SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Dusty - I definitely agree that there often seems no point in what they are doing unless they want to rebuild the relationship - unfortunately, it's sometimes not clear until later on.

Do you know what her situation is? Is she single (I think you said earlier she was??), does she live alone or with her parents? etc

It may be something like they have found a place but can't move in for a month, he knows he couldn't stay at his Mum's if he told her this, so he's stringing you all along until then...

I'm not saying that is it, I'm just saying it's stuff like that, that makes them go to councelling, tell you what you want to hear etc.

Have you considered a private investigator? It will only take a few days and wont cost much... ?

As for emptying his pockets - he'd have to be a complete and utter idiot to bring a second phone or anything into the house - he'd have left it in the glove box. He managed to hide the affair for over a year - he's going to be extra careful now.

As for emptying his pockets - he'd have to be a complete and utter idiot to bring a second phone or anything into the house - he'd have left it in the glove box. He managed to hide the affair for over a year - he's going to be extra careful now.

Exactly. As hard as it is for your to hear these words dusty, you can't trust him yet. He has a lot more work to do yet if you are to remain with him.

I agree with others, you need to go and get your free half hour with a solicitor.

I don't trust him. Im glad I didn't find anything when I checked his bag and pockets but I know that doesnt mean he's telling the truth now. If he has a phone though Im not sure where he'd hide it. He doesnt have access to the car as I have the keys. He walks everywhere. He'd be taking a real risk leaving it at work or his Mums so I still think he'd be most likely to have it somewhere on him. Not finding one does not mean that I trust him though. After 18 months of lying Id be a bloody fool to take his word for anything right now.

I spoke to the bank today and the only practical option available regarding our savings is to split them equally into two individual accounts. They don't do joint signatory any more and they won't just freeze one account. I have a form for H to sign and then we can get it sorted.

OW is single and has her own flat so H could move in with her if he wanted. I'm quite sure she'd have him so its not that thats stopping him. His Mum would also support him in any decision he made as she regrets pushing him back into a failed marriage last time and is bending over backwards to give him all the space and support he needs to make the right decision for him this time. So no pressure to make a decision from there either.

I've thought about a PI but Im pretty sure he's not actually seen her so im not sure they'd find anything. We are going to have joint counselling next week so I am going to push him for some answers while we're there. I know I still can't trust him but there is the chance that he's being totally straight with me now and the only way he is going to be able to show me that is by continuing to make an effort and showing that he wants to save our marriage.

Yeah - sorry, I forgot about the car, that does make it a little more tricky, but still... well, you know...

Can you not put all of the savings into your name for now? At the moment it's in a joint account which if they don't do 'joint signatory' must mean you can take out by yourself surely?

It's all such a nightmare isn't it :(

Have you got your bedroom floor down yet?

dusty - have you asked him why he has had two affairs? You said 'the last time' as in he's done this before, with you or with another partner?

Sorry if I've missed that in your posts, has he said why he cheated on you for over a year?

Not touched the bedroom in the last few days :(

I thought about transferring all the money but I know H will see that as an aggressive move on my part and although i owe him nothing I would rather avoid antagonising him unnecessarily. I know he will agree to splitting it like this so I think its the best way of doing it.

Just spoke to the colleague that OW claims she was trying to call. She was lovely and said that OW is working in her store at the end of the week so did have a legitimate reason to call her. Plus she called OW when she found out about the affair (about 2 days after me) and that OW hadnt had her number before that so it is possible (however unlikely) that it was a genuine mistake.

The other affairs were when he was with his exwife. He says he doesnt know why he let it go on for so long.

Oh dusty - I'm sorry. He reminds me of my XP. He had one affair after the other, all the while playing happy family, I knew what he was doing but buried my head deep into the sand.

He says he doesnt know why he let it go on for so long - Because he could and because he wanted to.

What's the plan for getting your lovely bedroom finished?

Dusty - I really wouldn't split the money like that. You may end up being completely responsible for both of your kids - you need that little bit of security. I would trf all the money to an account in your name. He has betrayed you in a terrible way and you cannot trust him - tell him this, be perfectly blunt about it. Tell him that until things are sorted you want the money kept safe and that once things are sorted you can discuss how it will be kept/split/spent. People that are untrustworthy cannot complain they can't be trusted.

It's possible it was a mistake...

How well do you know the colleague? Do you think she's someone you could ask to try to work out if they're still in touch/what she thinks is going on??

I didnt ask her but she offered. She was always close to H so i thought she'd feel her loyalty was to him but she says she's happy to let me know if she thinks they still have contact. She says she thinks there has been none since I found out but says she wouldnt trust him either after what he's done. I think I can trust her - Im pretty sure if she wasnt happy to do this she'd just say so.

