My son has stolen money from me

[undercoverwizard]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. Yesterday my 8 year old son came home with a remote control helicoptor which he said his friend had lent him. I thought it was a little odd as it was quite an expensive toy but then again him and his mates are always lending each other things.

However, later last night I find a receipt for it and realise it was only bought yesterday. Checking my online bank statement, I notice 2 separate withdrawals for £30 and £20. My bank card is also missing. My son is the only one who knows my pin (don't slate me). He initially denied taking the money but he was out to play all yesterday afternoon and we live a 10 minute walk from the shopping mall. Eventually he admitted it. The helicoptor cost £40 and he also paid £7.50 to have his feet nibbled by those fish (I didn't think they were supposed to do that to children without a parent present)

I am so upset. I have been crying for the last half an hour as I can't believe my own son would do this to me. I have taken away his XBox and banned him from going to the Halloween disco but tbh, I'm at the end of my tether and don't know how to proceed.

true, garlic, best not to conflate the two here, sorry about that. i was just gob-smacked at the 'he's out on his OWN' outrage. i met my two nieces (8 and 11) and their eleven year old friend the other day outside my house, the three of them had been swimming and were walking home. i was BUSTING with pride at how cool and sensible and independent they were being, and indeed mentioned it to their mum at the first available opportunity. i guess where we live we are lucky, though, in that it is quite a 'villagey' part of our city.

I am intrigued at the fish manicure very unusual for a boy of that age.

yeah. it's just a weirdo with a penis out on a park bench. but there were about ten of us, total safety in numbers. not the same if i'd been on my own, granted.

For a while I was seriously considering sending him to boarding school (only trouble is I would have to get his dad to pay!!) In reality I would really miss the little chap.

Same here, Aitch. It also happened to various of my nieces and nephews - who had been prepared for such an eventuality, reported it as taught and had a life lesson.

I do agree there's a shortage of reliable adults around these days in some places but, tbh, a shopping centre has to be fairly safe with all those CCTV cameras, retail staff and security guards.

Multi-x-posts, Aitch. It's a fast thread!
Any minute now, it'll be outta here with my cash card.

that might be it, garlic, by the time i was heading to the park on my own we had been well schooled by parents and pals alike that we might see something like that, was one of the main reasons were all stuck together. i don't know, it all seemed so much less fraught then, it wouldn't have occured to me to be traumatised by a bit of pink in an open fly.

I don't think a shopping mall is an especially dangerous place, except for the temptation it provides to the light of finger.

do you really think that sending him away would be a good idea, QS? i had assumed you were joking.

I would never have sent him away really. I think I considered it for all of 3 seconds before I realised how much I would miss him. I think I need to sort him out myself really.

Well, I don't think I'm on my own, Aitch. Though probably depends where you live. There are worse parents than me though, at school in a morning there are parents of yr 3 kids who don't let their child through the gate until the bell goes, in case they "can't find their friend and are left on their own in the playground ". I mean, wtf?! Ridiculous mollycoddling. Other stand by a particular window every day to wave to their child as they go into their classroom! Ds gets a kiss and a wave off me and in he goes, then off i go!

Anyway, sorry for hijack, op. You sound like a responsible mum whois willing to put the effort in for your son. It must be very hard being a single parent, my kids have a wonderful dad but he works away a lot and they do play up for me sometimes as I think they see me as the softer touch if you see what I mean. They definitely need that strong male presence in their life. Is there anyone else in your family who could fulfil that role for your son, if his dad is a let down? A good male role model? I do think that boys of that age need that.

taking money from his saving wont teach him a lesson. Get a bucket and a sponge go with him to clean neighbours cars make him work off his debt he may think twice before stealing again. just a thought.

My dad will help out when I ask him to but I always have to ring and ask, he never just offers. He works a lot anyway so is often busy. I wish my son had a good male role model. Maybe one day I will meet a nice man [sigh]

You will surely be meeting plenty of hunky doctors when you've got a job after youve qualified? .

ooh yes, re car cleaning. (if you live in that sort of area where people have their own drives). saw a programme once where a spoilt lazy little kid was when he realised how much dosh he could earn with a few regular car cleaning gigs, and he became quite the little entrepreneur.

The thought hadn't even crossed my mind

I think you need to ensure that your son has a good role model however hard that it it has to be you. You can be the strong presence he requires, you don't need to find a man to do it. I'm rather at that suggestion.

I know I'm stricter than a lot of ds's friends' parents but that is because there is just me. I don't have anyone to share the disciplining with and don't have the energy for it not to work (ie the usual - it's your turn to talk to ds, etc).

Giving your ds a lot of latitude makes life easy in the short term but, as you are unfortunately discovering, makes for more difficulties in the long term.

This is a crazy idea, but is there a really boring (cheap) meal that he usuAly moans about being served? You could always serve that for tea a few days on the run saying "well, since you took that money for the helicopter etc I am now short of money for nice food, so it's tough - eat!" so that he sees that there are real consequences to his actions?

On second thoughts, that was a completely shit idea, you might just push him into stealing a fillet steak!

It's not easy, is it?

MollieO, I suggested it because I've read that it's supposed to be important for boys in particular at around that age. Might be a pile of shite, but just repeating what I've read.

Lol at the fillet steak!! I get the idea though, he needs to see real consequences for his actions.

Fair enough Curly but I personally don't think it is that necessary. If you are a female single parent it is pretty difficult to magic a male role model out of thin air and all that sort of posting does is make you feel more shit about being a SP. It is possible to raise boys without male role models and to do a good job too.

I like that idea, fwiw. "Consequences" isn't just another word for punishment, though it's often seen as such. Direct and relevant 'consequences', like unapproved spend = restricted budget, are the best sort. Are you going to stop his pocket money for a month or so, or will he 'feel' your taking it out of his savings enough to get the message?

I agree with Aitch & Garlic. An awful lot of flapping going on wrt an 8 year old being allowed out of the house on his own. Yes, today he did something he shouldn't have, but still not the end of the world, he wasn't out bashing grannies.

Undercover - I haven't searched any of your other threads, but from what the others have said it does seem like a good idea to talk to the CP and take that parenting course, it may be a good way to meet other parents :)

I have to say, I did laugh at the Fish nibbling

Just remember guys it was a remote control helicopter, not heroine.

Kids in the UK are mollycoddled or run free once they can walk - there doesn't seem to be much in the way of middle ground.

Please don't let your judgement of what he's done cloud your judgement of him, OP.

When you express your disapproval always make sure that he knows you are disapproving of his actions rather than disapproving of him, the son you love to bits. Tell him that you are disappointed with his behaviour because he has let himself down but that this does not mean that you are disappointed wiith him as he's the best thing that's happened to you.

Of course there should be consequences for his actions, but he's still a little boy who should be nurtured within fair and firm boundaries set by a loving, caring, and attentive parent.

If there is a meeting with his unreliable father in the offing, don't tell him until a few days before contact is due to take place and keep it to 'you might be seeing df on x day depending on whether he can get a car/train/time off work' so that he doesn't get his hopes built up too much only to have them dashed again at the last minute.

I have no issue with 8 year olds being out of the house on their own, my dd walked to school herself at that age etc. What I do have a problem with, and I guess others do too, is him just fucking off without so much as a "by your leave". This is a normal attitude, surely?