SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

He was fine about the money. I think he's a little concerned about how much it will cost but he's supporting my desire to go and is trying to not be his usual tight arsed self lol. I think most of the cost will be the flights as lil sis has friends in Sydney that we can stay with and she says internal flights are cheap in Aus. I can't wait to spend a night at Ayers rock and see the stars in all their glory. I've always wanted to do that. I'm also very excited about snorkelling at the Great Barrier Reef and seeing all the coral and fish We're also going to spend a day or two in Port Douglas. I don't know anything about this palce but my sis says its supposed to be beautiful.

I'm feeling much better today than yesterday but still not great. Very tired and achy but at least Im up and about and hopefully I'll be fine tomorrow.
We have our second joint counselling session tomorrow so I really want to be fighting fit so that I can remember everything I want to say and actually say it while we're there and he can't do his usual thing of clamming up.

Thanks Thumb - any advice on how to deal with the flies? Do they bite/sting or are they just annoying?

Bloody annoying. You know those cork hats that are stereotypically Aussie? That's what they're for, to bash the flies.
Plenty of mozzies to bite you as well though...

re. your counselling session tomorrow - take a notepad! Use it! In fact, make a list of stuff you want to say before you go and take it with you. Invaluable. :)

I was thinking about doing that as i know how bad my memory is at the best of times. I always do it for meeting about ds that i know will be difficult.

Avon's Skin so Soft for the mozzies. Anglers swear by it.

If you dont think you will remember everything when going to counselling then write things down ......... it aint a hanging offense having a bad memory especially at times of stress.

GL xx

I took Avon SSS to Scotland - the mossies loved it, treat it as the starter!!

I'm glad he's been OK about the money. I bet it still ends up costing you a fair bit though, flights aren't too much, but they add up. So will going to PD & the GBR. There will be fees/charges/food etc. It will be worth every penny though, a real once in a lifetime trip with your Sis :) x

Have you started on your list of things to discuss tomorrow?

What's the top of your list to discuss/sort?

What are you going to do about him starting to have DS a lot more?

How is DD??

www.immi.gov.au/visitors/tourist/976/ Remember you have to get a visa for Australia as well - this is the best place to get it from, it's the Govt website. It's an electronic travel permit, it's all you need and it is the right price. Some of the other websites who sell visas to Australia may charge you more - so do use this site. I've linked it to the tourist visa for up to 3m, which is the one you most likely need but if you want a different one you'll be able to find it on the site easily enough.

Chipping - midgies in Scotland are a law unto themselves, I believe!
Although I have to say I'd be getting something stronger than Avon Skin So Soft, the mozzies here are pretty persistent too.

Dusty - I'd also just warn you that things are expensive here, including food, clothes and pharmaceuticals - so bring everything you need if you can (not food, obviously!!) rather than thinking you'll just buy it here. :)

dusty - You simply HAVE to take me with you!! You have sold it to me just by the excitement and emotion in your posts, I really do hope that you have the best time ever You're doing so well xx

Thumby - Do you need a maid? Cook? Cleaner? Nanny? Erm, gardener?

Soo pissed off with him right now! I picked him up from work and he was miserable as sin. Its only a 5 minute drive to counselling really but in that time he made it clear that he'd rather be going by himself, he criticised my driving (trivial but uncalled for), and complained that I hadn't brought any money with me. By the time we got there I was too upset to go in. I know he's had a shitty morning at work but I'm so angry and hurt that he has taken it out on me.

I was anxious about todays session as it was but I really wanted us to keep working on our relationship as well as H get his individual stuff. I asked him last week to let the counsellor know that we would both come this week and he forgot I suppose I should have taken that as a sign of his priorities - himself yet again!!

I'm going next week regardless and so is he because I need to have this out with him somewhere he can't hide away or go quiet because he doesn't want to answer. I was having a good day today as well

Dusty :(

He just can't resist showing his true colours can he?! Though, as much as it upsets you at the time, I don't think that's so bad as at least he's reminding you why you need to think about what to do very carefully :(

I think you really really have to think about why you are so keen to work on your relationship but he isn't.

Also, it's really unprofessional of a councellor to see you as individuals & as a couple. It's really much better to see different councellors independently then one you see together. It's 'ok' if you are going with him to see his councellor - but not if you are going to joint councelling (does that make sense?)

Dusty . Really sorry you are going through this .

I'm so glad you've made the decision to go away, I do think it's a great idea and sounds fabulous.

I don't even know why you are trying. The guy is an asshole, always has been, always will be :(

I don't see him trying very hard.........just a lot of effort and heartache from you. Whilst he continues to treat you like shit. Is he worth it?

He probably isnt really and my head knows that but my bloody stupid heart doesn't want to let go.

I spoke to the counsellor about the possible conflict about seeing both of us and he said he was happy to do individual therapy with H and also couples therapy with both of us but that if I wanted individual therapy as well it would be better for me to see his colleague.