Mouse: because he wanted to and could is the reason for all this happening. When I said this to him he accepted that this was certainly part of it. He swears that he hasn't been unfaithful to me before and looking back I can't see any evidence of a previous affair but for the last 18 months of our marriage I was aware that things were not good between us and I felt him pulling away from me emotionally - just thought it was because of me being so stressed and depressed and pushing him away. I didnt think for a second that he was being unfaithful. Of course he could be lying and he's not stupid - he knows that admitting to a previous affair would mean the end of our marriage.

My lovely bedroom is still on the agenda chipping :)

We have already agreed that if the split is permanent that we will split the savings as he will sign over the house to me. I know this may all change if things get acrimonious but for now I am happy to stick with this plan. If he rips me off with the savings money he will lose out more as I have possession of over £10,000 worth of rare records that he's collected - he bought them all through ebay using my ebay and paypal accounts so legally if it came to a fight for ownership I'd win ;)

he knows that admitting to a previous affair would mean the end of our marriage.

So what's different now?

Did you know about the affairs he had with his XW?

I love the fact that you have the records via your ebay account! Keep them safe!

Seriously though, what do YOU want? Never mind him. I know that you can't just turn your feelings off (if only huh?) but pushing your emotions aside,do you want to live with him, be with him or do you think that you just can't go back there again?

It's easy for the reader to scream at the screen 'LEAVE, THROW THE BASTARD OUT'!!

But this is YOUR life, YOUR marriage and YOUR decision, not ours. Or his actually. I think that you really need to pull all of this apart..... if he cheated on his first wife, and no doubt swore to her he'd never do it again, begged for forgiveness........ and then cheated on you....... I'm just not sure that he wants to be faithful.

but for the last 18 months of our marriage I was aware that things were not good between us and I felt him pulling away from me emotionally - just thought it was because of me being so stressed and depressed and pushing him away - Oh dusty - please don't blame yourself for this. NEVER blame yourself. You didn't push him in to her arms did you? He chose to go to her. You didn't force him to lie to you for the last year or so did you?

This is all his doing. Please don't blame yourself, you have enough to deal without putting that pressure on yourself as well xx

I don't blame myself honestly. I meant that at the time when i sensed him pulling away emotionally I put it down to all the stress we'd both been under and thought that a lot of it was because of how low i'd been etc. Now I know that the reason he was distant was he was giving that emotional stuff to another woman I know it wasnt me at all. Yes things were tough and I'd been struggling but nothing I did excuses his behaviour. We both allowed our marriage to get into difficulties but he's the one that had an affair instead of trying to fix things with me.

I did know about the affairs yes. If you read through the the earlier part of this thread that is covered there and Im ashamed to say i was one of them and he left his ex for me.

I still love him and if he's prepared to make changes and be less selfish and a better husband from now on then I think I'd like us to try again. Obviously its going to take a while for me to trust him again and for him to prove that these changes are going to be ongoing and not just temporary. We have months of counselling to go through before I make a decision about what i want to do. Its not just his decision and I may end up changing my mind about what i want. Im just going to take it one day at a time.

I thought that might be the case, you were the one he left his ex for. I'm sorry, I kinda skimmed the first few pages, I'll go and read them after this post.

Of course you still love him, and if I am really honest with you, you took a risk the moment you got together 'properly'. But who's to say that it wasn't a risk worth taking? If you love him and him you then that was enough for a starting point I guess.

It's whether or not you can forgive him for what he has done to you, and what he did to his first wife..........

Will he do it again?

Who knows, only him I guess.

Will go and read this from the start, properly.

Hi Dusty, sorry to read you are going through this, it is unbelievably rubbish to learn that your DH has lied and was able to deceive you. I once thought that my DH would never be able to fool/lie to me, he did, long story you can probably find it in a search history.

Upshot is he got another chance, AF and others advised me and gave great support but he got another chance despite suggestions to kick him into touch..........................we are stronger than ever despite a terrible year (again a search will back this up but not due to infidelity) in summary life can be a bitch but you sound strong, in control and able to think rationally. You do still love him so perhaps Relate etc. can save your marriage, it is possible.

RL people can be great, I got plenty of support at the time which I could not have survived without. Confused about OW trying to contact you - are you phoning her back?

Hi Tes. Im not calling her again as I cant see the point. If it was a genuine mistake then its not one she's going to repeat + if she lied about it being a mistake then there's no reason to think I'll get anything useful from talking to her.

MN is great as a place to vent + get support + advice but in the end the decision about whether to give h another chance is down to me. I think its probably clear from most of my posts that atm I would like us to come through this better + stronger as a couple but I have certain conditions that he must be prepared to meet for that to happen. We're having a joint coynselling session next week and I'm going to make notes of what I want to say so I don't forget + hopefully our "no bullshit" counsellor will push him to respond to me honestly + openly.

