My son has stolen money from me

[undercoverwizard]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. Yesterday my 8 year old son came home with a remote control helicoptor which he said his friend had lent him. I thought it was a little odd as it was quite an expensive toy but then again him and his mates are always lending each other things.

However, later last night I find a receipt for it and realise it was only bought yesterday. Checking my online bank statement, I notice 2 separate withdrawals for £30 and £20. My bank card is also missing. My son is the only one who knows my pin (don't slate me). He initially denied taking the money but he was out to play all yesterday afternoon and we live a 10 minute walk from the shopping mall. Eventually he admitted it. The helicoptor cost £40 and he also paid £7.50 to have his feet nibbled by those fish (I didn't think they were supposed to do that to children without a parent present)

I am so upset. I have been crying for the last half an hour as I can't believe my own son would do this to me. I have taken away his XBox and banned him from going to the Halloween disco but tbh, I'm at the end of my tether and don't know how to proceed.

Similar thing happened with my 11 year old dd recently - I actually thought I could trust her with my card (and I also told her I would be checking!) to get £10 out on an INSET day when she was at home with a friend and they had permission to go into town(I work very near to home/town) I realise now I was completely wrong to give her that responsibility - she withdrew £50 on the day and I only found out a couple of weks later that she had also used the card in two shops for another £39, £32 of which she spent on a skirt for her friend who said she would 'pay her back'! (No sign so far) It is a horrible feeling to realise you have made such a mistake but at your ds's age he is only just beginning to understand right and wrong, and even at 11 it doesn't seem to be that big a deal.
You need to change your PIN (which I have done) and make sure he never sees it again.
Always know how much money is in your purse and confront him straight away if there is any missing.
Definitely take the money back from his savings.
I don't know what punishment is fitting really, but you just need to make sure it can't happen again.

I actually really like this kid.

He got himself a fish pedicure.

Just brilliant.

Oh gosh, that's awful LieIns's. I totally understand the awful feeling that you felt. Did you ever say anything to the friend's mother?

Children just don't understand the value of money and I don't think I really realised how little he understood it until now. I am taking the money from his savings account when I go into town on Wednesday.Although he doesn't know about the account, at the end of the day I need that money. £50 is a lot out of my budget!!

well of course you should do that, undercover, but it will teach him bog all if he didn't know about the existence of the account. he really needs to earn it bit by bit.

I hate to rain on everyone's parade of this being a normal and slightly naughty part of normal development but undercover are you hearing what I'm saying? You both need help. I know my posts aren't very fun but I need you to listen.

I can understand why the people are saying this is not a big deal. But they haven't read your other threads.

They don't know about him slamming you into the fridge. Or the fact that he deliberately pissed in the corners of your last flat so that it stank and you had to move. Or that he regularly soils himself. Or that he is violent and disruptive at school and is being threatened with expulsion. And is deliberately cruel to animals.

I'm sorry, it probably seems really cruel that I've gone through your old threads but I'm so worried about you both. Please, please, don't pretend to yourself that this is just a normal part of development. It might be in some kids but your son is not most kids. He is a very troubled boy and he really, really needs help.

I'm so sorry, I feel like I'm waving my hands around in a really dramatic fashion but please, please don't sweep this under the carpet. Please seek professional help.

That's my third and last post on this thread, I'll STFU now.

ah. right. i did not know anything of that. stand by my assertion that there are a lot of helicopter parents on here and by the fact that some help from the child psychologist is not going to go amiss.

Oh :(

Thanks for that, Christina. How incredibly hard for you, undercover, I'm sorry to hear of such disturbed behaviour. I hope you and DS are getting some full-on, professional help or at least have it coming up soon.

The other stuff kind of dwarfs this topic. I still reckon he sounds very bright and sparky - that doesn't mean he couldn't do with psychiatric help, it means that with the right help, he could overcome his worries and go on to great things. Good luck.

They also don't know that his dad was seriously abusive to him, so seriously abusive to him that the police had to be called, and he also put him in nappies at the age of six, and hit him.

This little boy has been harmed by the people who were supposed to be looking after him. It's not suprising that he's exhibiting disturbed behaviour.

OMG . Poor wee boy . Undercover my heart is breaking for you both.

Phone his doctor back , and get him seen. xxx

Wow - all the more reason to say that OP is doing a good job in what must be awfully difficult circumstances - she says he has been doing well at school etc.

I stand by what I said before: boundaries and someone to talk to should help him.

Poor kid, and poor OP

With Christina's post, I thought the ex must have abused the child horribly. All his problem behaviours look like reactions to irrational 'punishment'. It's just too hard to sort this out by yourself, undercover, the damage runs deep.

It really looks like you and DS deserve and need more, higher-level support than you're currently getting. (And as if the child shouldn't be seeing or hearing from his dad at all - are you still scared of your ex?)

There is no shame in this, honest! You and DS both sound like nice, bright individuals who've been badly hurt by a psychopath. Recovery is tough but a damn sight better than living with - and, for DS, acting out - the injuries for life. You should be able to access better support via your GP, school and whichever services are looking after you and DS at present. If you've downplayed the problems to them, don't!

Sadly, you are not the only ones and the services do exist to provide proper support. Wishing you all the best.

undercover - I think it would be a very good move to talk to the child psychologist. It sounds like you both need all the help you can get :(

I can't believe his father has any access to him :(

This sounds like a terrible combination of a very young child who doesn't know the consequences of his actions (To us it's delinquent behaviour but he can't appreciate the full scale of it) and a lack of boundaries.
I'd say you have to go down on him like a tonne of brick with this one. If you still want to give him so much freedom (do you live in a smaller town/village? This would not be possible in London, for example!)
Make him understand that he is lucky to have a mum that gives him so much trust and freedom but that he has abused that trust. Take the helicopter to a charity shop. Ground him (take away computer games or something?). Something that is in line with the scale of what he did (Stealing) in order for him to UNDERSTAND the scale of what he did.
I'm trying to be helpful, but I still must say I can't believe he has that much freedom and independence.

ooooops, just realised I skipped to the last page and didn't see any of the other threads, it sounds like quite a complicated situation that I haven't had time to read through.... really sorry for the judgy sounding statement....
If it's any consolation I have taught secondary school boys from heart-breaking backgrounds and I have loved all of them with all my heart, despite some of the things they had gotten up to and the rude things they have said to me (NOT THAT I AM PUTTING YOUR SON IN THIS CATEGORY). But society can be far too hard on them. Having said that from the little I know of your situation all young boys secretely love a little bit of strictness and boundaries, so good on you for reckognising the time for change has come. I will read through everything more carefully later, sorry for jumping in unprepared!

can't see any threads like the ones you are referring to under the OP's posting name, Christina. Has she namechanged recently?

Yes, CHA. She mentioned her previous name on the thread.

Yes. She mentioned it way back, when someone wondered if this thread could possibly be true.