My son has stolen money from me

[undercoverwizard]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. Yesterday my 8 year old son came home with a remote control helicoptor which he said his friend had lent him. I thought it was a little odd as it was quite an expensive toy but then again him and his mates are always lending each other things.

However, later last night I find a receipt for it and realise it was only bought yesterday. Checking my online bank statement, I notice 2 separate withdrawals for £30 and £20. My bank card is also missing. My son is the only one who knows my pin (don't slate me). He initially denied taking the money but he was out to play all yesterday afternoon and we live a 10 minute walk from the shopping mall. Eventually he admitted it. The helicoptor cost £40 and he also paid £7.50 to have his feet nibbled by those fish (I didn't think they were supposed to do that to children without a parent present)

I am so upset. I have been crying for the last half an hour as I can't believe my own son would do this to me. I have taken away his XBox and banned him from going to the Halloween disco but tbh, I'm at the end of my tether and don't know how to proceed.

Well said, *Mollie. Millions of women have raised, and continue to raise boys without male role models and do a good job too.

MollieO, that may be true but if the op's ex is as big a shit as he sounds then her son might benefit from a strong male presence in his life so that he can see that not all men behave like that? I don't know.......

Yes, LeBOOOf, running away is a problem and usually indicates a feeling that 'nobody cares', etc ... which has been explained somewhat by OP's circumstances and the deadbeat dad. Some sensible ideas seem to have been mooted about that.

I don't happen to see grounding him as appropriate for this crime, though OP might do and that's up to her. I certainly disagree that the problems have been in any way caused by his permitted independence level. If nothing else, his crimes show a high degree of intelligence & initiative! Just a matter of ensuring he channels those qualities appropriately, then, and feels supported :)

My son is almost resigned to the situation with his dad now and almost expects to be let down which is heartbreakingly sad. I don't bother to tell him about days out with his dad until the last minute just in case he gets let down. Although even when I do that he still gets let down, the last time was with just 40 mins to spare. Very sad situation but I give him all the love I've got.

It must be awful to see him being let down like that - 40 mins??! Poor kid.
It will, inevitably, give him a feeling of worthlessness/not being wanted, and being resigned to such fuckwittery can only make it harsher. He's too young to see that it's his dad's problem - an 8yo still perceives all adults as ultimately wise, with parents like gods. So his perception will be that his father can't be arsed because he isn't worth the trouble :( :(

As well as being a clear motivation for "wanting a treat" (the helicopter) and "proving he's worth something" (the cash), his dad's behaviour would seem to him a sign that unreliability is something to aim for, especially in a man ... Which would also go some way to explaining the running away thing. It's what his father does, right? Without warning, too!

Boundaries are as important as love, for both sexes btw, and it sounds as if your son's in need of several clear, age-appropriate talks about what is and is not acceptable behaviour (and why). If this results in him telling his own father that random flightiness is unacceptable, all to the good.

Not teaching you to suck eggs, btw, just discussing.

I think lots of kids try this sort of domestic theft on. DS1 once appropriated DH's credit card and bought loads of Playstation points with it. We just told him off sternly, fined him, confiscated the Playstation and so on. He was very sorry and said he didn't realise he was spending real money

I'd also be inclined to point him towards cubs and things as it promotes self-responsibility and good male role models.

It's not the end of the world and the fish thing is really very amusing.

said he didn't realise he was spending real money - haha, you don't have to be a child to think that!!! Same with cashcard, come to think of it ... Money from a hole in the wall, hurrah [hhmm]

Great point about cubs, imo!

Op one positive thing here ....your boy is a bright little lad. He might have been a bit naughty , but it took brains to work out how to get the card ,use the ATM and get the toy. If he's that clever to do all that ,then when he's older and the cause and effect thing kicks in he will be ok .

Children and teens don't have the ability to work out what their actions cause . It is why they need us parents to teach it to them ...eventually it is learned and occurs by itself .

Right, I'm off to bed. Thank you to everyone who has been so kind this evening

It is a good idea for kids to develop skills and interests for them to take into their adult life which will build their confidence and self esteem.
This could be through sport and music which as group activities also provide positive role models. Their interests also provide continuity and stability, friends outside of school.
This could be through music or sport. The unfortunate thing about this is it can cost alot of money and time. Other posters may have some ideas but is there anything that your son is interested in?

is there anything that your son is interested in?

Helicopters! [hgrin]

And Fish Feet apparently haha

OP is your son called KEVIN?

Macallister aka Macauley Culkin from Home Alone!

I think lots of kids try this sort of domestic theft on. DS1 once appropriated DH's credit card and bought loads of Playstation points with it. We just told him off sternly, fined him, confiscated the Playstation and so on. He was very sorry and said he didn't realise he was spending real money

Boffinmum I feel a real sense of relief seeing that someone else's DC has done what mine did.

Reading the comments on this thread has horrified me . . . my DS is not unhappy, crying out for attention etc etc, just a normal, happy boy with a flash of rare but spectacularly bad behaviour. I suspect the OP's son might be too.