Reading this thread makes me glad I didn't decide to give my exw another go.

You are already suffering every day. You know you cant trust him. He has now had THREE affairs minimum in his life! That is not someone who learns from their previous mistakes.

You will always be wary of him. Why live life like that? There are men who dont cheat on their partners.

I never looked back after moving on and our child adjusted well. We stayed friendly despite what happened and I was very happy to do this. I like her more now than I did when we were married but I dont have to worry about what she is up to anymore and I dont care as it doesnt affect me anymore.

If you choose to stay then good luck. I loved my wife when we split up and it hurt but I moved on, loved again and now feel safe and secure with my current DW.

Good post Maleview, my thoughts also after reading the whole thread. I too found that we get on better, years down the line because I feel that we've both grown up to some extent, matured, regardless of our age. It's nice to read that you're happy now too.

dusty

Thing is, as Chipping said to you, you can't change your past, or his. But you CAN control the future.

Okay, I have now read all of your posts, and a few others!

He got caught out and admitted it to his Area Manager. OW was moved to another store (as punishment?) but this all started when he used to drop her off after work to save her walking home in the dark?

I'm so sorry (and angry) that your DD found out about his affair and had to tell you. Poor girl. No wonder she was angry with him, putting her in that position deliberately or not makes him a selfish idiot.

I agree that you need some real space as others have said but dusty - promise yourself that you won't feel sorry for him at anytime during this process, or guilty for what you did to his partner before you. Some might say what goes around, comes around (not my thoughts here btw) but I think you already knew what you were getting into. You fell in love with him and him you. It happens. It's what you do about it I guess........

But I do know one thing, he is not worth your sympathy. You are just as important as anyone else. You need to have time out from DS and from the day to day shit that you are having to deal with, all the ins and outs, paperwork, informing people of the split etc.....

Do school know? And DS's docs/Paeds/SENCO etc? You could really do with some help with explaining things as they transpire to him, IIRC, you said his current SENCO wasn't so great, lazy?

Does he, DS, have a respite worker who can come in and give you some space? Or anyone else?

I really hope that you take on board GreenMunkies's (SP?) post, and Mollymoo's too.

I'm absolutely certain that my DH has felt like bolting some days, life is incredibly hard with a child who has SN, in fact, the lack of sleep alone is enough to drive you to drink! ADs can't help with that, I know. There are days when you'd sell your soul to Satan for an hour of unbroken sleep.

DD sounds alot like my DD, she's 12. DS (aka Nemo) has Complex Special Needs and 24/7 care. He's 2.5 so there is a difference in age but still, I always feel guilty that he has the best of me IYSWIM? And she has what's left, as does DH. Children with additional needs are full time, full on work.

Your H has to help. He knows him too, which means he can help. Familiarity is better than strangers. As is routine. It must be so hard for your DS.

Your world's have been totally turned upside down. If you look back though dusty - it's been a month to the day since your first post.

Look how far you've come! Look at you now. Yes, you're sad, and hurting, angry and grieving. Yes you could slap him six ways from Sunday but look at YOU.

What happens from here on in is all down to YOU and do you know what? The DCs will be just fine.

Personally, I think taking him back would be a mistake. Certainly doing that any time soon. You need to heal and to rebuild yourself. He needs to prove that he does want to be with you for the long term.

And your children need to learn to live with their parents apart for now.

No easy task I grant you. You and the DC need to learn to live without him. Again, not nice but it is necessary for a while.......

Don't worry about Christmas, Birthdays etc...... take it a day at a time, an hour, whatever works for YOU. Agree to nothing until you have time to think.

So if he asks you something, tell him you'll get back to him.

Talk to your friends and family. Let them help you, let them in. And be kind to yourself. Stop with the what ifs and maybes. You can't change what has happened.

Find the real YOU again, what YOU want. For you and the children xx

Sorry for the epic post!

I know there are good men out there who would treat me better than he has and if he doesnt make the changes he has promised then it will be over for us and I will walk away. If I was looking at this from the outside Id see what so many of you see - a selfish shit of a man who's had 3 affairs already - and I'd probably be advising the OP to kick him out and move on. I'm not on the outside though and I still love him. We still get on well and in spite of all this still rarely argue really. I'm not saying I'm going to give him another chance. Its going to be a long while yet before I am ready to consider that properly. I'm not ready to rule it out just yet though either.

If we get back together trust will be an issue for a long time and I will never trust him as completely as I once did but I do think that its possible to get trust back to a level where a relationship can become good again. Because of the way we got together I thought I would struggle to trust him but for some reason I never did. It wasnt that he persuaded me to trust him but more that I decided that since I had taken this chance with him that it was pointless spending my time worrying that he might be unfaithful to me too. If he's telling me the truth then he was faithful for over 13 years. That doesnt make this infidelity any less hurtful or wrong but I do think that so long as he makes the changes and keeps them up that I will be able to get a lot of that trust back. Not because of him but because of me.