Ive been out for the last few hours collecting dd from my sisters. I got back 15 mins ago to find H has been here without me being here and without checking it was ok. Im furious and texted him to point out that when I gave him back his keys he promised me he would only come here if it had been pre-agreed. He then rang to speak to me and I red buttoned him as I was too cross to speak to him. So the stupid tosser kept ringing and then rang dd's phone and pressured her to get me to speak to him. I took the phone then as it wasnt fair on dd to be caught in the middle of it all

He then had a go at me saying I was out of order complaining about him "popping" in for 10 mins to have a bite to eat and what was my problem since i wasnt there anyway He reckons he forgot about the deal that he wouldnt just let himself in Then he said if I was going to get stroppy he was going to have to reconsider his options and would move back in and there was nothing I could do about it. I said fine but if he did that I was filing for divorce and hung up.

I'm f$%^ing seething

He's just texted to say sorry and that he won't be moving back in. Still really cross though

Got to admit that taking him back is looking less attractive by the minute. Apart from the fact I love him I really can't see what I have to gain right now. He's making an effort yes but not enough to convince me he's worth taking another chance on. I've been looking at solicitors today. I think I'm going to call a few tomorrow and find one I like. I can afford to live without him, I can cope emotionally, I'll insist on shared residency so I'll actually get more help with ds than before, I get to watch what i want on TV, I get to sleep without snoring waking me up. The list goes on....

I wish you'd file for divorce anyway.

The guilt seems to have worn off pretty fast, doesn't it?

And as for getting your poor DD involved in today's tug-of-war, after all he has put her through.....what an excuse for a husband and father he is.

I really hope she feels able to be honest with you Dusty.

I think she does. She told me she knew he would call her when i wouldnt speak to him so came downstairs ready. He and I will be discussing this further but not tonight. I am still far too angry. I'm not sure about filing for divorce but I'm certainly going to discuss it with the solicitor. I know I can always change my mind and maybe I will file but no decisions while I'm so angry. I'll discuss my options with a solicitor and decide how to proceed from there.

Shouting lots of rude words in my head and have been all afternoon but can't let them out loud as little ears around.

I think you have to make this decision with your head and help your heart come to terms with it. You have given him chance after chance and again and again he proves that the only one he cares about is himself.

Look at what he's put DD through, then tonight he just keeps on and on at her, pressuring her to get you to talk to him. He doesn't even care about how this is cutting her up.

I think speaking to a solicitor is a very good idea.

Can you afford to take on the mortgage of your house or would you need to move?

I think coping emotionally without him will actually be easier than what you have been through for the last 18 months with him tbh. I mean, you didn't know what he was up to, but you knew things weren't good and he'd withdrawn from you.

Shared residency - abso-fucking-lutely.

Keep writing that list.... just see how long it gets!!
xx

We can type a few - I'll start...

fucking twunting bastard

You made me lol chipping

please make sure that part of you stays calm and even calculating, and organise your finances well, solicitor etc.

Make sure all the papers are in a safe place, or you have copies at your parents' or a friend's house.

Just plan as much as you can and stay quiet about it if he asks.

If it all DOES work out, you have not lost anything by preparing well.

Papers are all safe already charbon. I think I might change the locks tomorrow so he can't just come here whenever he feels like it.

What should I ask the solicitor about? My heads a mess and I can't think properly. I can't quite believe I'm going to discuss divorcing him but i know I have to do this. It breaks my heart but you lot are right - he's not made nearly enough effort and if he isnt doing it now then I can't see he ever will I'm so sad and keep crying which i know is worrying dd but I can't stop

I'll be getting the solicitor to let me know exactly how much I could expect to get off H if it went to court. I know it'll be a lot more than the amount we've been discussing between us but he's taking into account the amount of tax credits I'll be getting plus ds DLA. I told him that I didn't think the court would take that into consideration but would base his maintenance on his earnings.

Thank you wynken. You are very naughty for just coming round but I love you any way xx

What is the plan for him looking after DS for the next few months? Before you change the locks you need to sort that out so that it's not happening at your home, or you'll just end up having to get him a set cut.

I would also be a bit wary of letting him know you are still pissed off about it and mentioning divorce until you have spoken to a solicitor or two and see how best to proceed. Antagonising him and having him decide he's going to move back in isn't going to be in your best interest.

You don't need to have a list of things to discuss with the sol's - they've done this a lot, a good one will ask you the right questions. What you do need is a solicitor who wants to go for the jugular and who will fight your corner, not one that is apathetic or says you wont get much etc. It's best to go through a few at this stage than end up with a crap one.

Just keep talking to DD - she's old enough to understand why you are upset now (he's not trying to make it work, he's being selfish - rather than the affair itself). It will do her no harm at all to know the broad outline of what you are going through. She's not stupid and it's more scary not knowing. Just also keep reminding her that she only told you about the texts, she didn't do anything wrong and if she hadn't you would have found out in time anyway and been more hurt because it would have been going on even longer.

Mtce is based on a % of his earnings. I'm not sure if it's 15% or 20% for two kids - but I'm sure a quick google would tell you. However, the fact that he's going to have them 50% of the time would be taken into consideration - so I'm not sure you'd get much if anything - from him. You'd still get the benefits I think.

Would you be able to stay in your home on your wage alone?