Bambleweeny - if you read the OP's other threads, you will see this is not a 'normal, happy boy'.

I'm sorry undercover but I don't think people dismissing this as just a blip aren't doing you or him any favours. You both need help managing his behaviour before it escalates.

I agree that out of context it doesn't seem such a big deal (although planning to take your debit card, taking it and then using it is IMO) but in context it's another development in a long line of destructive and self-destructive behaviour.

I hope you've at least changed your pin and found a secure place for your cards. If his "mates" know he has access to funds there is every chance he'd be tempted again, to keep face if nothing else. Sounds like you need some help to establish and maintain the boundries too.

Hi OP, I'm puttin in my twopenneth's worth here, and I hope it helps somewhat.
My son has just turned 9. He has been out "roaming the streets" since he was about 5/6. Yes,you read that right. The thing with him is he has always needed alot of space. I have always known where he was, ( I say roaming the streets, he wasn't, but he was playing out, but with shouting distance) it just feels like he was roaming about cos I have never been able to keep a rein on him, BUT
He is incredibly streetwise, knows rules about roads, who to talk to/not talk to, and he knows to come straight home should anything untoward be happeniing.
He has a cheap mobile phone, that I am in constant touch with him on.
He is out and about on his bike, and he is HAPPY.
OTOH his freind,who lives up the road, same age, is not allowed out of the garden , and he is a really timid, fearful chap.He will struggle to cope with life. as he has got no idea of how to behave when away from his "safe area".

My son knows my pin, as he does it for me at cash points as a responsibility thing.
I can't imagine how I would react if he took it, but it certainly wouldn't suprise me, and yeah I think it''s a bit spunky, shows some spark. (wrong, yes, but still imagineative).
There have been times when my son has been somewhere he shouldn't have, or he has lied about where he is, but he knows the consequences of this, and he is full of remorse, and has things taken off him. He may be grounded for a week because of it, and that, in itself, is bad for him, cos he needs to be out.

BUT i agree with what 1 poster said, don't ever make him feel you are angry and dissapointed with him as himself, more for what he has done, and his behaviour.
He sounds delightful tbh, and is very obviously searching for some attention, possibly from his useless father.

All this bleating on about kids being kept in the garden til theyre 18, ffs, they NEED to experience life, yes bad things happen, and bad people exist, but I honestly think all this helicopter parenting is stifling and suffocating, and i think that one day the child will rebel, and the parenst wwon't have a clue what's hit them.

" my child doesn't get further than the garden gate" WTF??????
Honestly, I can't see it, unless you live right on the edge of the motorway.

Children should be allowed their freedom, and to explore and discover, even if they discover what they've done is wrong.
OP I bet he won't do anything like this ever again, He probably didn't realise it was wrong, i;e didn't connect the money coming out of the bank is YOURS.

Good luck, STOP beating yourself up about it, and give him a cuddle.

I agree with Mairyhinge .Kids do need to be allowed out alone and the best way to do that is too allow them past the garden gate , with a mobile phone in pocket and a little pocket money. Program taxi number into mobile and home number so incase they get lost.

Depends on child how far they are allowed. My ds2 is allowed anywhere in town, he's 11 . . . Providing he has his phone and isn't alone.

Dd2 is allowed to go to Glasgow , Edinburgh, and local towns by herself...she is not allowed o. Airplanes or boats. She's 16 , still at school. I'd let her go to London with her friends , if she met a relative down there.

Dd3 is allowed to go to next town on buses with friends ...must have phone and money to get taxi home if lost. She is 13.

Ds3 isn't allowed past the play park across the road. .. But has ADHD and is impulsive and wouldn't know a danger if he seen one.

Ds4 is allowed to end of the path , and at the play park across the road...as long as he has help / is watched cross g the road. He's 6 .

Dd4 is allowed in garden , or next doors garden where her friend stays. She has sn and is 6 .

Well, DS and I had a talk this morning. I told him that I loved him very much but I just didn't like his behaviour. I had been worried after he went to bed last night that he thought I hated him or something. He has gone to school now and he knows he is still being punished but I am just going to stick to the punishments and not bring up the thefts constantly. Things are going to change though. I will take back control!!

good for you, he's just a wee boy yet, he'll probably appreciate the safety of you being in control.

Good on you OP :)

Please do look into doing some kind of talking therapy together - I think it would benefit you both to discuss your expectations of one another and his feeling with the help of an independent person.

lol at mairyhinge. You kid will be a deliquent before his 15th birthday, mark my words

as for you admiring him for stealing money from you, ROFL again

OneNerve - can you see over the waistband?

It sounds like you are handling this really well OP, and that this has been a lesson learned.

I don't think you need a parenting course but that your son may need someone to talk to and he also needs some boundaries.

I'd agree with Dooinmecleanin that he should earn the money back in chores. Then you need to set up some rules about what he can and can't do.

This must have been a shock for you but it really isn't the end of the world, and you are not being a bad parent. But you do need to take control of the situation and as Aitch said upthread he'll appreciate this.