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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucked up big style.

183 replies

Fuckedupagain · 10/10/2011 19:47

I been sacked today.

For doing something inappropriate at work. Totally my own fault. Am devastated.

It involves another person, who is 3 days into a 2 week holiday with his df.

Aside from my own shame, embarrassment and general self-hatred, I don't know whether to try and get in contact with him. Nothing he can do, will ruin his holiday.

Such a fucking mess.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 10/10/2011 20:48

If you didn't use a condom you really have to tell your husband. It is his health at stake here.

shinyblackgrape · 10/10/2011 20:49

Have pm-ed you OP

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 10/10/2011 20:51

Marriage was in dire state, but am working on it, and it is getting better. I do need to focus on marriage, although whether it is reciprocated is another matter(have had threads in past about lack of love/affection), but our marriage is on the mend, and this has given me the boot up the arse I need to focus even more.

Email stuff is from a few months back. Not an excuse.

OP posts:
GoresHairKnickers · 10/10/2011 20:52

We all make mistakes Xales and I think maybe OP a) feels bad enough and b) has realised what she could have lost...
Could you really cast the first stone? I couldn't, nor would I want to even if I could.

Strangedays · 10/10/2011 20:56

Your marriage is a sham if you don't tell your husband what you have done. He is the injured party and if you are not honest with him, how can you ever move forward? You are doubly cheating on him if you were adulterous and now intend to have him live a lie. Having been on the 'receiving' end of a workplace affair, I feel sympathy for your husband and nothing but disgust for what you have done. However,honesty now can save your marriage or give your husband chance to find someone who values their marriage vows but the choice should be his - not yours.

glitterkitty · 10/10/2011 20:59

Fuck me, there's some full on major judginess here.

Black here --->

White over there---->

NOTHING MAY FALL BETWEEN

PosiePetrifyingParker · 10/10/2011 21:01

Don't tell your DH unless you think he'll find out.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 10/10/2011 21:02

You fucked up and feel bad about yourself but it's not the end of the world as it seems the company you were working for is as anxious as you are to go into damage limitation mode: i.e your temporary services were no longer required because of inappropriate, albeit jokey, comments about a senior member of staff (or other staff members) that you were stupid enough to commit to email.

Of course, you could simply tell your dh that your temporary services are no longer required due to shortage of work, staff members returning from holidays, etc and I doubt that he'll question you further.

The OM may or may not get a warning but, if he does, that's his problem and if he bothers to tell his wife I suspect he'll take the same line as the company and not mention the sex emails to and from you.

If, however, you went beyond sex emails and had an affair with the OM, you have some very serious thinking to do but, in either case, you should refrain from any further contact with the OM.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 10/10/2011 21:03

My husband has refused to have sex with me for the past 3 years.

Not so black and white, although I very much accept that this does not condone or excuse my behaviour.

OP posts:
GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 10/10/2011 21:04

OP did you have unprotected sex? If so you must go and get yourself checked out.

maybe you and your DH could go to counselling?

Kayano · 10/10/2011 21:04

Just think OP has done such an awful thing and is not fessing up to DH because of 'technicality of wording ' from the boss as to why she was fired.

Just going to tell DH about half the story and conveniently miss out the other man...

Also... She clearly communicates with said man outside of work too if she is able to contemplate getting in touch while he is on holiday.

Not judgey, but DH does not have all the story and IMO it's the deceit that hurts the most in these situation

So therefor I can not support the OP
If the sexes were the other way round you would all be hollering...

Kayano · 10/10/2011 21:05

And so now begins
The drip feed

bangs head off wall

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 10/10/2011 21:07

so you have had sex with OM?

Sorry, starting to see where kanyo is coming from now.

being sacked is horrid though, a real confidence shaker.

Kayano · 10/10/2011 21:09

Dude... No one gets my name right Grin Angry

PosiePetrifyingParker · 10/10/2011 21:10

Kayano....
not helpful

OP. Are you really wanting to stay in this marriage? And unless there's a blood good reason your DH not wanting to have sex with you(which I understand to me withdrawing from you and not being at all intimate) is entirely the reason you've sought something elsewhere.

Otherway round I'd be saying the same, unless the reason for no sex was trauma at childbirth.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 10/10/2011 21:10

In case it's escaped your notice strangeways, Sunday was yesterday and preachers usually give it a rest on Mondays.

honesty now can save your marriage Is the OP meant to fall on her knees shouting 'hallelujah' and 'praise the lord'?

Unless you are privy to the innermost secrets of the OP's mind and that of her DH, you're best advised to climb down from the pulpit and let her wrestle with her own conscience.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 10/10/2011 21:10

Sorry, I didn't mean to drip feed, last comment has nothing to do with the situation that my own fucking stupidity has got me into.

It's not an excuse, and I shouldn't have bothered to write it.

I fucked uo at work, made a series of mistakes that I don't think I will ever forget.

I have another 10 days before OM is back, although I agree, some advanced warning would be the kindest thing to do, and if the situations were reversed I would appreciate the warning.

I need to concentrate on my marriage, and finding another job.

OP posts:
GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 10/10/2011 21:11

whoops sorry!

KAYANO...maybe you should name change?? Grin

Bohica · 10/10/2011 21:14

What do you want to do op?

It sounds to me like you have got yourself in a tangle that has ended wth you loosing your job.

Why is your DH refusing to have sex with you?

bubblegumpop · 10/10/2011 21:14

Well you know...it would be interesting to know what his views are. On your contribution to the marriage. Maybe he feels the same about you, when you were distancing youself, to "allow" your affair. Then start it and continue investing in om.

Kayano · 10/10/2011 21:15

I think I'm helpful in that I bring the opposing balancing viewpoint. Grin
Granted I sit in the corner myself a lot but I feel it needs to be said sometimes
In the relationships topic

I do feel sorry for her DH ESP as she is still in contact with the other man!

bottlebank · 10/10/2011 21:17

OP, this can end up being a positive thing. Well, okay, not positive. But a big fucking wake-up call. Yes humiliating, yes shocking - but it's a world which is apart from your family, it has clearly shaken you, I think you will change from this.

I might say something, very brief, but it'll need to be in a medium which is throwaway or not 'you' or there will still be a link between you and the OM and there might be a complusion to stay in touch. Draw a line.

PosiePetrifyingParker · 10/10/2011 21:19

I think if my DH withdrew intimacy for three years I would have left.

glitterkitty · 10/10/2011 21:22

Agreed, Posy.

Think OP is between a cock and a not-v-hard place

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 10/10/2011 21:23

I can't see where the OP has confessed to a full on affair with the OM but, even if she has, judging her isn't going to help her do whatever she needs to do make sure she learns from her mistakes - and the last thing she needs to do is have any further contact with her 'partner in crime'.