QuickLookBusy we used to hide the car keys from my mum but she would get incredibly abusive and sometimes violent. On more than one occasion she called the police to the house, accusing my dad of 'imprisoning' her. It got so mental in the end that we just gave up doing it. It was too exhausting having to have the argument each time. She would also just ring the car dealer that the car came from and get them to send new keys to her - at some expense.

Which is why I wish dad had left and taken us with him. So that I didn't have to spend my teenage years going through that. I have way too many memories of whole days being taken up with rowing about the fucking car keys, police being called to the house (by her!!), etc.

Just go, OP. Go.

It's the only thing you have any control over. And the only thing you can do that might actually go some way towards helping him.

elportodelgato · 24/10/2011 21:13

Agree with cosmos - you have 2 problems here: 1) his alcoholism and how that is impacting on you and your dc and 2) his drink driving
I know people who are 'problem drinkers' but I don't know ANYONE who drink drives. If he wants to go kill himself through drink that's his lookout but drink driving puts other people at serious serious risk. You would never forgive yourself if something happened to your Dc or to an innocent person on the road. Stop protecting him. Get out. And call the police again.

GypsyMoth · 24/10/2011 21:14

Police turning up won't be such a bad thing

He can be arrested( and breathalised) by just attempting to drive. If police are called give him the keys back just before they arrive, then they can get him

Original poster
abbdabb · 24/10/2011 21:19

We live in seperate houses. He used to spend half of the week in the family home with me & the Dcs, staying over night, drinking excessively in the evenings. It was a horrible situation.

I couldn't cope with the drinking. He spends half the week here, but now goes home every evening.

I have made a step towards separate lives, but his drinking continues.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 24/10/2011 21:20

You have bought into a load of crap, haven't you honey?

What's the point of anyone advising how you can cope with it short term when you've made it clear it's being going on for years and you're in it for the long haul.

Of course you're enabling him. Why can't you leave or, more to the point, make him leave the martial home?

bubblegumpop · 24/10/2011 21:22

So you aren't even living together? It's easy then divorce him. Or accept he won't change and this is your life. That's your choice, sadly for the dcs.