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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucked up big style.

183 replies

Fuckedupagain · 10/10/2011 19:47

I been sacked today.

For doing something inappropriate at work. Totally my own fault. Am devastated.

It involves another person, who is 3 days into a 2 week holiday with his df.

Aside from my own shame, embarrassment and general self-hatred, I don't know whether to try and get in contact with him. Nothing he can do, will ruin his holiday.

Such a fucking mess.

OP posts:
Landedgentry · 11/10/2011 09:50

Yes, but I think they knew where to look. It doesn't make any business sense to spend so much time on snooping, unless it's to justify a decision that's already been taken, to sack. I think someone bubbled you up and if so, that ought to be a factor in whether you tell your husband the truth.

glitterkitty · 11/10/2011 09:50

I didnt know they could do this on IM- thought it was sort of unrecordable. I use IM a lot & will be more careful in future!

Fuckedup, lots of people have dome similar. Only difference is you got caught. Learn from it and move on, dont beat yourself up too much.

ConstanceNoring · 11/10/2011 09:53

That last bit of mine was meant to sounds more helpful, i.e. kick up the arse, then find ways not to make the same mistakes again.

twankie · 11/10/2011 09:55

I didn't know either that all is recorded...can someone explain.

Is IM the chat facility on your computer? Isn't it in 'real time'..if you delete the real time messages before closng down chat or computer, does this not get rid of them?

Do employers, including public sector ones 'own' all communications in work time 'legally'? or just those done on their network/machines?

garlicScaresVampires · 11/10/2011 10:11

You can even record the IMs on your home machine (it's in Preferences or somesuch). Yes, employers own all communications done in work time OR using work equipment, and it's usually in the terms of engagement.

As others have said, waste of time to routinely check all employees' communications. But they will if something prompts suspicion (or curiosity!)

FrightNight · 11/10/2011 10:22

OP you clearly realise you've been a plonker. You've beaten yourself up enough now so it's time to look forward.

If you've only been at this company 3 months its not going to make a significant gap on your CV by simply omitting it.

My suggestion is to channel your inner loathing toward sharpening your CV up and getting in touch with your agency to get another contract. TODAY.

Your marriage is going to take a bit longer, and I offer no tips there as I am crap at relationship advice.

GalaxyWeaver · 11/10/2011 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/10/2011 10:30

Usually for IM's if you check;

Tools
Options
Privacy

you have the option to keep history or not I tend not to.

altho IT can generally monitor the sites you're using a lot anyway, it's usually far more sensible to keep internet usage to a minimum during working times.

says the woman MNing at work Hmm

SaggyHairyArse · 11/10/2011 10:41

This happened to me Blush Nothing smutty but I sent my best friend an email assasinating everyone in my office as it was a shit place to be and they were a bunch of arseholes and they intercepted my email.

If they don't treat everyone involved the same was as you i.e. if other people also sent similar messages and they aren't fired, then you would have some grounds for unfair dismissal i'd have thought. In my situation it was actually a relief and I got a temp job which led to permanant at a fab company afterwards.

If you know when the other person is back from their holidays then i'd personally contact them then so as to prewarn them but to not ruin their holiday. Then i'd do some serious thinking about boundaries and how overstepping them as caused this situation and move on!

heleninahandcart · 11/10/2011 13:01

OP you say you have fucked things up before. So is there a likelihood that you could get careless with things again? If so, and you want to be sure you limit the damage please be very careful about what you email, text etc in the immediate future and delete/get rid right now of any other stuff that you may have sitting about. Do not leave it about so you can force a self destruct.

You've had your wake up call, you are already working on your marriage so although there are bigger issues do not allow this to derail you. We all make mistakes, the difference is most of us haven't emailed them to someone else. Sort yourself out, learn from this and move on - whether that is with your DH or you decide to chose to be single for a while.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 11/10/2011 14:58

You've said you have a 'constant need for attention' and, if this has what's caused you to fuck up at work and/or in other areas of your life, counselling will help you get to the bottom of why you are so emotionally needy that you seek to draw attention to yourself.

