SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Thanks to Mouse too - Im a little bit proud of me for deciding to do this too

Dusty - that will be brilliant :)

How would you feel about taking DD with you?

Chipping that's exactly what I was going to suggest too. Dusty, it might be a lovely thing for your DD to have time alone and away with you too - her dad might end up relying too much on her to help out with her brother otherwise. :(

Australia in January will be bloody hot, btw.

Dusty - in the end, it's not our business whether you decide to keep your H or dump him - all we can do is offer advice, support, a shoulder and practical help where possible. It's your marriage - only you know what you can stand and the main thing to remember is that if you decide to give him another go, you can still change your mind later if you want to.

Someone once told me after my first fiancé fucked off that even if he came back, it could never be the same. It's like having a favourite ornament that is smashed - you can glue it back together but you'll always be able to see the cracks. Now you can look at this in more than one way too - either the glue and cracks mean it's ruined for you, or it means that the ornament means so much that you were prepared to put the time and love into mending it, despite how badly smashed it was. Only you can know which view you take.

She will be cross, but also she will be fine. She can spend time with your parents, sister, us, doggy lady and will have lots to do. In fairness to H (did I just say that ?!) 2 weeks will be tough but there are enough of us around to have DD and DS for it to be fine.

Can see why people are suggesting taking DD but I think in the circumstances Dusty does need the time alone. Her DD, though gorgeous, is a typical 13 year old and living with one myself, I know how very self absorbed they can be and how they never flipping shut up ! It's lovely they like to talk but in no way conducive to being in the slightest bit restful or giving-any head space. Plus she's just started her new school and I think she could do with being there and getting used to the routine . DH agrees . Think you need a total complete break from your DC's .

What about taking DD away a bit after you come back for a weekend, jump ona plane to somewhere in Europe for a weekend, shopping in Paris maybe ?

That's fair enough, Wynken - guess it helps to know the people involved, hey!

Yes, absolutely, am cheating with my inside knowledge.

I hope Dusty doesn't kind me saying this, I don't think she will. A few weeks before she found out about her H, her DS attacked her with a hammerand threw a door down the stairs that landed on her. DH and I were both really worried about her before this happened. I can't offer to have her DS (but her family and another of her friends can) as I don't feel able to cope with him if he melts down, which I think sort of illustrates how stressful her life is on a day to day level and why 2 weeks in Oz is a fantastic idea for her in my book !

Wow, that sounds fab - you deserve a decent break after all that crap!

Wynken is right. I know dd would love to come but I need to be selfish right now and if she's with me I'll be worrying about her. I have told her that we will go to disneyland Paris in May and that it'll either just be her, me and ds or if h is back him as well. My neighbour had a chat with her last night and helped her to understand why I need to do this and she seemed much happier when she got home. It helped that my neighbour has had a couple of holidays without her girls and went away for a month when her youngest dd was about 13. Her dd was able to reassure mine that 2 weeks will be fine.

H and I will need to talk through things before I go obviously and there is no way I am going to let him rely on her to sort ds out. That is his job as his Dad. He has been much better after what happened when I was in London though. I think it made him realise how selfish he had been re childcare and how much responsibility I had had to take for everything all the time. He's still selfish but he really does seem to be trying to address this and start taking more parental responsibility. Just as well really because if we do split up I'm going for shared residency so he'll have to take a more hands on role then ;)

My sis and I will work out where we will be on what days and organise times to Skype home so dd and ds can talk to me and see Im ok and tell me about their days. I'm feeling positive today and really excited about this trip. I've always wanted to go to Aus

Any idea which bit you'll be going to, Dusty? Where will your sis be in January? If you're in Sydney for any length of time, let me know - there's a bunch of us out here :)

Glad DD has come around to the idea of you going - and I see what Wynken and you are both saying, you need the space to recharge.

Bloody hell dusty - you are dealing with so much aren't you. I'm sure DD will be just fine xx

Re what you have said about shared residency, I remember telling my H while I was thinking about the arrangements should I decide to split up that I would insist on 50:50 child access, including school holidays. It made him realise just how much harder it would make his life while my life would be much easier with half the week to myself .