All the professionals etc know about whats happened. They have to really as ds current behaviour has to be affected by whats happening and therefore in order to support his needs effectively and gauge any progress/deterioration they all have to know. My family and friends know too. I'm not shouting it from the rooftops but I've nothing to be ashamed of so I'm not hiding it either. A few of my neighbours know too and are also being supportive.

I have told H that I am changing the tax credits to come into a single account in my name rather than the joint one and we are going to the bank today to sort out the savings account too. I am going to get £1000 more than him (his idea). He keeps saying he will look after us financially and would never mess us about but I pointed out to him that since I never believed he be unfaithful either that I'd be a fool just to trust him now. I said I want to trust him but can't right now and need to protect myself and the children. He has accepted all this.

It sounds as though he's making all the right noises and I really hope for all of you that he remains to do so dusty......

None of us are in your life, none of us know him or you, or how you are together as a couple. And you know yourself if you read your thread you'd be screaming at the screen!

But this is your life, your children and actually your husband when all is said and done so it's up to you.

In one month you have gone through so many emotions, said so many things to each other, felt so utterly lost and then found again.

It won't take month's to get you back on track, it will take until you are able to trust him again, to let him walk out of the door without expecting the worst to happen, to not want to check his phone constantly, feeling the relief when you know he is telling you the truth.

I hope that the OW leaves him alone. She has nothing to gain from contacting him, other than pissing you off, but that novelty will soon pass.

One thing that you mustn't do if you decide to give it another go is to use he infidelities as a weapon in any future arguments.

You have to understand that if you take him back, try again that this has to remain in the past. For good. Mud slinging won't help either of you. Nut then again I get the impression that you know this and accept it. I think you know what you want but will do all that you can to make sure that YOU are in control from here on in.

I'm glad that school etc know because as you say, DS will display the emotions of this, in school, at home and elsewhere.

Just keep going dusty - you are getting stronger every day. You have the support of MN behind you, some great advice on here from those who are in the know as such........ keep posting and letting your feelings and frustration out on here. xx

Ok I know a lot of you think I'm mad for even considering taking h back and on paper I can see that you're right so Ive decided i need some time away. My lil sis is travelling around Aus etc for the next few months so in January I am going to go out and meet up with her for a couple of weeks. I can't go before then as I don't have a current passport and I might also need jabs and H can't get any time off in december as its against company policy so January it is. Two weeks travelling around somewhere I have never been, just taking in the sights and being selfish with my time. Its been a strange day as spent much of it with H and it was nice but after a few hours my head was fried and I got tearful. I need to get away from everything but I don't really want to be completely alone so meeting up with my sis will be perfect. Its also something to look forward to

dusty - fantastic. Truly fantastic. You so need that. What a lovely thing to do, see the sights of Australia and your little sister too. Can I carry your bags for you?

Seriously, that is what you need, and as you say, something to look forward to. Something purely selfish, purely for YOU.

Can I say that I'm proud of you? I am but not in a kiss ass way.

So between now and then, keep your thread open, keep coming back, come and talk to us, share your thoughts, even in the middle of the night if you have a wobble, or just need to vent, there's always someone around but you know that.

You are doing the right thing..... because this is your life.

I'm not surprised that you found today hard after a while, almost like let's play happy families even though we'r not, putting a smile on your face, trying not to snap, cry, fall apart, shout, scream, run, fight.......

It's no wonder that your head is fried.

Glass of wine, feet up and an early night. xx

Flipping heck well done you. If I don't eat between now and January, could I fit into your Rucksack do you think?

I think that is exactly what you need. Things were tough with DS before DH's bombshell and I think time away, especially somewhere like that, with your sister is absolutely perfect.

Just so you know where I stand, it's not that I think you are mad to consider taking him back (though I know I couldn't in your position but this isn't about me). It's just I think you would be ill advised to trust a word he is saying right now and not to have put some financial protection for you and the DC's in place, which is what you've been busy doing anyway now.

Not that I particularly feel like making H's life easy for him, but DD is welcome to spend a weekend over here when you are away if she would like to, we'd love to have her.

I'm so proud of you taking control like this, well done you [happy]

Lovely post Wynken xx

Thanks Wynken. DD is upset with me for wanting time away but I know its what I need. I've always wanted to go travelling and I've never done it so this will be a small taste. I don't expect to find any answers out there but it will give me the space I need to get some perspective and if nothing else it will be fab to see some of the places my sis has planned to visit. I've sorted the bank stuff and I might visit a solicitor next week too Im not sure yet but I am definitely going away