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Original poster

My son has stolen money from me

242 replies

undercoverwizard · 16/10/2011 13:41

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. Yesterday my 8 year old son came home with a remote control helicoptor which he said his friend had lent him. I thought it was a little odd as it was quite an expensive toy but then again him and his mates are always lending each other things.

However, later last night I find a receipt for it and realise it was only bought yesterday. Checking my online bank statement, I notice 2 separate withdrawals for £30 and £20. My bank card is also missing. My son is the only one who knows my pin (don't slate me). He initially denied taking the money but he was out to play all yesterday afternoon and we live a 10 minute walk from the shopping mall. Eventually he admitted it. The helicoptor cost £40 and he also paid £7.50 to have his feet nibbled by those fish (I didn't think they were supposed to do that to children without a parent present)

I am so upset. I have been crying for the last half an hour as I can't believe my own son would do this to me. I have taken away his XBox and banned him from going to the Halloween disco but tbh, I'm at the end of my tether and don't know how to proceed.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 16/10/2011 15:19

He's stolen the odd £ or so from his dm before, tal, and, regardless of whether he knows how 'money' works, he was aware that he was stealing when he took the card from his dm's purse.

To me, this shows a lack of respect for his dm which needs to be addressed perhaps by way of a referral to a child psychologist to explore whether there are underlying issues such as contact, or lack of, with his df or other emotional conflict that he may not be articulating, and which may have contributed to him acting out in this manner.

Methe · 16/10/2011 15:20

8

[hhm]

Methe · 16/10/2011 15:21
Hmm
izzywhizzysfritenite · 16/10/2011 15:22

I can assure you that I'm not laughing at you, OP.

I know how hard it is to be a single parent.

DroveABroomstick · 16/10/2011 15:22

Op who are ds's friends ? Does he have a lot of older friends ? .

I'd expect that kind of stunt off a early teen but not an 8 yr old.
Wtf that he knows your pin ! You told him that ? , jeeze. Do you let him play with matches too ?.

A child of mine who did that would be taught what money does , they would be shown all the bills and given limited amount of money to cover it and asked to " find" where the £50 could be spared from. Then I'd refuse to give them pocket money until it was paid back.

Your son needs boundaries , it's your job to give them.

HermioneRocks · 16/10/2011 15:23

Hi
I may only be re-iterating what has already been said but I think there are several issues here. Firstly for an 8 year old (or indeed any child of primary age) your ds has way too much freedom. My ds is 10 and is allowed to play out but with reasonable supervision, limits on where he goes and with who and when he is back. Secondly in my opinion your ds is taking on (or has had placed upon him) a too adult view of the world: no 8 year old needs to know a pin number or how to use a cash machine or really should be so confident as to go into a local shopping centre purchase a toy and have a fish pedicure! What will he be doing at 13? I think you need to have a re-think on the adult-child relationship because fwiw I think he still a baby really and is carrying too much weight on his shoulders

LeBOOOf · 16/10/2011 15:23

Diploma in Applied Troll Studies from the University of Daily Mail Stereotypes?

LaurieFairyCake · 16/10/2011 15:24

OP - I'm utterly shocked, this thread is like something you'd read in a supermarket 'take a break' magazine.

I know you're getting some good advice, can I just add that this thieving should gain no reward ie. He should not get that helicopter back - I would take it to a charity shop with him.

I would then take the money for it from his account and give it to a charity too.

It sounds like you need to spend a lot more time with him as he has a lot of very clearly manipulative behaviour that you need to correct.

Good luck.

Original poster
undercoverwizard · 16/10/2011 15:24

He was seeing a child psychologist for a totally unrelated matter sometime ago but I still have her number. She said I could call her if anything else came up and I am very tempted to now.

OP posts:
shshiney · 16/10/2011 15:26

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shshiney · 16/10/2011 15:26

This reply has been deleted

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rainbowinthesky · 16/10/2011 15:27

I'm not so sure a child psychologist is what is needed here. He needs better parenting but you may need support to do this. I am not laughing. Just ignore those who are taking delight in being nasty.

Original poster
undercoverwizard · 16/10/2011 15:28

I am not a troll, I have been on mumsnet for years. My former persona was frazzle26 so if you have nothing useful to contribute LeBooof then don't.

I do worry that my son has a lot of responsibility.I have epilepsy and he often cares for me when I'm ill so he does have that very caring nature but at the same time it's a lot for a young boy.