Thats what i thought too choc. Ive been doing it on my own for a long time and that stops now. Whether living with us or somewhere else H is going to have to take a far more proactive role as a parent from now on. If we split up permanently I will at least get some respite which i get precious little of now. We'll make it joint custody and residency of both kids but dd may well want to spend most time with me to start with and H knows that.

Not sure if we'll be in Sydney yet thumb. H has got to sort out which 2 weeks will work best for him and he'll find out tomorrow when he goes into work. Then I can let my sis know and she'll tell me where she'll be. I'd love to see Sydney though and I know my sis loves it there so fingers crossed we'll spend at least a couple of days there.

Now I just need to lose some weight and get a bit fitter as its going to be hot out there! 30 day Shred time I think. Just think in 8 weeks I could be on the other side of the world I am getting more and more excited

Fab day. Best for a long time. I'm really excited about going to see my little sis in Aus and thats going to be such a good thing to think about in the low days that I'm bound to have in the next few weeks. I had a lovely lunch out with my Mum. A nice hour with H before the school run which was short enough not to leave me feeling weird. Then a bath, some make-up and out to sing with Unity choir at our local concert hall rehearsing for the opening of the Olympics next year. Came out of there buzzing and then went to the pub with some of the girls for karaoke and a bit of a giggle. I had several compliments on how I looked tonight from members of the choir and am now chilling on the sofa with my stinky speckled dogs and a big glass of sauv blanc. Happy days

I'm a fair way from the top of the world right now but tonight Im much closer to there than the abyss!!

Dusty - that all sounds fab

To be perfectly honest, knowing what it's like living with a lad like your DS (and I do :( ) the though of 50/50 shared care with the shared care being at his Dad's would probably be enough to make me want to split up without the other stuff! It's fucking hard & the older/bigger they get, the harder it is. I am so glad though, that whether you get back together or not, H has to have a more hands on role with the kids, especially DS.

I understand what you (& Wynken) are saying about wanting time out from everything and I do understand :) I just think that especially as DD found the msgs etc she's probably really finding all of this hard and would benefit from some time alone with you - could you get H to have DS and go away for a weekend with DD before Christmas? I just think it would help you both so much.

8 short weeks and the world Australia is your oyster You are going to have an absolute blast!!!

bleugh bloody body couldn't let everything go ok could it I had a horrible bout of IBS last night and feel yuck this morning. Ive over slept and now ds is going to be late for school (not that he minds lol) I'm not going to let it bring me down though

I have to admit chipping that having 1/2 the week "off" does make a permanent split much more attractive H is really going to have to pull out all the stops to convince me he's worth giving that up for

Atta girl dusty

Nice to see a post that makes people smile from you xx

Ha ha, that made me smile too Dusty!

Sorry about the IBS though - probably the stress - do you normally take stuff for it? If not, have you tried a peppermint capsule?

That's my girl!!

Hope you've been feeling better today. IBS is evil.

Bleugh turns out it wasnt IBS but a stomach bug as I've been rough all day DS was a star though and looked after me and let me doze most of the day. Hopefully it'll be the 24 hour sort and I'll start to feel better tomorrow.

Oh no :(

It's good DS has been so well behaved and considerate!! :)

Fingers crossed you feel much better in the morning!

oh Dusty! hope you feel better in the morning :) Top marks to your DS for being so good and helpful (see we DO need a star as well as for just such occasions as these!)

I will definitely be spending a few days in Sydney Thumb. Still not sure of the dates yet though. Lil Sis recommends a few days in Sydney first to acclimatise and get over jet lag. Then we are going to travel round and see Ayers rock, The great barrier reef and a couple of others places!!

It sounds FAB Dusty!!

What did H say when you told him? What did he say about the money?

How are you feeling today?

Cool! Well, if you have the time and fancy it, just let us know when you're around and maybe we can meet for lunch :)

Don't spend long at Uluru, btw - it's very boring after you've seen it once! I spent 3 days there, one doing King's Canyon, another driving myself out to Uluru and the Olgas and that was enough (I had a 3rd day which was a bit tedious). Mind you, it rained on me - good because = fewer flies but bad because = lots of red mud; good because of seeing lots of desert flowers, but bad because no decent sunrise/sunset over Uluru. You won't have that problem in January - it will be, as they say here, stinking hot (with lots of flies).