The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Kicking The Devilish Demon Drink Into Touch This Hallowe'en!. Mwahahahaha!

[Mwahahahahahahahouseface]

Hello

I'm Mouse, well normally! [hgrin]

Welcome to the Bus. We are a mixed bunch of Babes, some of us drink, some of us don't and some of us are trying to find out the best way to cut down or stop completely.

There is plenty of room on the Bus for everyone so, come say hi. [hsmile]

And, if you'd like to see what brought us all here, you can read all of the past threads, including the original one by JWN RIGHT HERE

Morning

Bit of a chill here this morning, soon be time for thermal vests .

Bright, crisp, frosty mornings . . . that chilled air smell . . . possibly even the soothing silence of snowfall - lots to look forward to this winter. I love the british weather sometimes

Now mouse there is an enormous difference between prescribed drugs and self medicating, the main one being what is actually best for your body. You have been so brave living with pain, on little sleep and putting everyone else's needs before you own. Hopefully, if this works you will get the rest you need. ((hugs))

Oh, and today I will most definately NOT be drinking

Happy hump day saf

thank you faire you too.

i feel a bit weird posting on here at the minute given that i'm drinking and not even really seeing it as a priority. not sure where i'm at at the minute.

mouse - the thing is if you are taking these meds and are still in pain what else can you do? if you were not really in pain anymore but just seeking more drugs due to addiction or wanting to be out of it then yes you'd have a problem. the drugs you were taking were not taking away the pain right? the dosing up on tylex couldn't continue because the od'ing on paracetamol long term is just too damaging to the liver and you have enough problems with your health without ending up with permanent liver damage. if you have a higher tolerance to morphine than most then what can you do? you can't help it.

take a week where there is little going on and do as the doctor says - experiment with how much morphine in liquid form you have to take on top of the slow release to reach a pain free or pain manageable level. record it, write it down and notice any patterns of what activity levels do to things or sleep levels etc. get to know it inside out.

i suspect i would have similar concerns as you knowing that i have a history of rather liking my substances - i'd feel i was walking a dodgy line. just keep asking yourself am i taking this for a high or am i taking it because i'm in pain? if the latter then??? xxx sorry for long post

Morning everyone.

It's one of those wonderfully bright, crisp and happy mornings here too. Horribly grey and drizzly yesterday. Weather seems to make such a difference to my mood. I must be getting old, going on about the weather

Mouse, you poor thing. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Your doctor prescribing you pain-relief is NOT an addiction. Drinking too much or taking loads of 'recreational' drugs or whatever is totally different from taking medication prescribed by your doctor for what sounds like unbearable pain. You show so much sympathy/empathy to other people on here. Please show yourself some of that kindness. No-one should live their lives in pain. You have a hard enough job trying to work out the right levels and types of pain killers you should be taking. Please don't feel guilty about it too. Try to imagine what you'd be saying to one of your friends if they were in your shoes... I hope Nemo slept last night. Pain and lack of sleep is a nightmarish combination. Take care x

Like you, Saf, I feel a bit strange posting here. I'm drinking again. Not too much and it's not feeling out of control but I would rather be able to say " it's one week/two months/one year" or whatever since my last drink. Huge respect to those of you who are doing that. And one day is great, too, Ma. Well done. I had just one glass of wine on Sunday and I don't think I've ever been able to have just one before so it felt like a huge achievement to me. Nice to be with others on the same wavelength here!

Have good days everyone.

Today I will not be drinking

Hey all
Just checking in
mouse listen to all the good advice. I will text you later.

Still here - still sober
Still dealing with too much rubbish than is good for a person's stress levels.
However - I am trying to tell myself that you must have low periods in order to really experience and appreciate the highs of life, and therefore I will get through this. And all will be well (frantically crossing fingers)

Bafana
xx

Afternoon Babes

Saf - great idea re keeping a diary, or making notes for a while. It will at the very least expose any patterns to the pain of the way I cope (or not) with the meds.

So far today, I've taken my 90mg of slow release morphine which is fine, that seems to 'kick in around two hours after I take them, I can feel the fuzzy head and the pain will dip.

The Oramorph on the oother hand knocked me for six when I took that first thing. So I think I need to eat before I take that. Actually, when I was at my friend's last weekend, she pointed out that I needed to eat once I'd had my Oramorph.

It's all well and good getting a little lift from it but for it to work, food is essential to me.

When I was in the pharmacy last night, I nearly passed out. I had to sit down and really pull myself together and then I realised why, I'd taken my Oramorph a half hour before, on an empty stomach.

So like you say Saf - I've got to get to know these meds inside and out and totally understand how they work or don't for me.