OP posts:
alistron1 · 16/10/2011 15:29

re cashpoints - I'm fairly sure that my 7 year old could use one Grin

He knows my pin number from watching me and sometimes very helpfully and loudly tells me what it is whilst we are getting cash out.

I'd be sending the helicopter to a charity shop TBH. And if he is doing runners and this post is on the level then maybe you do need some external professional support.

rainbowinthesky · 16/10/2011 15:29

People (naughty ones at that - wags finger) are making fun as it does seem unbelievable. Caring for you isnt the issue here.

LeBOOOf · 16/10/2011 15:31

I have made useful suggestions, but you've ignored them- which is the modus operandi of storytellers round here. I just find it hard to believe that anybody with the wherewithal to post on mumsnet is as lax and out of touch with what's appropriate. Sorry, but it really stretches credulity.

DroveABroomstick · 16/10/2011 15:32

Any friend you think is a bad influence or too old , don't ban , just make it hard for your son to spend time with them. If you ban outright ,they become forbidden fruit and your son will do anything and everything to hang out with them.

Give him routine, set meal times , set bedtime.
Do not enable him to escape out without asking you first ...you need to know where he is at all times ....less scope for trouble.

Do praise his good behaviours ...

Above all remember you are the boss , you make the rules and you can be in control. You can do this , if you can go through all the pain of labour and birth then you can do this , trust me .
If you are sure of yourself then it will bring it's own authority to the rules.

When questioned ,I always say , it's the rules .

izzywhizzysfritenite · 16/10/2011 15:37

That is a heavy responsibility for a young boy, OP.

The fish pedicure may have come about as the result of a dare, but the helicopter may be symbolic of his desire to 'fly', to be free of his responsibility, or it may be that he sees himself as 'hovering' over you.

Please get back in touch with his former psychologist and seek her advice.

DroveABroomstick · 16/10/2011 15:40

Right just seen that your son acts as carer for you because of your epilepsy.

That puts a different slant on things.

Children who often have too much responsibility ,will sometimes do something rebelloius as a way of reacting to it. They might want the same kind of life they know there friends have , but take frustrations out that way instead of telling you they don't want to be a carer , because they feel guilty for thinking that,

What you need to do is find a young carers group that can take ds out , and give him other kids in the same position to talk too.

Maybe school or doctor can help you find something suitable ?

MyNameIsLola · 16/10/2011 15:40

I agree with a lot of the posts on here.

  1. Your DS has far too much freedom
  2. The helicopter should go straight on eBay
  3. You need to improve your parenting skills (and I'm not saying that to be nasty)
  4. I'd take a good look at who his friends are and the influence they are having on him if they are encouraging him to steal from you.
  5. This needs to be nipped in the bud NOW before your DS gets completely out of control.
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2011 15:42

My DS1 "stole" a couple of hundred quid in cash from me at about that age; he was busted when he turned up at the local showground with a £20 note, and they brought him home. He really didn't understand the value of what he'd taken (and I got it all back.)

He didn't need a shrink, and neither did I need a parenting course. OP may need to redraw her boundaries, but people suggesting the child is seriously disturbed are exaggerating some.

DroveABroomstick · 16/10/2011 15:45

Izzy think your reading to much into the helicopter .

Small boys adore toys that fly and remote control stuff.

He just wanted a super cool toy he knew op probably wouldnt buy ,until Xmas or his birthday.

No metaphor needed , he's 8 .8 year old boys just think fun , and not about consiquences

Original poster
undercoverwizard · 16/10/2011 15:46

I do feel bad that he feels responsible for me. Luckily my seizures are only about every 6 weeks but he is always on the alert and he always feels he has to remind me to take my medication even though I'm quite good at remembering. He was upset this weekend because we couldn't go swimming as there was no-one to go with us. I don't like going just the two of us even if there is a lifeguard present because he is still learning to swim and if I were to have a seizure in the pool and the lifeguard didn't see then we could both drown. Just another one of many disappointments for him caused by my condition.

OP posts:
DroveABroomstick · 16/10/2011 15:49

I don't think op's son needs a shrink either .
He's not violent , or disturbed , just sticky fingered.
Lots of kids go through a thieving stage , and most sort themselves out , no one is saying he will grow into a master criminal , lol .

Bit of perspective please .l

rainbowinthesky · 16/10/2011 15:50

A seizure every 6 weeks doesnt make him a carer. What do you mean you are quite good at remembering?? You are the adult, you shouldnt be quite good, you should be perfect at this so he never feels he ever has to remind you.