SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

oh Dusty :(

Sorry that you are having a hard time with him again but I'm sorry to say it's probably best to get used to this. As for the lightning change on his attitude - yes, that was expectable as well.

There is no contrition in him. He is just doing the counselling for his own benefit and because he thinks once he's done it, he can rock back up on your doorstep and you will welcome him with open arms. You can see this is his game plan, by the "subtle" messages when he loses his temper. When he is back in control of himself, he puts his "face" back on - take notice of what happens when he's out of control, that's real.

Talk to your solicitor about getting the finances straight, in preparation for divorce. You can change your mind about the divorce later if you want/need to, but do try and get some agreement in place (legally binding) before things get that far as to what will happen financially. He may agree to it all willy nilly because he thinks it will never get that far, you will just fall on his neck and he will get his married life back again - and this is what you need to work on.

So I agree with Chipping - don't mention divorce again just yet, but try to get the solicitor to draw up some financial arrangements and get him to sign them, properly in front of witnesses etc. so it's legally binding.

Mouseface - I could do with all those things you mentioned but can't afford to pay you much! It's bloody muggy and sticky and thundery today though - not all fun in the sun, I promise

Thanks for the advice. Ive looked at the CSA website and even with shared care I would still be entitled to some maintenance. Its reduced by how many nights the children live with him obviously but its still enough to let me stay in the family home. Not sure what extra benefits I'd be entitled to but I'm going to find out.

He texted to say he wants to come over tomorrow to talk. He said at 5 but I told him he needs to come over while the kids are at school. He said he'd try and sort something out so we'll wait and see if that materialises. I'll follow your advice. Hopefully if he sees me backing off from filing for divorce he'll agree to sign whatever the solicitor draws up re financial arrangements and child care.

Bloody IBS playing up (at least I hope its that and not the bug come back for a second go) so can't sleep but thanks to the lovely Wynken coming bearing gifts of and hugs I did at least get to sleep earlier

Good news about the CSA. I'm surprised if parents are going to have 50% shared care that one parent needs to pay the other parent anything - but hey, I'm all for it, if it benefits you :)

It's great that you can afford to stay in the house.

You would need to make sure that he not only has them 50% of the time but that he contributes 50% to their clothes, school trips, school lunches, shoes, uniforms, (agreed) after school activities, medical costs... you know, all the things that kids drain your purse for!

Have you managed to find out anymore this morning?

Did he give you any idea what specifically he wants to talk about??

I hope Wynken brought our hugs too IBS is nasty and all this stress is not good :(

Oh Dusty...it is not looking great isn't it .

It seems that he is still very much in the "me, me, me" mindset - nothing about what is best for the DC or the wronged wife. How dare he behave in this way towards your poor DD. No wonder you are ill with the stress of dealing with it all.

I think he wants to talk about what happened yesterday and about me saying I'm seeing a solicitor.

I withdrew the money today and called OW and said to meet me to get it. She met me at the bank and I handed it over. I've decided any sympathy I had for her is gone. She didn't seem remotely shame faced or sorry for what she'd done. She just took the money and walked away. I resisted the temptation to tell her to stay away from my family etc. I just handed her the money and then drove away. I'm glad I went and did it myself though and didnt pass its to H's boss to give to her. It helped to see her again in the flesh and realise that she's really not all that special iykwim

I have an appointment for 11 tomorrow so hopefully will find out more then.

Someone has already said it but the head ruling the heart is the best way forward not the other way round.

If you re read this whole thread you would wonder why you are still bothering.

You are clinging to the dream of the relationship you had not what it has become.

I have reread it a couple of times maleview and I'm really not clinging like I was. I havent let go completely yet and I know that but I'm getting my head around the idea of divorce and moving on. I've done all the tax credits stuff, the bank stuff, I have transferred my half of the savings into a sole account, I have an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow and and interview at the job centre re benefits on friday.

I'm still not completely sure what I want and I'm not going to make any final decisions any time soon but I am going to put everything I need in place now that I will need long term should we make the split permanent. I've even spoken to dd about the possibility of divorce and whilst she's sad about the idea she says she'll support me if that's what I decide.

Not looking forward to our "talk" in a couple of hours but if I could phone OW and tell her to meet me and then hold my head up and keep my mouth shut when giving her the money then I can do this. I'm going to be bloody exhausted later after such a stressful day and only 2 1/2 hours sleep in the end last night.

Dusty I think it's really inappropriate that you are clearing up his messes for him, with the OW. Well done for not saying anything though. I think it's quite strange that she didn't say anything to you - if she's been in no contact with him, she's presumably wondering whether you have forgiven him and whether your relationship has survived. This would make me more suspicious about them having no contact.

I think it's telling that you (quite understandably) don't trust him not to shaft you if you mention the D word. That somehow underlines more than anything, why reconciliation seems to be doomed in this case.

I'm probably being rather dense, but why were you giving the OW money?