You said you were drinking again, I think you need to go with it at the moment to be honest. Just give yourself some time, you've been run down of late so maybe a few drinks over the course of the evening, as in spread out, is what's helping you right now. The lack of sleep won't be helping you either. Not good! xxx

SSM - you're not silly so I'm not going to call you that.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I know that I am my own worst enemy at times, running round after everyone else! I'm a nightmare!

Thing is, by caring about others, keeping busy, getting on with it, seems to be what I need to do to stop me thinking about my own future, illness, worries and projecting. This disease has no cure and it will get worse. But I don't want to let it get to me. I want to carry on, I can't rest most of the time because of Nemo's needs but if he hadn't have been the way he is, I wouldn't have been diagnosed so fast. Silver lining and all that.

venus - thank you to you too lovely, you are of course correct about my doc giving them to me because he feels that I need them for pain, rather than wanting them.

You are all so lovely for caring, thank you xxx

Oh Mouse, I'm so sorry you're going through all this, you lovely woman. I don't have anything to add other than a stern-faced "Listen to the others. They are right." Big hugs and some of these chocolate-covered brazil nuts I've been guzzling all day to you. xxx

I am just checking in. Weekend went ok on the drinking front - I managed to avoid getting drunk and was only slightly tipsy on the night I drunk most - and great on the fun front. I feel a bit polluted though, and am looking forward to a bit of detoxing in the next few weeks, oddly enough.

I have also started reading this: www.amazon.co.uk/Drinking-Love-Story-Caroline-Knapp/dp/0704380501/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1322057981&sr=8-1, which is awkward and uncomfortable and far too close to my own experience, but also really interesting.

venus ooh, I haven't been back there for a while. it is such a nice place - we must arrange a meet up again when we both get a minute.
mouse don't know exactly your illness, but what is the long term plan? Operation? Have you tried acupuncture? For the moment take the painkillers you need to get through - you have so much to deal with and are an inspiration to us all. Rest a while wee mousey if you can and Nemo's drunken nice aunties will take care of him while you sleep.

Thurso - Sometimes the close to the bone stuff hurts like hell but going through that, pushing past the pain, seeing the words and feeling them will only help you to heal. It's like running up a hill in high heels, your head tells you'd be mad to do it, it'll hurt, you'd rather, be on your sofa in your slippers.

But you know that at the top of the hill, is your dream day. Your reward, whatever you want is there waiting for you.

So, use the Bus for the really rough bits, talk to us, let us give you the odd push and go for it Thurso xx

Hello all,

Just checking in,

mouse did you mean to speak to Theala, although I think your words ring true for everyone.
How are you tonight, my sweets, I am so sorry I haven't been aboard to send you my love on the thread, but, you know I do .

Shaping up to be another crap interesting week at work, and at the moment I am drowning in embarrassment.

Dh got in, and said "how was your day", strangely, I took that to mean "how was your day", and so I told him, and went into details, I am so passionate about what I do, I know I got carried away, asking him what he thought, but actually he just wanted to pack his bag to go out to play squash!!! I am mortified that he was so bored, and I am soooo embarrassed!!

I am going to try to be in bed before he gets home, but, I swear if he comes on to me tonight, I will be speaking severely or bloody hitting him. Honestly, how am I living in this parrallel world? How does Dh not know that I need to talk? (doesn't want to know? doesn't care? is la, la pretending all ok?)

fuck me I've had it tonight, up for a shower, sorry once agan for me, me, me, but if I couldn't come on here.............

again!

Whaa, how self-centred

I hope everyone is doing ok tonight, and not as angry as me .

It helps me so much to come on here and let it out. In my job I have to be the pillar of reason, sense and fairness, it's just at home that I'm not!!

Thank you my friends, love to you all
T xxxxxx

Rant away thurso

How selfish of your DH though, to not give you the time of day and then expect you to 'jump to it' when he's in the mood . I really don't know how you stand it tbh. If it were my DH I would spell it out for him, but then I can get quite bolshy sometimes .

Hope all's well Babes - Anyone struggling this evening? When does JWN get back, seems like she's been gone for ages.

thurso - you are being reasonable, fair and sensible - the only unreasonable thing is you doubting yourself. HE should be mortified and HE should be embarrassed not you. how frigging ignorant. and if he thinks sexual intimacy is fitting when you can't even be bothered to LISTEN to someone then he should fuck the fuck off. sorry to be outspoken but don't you dare doubt yourself.

and faire it is not bolshy to speak up for your own feelings and needs so don't go blushing for the fact you wouldn't stand for being treated like that.

what happens when you do spell it out for him thurso?

i'm not struggling but i am drinking. not a lot. opened a can of beer about an hour ago and have just poured the second half of it into a glass. despite the calories it is better to drink a beer or two for me than to have wine in the house.

Back from the shower!

bit more relaxed (more than a pane of glass anyway!)