What's done is done; your fuck up cant be undone but you can learn from it and resolve not to make that particular mistake again. If you feel tempted to go down the same path in future, remember what happened last (this) time and choose another route that won't compromise your job.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 16:44

Have spent the day mostly in tears, but have also applied for about 15 jobs so not all bad.

Hopefully this will be the kick up the arse I need, although I think it's gonna take me a while to get over it, perhaps because it does run deeper than just loosing my job, i think I need to evaluate my life, and look at why I have this constant need for attention, to be so desperately "liked" by everyone.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 11/10/2011 17:03

You most certainly won't be'' liked'' by OM's wife (and lots of others) if this gets out!

Well done re job applications.

ConstanceNoring · 11/10/2011 17:06

You're heading in the right direction - it does seem to be about wanting to be liked.

The way you have behaved really reminds me of a friend I had in school, she was new to the area and the school and she was very likeable actually and soon gathered friends. But she very quickly went about destroying the friendships by getting off with a string of different boys, getting drunk, bitching about some of the others. She did this with the school friends and then with the friends outside of school she used to hang around with.

I always thought it was really sad because she was instantly likeable and popular anyway but just got so carried away with the attention and being 'in' with everyone that she soon fell out with them all.

There must be and underlying reason for it and I think it would be good for you to investigate this part of your character further.

Good Luck with the job hunting too.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 17:06

He's not married, although does have gf

OP posts:
ConstanceNoring · 11/10/2011 17:16

Think carefully about how you will contact him then, and why you are contacting him - is it really going to be for his sake or do you want some kind of reassurance from him that he's ok with you IYSWIM. And Be hoest with yourself.

If you decide to contact him don't do it yet, but yes I think I would appreciate a 'heads up' before I went back into work. Hopefully the dust will have settled for him at work by the time he gets back.

ConstanceNoring · 11/10/2011 17:16

hoest = honest

don't be hoest...

ThePathanKhansWoman · 11/10/2011 17:19

Oh good luck with the job hunting.It's a lesson learnt ain't it? I'm sure you'll go on to good things, and work out why you feel like you mess things up.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 17:20

Will text him next weekend. It's over anyways.

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 11/10/2011 18:15

Feelings of low self-esteem and fear of rejection can lead to a need to be liked which can manifest as attention seeking behaviour.

These feelings may have been engendered in childhood or they can be the of result of an accumulation of adult experiences.

If you have a history of 'fuck ups' and if you feel that you can't trust yourself not to fuck up again, please consider asking your GP to refer you for counselling because each time you fuck up compounds any lack of self-esteem you may be feeling and it is possible that attention seeking will become a compulsion.

FabbyChic · 11/10/2011 18:29

YOu have need for attention because the person you live with gives you none, so you seek afirmation of you being worthy elsewhere.

It is a natural reaction to have.

People do it all the time.

If your husband was treating you properly you would not be seeking attention elsewhere however small that attention is.

PosieIsSaggySacForLemaAndPigS · 11/10/2011 18:31

OP. The only person I feel sorry for in your life is you....

Sit down and have a think what you really get from this marriage.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 18:39

Have a lot of issues from childhood too, which I fear is where this has stemmed. Dad walked out when I was teeny, bit of an arsehole "now you see me now you don't" kinda guy. Haven't seen him for 15 years, never even tried to get into contact. Still plays on my mind.

OP posts:
PosieIsSaggySacForLemaAndPigS · 11/10/2011 18:55

Fuckedup. Sounds like you need a bit of therapy. Stop feeling that 'whatever you can get' is good enough.

mynewpassion · 11/10/2011 19:03

You've owned up to your stupidness about your job so I am not going there. The one thing that is troubling me is why do you think you will lose your son?

Even in a divorce, you will still have access to him and you might even the residential parent.

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