Am glad you are moving practically forwards, even if you're not sure in yourself what you want the outcome to be - at least if you have yourself set up financially, it's less of a worry if the split does become permanent.

Be prepared for your H to be all over the place with "the talk" - and try to stay calm if he gets agitated.

Good luck! xxx

He invested some money for her. I knew he'd done it as he told me at the time. Obviously when all this came out I said he had to pay her the money back. He agreed but seemed reluctant to actually sort it out and when I pressed him last week he told me he didnt want to sell the shares yet as they had a lot of potential. He said he'd rather split our long term savings and pay her back from his half of that and keep the shares for the moment (the shares are in his name so legally his). Wynken knows H so will be able to confirm that this sort of profit focussed thinking is H all over and so he is probably telling me the truth about this.

I agreed and since the savings are in both our names sorted it out rather than leave it to him as I wanted it over with. I went to give her the money as I didnt want to send her a cheque and then have to wait for her to pay it in. I wanted to control that side of things so I withdrew the money and took it to her myself. That way I know she has it and there is never any need for she and H to have any kind of contact again. If they do then I'll know for sure that I need to walk away.

I'm not convinced that there has been no contact of any kind given her behaviour today but tbh since they both work for the same company its quite possible that she would have heard that we are separated without him actually contacting her or sending her a message. If she knows we are separated and he really hasnt been in contact with her then maybe she was feeling really angry and upset when I met her and whatever she knows I doubt she was that happy about having to meet up with me however briefly. If there has been contact it will come out in the end.

I don't think he necessarily would shaft me if I started divorce proceedings but after all the lies he has told I have to err on the side of caution. He's showed no respect for me for the last 18 months and betrayed me completely. If he can do that to me and continue doing it even when I hit rock bottom last year then I have to presume he is capable of turning nasty about finances etc no matter how many reassurances he gives me. I want to trust him but I can't right now and maybe never will be able to again. Time will tell.

Dusty I think you're right not to trust him. I wouldn't either.

I'm just trying to point out that a man who bitterly regretted an affair and causing you and his daughter so much pain - and who wanted to save his marriage, wouldn't be acting like your H.

I would understand your wish not to make any decisions just yet IF you were seeing signs of genuine contrition and a desire from your H to repair the marriage. It would make sense to see whether all of that was just an initial act.

But it's difficult to understand why you are putting off a decision when you are getting such negative signs and such obvious evidence that his anger is all about the mess his own life is in, not yours or his children's.

What extra information are you waiting for in order to make a decision?

I'd not have given her any money .

She could never have proven your dh bought shares for her ...they are in his name . You as his wife will be legally entitled to half .

You gave her money to be morally right , I understand ,because you are a good person.

But she had no morals when it came to helping your dh destroy your marriage.

If you hadn't given her money and she lost her investment it would have been life giving her what she deserved.

Stop being so nice . It's not doing you any good. It's time to fight dirty.

Good luck with the lawyer

So sorry to hear this. Hope good things come to you.

Dusty - that took some doing, well done you. There is a little satisfaction when you acknowledge that the OW 'isn't all that' - but then you do tend to think 'all this upset over that '. When in actual fact, it has very little to do with the OW and what she is or isn't like.

Has he said what time he's coming over?

Have you decided what to say if he asks you if you are going to see a solicitor? Get a divorce?

You don't have to rush into a decision - you are doing really well, as you are. Separating things out, decorating your room, getting the finances in order etc

Where are you at with him having DS 50% of the time until you have made your decison?

Maybe he wants to talk about his session yesterday??

I did consider keeping the money but I'm better than that. Its not something I'd ever have felt good about so it would have been wrong to do it no matter what she's done to me.

I'm not sure what stops me making the decision now. I suppose if I'm honest its that last bit of hope and struggle to let go of the marriage I thought we had. As long as I sort things out legally though I don't see that delaying actual divorce proceedings really makes much difference in the scheme of things. Also it'll be far better to keep things as amicable as possible for as long as possible as I'll achieve nothing by antagonising him unnecessarily. If nothing else I need to make sure I have my lovely holiday down under before putting on the boxing gloves. Its a bit like how i deal with professionals and ds. I play nice because that generally gets the best results for him and me but I'm no push over and I'm quite capable of standing my ground and fighting when i have to.

I would have been tempted to keep the money to pay the solicitors fees - no OW, no solicitors fee - could be argued it should be her expense

Dustystarry, sorry you are going through the mill atm.

I think you are doing the right thing getting some proper legal advice, it helps to know exactly where you will stand/how things are likely to pan out if things don't work out.

I think you may need to take a step back from all the drama that is being created re the counselling and letting himself in etc. It is so easy to "react" to these things and I think it plays into their hands as it were. I know I was very reactionary when I was going through it - I think I ran on my anger, sadness etc. It wasn't helpful in the long run.