Faire I have been really unfair to my Dh, to be honest. He is a lovely man, and has supported me during my times, and has been an unfailing ally in my battle gainst the demon, the only one I have been have been honest with, apart from all of you on the bus.He is fair, fit and fanciable (done an Engish class today ), but has always been a "doer" not a "talker".

When the children were young it didn't seem to matter, but now that they are gone, I can see glaring differences in how we deal with the day. It doesn't take much to make me feel so lucky, and to count my blessings, but, he often takes the dour approach, and I feel like I have been doused in cold water, and a bit stupid. I am bloody bolshy a lot of the time, but, after a while I just lose the will......

I am struggling tonight, but, had a lovely chat about shoes in the staffroom today, so can't be all bad!!
xxxxx

"English" class!
Saf X posted, he has been given the fuck the fuck off glad tidings speech in the past , and it worked (for a bit).

It just doesn't happen if I feel that I haven't been respected (sorry to be a bit pc), but, does lead to a few mornings of why "he doesn't understand!!)

I am much happier now , Dh has just come in and tried to start a conversation (hope that doesn't mean the worst!!), but I feel much stronger.

Thank you my very good friends,
T xxxxx

just checking in Babes xxxxxxxxxxx

Ah well, it's good to hear he has some redeeming qualities thurso but perhaps you two need to have 'the talk' more often to try and reconnect. Just because he perceives love and affection one way, doesn't mean that he can't understand that you need something else. My DH is a 'doer' as well and does loads of lovely things for me but I'm a 'talker' (can't you tell ) so I really need to keep the verbal communication open.

Hi Silver x

Yes, I did mean Theala - sorry! But reading your words tonight Thurso makes me direct them to you as well. How you put up with your DH is beyond me. He is simply rude. I would second being in bed, in your longest, flameproof nightie and bad socks so that he gets the hint when he gets in.

How bloody charming of him to do the pleasantries and then buggering off. Do you think he even knows how you feel? What you want? What you hope for?

I'm so sorry that you have to settle for him, for now at least xx

Hello Silver xx

Thank you Ma, love to you and yours xx

Nemo has finally given in to sleep. I'm at the hospital tomorrow for my neurology appt. Not sure what to expect but I doubt I'll come away with a magic cure. The blackout have stopped but the loss of sensation and shooting pains are still there.

Anyway, less moaning about me for a change

Night night lovely Brave Babes - keep fighting, just for tonight. xx

Morning everyone,
I neeeed sleeeeep, but failing that I'll have to settle for coffee (is that old behaviours creeping back? Hmm...) and keeping busy. It's good to be sober though, couldn't do anything otherwise, and am making progress with my steps which is just amazing - all the stuff that therapy and counselling made no dent in, that I thought I was too frightened to face, is being let go of, with the help of some wonderful people. Painful but amazing. Hope everyone has a good day. x

Thurso I hear you sister. Rant away, it always strikes a chord with me!
Another good night last night - one beer. This is not because I have suddenly discovered will power but because I don't have any money .
ah well, every cloud has a silver lining.
The board are meeting here in work today to decide if I become acting manager when the boss leaves until a new chief exec is appointed. I feel sick and yet somehow, feel that maybe, finally, it's my time to shine......
Watch this space

Heh. Thought you might have as well when I read that this morning Mouse. Not to worry. I hope your appointment today goes well and that they do come up with a magic cure.

Thurso, just to be contrary, I'm going to stick up for your husband a bit. This is because my DH is a talker and I'm not and sometimes he tells me all about his day in minute detail for ages and ages and it drives me up the fucking wall. :o This is not because I'm not interested in him and don't want the best for him but because sometimes I have other things that I would prefer to do instead of listening to him (sitting quietly and reading my book, for example) and time is limited. That might make me sound rude and selfish and perhaps I am, but I don't see why his desire to talk should always outweigh my desire to have some quiet time, iyswim. Of course, the key word here is 'always' and sometimes I do listen to him go on and on even when I'd prefer to do other stuff, and sometimes he lets me read my book quietly when he'd prefer to talk to me about his day.
I don't know anything about your relationship, but if things are otherwise fine, then maybe you just need to compromise a bit on this issue and find a time when you're both mentally and physically available to talk about the big stuff.

I was drinking yesterday because it was DH's birthday and I cooked his favourite dinner, but I did decide at one stage that I'd prefer to be in bed rather than staying up drinking wine, which was unusual for me. So we didn't drink all the wine in the house, which is good.
I'm going out to watch a friend of a friend in concert tomorrow night, and I think I'm going to try to not drink for the night, just to see if I can do it as much as anything else. I can't remember the last time I had a sober night out.

Yay Ma I hope it goes your way today, a great opportunity to prove yourself. I have been in a similar situation this year while my boss has been away on mat leave, it is scary but very satisfying to know that you CAN do it. Easier to manage without a hangover each day tho