Do you know what you want your H to do wrt to repairing the marriage, what would help you ? I know I wanted to feel really loved by my DH, that I was in his mind, that he wanted to repair the marriage as much as me. I loved receiving texts from him whilst he was at work as it showed he was thinking about me, that he took me out to lunch etc. (ie the sort of time he invested in the OW). You may not feel the same way but it was these things that helped along with the joint counselling and him coming over to help with the DCs at bath/bed (mine were younger than yours).

Remember this is your life and not your family's or friends personal drama so do what you want to do.

Best wishes.

I can see that you need to keep things amicable, but I don't agree that starting divorce proceedings and saying you've given up is an antagonistic action. Given his actions and ambivalence post-affair, that would be an entirely reasonable stance for you to take. I would go even further and say it was advisable.

However, this is sort of what I'm getting out - you think he will regard that as antagonistic and would punish you for it - and possibly the DCs. Doesn't that tell you something about his ability to change and become the partner and father you need?

I also think that prolonging a decision frustrates the recovery process. If he's worth having, realising that you've had enough and that he's lost you might just jolt him out of his self-pity, anger and vacillation. If not, at least you know sooner and can therefore start recovering alone and without any false hopes of reconciliation.

Well that was a joyous 45 mins I told him I'm going to see a solicitor tomorrow and also talked through all the other stuff I'd found out re maintenance etc. He asked what we could do to resolve things. I'm glad he's making an effort with the counselling but I think Im going to have to bite my tongue if he keeps it up with the therapy speak!

We discussed the inappropriateness of him calling dd yesterday but he seemed to struggle to see it was a big deal as he needed to speak to me urgently and i wouldn't answer the phone so he feels he had no choice There was no point in pursuing it today so I left it but I will be bringing it up in counselling.

He says he doesnt want a divorce but he's still holding back on making a commitment to me atm. I told him I had wanted him to take some time to think about things but he's been gone nearly 6 weeks now and he seems more confused than ever. I think maybe the truth is that he isnt in love with me any more but as much as he feels for OW he knows he doesn't love her enough to choose her over me either. I told him he could go to counselling for years and never know anything for sure and that in the end he just has to make a decision.

The counsellor told him that the way to have the best of both worlds is to get back the passionate side of our relationship and that we both need to work on that. I asked him how he thought we were supposed to do that when he won't make a commitment one way or another. He said he is scared to make that commitment and for us to try and get the passionate stuff back and for it to fail.

He's gone to do the school run as I'm feeling wobbly. We're both going to go to the counselling session next week to talk through what we both want. Neither of us wants things to go back as they were. We are both going to spend the next few days thinking about what we want to change if we get back together and exactly how we are going to try rebuild are marriage. TBH I think our relationship is probably over but for now I will go to the sessions and make an effort.

I'm angry and hurting atm and feel like telling the solicitor tomorrow to go ahead with divorce proceedings but I think that would be a mistake right now. I know I could halt a divorce if I changed my mind but it'll make things between us very difficult and if I'm going to look after mine and the childrens interests I need to keep him on side. Also it benefits no-one for things to get nasty between us - least of all the kids. So softly softly it is for now.

I feel for you, you must be so exhausted as well as angry and hurt.

I think while he is being so ambivalent, its going to be impossible for you both to resurrect the passionate side of your relationship. I think he just can't let go of the OW and that's the main issue holding him back from committing himself.

You are talking like its him that needs to make the decision on one hand then you making a decision about divorce on the other.

I cant believe a counsellor would say that about the passionate side without you even being there! You are a few weeks from finding out about a year long affair and a counsellor is advising jumpiing back into bed?

Have you had a nice ?

I think he's enjoying the counselling - I think it's feeding a need in him.

He's such an idiot if he can't see how damaging it is to involve DD - let alone the fact that you were choosing not to talk to him, which is your right. He needs to understand that you are your own person, not just his wife. He needs to get a grip on the fact that the world does not actually revolve around him. Git.

I'm a bit confused as to why you said to him that he needs to make a decision - that feels a bit like you have handed him back the power to decide how this is going to end. He needs to know it's just as much your decision.

The counsellor told him that the way to have the best of both worlds is to get back the passionate side of our relationship and that we both need to work on that

WTAF? Either you have a crap C or this is total bullshit. There's no way a decent C would have said that. Sounds to me like he wants sex with you and will say whatever it takes to get it. Git.

It's not going to hurt to decide what you would want if you were to get back together, but the thing you have to bear in mind is that he's highly unlikely to change.

Talk to the S, see how you feel at the time. I don't see the advantage to going ahead with the D if you aren't sure it's what you want. Softly softly catchy monkey... bide your time until you know what you want.
xx

I don't think that his decision is important - yours is. x

Dustystarry, are you receptive to being romanced/wooed by him ? Even going for a walk in the country with the kids in tow ? Anything ? Repairing a marriage takes a hell of a lot of effort on both parts - you to put aside some of the hurt and anger and him to put aside the ambivalence to make an effort to do something together to get the fun, romance, back etc.

It's hard but suddenly you start laughing together again and it helps IYSWIM.